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False Friends or Real? Please help me!
December 10, 2010
12:00 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Barefootgirl, it really sounds like you're spinning and
miserable about this, and making their behavior out to be excluding
you, as though it's all about you. It's probably not. Your friends
are likely not playing any kind of games to hurt you, they are just
being themselves, and expecting you to react to the world the way
that they do (and perhaps vice versa). You have a girlfriend who
actually spends an hour a week with you? That seems like a huge
investment of time to me already. You are very lucky in that
regard.

I know that I
haven't been able to invest time in my friendships of late because
of my job and volunteer commitments, plus my partner is controlling
and I try to avoid conflict, which might ensue if I spent more time
with my friends. One of my girlfriends used to get really miffed at
me for being less available, and then wala! She got married and had
a kid, and now suddenly she understands being over-committed and we
take whatever scraps we can give each other now and are grateful
for those times.

What would a
"real" friendship look like to you?

December 10, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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My
closest friend who use to post on ACC told me that I was correct
bout this friend, I believe her, she never would steer me wrong...
A FRIEND makes time, period.

December 10, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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A
friend does not talk endlessly bout her dinners, plans and etc with
her other friends to you when she never invites you...or accepts
your dinner invites. She knows i know very few people here...it was
not apparent to me at first, but after awhile I begin to see her as
she really was. She brags...alot and she knows this hurts me, but
she says it anyhow, still... that is just not right. I was good
enough to walk with her as walked her dog and if she needed someone
to talk too, when she had the time...it was not a two way street.
and it still isn't. And yes that is my fault cause I allowed her to
do that to me, but there are reasons why, for one being abused a
child and taking scapes from people is what led me to tolerate this
later on.

December 10, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Hi
BFG,

Sounds like from
your last post, that you have a trustworthy friend
already!

Regarding that
other friend who dismissed your feelings (and by the way, REAL
friends just don't do that!)...A couple of thoughts:

First off, I used
to be a people pleaser, my whole life in fact. Doing exactly what
you mentioned about selecting gifts, helping and being there
etc...I realized that in most cases, I was trying to win over their
affections and acceptance by going way above and beyond and later
felt like a door mat, disappointed and rejected when it wasn't
reciprocated in like and eventually led to resentment.

This was my deal.
(it took me a long to finally learn and in fact, still learning.) I
had a hidden agenda, you see. I was investing emotional time and
energy...but with strings attached (though hard as that is to
finally admit!)

I think there is
some truth to that saying: "We teach others how to treat us" in
some aspects.

I don't think that
there is anything wrong in having realistic expectations...and I do
stress realistic - it's when they become unrealistic where it
starts to become a little murky...

But at the same
time, we do seem to sadly live in "a culture of busyness" as cited
in part by this article rewferencing the book: The Lonely American
- Drifting Apart In the Twenty-First Century (Old &
Schwartz)

http://articles.sfgate.com/200.....n-cacioppo

"Why are we
growing lonelier? Olds said it's partly due to the American notion
of independence that makes people not want to appear needy. They
may feel alone, but they assume neighbors and friends are similarly
busy and wouldn't want to be bothered.

She also points to
what she calls "the cult of busyness." In an era of frantic pace
and multitasking, people feel they should always be accomplishing
something. They work long hours and then, in their limited spare
time, they work more - catching up on e-mail, doing the laundry,
going to the gym. Socializing often comes last."

To that, there is
anopther link I found which decribes 7 different types of
friendships, which I am finding helpful:

http://ldhs78.wordpress.com/20.....riendship/

Just lots of
factors which play into this as I am starting to find out for
myself as well...

December 10, 2010
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truthBtold
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Posts
crossed.

Yes, you are
entirely correct. It IS a two-way street!!

By saying that she
likes to brag...well, maybe you finally have her correctly
pegged!

Why try to get
blood from a rock? At least you have another friend who sounds and
acts and treats you like a REAL friend should and
vice-versa.

