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diary of an addict's wife
November 2, 2005
1:59 pm
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jastypes
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10/31/05
In our marriage counseling session on Saturday, Mark revealed that for a year prior to the accident, he had a 3 bags of heroin a day addiction. I was floored. I am still reeling. he had the nerve to say, "I'm sorry, but you should have known." And, of course, he says it's in the past now. He doesn't want to talk about it or be reminded of it. He just wants to move forward. I want to rip his head off.

November 2, 2005
2:34 pm
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I had taken my children out to a haunted house thing on Sunday, and when I got back, I had to sit in the car for a long time to compose myself before I could go in. i could not stop crying. I went inside finally, and Mark was asleep. I went up to the girls' room, laid on Amy's bed and cried some more. I feel like the walking dead this morning, even though I slept pretty well. My hands are shaking and my arms feel weird like I did when my BP was low and I almost passed out.) It's not as intense a feeling as it was that time though.

November 2, 2005
3:35 pm
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I flashed on something last night. Mark said this is in the past, and perhaps it is. It doesn't make it any less painful at this moment. It's like when my son told me about his abuse. It was in the past, but the pain I felt when he told me was fierce and fresh and raw. It's diminished somewhat in the past year, but it's not completely gone either. It's nto fair for Mark to think I would just say, "okay, let's move on."

November 2, 2005
4:00 pm
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I feel like a giant picked scab: bleeding, oozing, leaking, painful to the touch, rough. I don't want to be at work. I want to be in bed. Feeling sorry for myself? YUP. and I don't feel like stopping either.

November 3, 2005
12:17 pm
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11/3/05 I guess I’m just trying to be heard and understood. The intense pain is subsiding, and I imagine that in a month or so I’ll be thinking a lot more clearly. I appreciate you’re “listening” to my rantings. Praying on the train this morning, I realized that I have a very basic need that I just can’t get met, and that is making this journey even more difficult. Well, actually, it was a need I didn’t even recognize until this morning. I just wanted to be held, allowed to cry, and told everything would be okay. Of course, in my head I replayed how when I cried for my father’s leaving, I would put my head in my grandmother’s lap, she would stroke my hair and tell me to be strong; no man is worth crying over. Then I tried to imagine myself in my Heavenly Father’s lap, letting him stroke my hair, and He just told me it was okay to feel, okay to grieve; He will never leave me. No reassurance that everything would be okay, or that Mark was or wasn’t worth crying over, just that it was okay to cry.

jill

November 3, 2005
10:08 pm
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J,

I have been reading the diary as it goes along. I don't have any words to describe my empathy. I am happy that you have found comfort in God who calls all those who are weary and heavy laden to come to Him for rest. I pray that you will find the peace and calm that He gives to the broken hearted.

(((((((Jill)))))))))

November 4, 2005
9:45 am
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Regret, thanks for listening.

I go to bed thinking about it, and wake up thinking about it. I am grateful that I don’t dream about it. I’m afraid to let it go, because if I do, then it will seem insignificant, and things will stay the same. This is an opportunity to change things, but things won’t change if I ignore them. I don’t know the healthy way to deal with something this big, and yet not let it affect my every waking moment.

Did talk to God last night. He told me to take my time. Funny, huh? I came to understand that my natural instinct is to put it away, push it down, swallow it, “do the right thing,” but it is disingenuous. It would be fake. It would not be addressing the problem, just hiding it. In the past, I could live like that. I could stuff it, and say I forgave him. The new me just cannot do that. I do want real healing, but I have no idea what that looks like. It isn’t something I can do. It isn’t something Mark can do. It is only something God can do. And I have no clue how even He can pull it off, or if He wants to. I only know that I will not deny my feelings about this, however long it takes.

It occurred to me during my prayer time last night that this latest revelation is actually riding the coattails of all that has gone on before. I have forgiven him for everything before the accident, that I knew about. This one is something different. And while the other things are forgiven, they are not forgotten, and they carry weight that now rides on the back of his heroin addiction – or perhaps it is the other way around.

I am NOT fooling myself. I had stopped trusting my own instinct. It is very, very easy for me to turn everything, including this, around so that I point the finger back at myself and tell myself (and actually believe) that it’s all my fault. I am done with that. This is not my fault. I didn’t make him do a single drug in the past 20 years. I did not drive him to it. I do believe I should have seen it. I should have known. And now I do know.

