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Diary of guest_guest
May 13, 2006
1:48 pm
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anxiety over this girl. oh goshhh. i cant breathe. Anxiety over all girls, goshhh.

i need to respect myself ahh. ok, gonna try.

May 13, 2006
2:10 pm
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guest-go watch a movie on tv or something. i'm watching angel eyes on tnt.....hey where's my drink?......

May 13, 2006
2:13 pm
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guppy

feeling lazy 10/10

May 13, 2006
2:16 pm
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the TV is on, oh gosh.. im hungry.

everything sucks right now. 🙁 here's ur drink, a beer cooler, nice taste.

i feel totally aweful. oh my god

May 13, 2006
2:30 pm
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ok,i'll use the beer to make bread later. have u ever looked at webshots.com. way cool pictures. i am browsing during commercials. check em out.

May 13, 2006
3:02 pm
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yea they're nice, dont feel like looking at them :(. this girl and me, didnt work out. she might move out of town when she gets a job. she's looking.

i want to move out too. my big problem is, i seem to think, i cant find anyone to like me who i like too. Classic symptom of low self-esteem. Might read the 6 pillars book today.

hopelessness= 9/10

sniff :(( hmm :((

May 13, 2006
7:58 pm
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feeling a little better. reading the 6 pillars of self-esteem book. Here's how i got better? I discovered all this while that all I had to do is itch this certain spot on my shoulder. It had been bugging me all my life but I never knew what to do with it and now it occured to me to just scratch it for a little bit.

ah I wish it was thaaat easy. ok back to the book.

May 14, 2006
10:30 pm
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Feeling a little better. aHhh. trying to plan for my next job, where I want to go. I like Kalifornia. lets see what happens.

May 15, 2006
10:17 am
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Horrrrible horribleeee.

i feel aweful :((((( ohh :(( mmm

May 15, 2006
11:10 am
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its all cause of sleep. vicious cycle.

May 15, 2006
11:54 am
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then stop staying up all hours of the night......up to no good....

May 15, 2006
1:41 pm
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well i was sleeping. i sleep on time. I just wake up automatically at 4 am like clockwork and then cant go back to sleep.

i'm overwhelmed by too much self-help stuff. I'm gonna clean up my room and put away most of the books to forget about them, except one, the 6 pillars. Meditation is still gonna go on.

high self-esteem and being strong is just so foriegn to me. i should really get a job in the los angeles area so i can see Dr nathan in person. I'm trying to. i called a training company today. lets see what happens...

feeling really weak in every way. sniff :(( hmm

May 15, 2006
2:23 pm
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sorry-guppy is not going to bite!!

May 15, 2006
2:29 pm
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i know its ok, this is my diary you know. i rant and rant. I dont expect anyone to bite at all. its just here so i can complain. I dont expect a reply. A reply wont help. Only I can help myself.

this job leaves me with nothing to do. ok lets see I guess i could do something extra.

just not able to get rid of this aweful feeling. wow. a lot of despair

May 15, 2006
2:47 pm
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obviously u have too much time on your hands to think.....and this makes u sneaky, sly,.... and funny as hell.

May 15, 2006
2:54 pm
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sneaky and sky? why? how? hmmm.

May 15, 2006
3:05 pm
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typo: 'sneaky and sly'

May 15, 2006
3:43 pm
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ok, sneaky and sly at times, is that what you meant.

May 15, 2006
4:33 pm
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yea, as much as i love to fish...little did i know u were reeeling in a 150 lb. guppy the whole time........ 🙂 lol

May 15, 2006
4:40 pm
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i was? oh come onnnn. If I can reel in myself for myself, thats all I need. I wasnt reeling YOU. why would i do that. What would i get out of, most importantly. Nothing :(. If i dont have self-worth, no matter who I reel in, is not gonna help.

Damn it, i want to move to the los angeles area. It seems like a fantasy. They pay you to get training in that certain computer area and a job and they even pay for accomodation and then they garantee a job. This is crazy. heh. I emailed one of the guys though. There must be some downside, am talking to people now.

I just want to be in the LA area so i can see Dr Nathan in person. Nothing as important as my self-esteem.

May 15, 2006
5:33 pm
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guest-rofl.