December 10, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Yes,
Ladeska has been there for me over 12 yrs or so...we got back in
touch and I think it saved me! I do not feel I was trying to win
her over, I think friendship is a two way street and I see nothing
wrong with that, except if you do it all the time, then yes, A few
times a year like a birthday dinner or xmas present, yes! This year
she blew off my bday and said she had little time but then went on
to say how how her good friend and neighbor is taking her out for
her bday..she would never forgot this friends bday and even told me
how they exchange all the time, we used too, now she is blowing me
off even more, cause I exposed her for who she is, she is a social
climber and I knew this going in, tried to over look that but
people who have money and status and who she is friends with, come
first and always will.. Her and I were close, we walked a few times
a week with our dogs, had lunch and I expect the next level after
three years of doing this, she has dinner parites and times for
EVERYONE else but me, its not like she is busy and has no time for
anyone, its everyone but me! If I were wrong, Ladeska would tell me
so, she told me to run...I trust Ladeska she will always be my best
friend across the miles. So I know its not me expecting too much,
its that this woman is a narasisttic bitch who likes to stab me in
the back...

December 10, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks TBT! (((warm hugs to you!))) I really appreciate your
kindness and help here! I think Friend B will be a keeper, I wish
we did more as friends but that is ok...at least she does not treat
me the way friend A does and she does have a conscious where Friend
A showed me a few times who she is all about and I think that is
what it is here, she is upset deep down that I exposed her for who
she is, now she may even subconsoiusly be trying to tear me apart,
well that is up to me to not let her now...I must be strong here
and keep away from her...and she knows I like her, that I am weak
and have few friends, she toys with me but not anymore!

December 10, 2010
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truthBtold
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Oh
Wow! You know Ladeska? Please tell her I said hello. (She might not
remember me - but I sure remember her.)

She once said
something that I had never read in any kind of self-help book
anywhere and that was (regarding people who have abused us as a
child...) "They try and make YOU WEAR who THEY ARE!!!!"

Boy, that sure is
one huge nugget of sage advice that I have thought of many, many
times over the years!!!

Yeah, this other
*friend* (and I use the term loosely now that you share more about
her) just doesn't sound like a good match for you at
all.

Probably not even
worth anymore of your time or attention, to be honest with
you.

But at least one
thing is for sure...as upsetting and nerve-wracking and confusing
as all this has been for you - at least with this expereince you'll
be much more in touch in the future and (as Barney Fife used to say
"nip it, nip it, nip it") in the bud so you can probably see from
the getgo after giving it a few times of the benefit of the
doubt...Oh, OK. i see where this is headed, and gracefully just bow
out!

December 10, 2010
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truthBtold
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crossed again!

Yep. You've got
her number alright!

REAL friends have
our best interests at heart and even though they might fail us from
time to time and we them...(we are human afterall) in the end...we
know know that deep down that there is a sense of mutual trust,
respect and safety and that remains constant...

December 10, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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She
is my very best friend and i will let her know:) She saved my life
about 12 years ago...educated me on abuse and helped me to see the
TRUTH! This friend is also a roman catholic who puts down
conspiracy nuts as she calls them, has worked for the AP and thinks
very differently from me... I never told her bout what I believe
about conspiacies cause she calls people nutcases who do believe
that and when I did not want to join her cult or the catholic
church with her she got a bit more distant. She drinks alot and so
does her husband and I think there are also abuse issues in her
life, she had pooed me for not talking to my parents who abused
me... I think her sister who has a mental illness got that from her
naracisstic mother but she goes on and on how it is from a trauma
and that her poor mom suffers cause of her sister, no her sister
suffers cause of her mother! I think she needs me as her personal
voodoo doll, something I learned too from my best friend...how
people like her need weak abused people like me to stab in the
back... very powerful dynamics going on and I really should just
stay very far away!

December 10, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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When
I first met her, I did not think Friend A liked me, she asked me to
join her at a meeting for weight loss, so i went, when I went to
sit next to her, she moved, twice, but was nice, then asked me to
have breakfast in the morning before the meeting, so I went, she
always had a way of making me feel inferior to her, actually to
others too, who know her told me they never felt very warm fuzzy
feelings from her either...But I wanted her to be my friend cause
for one, no one else would talk to me and she would, she would
listen and share alot at times and so what was I to think? And for
years we did that, till she started leaving me out of things, and
making it really known to me, she just needed a voodoo doll to tool
with...someone to steal energy from, kinda of like a vampire. there
are people like this everywhere, I read a book not long ago that
described her to a T, sucking your trust and energy out and leaving
you feeling void and empty, abused...yup.

December 10, 2010
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truthBtold
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BFG,

Like you
said....yep!

Par for the
fricking couse, I reckon.

