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Fake it till u make it!!!
May 26, 2005
7:18 pm
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Rasputin
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we hear a lot about "Fake it till u make it." How true is this adgae? Each time I hear it, I freak out. To my it is nothing but Dishonesty...phoney, fake, false attitude, facade, appearance...etc.

What do u think?

Waiting for your feedback! Thanks in advance!

(((Hugs to ALL)))

May 26, 2005
7:32 pm
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saralynn
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Rasputin, I've actually never heard that? What does it mean - fake what? I've put on alot of masks in my life, but haven't been happy about it. I don't want to fake it, hide it, pretend it away - I want to live as me! Does that apply? Curious ~saralynn

May 26, 2005
7:33 pm
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lollipop3
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Sometimes it's a necessity.

In the words of Abraham Lincoln,

People are only as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Sometimes, just a small shift in attitude can make all the difference.

Lord knows wallowing is self pity never helped us.

Just my opinion

((((HUGS TO YOU RASP)))

Lolli

May 26, 2005
7:37 pm
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lollipop3
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Rasp....

I'll tell you the story I told in another tread about the first time I ever heard this slogan....

One day while I was at the library looking for books on co-dependency and adult children of alcoholics....I couldn't find what I was looking for so I asked for help. I asked in a way that I thought for sure read....this girl MUST be doing research for a paper kind of a way....when all of a sudden the guy said to me...'fake it 'till you make it, huh"

At first I was embarrassed until I realized , perhaps he's been here too, then I just smiled and said "yeah"

It made me realize in that moment that I was not alone.

May 26, 2005
8:34 pm
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For example:

It tells you to "act as if" (have you heard that one?) in situations where you might not think something can be done- do it anyway.

If you are going to meetings but you think they are bull sh--... keep on going, go through the motions... which is acting as if you believe, when you don't. What are the benefits of this? Well, you are changing your behavior for one. YOu are exposing yourself to things you wouldn't otherwise. You are breaking down a false barrier that would prevent you from doing something.

Apply it to work, and it can take on similar meaning and help you get by. Another one is "Showing up is 90% of success."

It's not dishonest. YOu're not lying to anyone. You're not trying to fool yourself. You are just being there and giving things a chance when you normally wouldn't, or think you couldn't.

-ella

May 26, 2005
8:45 pm
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saralynn
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Oh man! I get it now...I have to act on what I'm learning to be true - even if my feelings tell me otherwise. The patterns I learned of co-dependency, being the victim, etc. make it so easy to "feel" like that's how I need to respond. With what I'm learning - it's VERY uncomfortable to do anything different, but to be healthy I must! Thanks for enlightening me ~saralynn

May 26, 2005
8:50 pm
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Rasputin
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Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them!

Saralynn--

You are my twin sister. I am not good at wearing masks. I wear my heart on my sleeves. However, when I lived with my parents, I had to pretend a lot, b/c it was my only way to survival. It was very suffocating, toxic, and robs you of your real identity.

Lolli--

Lincolin's phrase is diffrent. Change in attitude is something; pretending or faking something is something else!
That anecdote is cute!

Ella--

My mom used to tell me that. I used to carry out her advice b/c I had no choice and did not want to fight with her. However, each time I did it, I ended up miserable. It simply means that we have to pretend for somethign, but is it good. It is like lying, wearing a mask. I am not a good liar.

Thank you all again, I hope to hear from others as well!

May 27, 2005
9:22 am
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2bstrong
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Hi Rasputin--

I put a positive spin on "fake it til u make it". If I acted like I was doing ok--then eventually, I would start feeling that way naturally. I think it has worked in my case. I wanted to crawl into my bed and not get out when the ex broke it off--but I didn't. I made myself get up, smile, and continue to live my life. It felt fake, but I hung in there, and I know that it has made the healing much easier.

In the same vein, I found this on another thread and I loved it...

