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Dear You
May 27, 2009
3:42 pm
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gettingold
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Dear You.

I wonder if you hear your harsh words. If you know the damage that you cause. The hurt that you bring.
Do you hear me crying all alone, desperate for a freind, not knowing how to attain it.
Havent I always been alone?
They say, what do you see when you picture your life?
I see me, me standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into nothing, looking into no ones eyes.
Wow! What a scary thought. How? How do I keep going on? day after day, not letting anyone in.
I just want to sleep

May 27, 2009
4:17 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Dear You,

You are not alone. Replace the harsh words with words of encouragement. Cry if you must but tell yourself it is a cleansing cry. Be alone in your aloneness. I know that I have addressed this either in the Yikes I am Single thread or the Positive/Negative thoughts thread, but we are all born alone and we die alone. We are alone in our aloneness. The key is to embrace it. I will find it and post it here for you.

Love,
Bitsy

Bitsy

May 27, 2009
4:21 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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From Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics:
April 21,

I EXPERIENCE SOLITUDE WITH CALMNESS AND PEACE.

I have no fear of being alone today. I greet solitude as I'd greet an old friend, with warmth and a smile. In solitude I have a respite, a time for calmness adn peace, a time for communing deeply with my (that which cannot be named on this side).

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I was afraid of being alone. I dreaded isolation and abandonment. There have been times, as an adult, when I continued in bad realtionships rather than be left with loneliness and isolation.

Today, I can be alone but not lonely. I do not shun others; I find time for others - many others in my life, who care for me and support me in my recovery. I nned time to myself, when I can be serene, comtemplative and available to wisdom.

Today I give myself time to be alone, and I am calm and relaxed in my quiet solitude.

Bitsy

May 28, 2009
11:52 am
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gettingold
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I looked at all the people on Labor day. I Took a long walk down the street. Trying to forget that I needed a ciggerette. Eight days now without one, after 21 years that is pretty good.
I saw all the bbq's, heard all the laughter. People all together in one place, old friends, and family.
Me just walking by. Wondering why I was all alone every holiday. Wishing I could be that person everyone loved to see.
People I work with dont even know how lonely I am. I go to work and come home.Go to work Come home, day after day.
People say im pretty,and they bet all the men want to knock down my door. I look in the mirror and all I see is nothing.
Stupid men with huge egos all I seem to attract.
Why can't I have a platonic girlfriend? Why can't I trust anyone. I dont let anyone in.
If you were to look at me you would never know.
On the outside I am just a normal looking person as far as humans go. Stupid blonde hair, normal body I guess. On the inside I am a wretch! I should be 1000 lbs laying in my bed never seeing the world, like this guy I saw on tv.I should be Laying around all day long stuffing my face to kill the pain! If I were 1000 lbs maybe someone would notice my pain, say "how can I help?"
But no one asks, no one cares. To busy with there own lives. Who am I to them? Just that funny blonde girl who has four kids and no man. I dont let them in my world, why should they want in?
What do I have to offer.
Sure sound like a pity party dont I? I hate listening to myself talk this way.
Oh well. No one probably listening anyways.

May 28, 2009
2:10 pm
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Gettin' Gold I am listening and I do care. Believe me when I say it can get better. I have been you.

Bitsy

May 28, 2009
2:35 pm
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caraway
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gettingold,

Probably won't help to hear that many here feel the same way at times. Is this a feeling you get when you are between relationships? How long has it been since you dated someone on a regular basis?

For me, I used to feel as you describe when I wasn't "in love" and then it would all get better when I was in that crush phase with someone new. The problem was I just continued to put all of my energy into someone else and then I would be right back where I started when it ended; I usually ended it because the new wore off and I had to face the same old me in the mirror.

If you are alone on holidays it's probably because you want to be on some level. You have to have enough energy and enthusiasm for life to plan things and invite folks over. It sounds like you have withdrawn and are probably sending a negative message to those around you?

Force yourself out of the routine, dress up, laugh out loud, and make plans for each night of the week; even if your plan is to cook dinner for your kids and watch a favorite program on tv.

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely right now, but you do have friends here.

cary

May 29, 2009
3:25 pm
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gettingold
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It has been this way my whole life. I do concentrate on just one person, then when they are gone I am left crippled and alone. When I have someone I don't have to look at myself and my downfalls. When they go, I am all that is left. I have no friends, my family lives far away. I know how to put on a good show for people around me. I try not to show just how messed up I am on the inside. But in doing this, I isolate myself. When my kids are gone I spend all weekend laying around in bed or on the couch, trying to sleep my weekends away fast. At least when I am at work I am needed, and there are people around to distract my thoughts.
I have never been able to hold a connection with someone for very long. I dont let anyone love me, is what I have been told before. It is so true. I dont make plans, if someone asks me to do somthing, I make up a fictional friend that I have plans with already. The thought of letting someone in terrifies me. If I dont even like me, why should they. Why should I let anyone in when my life is such a dump.
I am sick of living my life scared. Not trusting anyone. I dont even trust my own sister, and she is really the only friend I have.
3 doctors have tested me and heard my life story and wrote in a report, that I will never trust anyone again, as long as I live. OMG what kind of life is that? How do I live this way. With no one to trust, I have to keep everything on the inside. All my fears, all my pain. I just dont know how much longer I can stay sain.

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