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Diary of Scared...Part 2....
November 29, 2006
11:54 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am just going to start keeping track of thoughts and emotionas again. Things that are changing, and hurting, and feeling good. I think it can be helpful....

Something has to be today...right?

November 29, 2006
11:55 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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ScaredinMichigan
20-Nov-06

Dear Mom,
Well, let me start by saying this. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I will always love you, simply because you are my mother. There is nothing that can be done to take away that love. Trust me, you have tried. I have tried to let you go. Yet, I cannot.

30 years old, and I still struggle with this. Let me ask you this…what did I do so wrong? The truth of the matter is, that I am smart enough to know, that I did nothing. There is nothing that can be done at such a young age to make you hate me the way that you did.

What went through your mind as you sat there, while your boyfriend had his hands in my pants, and in my shirt? You were sitting right there…PLEASE don’t tell me that you did not know. I cannot believe those words. Do you truly believe that is the farthest that it ever went? Where did you think that he was going when he got up in the middle of the night? Why did you make me ride in the car with just him? Why did you wait another half hour to come home every time? You knew what was going on. I cannot be convinced otherwise. You did nothing to protect me. NOTHING. You let me babysit for the neighbors. You knew that he has been in jail for sexual assault. Yet, you NEVER said anything to me. Yet, when I told you what he did to me, you blamed me. Because. “I should have known better.” Are you joking me? Even if I had known, it was your job to protect me. At 12, those weren’t my decisions to make. Then again, it didn’t seem to bother you that at that age I was sexually abused. I used to hate the men that did it, now, I hate you for letting it happen. Then 6 years ago, when that man was laying on his death bed, you called me to come up to the hospital to be with you. So I did. Was I supposed to be sad? I was sad. I think he died to quick and painless for my liking. What made it even more sad, is I never had the chance to tell him just how screwed up he made me. Just the mere happy feeling of any person dying ate away at me. Yet, I watched it break your heart, when his heart completely quit beating. It broke mine, that you never cried a tear over what he did to me. In fact, two years ago, you told me that I must have lied about it or liked it. No, I wanted to be with you. Was that so wrong? At 16, when there was physical evidence of what I was saying, you chose him over me when protective services gave you the choice, him or me. You let me, your only daughter walk out that door. You signed guardianship papers without a second thought. Because to you, I was a liar.

You were never there for any of us. You had four kids and not one of us, EVER, meant a damn thing to you. You didn’t take care of us. We took care of each other. Lucky for you, you had us far enough apart, that was possible.

I never had a childhood. I went from being a small child, to being a second mother, to being a sex toy for your boyfriend all by the age of 10. Now, at 30, I have no idea of who in the hell I am. That just makes me crazy. I know that I am a mother of four. Four beautiful babies. You still make me believe that I am a bad mother to those kids too. GO TO HELL. I love those babies. I have bent over backwards for those babies. I tell those babies every day multitudes of times that I love them, that they are beautiful, and you know what…those babies are my life. I have fought for them, and I have protected them, and I have been a mother. A good one at that.

You have spent 30 years telling me that I am a fat, worthless bitch that will never amount to anything. You are so sweet. You have no idea of who I am. Not a clue.

Let me say this…..you have in thirty years proven several things….

Alcohol will get me nowhere fast. That it causes a lot of pain, and wastes a lot of money. And cause a lot of hardship for families. Divorce, doesn’t make things any better, therefore I will make the right choices the first time. Beating your children, might make you feel better, but destroys your children. Verbally abusing your children, the pain lasts a lifetime. Lack of affection, makes a very insecure child. Lack of direction allows your children to make some VERY poor, unguided decisions.

Let me say this. At thirty years old, if I could have one wish granted, it would be for you to love me. To tuck me in at night, to say I believe you, and I believe in you. It would be to have you wrap your arms around me when things are tough. It would be to hear you say three little words…I love you, and mean them. It would be that you could simply say, I am sorry that I failed you as a mother.