By the way, here
is a very important link that I have had to refer to from time to
time if nothing more than to just get my bearings straight about
all this messy mess with SOME people:

Please DO take the
time to check this one out for it is pretty important and telling
in my book:

http://www.rickross.com/refere.....ing11.html

tBt

December 11, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
will check this out TBT...so many traps laid out around in life
where people say one thing and then act like it was something else
here...makes me nervous to meet any new people anymore, I am glad
we are friends, cause i think your one of the few who are worth
sticking around for TBT..will check that out now!

December 11, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Did
you write this TBT? You said this was in your book? Wow,
impressive! I can relate to so well to the minimization, had that
done to me all my life, by my parents, they would minimize their
actions words and behavior all the time, tell me I was
oversensitive, took it the wrong way, gave those looks, had those
kind of expressions... that is what Friend A did to me, she had
immediately mimizied my feelings and made me out to be the bad guy
when I expressed to her why I was so upset, she made it my
fault!

December 12, 2010
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bevdee
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bfg,

I have lots of
different kinds of friends. Different relationships, and different
types of relationships fulfill different needs for me.There are
some that are just surface, and that's ok - I have to ask myself
what I want from a friendship. A couple of years ago, I lost two
dear friends, one to death and one to relocation. it took me a
while to branch out and make new friends.

I don't share
intimate details with many people, no not at first. I like to see
if we have other common ground besides a horrible childhood, abuse,
past or present PTSD, etc. I try not to make having that in common
with someone a prerequisite to a friendship, because if that's all
we have in common, that could limit where the friendship can go,
IMO. I like to gauge what kind of person they are, if I like them,
before I share about myself.

I don't want my
past experiences and abuse to define me. I acknowledge that those
helped shape me (into the fabyooluss woman that I am!!) Sad as it
is, most people want to label a person. When I got away from the
abuser, I needed friends that would support me, listen to my
endless tears, anger, rage. I had one friend like that. And my
sister. Because I was in such a bad place, I lost friends that
didn't want to be my counselor. One of them told me that. "I don't
want to be your counselor. I want a friend" I was angry at her for
a long time, because I felt that she abandoned me, when I needed
her most. years later, I can look at it and see that she did not
abandon me, she just drew a boundary. She could not be to me what I
needed and she recognised it. I noticed other people changing the
subject when I brought up my abuse. Or just avoiding me.

There aren't many
people I want to be a counselor to. Or sex therapist, or
relationship advisor.

As for your
friends? Some times people that belong to clubs develop a mindset,
kind of narrow. It's cliquish, but they pay money to be in the
clique!! Personally, I like a wider range of acquaintances. I'm not
so interested in golf or luncheons.

It does sound like
you are figuring it out by yourself as you get it all in writing.
Keep at it!!!

December 12, 2010
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bevdee
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I
hope Ladeska is doing ok. Before she quit posting, she had stated
that she couldn't devote as much time to the site because her
health wasn't good, and posting tired her out. Give her a holler
for me. Next time you see her, pass on the positive thoughts and
good earth energy I zinged her ~ ~

December 12, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Will
tell her Bevdee;) I understand the surface friend aspect and its ok
I guess I suppose I would like more, but people just do not seem to
want to be deep, real...and I guess they have their reasons...no
problem, to each their own...at least I have one who is that
way...thankful for that. And at times it is nice to do go there and
to be superficial and talk about shopping, who is who in
hollyweird...not that I even watch tv but yea there are times that
can be fun...and I have this with friend b at least she sees
friends a behavior and agrees and it comforts me to know that
someone else sees her naracissim for what it is.so maybe that is
enough...to not expect water from a rock is a good start. I am
sorry to hear about your friend dying bevdee...that is
awful!

December 13, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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i
place a high value on my friendships, surface friends are not want
I want in life, I am rather deep and I prefer a few close friends
as opposed to a bunch of phoneys...just me.

December 14, 2010
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Lanigirl
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Hey
all,

I keep going back
and reading this post. So much wisdom here.

Bevdee,

Since I have so
many codependent behaviors, I have felt guilt for when my friend
was getting divorced and she kept calling me. I finally told her
that it was too over my head. She has tried the same thing recently
and I had to repeat my boundary. This time it felt
better.

"They try and make
YOU WEAR who THEY ARE!!!!" - Love this. Perfect example of a friend
- leaves an everlasting impression on you. I think I spent many
years wearing who others were and that allowed me to play the
victim role.

