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False Friends or Real? Please help me!
December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am
hoping that some of you will post to me and tell me if my only two
real face to face friends in life are really my friends. I have
talked to others who say they are not and yet I am wondering if
maybe its me too here? I will name them friend A and Friend B...and
hopefully you guys can help me out. I am trying to deceide if these
two women are really my friends or if I am just expecting too much
here.

Both Friends have
alot of friends and a wide circle of friends whom they go out often
with, sometimes at the country club, to football games, parties and
other events that I am never invited too.

I only have two
friends in this world who I can hang out with face to face...they
both make time for me, usually once a week for a hour or two having
lunch where we talk and have a good time chatting away about our
children, weight loss issues and life in general.

Its been this way
for almost three years, I often hear of things they do with other
couples that includes their husbands, they are not friends with
each other, but they know each other...and no not hang out with
each other.

I have tried to
get together on a more personal level with Friend A who is just too
busy to do much more with me and my family, like having a dinner, I
invited her over twice and both times her husband had other plans
for them come up...she never had us over for dinner but would talk
bout her dinner parties she had with her "other friends"...after
two years of this, I told her in a email I did not want to talk to
her anymore, that I felt as if I was not valuable to her and she
kinda of laughed it off and said that she had to spread herself
around cause she has alot of friends, she doesn't...not really but
makes it look that way. Friend B, told me she felt I was correct
about friend A and told me that It was good to stand up to her and
say that, but the thing is that Friend B also does the same thing
to me and I never really thought about it till lately and someone
else pointed that out to me as well, but she has never invited me
to her home, she belongs to a country club and has alot of friends
as well...but she makes more time for me than Friend A will but
when I sit here and think it all through, both them really just see
for lunch and nothing else much. I have tried to set things up that
were more meaningful but something was always in the way, so I
stopped and let it go. Will I always just be the fill in the blank
lunch friend? Or am I just jealous and think I should be more
included when I should not be?

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
should point out that me and both of my friends are on very
intimate levels and we share alot of things about our lives...so I
feel very close to them and its not a surface superfical friendship
or are they new friendships...I known them both for almost three
years and yet the relationship seems to be stuck on lunch dates
only...that is the point I am trying to make and I hope I have done
that...I do not expect instant friends right away, but shouldn't
friendships evolve into more? When I brought this up to Friend A
she got kinda of mad at me and said that she has friends that she
has known for 20 years and they see each other only once a week for
hour at most...kinda of implying I should be happy with her one
hour lunches? Is this me accepting scapes from people or wanting
too much?

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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Hi
BFG,

I've experienced
the same things as you. I don't have a lot of friends that I hang
out with either. And some friends I've know for 30 years, I rarely
talk to. But when we do get together it's like we were never
apart.

I have to accept
that some of the people I might have wanted to get closer to didn't
want that kind of relationship with me. So I had to let it
go.

I'm going through
something similar right now with a friend of mine (she's also my
son's godmother). We were connected at the hip at one time. I've
sent her 3 emails in the last month with no response. It's like she
fell of the face of the earth. I know she's busy, but even when
I've called her it sounds like I'm bothering her. So I've decided
to just let it go. I'm done contacting her.

I also had a very
close friend who put conditions on our friendship. If I didn't call
her within 2 weeks, she would call me and be all angry. I finally
just stopped calling her altogether. Maybe you're putting
conditions on friend A? Threatening her that you don't want to talk
to her again because she isn't including you would make me want to
end the friendship right there.

You can't demand
that someone be the kind of friend you want. Their actions are
showing you exactly what they're about. I suggest you show some
dignity and let it go.

These ARE lunch
date kind of friends. Apparently they don't want to give any more
then that. I have lunch date friends too. And when we do get
together we bare our souls.