The truth is, I will never get any of those. You are not capable of any of them. So if nothing else, what I have gotten from you, is a beautiful picture of exactly what I don’t want to be as a mother, a wife, or a friend. I could say that I have learned nothing from you, but there is NO truth in that at all. I have learned a lot. Unfortunately, it destroyed me in the meantime.

I feel like a 5 year old girl, trapped in the body of a woman. Desperate for someone to hold me, someone to love me, someone to tuck me in at night, someone to take care of me when I am sick. The problem is, I have refused to let anyone fulfill that need in my life. I want it from you so bad. It hurts to know that I will never be what you want me to be. I want you to hold me when I wake up having nightmares, or afraid of thunderstorms….how sad is that? I am thirty years old. And I still want you.? Everyone else asks why? The only answer I can come up with is that you are my mom.

I am searching for something that I will NEVER have. It is time to let go. It is a hard thing for me. But I will. There are people out there who will love me for me. Love me the way that I am. I already have those people. They have been right here waiting for me to let their love be enough. So now, I have to. Because, I can no longer allow you, to destroy me. You have taken my security, my self esteem, my love, my sexuality, my life and destroyed me one piece at a time for long enough.

I will always be here. I will always love you. BUT, I will no longer allow you to hurt me anymore. You brought me into this world, but you will NOT take me out. You will not destroy me, anymore.

Love Always,

Mandy ( the daughter that you don’t deserve.)

November 29, 2006
11:56 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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ScaredinMichigan
24-Nov-06

Well, in the last 48 hours I have learned an awful lot about myself. Before coming to this site, I had NO clue what the word co-dependant meant. It wasn’t until I read the thread that went into great detail, that I knew what it was and that I was. I knew all of those things existed in my life, but didn’t know they could all be wrapped up into one term. I have since purchased several books and tried to read and learn as my mind would allow me to.

I have been coming to this site since this last May. For the first time, I spilled my life story. Because it was anonymous, I didn’t care what people thought. I needed to get it out. So I did. I had been to see a counselor out of state in the prior December. (05) I was told at that point that I showed all of the signs of PTSD. Due to my childhood. However, I was not seeing anyone on a counseling basis, since I started coming here. Until about 6 weeks ago. Since, I have spent about 25 hours in counseling in 6 weeks. He determined that I was bi-polar. For whatever reason, that was and still is very hard to swallow. But, most important, for the first time in my life, I have felt a glimmer of hope. We have started to go through a LOT of the “ugly” things from my past. Things that are very painful. So I clung…to the only people that I have. The people here. I asked my psychologist what he thought of the idea of this site (with telling him the idea, not the actual site name). He thought that it was wonderful. He was very glad that I have here to run to. And as am I. He knows very specifically some of the situations that have taken place here, to try to help me see how I could have handled it differently. Or why I should leave this one alone. He is very impressed with the relationships that the “sisters” and I have. I asked him about the codependency of this. His answer was, this is a phase for all of you. If what you need right now is someone to hold to, then, far be it from me to judge. You do what you have to do to cope, and hope that you can all heal together. You tend to trust in people that you know believe you, and in you, and that know your pain better than anyone else you will ever meet. There is a point that you have to rely on other people when you aren’t strong enough to stand on your own. My psychologist has emailed things to me that he thinks would be helpful to us, as I have also shared them with others around here that have asked. He has gone as far as while on vacation to send an email to me to copy and send to the girls there. He has been a blessing, not only to me, but to others here. A professional opinion here and there isn’t an all bad idea. At least that is how I felt.