I do believe that other people are fooling themselves, namely Mark and Pastor Craig. I think my pastor may just be naïve and want what’s best for Mark. That’s commendable. Mark, on the other hand, continues to live in a fantasy world, with or without drugs. I took a look at the evidence last night. That’s what comes from working in a law firm. If the moment of the car accident is the absolute turning point where Jesus takes hold of Mark’s life and frees him from addiction, then what would Mark “look” like after the accident? What would he look like at that point? I’m not sure. But here is what I do see.

Following the accident, Mark stopped smoking cigarettes. He came home obviously not smoking and claiming that he would not do that again because he had been “set free” from that. Well, he is now smoking 1-2 packs per day. At the hospital, and on his immediate return home, Mark told me that God had convicted him regarding his racism. He said he would never again be the bigot he was. Well, that was short lived, and even in his most recent visit home, he used racial slurs and made prejudiced remarks. Following the accident, Mark and I started praying together. Within a few months of his being home, he stopped praying out loud around me at all, and the last time I asked him to pray with me, his prayer went something like, “God, please change my wife.” He continues to consume alcohol – no, not to any great degree (that I know of). He plays Strip Poker on his cell phone with a computerized stripper. His spare time is spent playing Nintendo games. Yes, he did read the entire Left Behind series and enjoyed it immensely. Frankly, so did Judi, who, to my knowledge, is an atheist or agnostic.

I am not denying Mark’s salvation. I was there in the room this time when he made his confession of faith. But I don’t for one minute believe that he was miraculously delivered from addictions. I don’t see the evidence of that. Maybe he is not using any illegal drugs at this time. But I’ve been here before. He was clean for 2 years, 10 years ago, after a crack addiction. He never picked up the crack pipe again (that I know of), but now I learn that 10 years later he turned to heroin. I don’t believe it ends here. He went back to living in the same place, working the same job, hanging with the same people. To avoid temptation he pours himself into Nintendo, Strip Poker and talking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone.

November 4, 2005
10:44 am
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(((((((((((Jastypes))))))))))))))
I Soooooooooooooo relate to what youve shared.
Ive been crying , well for over 3 years, but all morning is what i was intially going to types.
I am at a loss. These old wounds keep geting violenty ripped opn and Im ready to Blow, Ive been silent tooooo long. I am allowing myself to be pissed "this time" to be scared, to be hurt, to OWN it, and I hate it, Im scared of this, adn I feell ike I just dont know how much more I can bear.
Im trying sooo hard ot focus on my health, myself, etc, but I am overwhelmed at the moment, and my chin is doing that very UNflattering chin quiver thing and my eyeballs are FLOODED weith salty water, Like I sprung a leak.
I have wriiten "Him" a letter, becasue every attempt Ive made to discuss this "Last issue" on 10/29/05 has been shot down, ignored, and AVOIDED like the plague. I was afraid of him last night, He came home in such a FOUL nasty mood and I was afraid to open my mouth anymore, so i withdrew and craweled inside my head and stayed somewhere cozy and safe for a while. Like a deer in teary headlights at this computer. paralyzed. shaken stired, and regurgitated. Im not afraid for my life, like I dont think he will ever lay a hand on me scared, But i am so afraid of where my life has come, what is becomming of me, and where the hell did that guy I soooo totally adored, LOVED, and admired go?? where is he??? where is my huig? my kiss hello/goodbye, my comforting words of optimism?? it's all been smoked, and burned or snorted.
I am the WIDOW of a LIVING man.And no one is at thewake but me.

November 4, 2005
9:30 pm
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I did something today. Something that I have not done in awhile that I should be doing everyday. After I listened to an AM Christian Station and heard how there are "Street Missionaries" that actually go on the streets and help those addicted to various drugs and alcohol and are involved into male prostitution, that these ministers actually have helped many come to see God and turn their lives around. What I am getting here is that I have been trying to help myself get through my husband's addiction by praying for myself and my children, and thinking that this would be enough, I haven't prayed to have God be with my husband. How could I have thought I could make things works on my own. My husband has to change things on his own with the help of the Lord. My, he sure needs to seek the strength of the Lord. I pray that the Lord will be there for him and see him through this.

What I am trying to say is that this revelation has made me stronger today. My husband is sick and needs help. I can't do it on my own and nor can he.

LIC, Matthew 65

November 5, 2005
7:17 am
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(((((((((((J, AW and Mathew,))))))))))))

As some of you may know, I have never been married and cannot speak from that angle but I can relate to your pain and need to have something done.

