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Diary of guest_guest
May 7, 2006
11:31 pm
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This is a place for my diary where I'll rant and share all my thoughts. I dont expect input or reading from anyone but of course if you want to, you're most welcome. Its just for me to express myself. Sometimes I just need to come here and express.

May 7, 2006
11:34 pm
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oh yesss my own diary.

The last few hours of this day have been peaceful and fairly contented. I feel nice and soft. I wish there was someone to cuddle with right now, that would make it so nice.

I wrote some emergency measures to do next time I'm feeling totally crappy, like I was this afternoon.

The emergency measures are basically:

- sit and feel the feelings

- ask myself in a patient way what is bothering me

- talk to myself about those problems aloud

- say it loudly: "I'm feeling very horrible and low right now"

May 8, 2006
7:43 am
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well well, the 2nd night where i was able to sleep. I got up in the night, without thinking about her and was able to go back to sleep.

pretty good. I hope to detach from her. I hope i hope. there are other women i can pursue. i feel good. good so far.

May 8, 2006
9:11 am
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sleep wasnt that bad but i'm feeling a lil bit drowsy. Sometimes its just hard to get out of the rut. hmmmm.

It became easier yesterday evening and I had really peaceful sleep. Again i couldnt believe that I wasnt obsessing about that girl when I woke - which is what I always do. I wonder what I did. I think I kept my peace of mind and thought about other girls. Wow, really cool. I hope i can keep that up tonight too.

I think she's gonna see some change in me. I'll be alloof and once she comes after me, I'll let her know: the biggest thing i fear about her, is she wont keep herself exclusive for me, if we enter into a relationship. Would she be able to? thats what i'll ask her.

Does anyone mind if i keep this diary? atleast i wont go around the forum ranting in other threads.

May 8, 2006
9:35 am
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mamacinnamon
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Guest:

You keep your diary. And if you want to rant on the other threads then feel free. I've not read much above, just skimming and saw your question. I think it good you ask questions if you'd like answers. Maybe a different perspective would be helpful. Post away. 🙂

May 8, 2006
9:46 am
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heh, thanks mama.

May 8, 2006
11:37 am
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Cici
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diaries are good...

May 8, 2006
12:06 pm
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I'm telling ya I'm HOT where I'm there in the flow. I have to learn to keep myself in that way.

I'm irresitable when that happens! Gosh this hot cute girl, she was introduced to me by this other girl who wanted to date me. And then umm. .that didnt work out at that time because I was "needy".

This time gosh, it felt like she just wanted to linger. They're so clever! I felt she brushed my hand against mine for a long time and was just waiting for me to chat. Well, the tongue tied I am, I didnt do it. I have to get to the level anyway where I'm not nervous talking to a hot girl. Cant these girls see they gotta come to me themselves? Cause i'm nervous but once they're with me, I'll have a nice time.

Ok so yea, these hot girls, I know they want me when I'm peaceful. My "goodness" is very obvious in social interactions when I'm in a good mood and then everyone wants to be with me. See I'm a nice light guy, its just the nervousness sometimes that gets to me. Or MOST of the times.. damn.

May 8, 2006
1:39 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Guest...

Work thru the nervousness. Positive self talk. You can sit there in the midst of all the "hot girls" in the club and do some relaxation technique and them not even know.

Hey, they all love ya... what's there to be nervous about???

May 8, 2006
2:00 pm
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thanks Mama

Its hard sometimes to relax, when I'm feeling crappy. I think I just have to get better at this. Looking back at the years at who I was, I've improved you know. I'll keep working. I want to be as strong as all the people I admire! like my boss and so many other healthy people. I dont know how people do it.

I have to attack the actual negative thoughts, have to know what they are and then attack them with positive thoughts. If I can figure out what the negative ones are. I hope I have a nice session with my doc tomorrow.

gosh that girl was so cute. She just stood there, probably waiting for me to say something and I didnt. Well girlie, if you want me, you could find out where I am if you really wanted to. But if she waits, I'll be too hot and then I might even have to tell her no. I'll get to that point one day. yea.

May 8, 2006
2:29 pm
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When we resist our authentic self, thats the person we really are - thats when misery strikes.

If we can learn to not resist ourselves, that would be it. So not resisting our real feelings and thoughts, experiences and interpretation.