What I realized though, is that I have a lot farther to go than I realized. Do I see the relationship with the sisters as being unhealthy…to a point, YES. We are all unhealthy in a psychological manner of speaking. We all have a lot of growing to do. That is why we are here. I believed that was why we were all here. I can appreciate being confronted, and even suggestion, it truly was the manner that it was done that disturbed me. Does that mean I am right? No, it means that it is a feeling, and I like them, had the right to express it. I think on a whole the situation could have been handled better. The fact is, it wasn’t. What I hope is that we ALL learn from what happened here. There are a lot of wonderful people here, haven’t met one yet that I truly believed had ill intentions. I discovered that my anger has the ability to get the better of me. Yup, I admitted it. I immediately went into a mode where I felt like I had to defend my actions, and then my reactions. I immediately took it very personally. As I do believe that most would. I have spent my whole life feeling like I have to defend why I am the way I am. My childhood has left me a miserable 30 years of pain. I am working to fix that. But, most what I discovered was this, My insecurity can completely run my life. And did in several situations here, and that the insecurity that I feel is not because of what anyone here has done. My insecurity has come from my past. I just react to things because of this. I am trying to get better.

Six to eight weeks ago when the sister threads evolved, it went something like this. I was in the middle of a thread that my insecurities left me feeling very attacked. Rightfully so or not. So LovingLife asked if I would like to have a conversation elsewhere. I needed a small group conversation at that point. There were too many voices, too many opinions that I could NOT sort them out. I needed to talk, but I needed it smaller if that makes sense. GG, quickly joined our conversation. Over six or eight weeks that thread became a safe place for many of us. We could be us, we were comfortable. We could say anything, do anything and we didn’t judge each other. We offered feedback and a shoulder. We offered love and a safe place which so many of us desperately needed. We became very close, all of us. To answer if we are to dependant on each other or not, probably. Were there certain things that we needed pointed out? Probably. But we were us. Maybe the people that joined us along the way needed just what we had. Therefore, I do think it was and could still be helpful for certain people. That doesn’t mean that it is for everyone. I believe that no contact is the best thing that I could do with my mother, but I am not there yet. I cannot do that just yet. So I am holding on until I get there. Where I am right now, is not where I want to be or intend to be for the rest of my life. I want to be comfortable with who I am. First I had to find people that could help me, and I did. HERE. I needed someone to talk to, I found that…HERE. I had to find people that would love me for me….I did….HERE. I had to find people that would help me grow, I did that….HERE. I found people to offer me ways to cope, such as books to read, encourage me to start counseling again, I did that….HERE. I had to find people that I could help, to start to take my mind off of just me…I did that…HERE. Please realize that although I am not where some of you are, I am still here, and I am still growing….I am still hurting, I am still sensitive, but I am still growing.

We live in a “live and learn” world. I am living and I still have a lot to learn. I have the desire…I just need the direction and that little thing called TIME. I am not where I want to end up, in the long run. I have made some poor choices here at this site, and especially in the last 48 hours. I cannot and will not apologize for the relationship that some of the “sisters” carry. We have tried to never exclude anyone. Apparently we appalled some of you. (I can’t think of another word off of the top of my head) But, I will apologize to all of you for any pain that I may have caused specifically to you. In particular, Lolli, (which I think we are of a better understanding now, just know that I am sorry), Bevdee, Snow, and anyone else that I have hurt. I have learned a lot. I will not beg for forgiveness, from anyone…just try to make it known that I am sorry.

What I ask, is that you remember that we are all at a different point in our lives. We are all at a different point of healing. We are encouraged to share and care, and I think that was the original intent of the hearts that felt this way. I do believe that. I just hope that there was something to be learned here for EVERYONE, that was directly involved, or reading to see where this would go.

Should I choose to go, it will not be because of this directly…but because of the things that I have learned about myself through this. I will go with no hard feelings to anyone, and I will go wishing you all the best. That is my heart. This place will FOREVER hold a place in my heart. That is not to say that I have made up my mind. What I have discovered is that I may not yet, even be strong enough to be here. I cannot handle the constructive critisism that was handed out, and I think that I need a smaller group to help me here. Maybe I will feel otherwise, the decision is yet unmade. Just know that I love you all and care about you much. I do apologize for the length of this, but it was where I felt like I needed to go with this.

Again, I wish you all nothing but the best. Journey on….health, true love, and happiness to all. Through this journey of healing and beyond…that is my wish for you all…..!