Eventually we'll
both find people of like mind where we don't have to WORK so hard
for their friendship. At least those are the kind of friendships I
want.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thanks for responding Hepburn...No I never expected much from
her, I never called her, she called me when she was bored and
wanted a friend, she would brag bout her dinner dates and etc,
knowing I had none...Even friend B seen this in her...I do not
think I am asking for alot, I think I deserve more from a friend, I
put myself out there and I am very relieable and I seldom expect
much and that is really my problem. I am worth more than just being
someone fill in date when they have nothing else better on their
agenda... I just am:) And I think since I am getting healthier as I
age, I am seeing that it time I stop expecting scrapes from people,
I am worth more than that I think.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
place a huge value on a friend, It takes alot for me to call
someone my friend, I do not just call or spend time with anyone and
call them a friend, a friend to me is someone who would be there if
you were really in need, and both let me down recently in that dept
too, at least Friend B felt bad and owned and apolized where Friend
A made up excuses... I do not call just anyone a friend, but
someone who I tell everything to for three years almost here, I do
expect a little more than this...

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
guess its too much to ask to be invited for dinner or to accept my
dinner invitations, I guess i am good enough to listen to their
problems, help solve them, be there when they need me, but not good
enough to have over for dinner, and the more I write here, the more
I get my anger out, the more I see I am actually getting to a
healthier place of where I see that I deserve better in life, I am
not asking for the world here, not at all, but if i look more
closely here...I think I DESERVE better.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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The
problem is that I should have SOME conditions! I have none...I
accept scapes from people, no more.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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Then
I think you answered your own question.

Not accepting
scrapes should be a condition, I agree. What's that saying? Don't
make someone a priority who only makes you an option. Or something
like that. ha

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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BFG,

I think you're
coming to your own conclusions.

Friendships are
hard. I've come to accept that there are some that I spend a lot of
time with and some that only want to do lunch. I used to feel that
every friendship should be a really intimate friendship but now I
can see value in the lunch friends also.

It was good to see
your post because I've also struggled lately with this issue. I
have a friend that pours a lot of time into men and I feel left out
in a way.

December 7, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
think its important to go with our gut feelings, if we feel left
out, then you know, we probably are being left out, I am so used to
taking and accepting crumbs from people, that I am just getting
sick of it, you know? I should also be included in dinners and etc
and if not, then I think I will just spend more time elsewhere,
even if it is alone, I am worth more than that...but this
realization came at a very slow pace and not till I connected with
a true friend of mine who I been talking too and who shined some
light in some very dark places, I been accepting table scapes most
my life, and its not OK! I guess if you meet people for lunch and
your not really close, and you know its no one you want to be
closer too and they feel the SAME WAY too, that works, but
friendship to me means alot more, and if I feel taken advantage of,
I leave... And I need to do that, I need to just be busy, but I am
a coward like Hepburn pointed out, I have no dignity in
myself.

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Hi
((((BFG))))

Oh sweets, I can
tell that this whole thing is really wrecking havoc on you for a
long time now and I can SO RELATE!!!!

First off, I think
that it is probably a good step that you have already taken to
become angry and upset!!!

(Activist and
feminist Gloria Steinem once said: "The truth will set you
free....but first it will piss you off!)

Secondly, I had to
cringe a little when I read your last line from the previous post.
The dignity part.

Though it might be
hard to admit, maybe it does have something to do with that, in a
way.

In reading your
post that you have so openly and honestly shared reminds me of
something similar that I struggle with as well for many years
now.

It has to do with
my sister and her daughters.

All of them are
very *close.* So much so in fact that I USED to try hard and
desperatetly to become *in* with their *in* crowd....but to no
avail.

I am just simply
not wanted in their little private realm of reality...as hard as
that is to FINALLY admit to myself!!!!!

(It almost reminds
me of those sad days back in high school where for awhile I tried
to inch by way in sideways to become a part of the cheerleader
crowd and they didn't want to have any part of me.)

The thing is, I
have learned, like that popular book of late: "He's Just Not That
Into You."

That is one bitter
pill to swallow alright.

It hits squarely
(at least for me) on that altogether soft, underbelly subject
matter of disappointment that I swear, I would almost do anything
else except to admit to feeling that way.

ALMOST
anything.