Be careful what you think.... Becasue what you think becomes what you say....

And what you say becomes what you do...

And what you do becomes who you are..."

2b

May 27, 2005
9:37 am
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Cici
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I am familiar with this. "Fake it 'til you make it." I rebelled against it when I was full-blown in denial. I thought, how I felt was how I should act -- but that's not an option as an adult. You can't simply fall apart every time something bad happens to you. That's what I was doing before.

My mother told me that the worse I felt, the better I should look. After I lost my last baby I actually took her advice. The first baby I lost 2 years ago - I suffered crippling postpartum depression for months. I quit my job and moped at home and cried all the time.

This time that wasn't an option. I put myself together and wore makeup and nice clothes to work. I "Put On a Happy Face". My depression was much more manageable and I was able to handle things much better.

Now I realize that as an adult, you have to have a social persona to present to the world. One that is competant, together, and stable. If you allow yourself to be blown about by emotions, like a feather in the wind, you present something that doesn't command respect and attention to the world. How you present yourself affects the treatment you receive.

I don't ALLOW myself to fall into the same holes any more. I am a stronger person, and my relationship reflects that. I don't feel the intense anxiety and fear I used to.

Read Martin Seligman's "Learned Optimism" for more information about techniques to use to think yourself out of depression. You're view of the world IS your choice.

I am responsible for controlling my emotions. My emotions do not rule me. When they have in the past it has been disastrous.

May 27, 2005
10:57 am
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jamaicanwife
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I am not at an advanced stage as Cici, but I did resist 'faking it' because I didn't want to know that I had the power to make my life better. It was comforting to believe that the world hated me, and that I would never get anything I wanted because of that.

Because I simply could not afford to lose another job because I was absent too often, late too often, unable to function even if i was there, I took some advice I got from GullyFoyle(where is he, anyway?) to fake it. No matter how bad I feel, I do not give myself permission to stay home in bed. I come to work and I smile, I go to meetings, I tell myself over and over again that I am capable, I can do this, even though I don't really believe it.

And you know what, it is true, I am capable, I can do this. I have learnt, finally and at long last, that my feelings are completely untrustworthy. Living my life guided by my emotions was a nightmare. It's still hard, but that knowledge, that fact that I have proven for myself, gives me a different sort of comfort, and helps me to live a fuller, happier life.

May 27, 2005
11:27 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Thanks, Ella. I was just going to post it means act as if, but you have explained it all and better than I could have. I think it is important to understand this concept in the right way so that it can be helpful to us.

May 27, 2005
11:30 am
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glittered when he walked
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OK..You should all get a giggle out of this but I had never heard of "fake it till you make it" until I read this thread..and my firts thought was "are they talking about orgasms?..cause you should never fake those.."

-yours in a few shades of red,
gwhw

May 27, 2005
1:47 pm
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dustygirl
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Thanks for the chuckle Glitter...

Also, thanks for Ras for starting this thread - i've been really negative this past month because things just aren't going "my way". I am going to try and keep and great and positive attitude from this moment on.

Have a great weekend everyone!

May 27, 2005
4:28 pm
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on my way
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Great thoughts here...I agree with them...depending on motives though, it is either moving through fear to grow character...or someone who is dishonest...kind of depends on the individual?

May 27, 2005
6:21 pm
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exoticflower
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My therapist had a different take on it, I said I recognized healthy thought proccess and that I was able to react to things in a strong way, but could I possibly be as strong or healthy as I feel sometimes when I really get a burst, and she said 'Does it matter?'

If that makes sense, I'm not sure that I am explaining it right...

May 27, 2005
6:26 pm
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Rasputin
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Glittered,

That was sooooooooo naughty!!!! It really made me blush and chuckle!

May 27, 2005
8:27 pm
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Glitter-

You had me hysterical laughing at my desk at work.

thanks for that one!