November 29, 2006
11:59 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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ScaredinMichigan
26-Nov-06

My Dear sweet sisters Kristine, and Tonya,

I do hope you read this with an open heart and an open mind. You are going to probably get more honesty and truth than you have ever gotten from me. I will do my best to not be too tough, but this is where I feel like I need to show tough love.

In 6-8 weeks, we built some of the closest relationships any of us had ever had. We learned to trust, love, and be comfortable. We pucked, and swore, cried, threw up, and laughed together. We chased good ole Astute around like his pants were on fire. We have done things that I know I never thought I could do again. TRUST, LOVE, and I gained a feeling that I had not had in as long as I can remember…HOPE. And in one day….it is gone?

Ok, the way it was handled was wrong…I admit that…….so did they. I don’t honestly believe that any one of them were telling us how to feel or how to heal. They made some observations…so we didn’t agree….SO WHAT. Are we really going to give up what we had gained over all of this? LL and Cyn, I am missing something…I fought with Cyn, over me thinking she was telling me how to feel. I was assured and reassured that it wasn’t the way that it was, and when I tried to run LL you stopped me. Why is it ok for you guys to run this time? Because of someone elses opinions? Are we going to run every time that we don’t like what someone says? That is part of our problem….NOW WE NEED TO STOP. We confront it head on, and we did. We don’t give up. Are we going to give up every time we get hurt? Seriously? I still get upset if I think about the way it was handled…so I don’t. I am going to let the dust settle. I am NOT willing to give up my healing process without a fight. We were asked to move to the other side…they didn’t ban as on a whole from support side. So that makes it a little less traveled…is that truly so bad? It wasn’t as if we didn’t know people were reading them. I could go on for hours about what happened in how this was handled and why it upsets me….but I am making a CHOICE. One to not give up, one to fight for my sisters, my friends. The only people that I have. I think that there was a lot of growth in this for MANY people….not just us. I think that ones that we were hurt by, learned a thing or two as well.

So let me see if I have this right. We were hurt, no doubt about it. We took things wrong, things were handled poorly, I didn’t help that. BUT, this is where I get confused…We were hurt….fully acceptable, so we are going to further hurt ourselves and each other. This is NOT making sense to me at all. Will one of you explain it please? LL, you aren’t comfortable here, you will not trust again, or be comfortable, you won’t be honest about feelings….but you weren’t willing to relinquish your rights? Why? It is important enough for you to stick around, but not to stay close to your sisters? C’mon. Cyn, you disappeared out of nowhere. I am thinking that may not have been quite the way you planned it, but none the less. We talked about EVERYTHING you guys. We are ALL in positions that we need support, and you walked away. I am supposed to just say ok. LL, yesterday after reading what you wrote, I wanted to choke you. I haven’t been that hurt since protective services removed me from my home 14 years ago. I cried and cried and cried. I almost felt like I had spent weeks pouring my heart out to someone who made me believe that they cared, to find out that I had been lied to that whole time. I was so hurt. We got hurt so screw us. I am not saying that you weren’t hurt. But so was I. I couldn’t walk away from where my heart has been for weeks. Here with my sisters. GG, has a major surgery coming up, Cyn has FIB she is dealing with, Need is going through hell on a regular basis, I am just falling completely apart, and you my sister are living with a verbally, sexually abusive ex. And you walked out on all of it. WHY? The hurt that you didn’t agree with was worth more to you than what we had here.

We can’t let them ruin us. And I don’t think that is what any of them truly want. We took it all as an attack. Was that ever how it was intended….? I don’t think so. It was a misunderstanding with some truth that maybe we needed to face. Does that mean we have to stop being us? NO. And I don’t think that is what anyone wants. Look at how many people have come forward and said they have been inspired by watching us. So we hinder their growth too. We can all learn a lot from this and move on. Or we can let it destroy us. I care too much to just let it destroy us, and to just give it up. I guess time will tell what you are going to let it do. I meant when I said that I wasn’t going anywhere…..we will see how bad you guys meant the same thing, It is our choice…Grow from it or let it destroy us? I want back what we had to bad to let it destroy us. I love you both. But, I am hurt. You have both seriously hurt me. What caused this originally hasn’t caused the amount of pain that losing you two have. I hope you will both put some serious thought into this. I don’t blame you for what started this, I will take full responsibility for that…..BUT, I can’t control how you deal with it. Walking away isn’t solving anything.

