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Diary of guest_guest
May 16, 2006
10:09 am
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yea OMW, i'm reading books by Nathaniel branden, he's my doc also. Its nice. he's the expert on self-esteem. Pretty awesome, i think. I dont think i could get a better doc than him.. but lets see if he can really make me change.

alicat___ thanks. I do know some of her mistakes like being so free with men. I try to remind myself of that, but sometimes its hard.

Dr nathan is an expert on self-esteem so I think he's gonna do something more than any other therapist would to me. But lets see what happens.

May 16, 2006
1:38 pm
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guest-did u get over your headache??

why do u want to be with a woman who is so free with men. it sounds like she is unable to commit to one man. u are setting yourself up for alot of heartache with her guest. why are u so obsessed with her? could it be because u already know it wont work so it is safe to dream and want this girl. have u ever been in a relationship where u didn't feel so totally undone by the girl?

May 16, 2006
2:37 pm
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Yea i had to take 2 advils last night, its ok now thanks!!

I'm obsessed about her because she's the most prettiest sexiest girl in town AND she has the hots for me when I'm enjoying myself. She finds me irresistable then. So.. its hard to let go. We've had some nice times. I jsut wish she wasnt so free with me like that. I think I want to give her a chance to come close to me again and this time ler her know in ways that if we were to end up together, I could not tolerate that behavior. Then its up to her, if she wants to go, I'll let her go with dignity. But i dont want to end it with irritating her etc. you know? The low self-esteem gets to me sometimes.

I havent been in too many relationships, but the last two were those in which I did feel safe with the girl, especially the first one. I always felt safe with her.

This present one just has this agonigizng problem of being so free with others. If I behave calmly, I'll be able to get to the point where she knows I'm not going to take a joke.

But then again the biggest problem is my doubt of ever finding someone, so that spoils it all. If I believe I can have that relationship, I can so its all about believing in myself. Today's the 3rd session of Dr Nathan. lets see what happens.

May 16, 2006
2:50 pm
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typo:

"I just wish she wasnt so free with meN like that."

May 16, 2006
2:58 pm
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guest-i was wondering. at first i am like if she is free with guest and he doesn't like that then what the ???????. maybe she just likes to talk and be sociable. is it just her personality? if so, u are going to have to lighten up and not be so jealous. holding on too tight almost always spells disaster.

May 16, 2006
3:09 pm
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No, she's liked me in a really special ways, I mean we've kissed and stuff. She looks at me like I'm a pot of gold. She's said many nice things about me.

Yea, holding on tight is not good, it scares her away. I want to relax now and see what happens. The biggest mistakes I've made in this relationship have always been when I wasnt making sure I was maintaining my peace of mind.

If I take care of that, lots of other things will become OK. If I dont, it bugs the other person too.

May 16, 2006
3:14 pm
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guest-sounds like u know what u need to do. good luck. 🙂

May 16, 2006
7:55 pm
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guest-have u tried other antidepressants? just because remeron did not work, it doesn't mean another med. would not help u to relax. keep trying. zoloft is often prescribed for depression and lack of sleep. u are supposed to take it thirty minutes before u lay down. most people i know say it works pretty good. but if u stay up past the thirty min. after taking it,u miss the window of lights out.
celexa is a new med on the market that is supp to not be addictive. and not have as many side effects.

May 16, 2006
9:17 pm
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again, I remind you that I tried seven different meds before finding one that actually did anything for me.

sometimes you have to fix the biochemical issue before you can fix the self esteem issues.

I know that I tried many self help programs prior to finding this med - and only had marginal success...once on this med, I was able to turn my life around.

I am single, content, happy, and look forward to every new day that I am given....I am not in a hurry to find a man to make me feel good, and I am not in a hurry to find someone that will keep me from being lonely....I am okay with being "just me" - in my own skin.

I know I would still be in my dysfunctional relationship if I didn't have the meds - I would still be struggling to make it work, at any cost....my BF was HOT, the sex was good, he could be loving when he wanted to be....but wasn't consistent, responsible or careful with my heart......he wasn't loyal either....I deserve better....so do you....and your girl ain't it.

May 16, 2006
10:44 pm
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i'm happy some OK moments right now, somewhat peaceful. This is cause i'm allowing myself to feel.

guppy

I didnt try the others. I hate meds :(.

alicat__

His loyalty was the main problem, wasnt it :(. yea. Anyway - as you know, i hate meds.

Hey you know i'm feeling better right now, cause i'm allowing myself to feel what I want to feel. I dont know how long this will last but I'm trying to let my feelings just "flow" out naturally. Trying not to resist.

The doc too said today, "find another girl". I told him she's too sexy and plus she has the hots for me too. Anyway i told him also, the main problem is, often I feel hopeless about finding ANY one.

Am trying to let my feelings flow. Two different source have said that, resistance is not good. Dr nathan and Centerpointe, the meditation company. So today I've been understanding the importance of not resisting. It seems nice to let ourselves feel what we are feeling, like if i wanna frown, I do it. etc.

May 16, 2006
10:46 pm
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and who knows, tomorrow i'm gonna be resisting myself and feeling miserable. Wonder if i can get myself out of that then.