-ella

May 27, 2005
8:40 pm
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Rasputin-

Fake it till you make it does not involve lying. It is a phrase used in the 12 step programs that undoubtably discourage dishonesty. You can perform a task while disliking it. It doesn't make you a phony.

I hate school. Somehow last year I completed a graduate degree. Sometimes I was certain I couldn't get through the semester's work. It wasn't exactly my life's passion, but I needed the degree to keep my job. I showed up, complained a lot and persisted. Now a lot of people would warn that complaining works against you because it takes a lot of energy. Personally, if I'm doing something unpleasant, I need to vent!
I didn't feel like a phony cause I couldn't have convinced anyone I wanted to be there! 🙂 Now, I finished, I made it. What a relief!

Anyway, I used that phrase to get me through that tedious period of my life.

Am I making anymore sense than above? By all means, DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF... you need to be in touch with your feelings. You'd be surprised how in some situations they change.

-ella

May 27, 2005
9:54 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Ella,

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain that adage to me. I really appreciate it!!!

Yes, Now it does make sense! As long as we fake it (in an honest way) it is right!

Actually, I do fake it till I make it, without being aware of it. Ex: When I am tired, but have to keep going, I wash myself, take a shower, medicine, whatever, put a smile on, even if I am tired, especially if I am gonna see people. Simply, b/c I believe it is not people's falut that I am sick or tired. So, here I was faking it (pretending to be ok), when in fact I am tired or whatever.

Once again thanks so much Ella and every one else!!!

(((Hugs)))

May 28, 2005
3:02 am
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Rasputin-

You got it! 🙂

-ella

May 28, 2005
8:27 am
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saralynn
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I think lollipop said that sometimes you need it to survive. My husband was unfaithful to me and I was ofcourse devastated - but I could not just hide under the covers and stay there like I wanted to. We have three young children, and I had to carry on! For some time I lived for them, and it's only been recently that I have started to live life for me - and understand that is not a selfish thing. I found during that heartwrenching time - that I needed some sense of normalcy in my life, so when I went to church or Walmart - I put on a smile, and I was able to function. The really maddening thing was that people would talk behind my back (people that haven't been where I was) and feel sorry for me, or think that I was acting in denial, or even critize me for not being in touch with my feelings. I was just trying to cope. They didn't see me in my car, or lying on the laundry room floor away from the eyes of my children, sobbing like my heart would break. Okay, I've reached a nerve in my writing! Sorry to "go on"! You know what? I can HONESTLY say I am thankful for what I've gone through; I think I'm a better person for it, because I am SOOO sensitive to others pain. I don't try to fix it, or feel sorry for them - I just try to listen. Fake it till u make it? Once I understood the phrase (thanks Ella!) YOU BET! ~saralynn

May 28, 2005
10:02 am
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exoticflower
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Ella, that was a great explanation--I've been a bit unclear on the adadge myself, thank you very much!

May 28, 2005
4:43 pm
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jamaicanwife
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The idea shouldn't be to convince yourself that you're ok if you're not. That sounds very dangerous.

May 28, 2005
5:57 pm
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Jamaican wife & All

oh I totally agree, except I don't think that's what twinks or anyone meant. Maybe she can explain further? We should always keep in touch with our emotions. But what twinks is talking about also reminds me of another old addage (sometimes I've found slogans annoying, but they help) "keep your eyes on the prize," or "picture yourself succeeding." I learned the latter on from my dad.

Certainly I'm having a hard time doing all this right now, but it would be even more difficult if I never even tried in the past. It's helping me save my own life.

-ella

May 28, 2005
6:09 pm
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Twinks-

That looks like a very interesting site. Can you tell us more about your experiences with NLP? In relation to supressing emotional reactions that may be natural? NLP is just for temporary situations right? I mean don't we all need to recognize emotions (as warning signs etc.)? I can read more, but I think I misunderstood what you were saying so I'm not sure I quite "get" it yet.

Thanks!
-ella

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