I love you both with all of my heart. And LL, I don’t want you on the sidelines cheering me on. I want you right back where we were. Sure that may take some time….but that seems better to me than NEVER. Are you truly ok with just walking away? Because if it is, I have to tell you this….I buy that you never felt as honest about the sisters as I do, or as I thought you did. I can’t make your choices. I love you both. I am sorry if all of this sounds selfish or whatever. I don’t even care. This is my feelings.

Mich

November 29, 2006
12:00 pm
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lovinglife
26-Nov-06

Mich, GG & Need,

First, I love you Mich and nothing will ever change the way I feel – nothing. And you too lil shit and the middle shit as well : ) My pulling out has nothing to do with any of you and it hurts bad to think that any of you would feel like I don’t care, that I don’t love you, that I haven’t shed a few snotty tears over this, or that you wouldn’t think that you’re worth it to fight for, to hold on for. And worse to think that you would feel that I have abandoned you when I said there was no way in hell I would.

And now for my final ramble…after this there is nothing more that I can say...

This whole thing is making me think about the man I fall in love with (Mr Potato Head) and how he shut me out and since has continued to shut me out …and today don't believe that is what he ultimately wanted. I’m coming to the realization I hurt him just one too many times for him to go there again with me, for him to make his self vulnerable to me in the ways he had. Now there may be a few people here at AAC that would tell me it’s just wishful/distorted thinking on my part and that my not being able to let go of him is just my high codependent behavior. But the people here don’t know everything - and those that feel they do know and would feel moved to share their unsolicited “knowledge/advice” are only looking at it from perhaps the reading of a book/text and/or better yet, from the perspective of what I shared, from my perspective of being filled with pain and confusion- they weren’t there and they sure weren’t apart of the relationship. Or just tuning in and catching just a little bit of my story...not getting the FULL picture.

What is my point with the above? This place that I love, has hurt me just one too many times, one time too many for me to step back in and risk being hurt again, risk showing my still very vulnerable side even as much as I want to believe I am strong enough to handle it even as much as it has hurt to let this place, what I knew, and you girls go.

A person going through the shedding of past hurts, current hurts, pain, their deep issues becomes even more vulnerable then they were before they started the pucking. At least before they had strong defense mechanisms to feel protected but those walls come down when they feel totally safe with those they are entrusting their secrets, their shame, their pain as they are feeling so loved, so heard and so safe. And when someone who is not directly involved in the bonding, in the healing, pipes in with their “observations” at any given moment of this process, it throws a person for a loop and their defense and/or unhealthy coping mechanisms go back up. Just as both of you Mich & GG have just experienced with this whole ordeal.

Now it’s not so much that they weren’t directly involved or that they perhaps didn’t have very valid points, but its how they went about doing it. And once again for me I was involved in something here that is not my style of doing things nor want to be associated with (I don't initiate what I view as an attack on someone or a group of people - BUT something I am working on is that I will attack back viciously when a threat is precieved.) And as both of you girls (Mich & GG) have stated, it was not handled in the best way coming from their end, perhaps why it felt like an attack in the first place.