May 17, 2006
6:13 am
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Okay, so the girl's sexy and pretty, what else? Are these things that make you want to move heaven and earth, there must be more to this. Is she beautiful inside too? So she's said some kind words to you but it's actions that really count, ask yourself the question what has her really done for you?

May 17, 2006
7:37 am
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She's been just fine and very nice, except only two things: She changes her statements about things (I dont know if she forgot what she said previously about something, or just lies), and second, she's very liberal with men.

She has liked me genuinely when I've been in my good moods. We've really connected and I enjoy that admiration.

She already has a BF and I wish, I could move on and not obsess about her. I guess it'll take time. Its very hard sometimes because we've had some special moments of bonding.

But her liberal behavior with men is just sad. I just wish i could forget her - woke up thinking about her again.

Seems like she might call me out to a club again and lets see what happens. I hope to let myself flow "freely" and not resist my emotions. That really is the key to a strong personality. Thats when she'll have the hots for me again and thats when I can tell her "I cant tolerate liberal behaviour and lies".

gosh, she just HAD to be liberal. Things were going so fine before she did all this stupid stuff which made me be mean to her in emails. Thats when the downfall started, when she was being liberal.

I guess you might just say to forget her? I want to, wish I could

May 17, 2006
7:48 am
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She has a BF but its not the ideal situation for her. She says she moves to break it off and eventually will. One day I'll let her know why what we had between us, disintegrated. Most of all I want to develop so much self-esteem so that these things dont hit me badly like this and I always believe that there's someone nice for me who'll like me too - in low self-esteem its hard to believe positively like this. oh well.

Sleep. Argh. I'm mad and upset over this sleep loss again.

May 17, 2006
10:27 am
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Guest_guest
I get it.

I know it's hard to cut someone off we feel so strongly about.

Alot of people believe they have one soul mate the person they are ment to be with for the rest of thier lives, truth is there are many soul mates it's just a question of timing.
Be careful what you wish for, it might come true!

May 17, 2006
11:17 am
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thanks JL, thats very right, there are many partners for us, not just one. If there was one, it would mean we've really met ALL the couple of billion women in the world and decided she's the only one.

With time I hope to be able to detach from her. Its very hard sometimes when I remember of our passionate joyful times together. And then she had to go fool around with other men. She has a best friend who was her BF at one point. He left her cause he thought she was fooling around too.

Next time i meet her I'm gonna tell her, her best chances are with him if only she makes sure to convince him that she's only for him. That should send the right message in a number of ways. One, yes, i really do think she'll be better with him. Two, if she wants to get with me, she better assure me too that she's only for me.

May 17, 2006
12:22 pm
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Time is a great healer I should know the amount of broken hearts I have had.
Sounds like you have a plan guest_guest, good luck.

May 17, 2006
12:53 pm
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thanks! gonna try cleaning my room today. See if you can give yourself some self-respect today. Hold yourself in dignity. Give yourself time to feel and experience things. Your time is for you. I think we're both in the same boat with neglected parenting.

May 17, 2006
4:48 pm
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The resistance to the resistance thing isnt working too good! maybe its cause I didnt sleep as usual.

I was trying to take a nap and I noticed again there's some sort of apnea, I choke and wake up. I hope I get my sleep back one day, I know I can.

and just to tick guppy and OMW off: *whine whine, sniff sniff*

May 17, 2006
5:03 pm
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guest-LOL!!! it tickles the heck out of me. i dont know why but everytime u do the sniff sniff thing i picture snoopy on charlie brown walking along sniffing the ground when he is hunting or playing army....rememebr???

guest-would u like some crackers to go with that whine. (at least u wont have to microwave em) :0

May 17, 2006
5:10 pm
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lol hehe. Hmmmmm. yea wine would be nice! I didnt get to watch snoopy so I dont know but i did enjoy the comic strips.

May 17, 2006
5:15 pm
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gust-have u tried one of those masks u can sleep with that keep your airway open. are u overweight.? . have allergies? drink too much alchohol? smoke? or are u just dieing of boredom in that little room looking at your computer????

May 17, 2006
5:28 pm
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oh my gosh,u are going to have to watch It's the great pumpkin charlie brown. " snoopy goes on a pretend army deploy and sniff sniffs his way through the woods , through the rivr, through the ravines......that is the picture i have of u when u sniff sniff. lol!

May 17, 2006
5:34 pm
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I have none of that, except i gained 30 lbs - but now I'm my correct weight. I used to be underweight all my life. Maybe my throat isnt used to the extgra weight, i dont know.

heh, sniff. Lets see if i can sleep tonight - i say this every night. I still have hope cause i'm so tired so it never seems believable that i could wake up before my time. Oh well.

I dont want to try those masks. but i'll see what the sleep study tells me. They'll tell me whats the problem. I hope it can be fixed.

ok well, going off from work now and gonna nap there and then maybe clean my desk.

May 17, 2006
5:35 pm
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guppy
do you remember the teacher in charlie brown? She she made these really wierd sounds, this takes me back.

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