May 15, 2006
6:55 pm
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once again guest looks for that "magic pill" to cure his self esteem issues.

instead of looking to the inside, you are now considering moving to be close to the man you think will fix you.

only problem is that once the reality hits that he won't fix you - you will be living in a foreign city with nothing - and still have the same issues.

stop looking for the "magic pill" - it doesn't exist....nobody, not even dr. nathan will fix you, not the books, the support groups, the self help programs, the online support.

nothing works until you LET IT work - and do the work yourself.

I know that when I tell you something won't work - you set out to prove me wrong - and I fear you will this time as well.

But look at the track record...how many programs have you tried, and tossed aside when you didn't get the instant gratification that you sought????????? many......there is no magic pill....anymore than there is to my weight issue....I just have to suck it up, and pay attention to my body and needs and FORCE MYSELF to exercise and eat right....nobody controls my weight but me....and NOBODY controls your self esteem but you....and if you can't resist being around that girl...you will continue to harm your esteem just like I will if I don't stay away from the sweets.

Dr. Nathan is going to be too busy to help you as much as you feel you need, or too costly for the time you want....chances are, you will get referred to someone in his practice, and not even see him directly....just like if I went to the atkins clinic - I wouldn't see dr. atkins himself - but his staff instead.

Anyway - just want you to see what you are saying, but I believe that you won't, no matter how I say it.

May 15, 2006
7:40 pm
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hi alicat, I would be glad to be away from her but I want to split on my terms i.e. I dont want it to end because I made her uncomfortable. I want it to end with me thinking she's not good for me. That would be the dignified "exit" for me about which I would not feel guilty, I think.

I know i can do it when i'm being strong.

Well im talking to Dr nathan on phone for therapy once a week, 45 minutes so he could see me in real life, I'm sure if I went there. Even if i dont get to see him or if it doesnt work out, it'll be good for me. I like the city and the food and the life there. There's more activities for me to indulge in too. Is it gonna make me happy? I know, not. But its a city I like better than the rest. I just hope I can get a job there. I'm trying.

you're right i have to do the work myself, but Dr Nathan will help me, you know. He'll guide me. He's the self-esteem expert of this country. I'm lucky to be talking to him.

I could ask you advice on what I should do to improve my self-esteem (besides forcing myself to get away from this girl), any other small advice? I dont want you to write long and then I ignore it or dont follow it, so I'd rather you write small so i dont feel guilty about troubling you.

In your bad times, when you heart has been missing your BF or thinking it could have worked out and you ended up feeling horrible and alone (or maybe you did not?), what did you do in those times to make yourself stronger? Sometimes we're helpess right? I am sometimes, about this girl and at times like those its impossible to get me to think rationally and let go of her.

Anyway.. I'm listening to this meditation CD package. People are saying it works so I'm giving it a try. thanks for writing..! hope you get that $60K order or whatever it was :).

May 15, 2006
8:40 pm
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no, didn't get the order, but that's ok.

as far as the boyfriend goes - when I think about him - I think about my previous boyfriend - and how much BETTER he was - despite his drinking - I also think about all the pain he caused - I also think about the freedom I have to do the things I want without working around HIS schedule - I enjoy spending money on ME instead of him.

How do I get past the fantasy that it could have worked out?????? I went back and re-read all the saved emails from our past - and saw that the SAME struggles existed 18 months ago, and NOTHING changed, no matter how much he promised it would.

Also - he is honest and says that he can't be the guy I need - so that helps.

your esteem? can't tell you - my outlook on life changed when I found my anti-depressant....and my esteem is actually soaring these days.....because I CHOOSE to see the good in my life....instead of all the problems.

and one last thing - you are pinning alot of hopes on Dr. Nathan....and I guess my thought would be - if he was the ONLY person worthy of therapy - good enough to coach the lowest of people.....then all the other therapists would be out of business....I think there is something to be said for the rest of the population in the medical community....they don't need a big name to be good. And I don't think that seeing him in person will do any more good than on the phone - the advice will still be the same.

anyway - I don't have much advice for you....except to say happiness is a choice....and the only person holding you back is you.

May 16, 2006
1:07 am
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on my way
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guest, so you are reading a book by your therapist?

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