BFG,

If a few deep
friendships is what you want then that is what you should strive to
get.

December 14, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
never realized how much of others guilt and shame i wore around my
neck since childhood, when I first heard that statement, it kinda
of made my ears perk up, but it did several years before I really
got that and understood and all the childhood abuse dynamics behind
it... There is still stuff I am sure I am not even adressing
here..:(

December 14, 2010
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risingfromtheashes
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TBT
-

You posted "REAL
friends have our best interests at heart and even though they might
fail us from time to time and we them...(we are human afterall) in
the end...we know know that deep down that there is a sense of
mutual trust, respect and safety and that remains
constant..."

I have had a real
friend issue lately.

About two years
ago - my best friend of ten years violated my trust by keeping in
touch with an ex boyfriend that had driven me to insanity - he was
a true sociopath. I had done everything to "evade" him and she was
keeping in touch via email with him and did communicate things that
were going on in my life.

Once I found this
out, I cut her out IMMEDIATELY, without looking back.

Two years later, I
wonder - was I right...was a friendship of that length, something
worth "fixing".

So now I am in
"should I fix this?" mode.

We live six hours
away now (we used to live CLOSE)...and when I moved away, our
friendship was taxed by the distance, AND the change in dynamics. I
no longer craved drama and chaos...she had always been my enabler
and my supporter. When the chaos in my life dried up, I think she
looked for some - thus the ex thing.

I just wonder now
- if I was wrong to throw it away. Does ONE breach of trust ruin a
ten year friendship. Your post says that we are humans and will
fail eachother from time to time, but trust remains....if we fail
eachother in trust department - does friendship NOT
remain?

I am glad I
stumbled on to this post and look forward to everyone's
insights.

December 14, 2010
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truthBtold
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Hey
BFG,

I'm trying to
catch up here on some of these posts.

Regarding your
post on 12-11: (regarding the rickross link) "Did you write this
TBT? You said this was in your book? Wow, impressive!

No, I did not
write it and can't take credit for it.

(When I said it
was pretty telling in my book, I meant that as a figure of
speech.)

So, I just wanted
to be clear on that one 🙂

December 14, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Oh....It takes me awhile to process things! Thanks for clearing
that up! I really can be kinda of flakey!

December 14, 2010
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chinadoll
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rising,

sometimes one
brach of trust is enough, whether intentional or not. If anyone did
that to me, relating the same situation regarding me and my
psychopathic ex-husband, I would also break it off and never look
back. My ex tried to kill me. Anyone who is a true friend, a best
friend, would recognize that, and keep me safe. Intentional or not.
Every behavior is purposeful. There is very little that we do that
is "accidental". There is always something behind it--an unmet need
of some sort.

Something like
that, I would no longer be able to trust the person. To me, time is
not a factor. I have a "best friend" of 10 years that I am
struggling with breaking it off. I know it's better that I do. She
has not done anything like your friend, one major thing where you
can say--BAM-- I'm done, but a bunch of little things that are
giving me a clearer picture, to say that it's all about her. So I
keep asking myself why am I putting up with this stupid
shit?

Based on what you
described, I feel like you did the right thing in cutting her off.
I don't think you should try to fix it, especially if she looks for
drama and chaos. You have enough going on in your life to keep you
busy enough, without adding drama and chaos to it.

Is SHE trying to
fix it? Has she tried to apologize, make amends? Explain her
reasons and motives?

Sure, I get
nostalgic about the good times my "best friend" and I shared. I
think at this point, I am content with the memories, but need to
move forward.

I think when trust
is failed, friendship does not remain. If we fail our friends, by a
mistake or misunderstanding, but there is trust, it's worth
fixing.

I don't have the
same trust for my friend, which is why I am questioning the
friendship. I have caught her in a few "little" lies, and her doing
some under-handed shit. So, if it comes to the point of "breaking
up", I will not feel guilty. I didn't do anything to deserve her
treatment. I think she did it based on jealousy and need for
others' approval.

December 14, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Chinadoll... I am letting one of my friends go as well, she was
a friend of three years but I was just her lunch date, I deceided I
did not want to her brag anymore bout her parties, dinners and
vacas with her other friends anymore... she had me around to prop
herself up, to feel superior to me, she had more money, more
friends and more of things in general, and she always flaunted it
in front of me too. I am done with her being my friend... I am
letting go...for good this time.

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