Now….. put yourself in my shoes girls and times that by 3…how would you feel??? Part of it is, is that I am not at the point that I am strong enough to handle what just happened once again and that is not about the valid points raised, or not about the S/C making a decision (I really like it here & the people too & was our goal anyways!), but I’ll tell ya, if it would have been just dropped – the valid points raised and then left to settle, I’d still be with you girls. We are an intelligent enough of a group of women that we would have worked through it. But like what I experienced before here…. wtf is this shit about beating the hell out of something?? My god. And then this last round there were A LOT of others that jumped on the bandwagon, and even what I perceived as mocking starting to happen on the afghan sister thread started over here {btw not you WD - felt your total sincerity-I have such a respect for you- sometimes a little in awe : ) }

Now putting aside the need to protect myself, and the fact that this was the third time …. what it really came down to girls, honestly.... is that I knew that if I backed out and just watched from the sidelines, cheering you three on (as I have been) in would come the love and understanding from those who were trying to beat the hell out of something, and who almost were looking like they were going to start the beating the hell out of two of my sisters that I completely love & adore.

Ok, to help you you three understand, here are two of following exchanges (there are more) from the sisters thread on this side that I based my final thoughts on….the one regarding GG hurt me deeply...

lollipop3 24-Nov-06

Mich, I don't know if it will help ease your mind or not, but my concerns about unhealthy dependency were established long before the situation between you and Need. In fact, originally, my concerns had nothing to do with you at all. Perhaps if I had said something then, you would not feel you are the cause of all of this now and I apologize for that.

I just thought you should know that. Lolli

bevdee 24-Nov-06

Ahh Lolli! "In fact, originally, my concerns had nothing to do with you at all."

lollipop3 24-Nov-06

bevdee? Did my post give us some sort of "ah ha" moment? 🙂

bevdee 24-Nov-06

Lolli - about 2 weeks ago

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

bevdee 24-Nov-06

Mandy What is it that made you so angry that you now want it to stop?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now this is the following exchange that ultimately did it for me…my lil sis (Mich you take care of her)

ggfred4 24-Nov-06

I am so depressed over all of this and there is no way anyone else will understand...I am crying because mich seems like her mind is made up and I have a feeling I know...LL, when can we all talk? What is your work schedule? If you read a post someone wrote to need, the dependency issue being written about is me and my dependency on mich...LL, you explained it once so well to me when I didn't understand it...If anyone should leave, it should just be me...I am too sensitive and can't take constructive criticism...but I really was working on that, but apparently not ready to handle this site...I feel so screwed up and depressed right now, and yes,LL,I broke the promise...and I just have so much going on right now to make any clear decisions...but I am the weakest of the group and I know it...

I feel like I would have to start over...don't know...just don't know...not even feeling free to write how I feel anymore...see, I can't handle it...I am not tough like you LL...I admire you for that...

I need to talk to my sisters!!!!I love all of you...feel so misunderstood....don't they know my life at work and home have improved because of my growing self-confidence which was rooted on this beautiful site? wasting words here I feel,,,

lollipop3 24-Nov-06

GG, Do you think it might be possible to listen and learn and grow and accept other people's opinions...without having to leave this site??? I have to be honest here...that is the one thing that I don't understand with all of the sisters.....why does it have to be so black or white? Why can't people give their opinions without then feeling guilty for making you all want to leave? To be honest...it feels like emotional blackmail and I'm sorry if that upsets anyone that I said that but that is how it feels to me.

Isn't listening, learning, healing, growing, communicating, setting boundaries, resolving issues, etc...what this site is all about???? At least that is what I thought in the past 2 years that I have been coming here.

I don't know....I just don't understand it.

bevdee 24-Nov-06

Lolli! "To be honest...it feels like emotional blackmail" Ahhhhhhhhh

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mich, GG & Need….Cyndra & I didn’t desert you three- Cyndra and I are a little feisty and as your big sisters, think we both would have stirred the pot up big time had we both stayed on ; ) and I am hoping that with all that I just wrote, it won’t. Because for one, I’m out of here, and two it was/is not what you three need at all.

Mich, GG, & Need you three are at a point in your lives that AAC is going to help you grow as it has done me. I love this place and can’t express enough what it has done to help me grow, to help me to start to confront my fears, my issues, and even helped me learn just a little better in way of communicating. I didn’t want to put anything in here like I did from the above exchanges of posts to prove anything (I am way beyond that) however I wanted you three to know where I am coming from. And I will be pissed, really pissed if you three throw in the towel…it took me 3x’s…it only fair, right?! And this place needs you three as well: You’re awesome women with a lot of beauty, wisdom, and giving within your walls of hurt and pain that are being knock down…keep digging girls, keep growing, keep on holding each other.