May 8, 2006
10:20 pm
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guest, what about trying to be your absolute best self...that person you know you are? it is already there, it just seeps out with fear. try to see fear as something you can conquer! guest, the conqueror!!!

May 8, 2006
10:37 pm
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heh, I wish! Fear is the biggest enemy, really. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" :(( mm. A quote I read I think in Dr nathan's book. Hey that reminds me, i got his new book six pillars today. yeaaaaa. Gonna read it, but now I gotta take a shower. I feel good, well.. OK. Not as strong as I'd like, but oops, gotta remind myself - I accept myself if I'm not feeling strong. No one can ne strong all the time, that would be perfect but then... now I'm confused. ah.

But I have some anxiety about this girl and that means, I'm gonna wake up at 4 am again. Goshhh this girl is my alarm clock! I'll tell her to set herself at 7 am instead of 4am, so atleast I can get my 8 hours, lol.

I wish I could tell her this and make her laugh but she'll be alarmed. MAybe I'll tell her this later. I tell myself I dont accept her until she's able to commit her romantic emotions to only me. Until she does that, I'll remain a friend. Thats a good strategy. I'll give her one last chance, to prove her faithfulness to me.

May 8, 2006
11:39 pm
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I wanna ask these two questions to this girl, after she's shown consistent romantic interest in me for some time:
If we were in a relationship:
- Would you be able to keep yourself physically and romantically exclusive for me?
- Would you be able to be honest to me in important matters?

There's one more sub-questions, but its less important, like:

- If you needed my comfort but I was in a bad mood, how would you deal with it?

etc.etc. I think they are good questions.

May 9, 2006
8:21 am
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I miss her physically mm :(. Not jsut sexually, but everything else too. I want her. Why did I have to scare her away the last time she was here? She'll be back soon, I hope. Gosh. Sometimes I cant control my feelings and I do miss her. hmmmmm 🙁

i had an OK sleep, had to wake up earlier than usual to go to the restroom. I think i drank too much water. Not that bad though. Gosh, where the hell is she. worrying about my job search too hmm 🙁 guess the good thing is to feel sad properly, yea.

May 9, 2006
10:36 am
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I sent her a real sweet email, giving her a quote from dr nathan about lies. Once she told me its hard for her to differentiate between whats real and whats not. I found that quote and sent it to her I hoped it made her understand herself.

I gotta wait for her romantic interest to grow in me and this time, I hope to let it grow without the negative interruptions I've done in the past. When that interest grows to a certain strong level, I'll ask those important questions. And then I'll keep it going until I find she's being unfaithful and then that will be it. I'll not go back to her again unless she gives me $500,000 or something. lol.

So.. that is it. I hope I can keep myself from being hurt. If it works, its worth it. Funny I'm back to square one. The problem was that I was aggressive and shouldnt have been. Well girl, this is your last time and I'll move on then. It'll be tough but I can do it, yea.

May 9, 2006
5:15 pm
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Feeling horrible, horrible! despair all around. gosh. What the hell is happening, why. Atleast I have my doc session today. Maybe its just the poor sleep. I need to do some clothes shopping for myself too. Its time I got some new stuff. Mood: 2/10

May 9, 2006
5:23 pm
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guest...how were you being aggressive?

May 9, 2006
5:46 pm
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About those emails to her? I started seeing a pattern where she'd flirt with other men too. Then a couple of times she lied to me about these encounters she had with other men, like, first she told me she drank beer alone with some office guy. Later she denied she was alone. This was the same guy who she was starting at in a business meeting.

Things like this, she just drives her BF's crazy. Her now-best-friend was her boyfriend a couple of years ago who also had the same suspicion that she was cheating on him. They split because of that, but now she goes visits him in another city WHILE she already has a BF and he comes here to stay too. She just returned yesterday from visiting ANOTHER ex - what is she trying to do. It drives me mad sometimes.

So I got mad over all that and sent her emails saying she cheated on BF with me (we had sex a couple of times too). Stupid me, I guess I should have went ahead and said nothing, now atleast I'd be having sex with the prettiest girl in town who also digs me. Instead I wrote those emails (this was about 2 months ago). She said she didnt read them.