J, my brother used drugs sometime in his life. Cannot say much cos haven't seen him in three years or 21/2 years now. But, according to my parents, he is doing good. Well, as a christian, one thing i know is that God saves and offers us new opportunities etc (what y'all know). But, the issue of addiction needs some other tools including prayer, to beat. First, scientifically, whatever drug is being consumed gets into the blood stream of the consumer and as such, with the exception of marijuana, going without creates withdrawal symptoms. The diff with Marijuana is that it creates what is known as reverse tolerance and some of the chemical produced through smoking is stored in the fatty tissues of the body. So, once the consumer stops consuming, the body releases the stored toxins into the blood stream thereby indirectly feeding the addiction. Apart from that, each one builds tolerance which means more has to be consumed.

Grace assists will power and sometimes, other forms of medication to beat this addiction. But, (and I have often wondered why God did not qualify self will) without the honest willingness to quit, the consumer cannot stop. Now J, it seems as if Mark is doing something many Christians do - they get into problem, they get through it miraculously and all of a sudden they realise the grace/love/power of God. Well, let the fear of the tragedy wear off and they are back to square one.

I can imagine all you have written and my advice is that you stick to your words. Yes, pray because you seem heavy laden with worry so that God can show you how to deal with all this. And it is very good that you refuse to take the blame. Except you rolled up the first joint for him, no one is responsible for another adult's behaviour.

Take care of yourself. But the issue is that you are in counselling now. And what you are grieving happened sometime ago. With this, I suggest that you ask God for closure. It seems the issues are layered and so it might be best to kind of unpack them all and deal with each one. Exactly what are you grieving now? The bags of heroin he consumed earlier or his drinking/game with the stripper/refusal to pray with you etc? Unpack the emotions as best as you can so that you can deal with all of it one after the other or even if they are together, you would be able to identify what you are crying over or praying for.

I am praying with you and wish you the very best.

Love and peace to all of you!

November 6, 2005
9:46 pm
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Mark didn't follow through with the pastor's advice this weekend to ask me to sit down and talk with him about what was discussed last week. To me, it was something little, and he couldn't even do that. He says he's "different." I just don't see it? What's different? His relationship with the kids did get better while he was home after the accident. But now that he's back in Elizabeth, when he does come home on the weekends, he doesn't spend any time with the kids or me. He actually left tonight (instead of tomorrow morning like usual) because his recently divorced female friend who he's been talking to a lot recently had a gift for him and wanted him to meet her in Elizabeth. Is that something a person who is trying to restore his marriage does? And I'm sitting here crying, like an idiot. And I'm not crying because he's not here. Oh, no way. I'm crying because I am too much of a coward to put an end to this ridiculous excuse for a marriage. Honestly, he spends more time talking to her than to us. He actually had the nerve to say (maybe 2 weeks ago) that I could learn something about communication from Chris. In the counseling session, he said that my biggest weakness is my inability to communicate. You know what? I communicate very well with people who listen to me. What about the fact that he was never really emotionally available? What was the point of talking to him? And as for today, he'd say, "Well, I asked you if it was okay, and you didn't say no." So it becomes MY responsibility.

I don't know if anyone can help me. I don't know if I want help. I just want someone to understand how I feel, what it's like to live like this. Sometimes I insist that I'm not the crazy one, but then on nights like tonight I feel like I'm just as insane as I believe Mark is.

jill

November 7, 2005
2:27 am
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((((((((Jill)))))))))))))

I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could wish it away but I cannot. However, it is possible to learn something through the pain. Why didn't you say it wasn't ok with you when he asked to meet Chris?

Just a thought and also to let you know I am still here although silent, I still read.

Peace to You.

November 7, 2005
9:45 am
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I didn't say it wasn't okay for a few reasons. Most of them bad.
1. I want him to take responsibility for his actions, and not ask me to make his decisions for him.
2. I want him to slip and fall. I want more and more ammunition against him for when I finally do file for divorce.
3. I really don't give a rat's ass what he does.

Looking at this, I can hardly deny that I'm any healthier than he is.

November 7, 2005
9:51 am
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(((((((Jill)))))))))))

Will write back to you later! Try to have a gd day today.