Cyndra left the afghan of love, comfort & hope, and I’m leaving my bonker to use on each other when needed to get someone’s negative tapes to quit playing. USE IT! And if your not comfortable using a bonker, ask Matteo how one goes about it being just a little more sensitive (could never figure that one out!) AND with the attention we got (geeesh!) there are also a lot of others on this site that are just so freakin awesome and who are now able to be a part of the *sisters* whether directly or the giving of support, comfort & wisdom like Ma Strong, MamaC, Kousin K have and recently like Free & Turnabout has for example.

Girls I love you three and I say that from the bottom of my heart. And will be holding you three very close. Nothing has been done here in vain. Everything has its reasons for happening and I knew there’d be blessings coming out it, and for all of us, whether you can see or believe it right now, those blessings are already starting. Just have faith and believe. And know that I will be fine, and am fine...I am a fucking fighter - BIG TIME. I haven't gone through all the shit in my life and the recent pucking of more of the shit out with you all to give up, and having had my season here - I am now loaded with tools and the time has come that I really start using them : ) And I have experienced the love of you three (should say 4-you too Cyndra) that will give me the comfort & encouragement that I am on the right track.

((((((Mich ~ GG ~ Need )))))) I love you girls.

Your big sis forever. LL

PS. I just hope my computer skills didn't go all hay wire, and if so then that must mean there was something in there that really needed some attention : ) and no picking apart any "grammer" errors either : ) and most of all- I hope I made sense to you three and you know that you big sisters are still right here with you- just not actively apart of the sisterhood.

Here it goes..."send reply"

November 29, 2006
12:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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ScaredinMichigan
27-Nov-06

LL,

Do you remember posting these words?

lovinglife 9-Nov-06

Mandy~ My Michigan : ) Gull darn it girl can’t we just hold you and love you enough to make it all better so I don’t have to share my feelings??? You’ve come to know I hate that- sharing what I feel and as the big sis here I need to stay strong - though somehow I think you could kick my *ss : ) couldn’t keep up with you last night while you were kicking some butt!! I went to bed last night just laughing-giggling about the whole ordeal.

Do you realize we first crossed paths on Oct 9th (a month ago exactly) and then on Oct 16th that within in 24 hrs between you, GG & myself we had close to 300 posts?! And ever since then, going strong with the additional of two more beautiful bouncing baby sisters (for me) Need & Cyndra, and our latest addition Friendma. What a beautiful sistership here that has been created because of you Mich, because of you.

There is something very special about you that if I could put into words what I feel I would… not sure why I can’t but its there-this warm spot within my heart for you. My prayer for you, is for you to see yourself the way you make others feel, to see yourself the way I feel about you but can’t express. For you to get to know that special, unique, gifted person who is are under all the hurt & pain you carry. And overall, for your pain to stop.

Now I have to say I haven’t laughed as much or hurt as much for another than I have during these past weeks. And also must say, I have grown just a touch more with you by my side – (or would that be running behind you?!). And with that, I thank you. I’m looking forward to moving onward with you on my journey while you continue yours getting equipped with just a few more outside tools and support.

We’re in this for the long haul. If Jim recommends inpatient care for you, do know that all the sisters will go on vacation until you get back as who the hell will hold us all together?? Wait, now that isn’t going to work….......We'd have to take care of GG for you - and to replace you in GG life’s for even just a short time it’s going to take all of the sisters AND the the ma's, AND the cousins...might even have to round some people up from the libs side and drag them over here to help out... working together, taking shifts… We will be busy, now won’t we?!!! {Love ya, ya lil sh*t : ) who told on me...}

I love you Michigan. I think you and your littlest twin are the most precious gift that I could have been given on my journey. And you brought into my life more gifts of...Cyndra, Need and Friendma - you’re awesome Mandy, you’re absolutely awesome.