But the way she is, she'll forget or disregard all that, IF I come back and am the same guy she got the hots for. IF I'm myself and IF I have strong boundaries and keep my calm, you know? all that good stuff.

So the biggest problem now is, I'm not able to maintain my positiveness. Plus a week ago I messed up things again by talking about the sex we had and she walked out of my apt saying she didnt want to talk about it and left right then.
My mistake: I didnt keep my calm. I let my mental agitation get to me and her. Naturally anyone would have left and not wanted to talk about it. I wish I would have kept my calm.

And now I wish if my rationality would kick in. I would be calm and wait for her and hopefully things would be the same again and when things would get real involved, I'd give her one last chance to show me that she would commit to me. I'm not looking to be friends with benefits, I'm looking for a good relationship.

She knows she's hot and any man can come to her on her command.

Deeply I wish I was over her and mentally healthy so I could pursue other girls, but I'm not healthy for that too. Not consistently atleast :(. Depression and anxiety gets stuck in me sometimes and it feels it'll never go away. Then I remember it does get better.

But today I went to the other office where I met her and I had some good convos with everyone. She was looking at me again like I'm eye candy, what she does usually. But when I left, I think my good bye was sad.

I dont know. She's driven me crazy over these last few months. Then again, its she who jump started me on mental health efforts. I really want to have a good relationship with someone healthy.

thanks for listening, sorry its long.

May 9, 2006
5:48 pm
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So.. see? that was aggressive. I should have been able to keep my calm and approach her assertively. Instead I got aggressive. At the time I thought I was going to forget her because she flirted with other guys, but I found myself trapped again. If she wasnt that sexy, it would be easy, plus, I'm eye candy for her in my sane calm moments, so its hard to resist. Gosh.. why cant she just come to me.

May 9, 2006
5:54 pm
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Everything depends on my ability to keep my positive sanity and calm, in any situation. If I'm able to do this and I'm trying all the time, I can do anything and get anything I want, or any girl I want.

If I cant do it, then I cant get anything I want and live will be wasted. ch ch. I have a hunch I'll feel better when I get home.

May 9, 2006
6:03 pm
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guest, you are trying so hard. but may i tell you what i see? and i am not being critical as i recognize this because i have done it before....your thinking is causing your behavior to seek approval. your motivation for getting bettr is her, or it seems to be, i could be wrong, so that if she does not maintain the same personna, it upsets you, and your moods fall based on her reaction to you. then you beat yourself up and blame yourself for something you did that was you just being YOU. who YOU are has value with or without the email or what you said to her. bottom line, is either she likes you or she doesn't. and you are the same way...bottom line you either like someone or you don't, right? from living with my ex, who i shared with you about his abusive mom in another post, he tried everything to please her and could not, so he kept trying and never felt loved by her, but her critical nature hung out with him anyway. For you....you can please a person or you can't. If you can't then it wasn't meant to be. If you don't trust her, then your emotions will be led around the barn several times a day unless you put your foot down and she cares enough about you to open her eyes and change for you...it happens with some.

It depends on what guest wants and what is guest willing to put up with to make his life better? You deserve someone you can trust, with your personality it is probably essential.

You are worthy of all good things and relationships. What happens happens, and generally for a good reason.

Hope this made sense, but if not then I apologize.

omw

May 9, 2006
6:16 pm
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:(( I wish I could do that. I know, all my motivation for getting better seems to be so I can get her. I know this is totally wrong. yet I cant be any other way, I cant control it. I wish I could. I'm going to talk to the doc about this today. I'm SO tired of this :((.

I wish what you said really sank into me permanently. That is totally right. Its the problem of a low self-image.

I'll come back and read your post again because this is the main problem for me.

May 9, 2006
6:20 pm
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You will be able too. It all depends on how you learn. It takes me sometimes over and over to learn, hear it, read it, over and over until it sinks in. Many, many people are in the same boat...just gotta be one of the rowers and not one of the riders!!

Let me know what your doc says later if you want too. Hope you have a good session. And try to look at it as you are one step closer guest, to becoming who you want to become. 🙂

May 9, 2006
6:57 pm
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on my way- i am like that. sometimes it will be a month later before i comprehend what someone was trying to tell me. in my case, i think it is partially hardheaded and somewhat dimwitted once in a while. ha!!!

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