November 7, 2005
1:27 pm
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Jill,

I cannot write much- honestly because you actually took the wind out of my sail with the last sentence. I am not here to judge or condemn. I have not lived with an addict husband and to say I understand you would be a lie. However, I would like to say that in all these things, please do not allow the situation to make you lose your christian focus. It must hurt- I cannot deny that. And I don't have a clue as to how all this would end. BUT, please don't lose yourself in it. Your last sentence makes it all clear.

It must be tough and you do have my prayers.

((((((((Jill))))))

November 8, 2005
11:37 am
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Figuring I really have nothing left to lose, I went to Mark last night and told him that I was seriously disappointed when he did not ask me to sit and talk with him on Saturday. I told him it felt like he couldn’t do that one little thing for us. Of course, he explained that he didn’t feel I was ready to talk, because I seemed so angry and distant; and he was afraid to hear what I had to say. That was nice and honest.

I also told him how I felt about him leaving early on Sunday to meet Chris. I told him that while I honestly don’t care, it felt like something contrary to wanting to restore our marriage.

I also, perhaps unfairly, told him that I feel that the restoration of the marriage falls squarely on his shoulders, as he is the one who has really made a mess of things over the years. Then I shared with him some of my e-mails, which I have put into my journal, about my feelings over the past week. To Mark’s credit, he listened and then apologized without being defensive.

I also told him that I intend to file for divorce. I’m doing it to protect myself and my children. However, I pointed out that in PA it takes 2 years for a divorce to become final, and can take as long as 5 years if he contests it. If at the end of that time period our marriage looks a lot different and we are on a progressive road, I will consider not making the divorce final. He completely understood.

Finally, he agreed to take a drug test so that at least I can begin to rebuild trust. I told him that was a very good first step. He asked me to make the appointment for that, which I will do today.

Follow up – he said that he would talk to the pastor about getting together again for another session. Now, that’s his responsibility and I’m anxious to see whether or not he will follow through with that. In the meantime, I continue working my program and living one day at a time. God is with us. In my times of intense prayer this week I have heard from Him. He loves me. He loves Mark. Nothing either of us do or don’t do will separate us from His love. He hates divorce, but He loves me, and he understands me.

November 8, 2005
12:08 pm
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(((((((Jill)))))))))))))

November 9, 2005
10:33 am
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Here are some well-meaning thoughts I have gotten from Christian counselors. This shit makes my head spin for real. I’ve also added my comments. Please tell me when I stop making sense:

“Even the mention of divorce hurts the children.” Absolutely correct. But I can’t ignore the problems. What about the hurt of drug addiction? My children have been hurt, over and over and over again. Yup, divorce hurts. It’s gonna hurt them. But heck, they’re already gonna need years of therapy for the harm that’s been done to them while Mark and I have been married!

“Divorce is never a pathway to healing.” I’m thinking maybe the THREAT of divorce might lead to healing. Okay, maybe not. I’m still wrestling with this one. My filing for divorce is definitely NOT conducive to restoring the marriage – just like Mark’s spending time with Chris is something I viewed as non-restorative. However, in the place I am right now, I honestly have put the restorative work all on Mark. Hey, haven’t I tried EVERYTHING over the past 20 years to make my marriage work? I’ve been hurt, lied to, and betrayed over and over and over again. Yup, I don’t feel like working to restore the marriage

November 9, 2005
4:48 pm
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Jill,

U make perfect sense. i just have one question- aside of what everyone else is saying, if u had one possibility to make a wish, just one, what would you want out of this?

November 9, 2005
8:27 pm
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What I've always wanted, Regret, since I was a small child -- I want a happy family.

November 9, 2005
8:32 pm
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J,

I am not a therapist so forgive me if i am wrong. But my next question is, how do you imagine "constructing" a happy family. I see you mentioned that you don't feel like restoring the marriage - that is Mark's bit now after all your efforts. J, do you want a time out to chill and catch your breath after all you have gone through or are you counting on Mark to do the restoration for all the family? If it is the latter, do you think it is realistic at this point?

You are still in my thoughts and prayers. I only pray that the very best for you, for Mark and for the kids is what eventually unfolds.

((((((Jill))))))

November 9, 2005
10:49 pm
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It is absolutely unrealistic for me to expect Mark to fix our family. It is also unrealistic to think that it is completely his responsibility to fix it. I guess I just feel empty, and like I have nothing left to give to this marriage. My pastor says that healing will take graciousness, patience, communication and work on both our parts. I feel like I have been doing all the work alone for so long that I don't want to put forth any effort -- or maybe at least not until I see Mark trying to pull his weight in this. I'm beyond tired. 20 years of not having my needs met, and my pastor says I have to meet Mark's needs. I can't take it. Okay, really he's saying we're supposed to meet each other's needs. If we were looking at bank accounts, mine would be empty, and Mark's would be full. I think it's time for him to give -- A LOT!!!!!