Someday you will see this in yourself and when you do it will be freeing. Sometimes I wonder if my Higher Power’s most hurting creatures are the ones with the most beautiful souls. It’s what I have come to know.

Alrighty then, Mich- let’s go for GG’s dream here, together as a family...…and oh at the airport someday I will be the one with the t-shirt that says I'm the BIG sister and will be the one singing!!

Love you,

lovinglife

What happened to the long haul? What happpened to moving forward onthis journey together? It was all a lie. All of it. Keep this letter and keep telling yourself what it meant to you. I will never be able to tell you what it meant to me, and I am done telling you what it means to me now.

November 29, 2006
12:19 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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There is so much emotion in all of that. I have learned so much about myself. I came here knowing that I was screwed up. I was desperate for someone to understand me, to validat me, to care, to tell me that I am ok. I got all of that. I figured out rather quickly that I am codependant. I had already been told that I had PTSD. No shock there either. But then yesterday I was told that I had borderline personality disorder with bi-polar charactersitics. That is a lot to swallow. I handled that better yesterday that I am today. It hurts. I just want to be normal. It isn't devastating to me, I know that there is truth in all of that...it is just fact, I just want to be normal...

The several posts above prove a lot of things to me...I have the ability to be two totally different people. I feel strong, and speak from my heart...Totally calm....then, next thing you know, I am angry, pissed, hurt, and I become vindictive, manipulative, and many other things. I want desperately to love and be loved. I know that there are people here that love me just the way that I am. They are willing to do whatever they can to see me grow. I want to grow. I want to be free. I want to see a side of life that I have never seen. I want to walk where the grass truly IS greener on the other side. I want to be happy. I know that life is not a bed of roses no matter where you are in life. I just want to be able to genuinely smile...I want to make a difference in the life of someone else. I want to grow, I am tired of standing still. I want to have faith in what my future holds...

November 29, 2006
2:55 pm
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I wonder somedays if there truly is hope for the pain that I face. I wonder if I will ever let go of my mother. I wonder if I will EVER be normal. I have Jim now, and I think that helps...I think. He makes me see a side of me that I have not seen before. He makes me see where I am in all reality making conscious choices that make my life harder. I keep everyone at arms length because I don't want to be hurt again. What I want so deperately is to be loved. The problem is that I want it ONLY form my mother. I have people that would fill that void in my heart in a flash if I would allow it to happen, and that could adequately do so. Yet, I refuse holding out hope that she will want to one day fill that void in my heart. I love her, but the question is why. I can say that it is because she is my mother...BUT, I am her daughter that didn't make her love me. I don't know. I just want some of this to make sense to me. I want to be able to let go of her. I want to continue to grow, and I know that my love and deep desire for her are keeping me from moving forward the way that I could. I want all of these labels gone. Can they all be removed, or is this who I am?

November 29, 2006
6:11 pm
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Ok, so getting frustrated. It has been a long day. I just want it to end. The day. I need some sleep and to wake up in a better mood. It seems like a neverending story that one of my kids are always sick....some days...I just don't want to be a mom. I don't know...I just want to want to be a mom. I am so confused. I love my kids, I do. I am just tired...I want the ability to take care of me...and I don't have the strength right now to deal with me and all the stuff going on with my kids. I just simply feel overwhelmed I guess.

November 30, 2006
10:14 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Very sad this morning....guess I should have seen this one coming. I miss my mom, I miss my sisters, I feel alone. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I want to be me, whoever that is. I want to be happy. I want to feel as positive as I know I am able. I make myself appear strong to the people around me to the people that I talk to. Part of that is because I don't want anyone to know how bad I hurt. It all still hurts. I don't like change, I don't adapt well, and my life has changed here a LOT in the last week or so. My heart aches. Maybe it is time that I just grow up, and suck it up. I keep telling myself that, it just isn't that easy. I don't feel like I am moving anywhere alone!!

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