Like you said
about the dignity part...maybe there just comes a time and place
when we realize that we are sacraficing our own dignity (like you
said) for the sake of wanting to fit in...and I believe that is a
pretty strong human desire and nothing at all to feel ashamed
about...to feel as if we are accepted and fit in...and when it
doesn't seem to look as though that is ever going to happen - then
boy oh boy....do all of the OTHER insecurities we have ever had in
our life seem to rear their heads...you know what I
mean?

So, I guess what I
am trying to say is so what?

You
know?

Their
loss.

You can't get
blood from a rock so why waste anymore time trying to do
so?

Sometimes I think
(at least for me) that maybe I try too hard sometimes. Like that
ole country song...."Lookin' for love in all the wrong
places....."

I have since come
to figure out (at least maybe a little bit) to just not try so
hard.

If I am not
getting what I want and need from certain people and feel rejected
as a result...then so be it!

In a
roundaboutway, it is almost a blessing in disquise given the fact
that I had always had a difficult rejecting others...so maybe
that's life.

People reject us.
We reject them.

Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.

What I have
noticed recently is to just not try so hard and let new friendships
just naturally form on their own by exposing myself to different
environments.

For one thing I
have noticed (and I am not sure exactly what this means - if
anything...) but for some reason I seem to really just naturally
connect/gravitate towards folks who have tatoos
(spelling?)

"They" (at least
many that I have met) just seem to be much more open-minded about
stuff in general and usually follow my same political, leftist,
progressive type of views and it seems to naturally be a good
fit...so that is where I am pretty much right now in my own quest
to try and make new friends.

BFG, I find you to
be a very upfront, kind, articulate, honest and sensitive soul.
Surely you have just not met up with the right sort of folks who
appreciate those fine qualities in a person....yet.

But you will and
so will I!!!

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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Hi
BFG, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and will
post more later. Have to go to the park with the kids and meet up
with a friend in need:)

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
Bfg, I will come back on in a little while. I need to eat
something. I got busy with homework and haven't eaten much
today.

puptent, Bravo to
you for being a good friend to the one in need! =)

December 7, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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You
guys really warm my soul and thank you so much for comforting
me...it means a lot to me... I am sorry TBT about your family and
how you feel left out! My mom and sister always did that to me, I
always felt left out...cause I was! And I think that is why I
experience this in other relatonships...cause I been kinda of set
up here... Observational learning...so to undo that, its not
easy...we learn so much from childhood to adulthood...we carry so
much into our lives...I seem attract people just like them... I am
picky about friends...oddly I do have a high criteria list of who I
want to be close too...so maybe part of the problem is that I have
not persued nicer people? Yes..it is a two way street, yes! Puptent
and china...thanks for stopping by...write when you can. I
understand! Just having you stopping by like that...is
awesome!

December 7, 2010
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puptent
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Hi
BFG, I have a few friends. Like me their priority is their family.
I am alone raising my kids and have little room in my life for
others. Sometimes I get calls from people who want to get together
but balk because I have a young one in tow. I think that my days of
officially socializing are over and I am at peace with
it.

December 7, 2010
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puptent
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BFG
and chinadoll, so as not to spoil anyones holiday I will give you a
run down of the company I keep. I wish I could do
better.

December 8, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bf
girl,

It appears that
there is an imbalance. You place a hign value on friendship. I do
as well. I do not open up to a lot of people. I do have quite a lot
of good and close friends. Some are very dear to me and I have
known them for many years.

Unfortunately, the
majority of them are located all over the country, so I do not get
to see them face to face very often, if at all. One of my closest
friends lives on the East Coast and I have not seen her in person
since 2001, I think. We have known each other since 1992. We write
letters, send photos and pictures, and do our best to stay in
touch. But the reality is that this is the best that she and I can
do, until one of us is able to hop a flight.

With these 2
friends, it appears that they do not place such a high value on
friendship as you do. Where you focus on quality, they appear to be
focusing on quantity. When a person spreads themselves so thin,
they are only able to give of themselves in small
portions.

I didn't like
reading that she dismissed your feelings when you spoke up about
how her treatment made you feel.

Perhaps some
people do not prefer to get "too deep" with bonding, as these two
ladies appear to do.

There are a number
of people who I interact with, co-workers and schoolmates, who I
keep at arm's length, but not for those I consider my
friends.

