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10:34 am
September 30, 2010
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Well, I've been stuck for some time now in my anger, resentment. While the marriage counseling went well, it made me seem to focus on Mark's being disrespectful to me. He couldn't put together 2 hours of being kind and considerate. It was absolutely maddening.
But something happened to me on Sunday. I went to church. I'd missed several weeks, and the week I went, my head was NOT in a good place and I refused to sing with the worship band (which is something I normally LIVE to do). This week I sang, and while I was singing I felt that connection to God in my spirit.
I realized I was missing that, and knew I wanted it more than anything else in the world. Again, God spoke to me about forgiveness. I don't know how to do it. But I read somewhere yesterday about just telling God I'm willing to forgive, and let Him take care of it. So that's what I did. Today I spent my morning commute praying, which was a good thing.
11:10 am
September 24, 2010
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jas -
I feel that connection when I am in church and my coda meetings - I can't tell you exactly, but it feels like i got chills and my heart feels like it's going to burst - I often feel like weeping.
Anyway - they say that when you get together in "his" name, he will be there. and I think that's why I feel him more there. I have to learn how to "feel" him more on my own - cuz I often feel lost when I am alone and reasonably can't spend my time in church or meetings all the time.
I too had a difficult time in joint counseling - only until I stopped was I able to pry myself away from the "blame game". even though my therapist made me see that I had my own part in this mess - that only made me dig my heeels in to blame him more.
I am glad you are feeling better and back to praying...that will help alot.
9:26 am
September 30, 2010
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Revelation: While I chose to forgive Mark for using drugs, I have never fully chosen to forgive him for all the other crap -- being disrespectful, the abuse, the emotional absenteeism, the anger, the yelling at me, the yelling at the kids, the lies, the money spent on drugs, etc. No wonder I am still stuck in unforgiveness. God is moving in my life. I feel Him again.
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