I'm scared to put myself out there again, to give of myself, to expose myself, to bare my soul, only so Mark can stomp on my heart and suck out my spirit.

He was supposed to ask me to talk on Saturday. He didn't. Why in the world would I think he's ever going to be able to do anything for me?

My pastor wants me to NOT file for divorce. How much is a woman supposed to take? Does Mark really have to beat me, or cheat on me to make it okay to leave him -- biblically speaking, that is. I'm supposed to tolerate absolutely everything else, including lying, betrayal, substance abuse?

I feel like I'm dying again.

jill

November 11, 2005
10:00 am
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Life sucks! Exactly how long do you think it will take for me to get over this pain of betrayal and actually forgive the bastard? Why do I feel so hostile all the time? We had a family counseling session last night. It was so calm and peaceful – with this incredible undercurrent of hatred and anger that didn’t rear its ugly head until AFTER the counselor left our house.

Mark is upset with me because instead of patting him on the back for telling the truth, I tell him I’m filing for divorce. He woke up singing, “I’m getting a divorce,” over and over in a sick sing-song voice. I wanted to punch him.

He says at the session last night that he has given some thought to what I said about there being underlying reasons for his addictions. I’m feeling encouraged at that point. So what does he say later???? That I fed into his insecurities, making him more insecure, which led to more and more drug use. Okay, so now it’s my fault again. Oh, and the real kicker? He says every time (that would be twice) I’ve thrown him out or threatened divorce, it’s when my friend David is around. Okay, so it must be David’s fault I want a divorce. Mark actually said that I probably secretly want to get together with David.

He also says maybe he should kill himself. Would it be really wrong for me to load the gun?

And he says maybe he should go back to using drugs, because it’s always when he STOPS using drugs that I seem to want out of the marriage. (hmmm, wonder why that is)

I’m meeting with my pastor on Saturday – alone. I know he wants to talk me out of filing for divorce. You know what? I’m even willing to do that if it would make things better. But I want something in return. You know what I really think though? I think Mark wants a divorce as much as I do, but he’s too chicken and stupid to go get one.

Could I be any more un-Jesus like these days? I’m starting to hate myself again. Where’s the grace and love that I know lives deep inside me?

Mark and I read 1 Corinthians 7 together last night, as we were instructed by our pastor. I’m thinking I like the part that says we can make a mutual decision to be apart for a while, to devote ourselves to prayer, and then come back again later.

Thanks for letting me vent.

jill

November 11, 2005
11:39 am
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Jill,

Thaw out. Feel the feelings. Go through the emotions as you are doing ( yeah life sucks), vent as much as you can and don't cease praying.

I am not commenting on what you wrote. You have valid points. Your post is that of one in deep thinking. No need to interrupt that. All I want to suggest is that even with all the noise and chaos around you, do find sometime to meditate. I know you are a prayerful woman. But sometimes, God wants to talk too and I believe He does that through meditation. Be still and know that He is God.

As for Mark's drug use being cos of you, we all know where that is coming from. An adult's behaviour is His responsibility. Don't even consider the guilt trip.

I am praying with you.
(((((((Jill)))))))

November 13, 2005
10:25 pm
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I guess it takes as long as it takes, huh? I got tired of obsessing. Today's message at church was about confession and accountability. It almost sounded like it was directed to Mark and I, although of course it was not. Mark confessed his sin of using heroin and lying about it. That was a very hard thing for me to hear. It was easy at first to say the message was about him. He should have confessed differently, maybe to somebody else and not me, and now he needs to be accountable to someone. But God is funny sometimes. We had a time of quiet prayer at the end of the service, and I ended up praying for a long time after the service ended. God was speaking to me about MY sin that needed to be confessed. HUH? What's MY sin, Lord? Unforgiveness. Yup, my unwillingness to forgive Mark was driving me crazy. It was the source of my obsessing, and it was driving a wedge between God and myself. I needed to forgive him for my sake. So today, with God's mercy and grace, I was able to go to Mark and tell him I forgive him. I still don't know what the future holds, but I know whose hands it's in.

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