Perhaps you may
just need to re-evaluate each situation and determine if your needs
are being met. If you don't feel they are, maybe let go. If you are
getting some needs met, and you are ok with that, then maybe just
keep them as lunch date friends and leave it at that.

I try to not place
my expectations on to others when it comes to famly or friends.
People are who they are, and once a person is grown, there is
little chance they will change unless motivated to do so. And it
has to be more of a reason that just someone's saying so. Like a
person usually won't make a change for their health unless it is
necessary.

I heard a saying
once that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a
lifetime. It does not mean that the friendship did not have any
value at the time, it only means that it was supposed to last for
that long, and them there is room made in your life for another
friend. For a lesson, a time period, or forever. It's really not
for us to know.

From this I
learned to enjoy it while it lasts, for as long as it lasts. And if
it does end, just hold the memories close to you. It does not mean
that you have to forget that the friendship never exisited just
because it is over.

December 8, 2010
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Hepburn
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Hi
BFG,

I didn't say you
were a coward. I think you're anything but! I do think you will
feel better about yourself if you up the dignity though. That was
something I had to learn too. Not accepting scraps and realizing
that you deserve better. (((BFG)))

December 8, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Thank
you Hep for clarifying that! Thanks...I really appreciate that!
China...thank you for your kind words, I do not know if I believe
in the being their for a season thingie myself, as much as I do
just people being flaky maybe...just my thought on that. I send out
warm hugs to you both! Wish i had more time to go into this this
am, but I gotta run, I will write more later on this!
THANKS!

December 9, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
have deceided not invest too much into either friend...I always
spent much time selecting gifts, helping and being there, and I am
not going to do that anymore... I had my bday forgotten by Friend A
and all she does is bring up her bday and how so and so is taking
her out to a really nice dinner and so on...so naracisstic! I am
done "doing things for others" I will give of my time, money and
resources to my own family and a few charities that I feel deserve
the effort, and that is IT. No more, making cookies, giving nice
thoughtful gifts, asking how they are and trying to be there all
the time... I will spend a hour a week or less (if i want too), and
be very very busy...I am done wasting my time.

December 9, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Chinadoll... Thank you for pointing that out to me, been
thinking about that too and how "dismissing how I felt" was so easy
for her. I seen her the other day, she wanted to me stop by to take
some christmas items off her hand and invited me for coffee. I was
there for about a hour when she said that she was thinking of
having lunch down the road, part of a shopping center and I then
mentioned I had not had lunch, she then said, well I changed my
mind, not going...going to stay home and focus on "nice things"
while stabbing me with a knife. Kinda of like my mom...

December 9, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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i
meant to say "her dog" not "nice things" I am not sure where that
came from, I really thought I wrote down " her dog...how weird I
thought I was writing one thing and something else was written out!
Very odd!

December 9, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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It is
one thing if you do not give impressions or act in ways that you do
not want to be CLOSE with someone, and yet another if you do act
that way and then pull away and say your demanding too much time...
Yes there is a difference, I know not to expect anything from
anyone who might call me up once a month and say hello, to someone
who calls me often and gets me drawn in to only tell me that they
are busy...BIG DIFFERENCE!

December 9, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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It is
one thing if you do not give impressions or act in ways that you do
not want to be CLOSE with someone, and yet another if you do act
that way and then pull away and say your demanding too much time...
Yes there is a difference, I know not to expect anything from
anyone who might call me up once a month and say hello, to someone
who calls me often and gets me drawn in to only tell me that they
are busy...BIG DIFFERENCE!

December 10, 2010
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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i
think some people like to lead others on, roping them in to
thinking they want more, and then they kinda of ditch you and make
you the bad guy, I think this is evil and I seen it with my family
and other people who were abusers, so when I see it in a
friendship, it makes me want to run, where before, back in my
unhealthy days, I would allow someone to jerk me around and then
think I was wrong for wanting more, well that is wrong, to play
with someones emotions and rope them in only to say they want too
much... My Friend A, has alot of parties and tells me all bout them
and yet I never been invited to one, that is just rude and mean and
why it took me this long to see...makes me mad at
myself!

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