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Dating advice (guest_g)
December 4, 2008
6:23 pm
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I dont know at all Shaney if she enjoys my company or not. I feel I might have messed it up by appearing too eager to come to her house and fix soemthing in her kitchen. She hasnt replied to my email or phone in two days.

The last time I talked to her was Monday evening and she said yea, call me and come over, I'm at home on most evenings. So.. I dont know whatsup.

You're 100% right now, I must stay as friends unless I get any indication from her for more.

I might check out if there's any movies going around, yea. I thought of movies for this weekend and ask her, but that movie "Twilight" wasnt showing up. I'll check again. I heard its good.

well ah, I wish I wasnt panicked like this. I really gota remember your words and just relax and be friends, or try to be. As I am, its hard for me to stop being afraid and over-anxious. I wish I wasnt

December 4, 2008
6:59 pm
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Shaney
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In my opinion, it doesn't sound like offering to come over to fix something in her kitchen sounds anxious at all. If I had to take a guess, she could just be busy right now. Women don't just say "call and then come over" if they don't want you to. Most would think of any reason possible to steer you away from their house, if they didn't like you. Give yourself AND the situation, the benefit of the doubt until you find out otherwise.

I hate that anxious feeling of over-thinking a situation. Just try not to anticipate doom before even knowing the facts. Go with what you know now: she spends time with you and you have a good time. Bank on that, continue to have fun with her, and see where it goes. That's all any of us can really do, guest.

Twilight sounds like a good idea. It's a popular movie, so you can just let her know that you've been wanting to see it, and ask her if she'd like to come. I think there's a good chance she'll say yes. You can even offer to fix that thing in her kitchen beforehand, then you can catch the early movie? Like friends, you know? Until you sense otherwise.

Things are going well as of now - there's nothing to be anxious about.

December 4, 2008
8:37 pm
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Thanks, thats exactly how I should be behaving. I should just chill out.

well - she just called and said she'd been busy. I said a few things but I didnt get any "leads" on anything i.e., she didnt tell me anything about what she'd like to do next. She seemed tense and tired and wearing - of me or genreally, that I dont know. I asked her about Christmas and she'll spend it with her family.

So atleast she called. I dont know what to do next, I think I'm going to do nothing for now i.e. Unless I cook something at home then I'll invite her, I know thats the next thing that she'd like to do, cause she asked me about it the last time when I told her I was gonna invite her.

Phewww, nerve wrecking. And she said she'd let me know if she wanted help on her kitchen which is fine. I bet I bugged her a lott with that so thats enough. I dont even know if her parents liked me or not.

Oh well. So I think its a little settled for now. Atleast I know I wont do anything for now.

Shaney, I tried to relax and listen more on the phone this time. I think I was boring. Its one of those things I feel I just cant do.

December 5, 2008
1:25 am
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Shaney
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She called YOU... good sign. We all get busy, tired and have off days. I'm sure that's her problem.

You're not boring... at all. You're funnier than hell, and women love funny men. Being yourself is more than good enough in this situation. I swear.

If she acted interested in you cooking for her - there's your next move. After her busy week winds down a bit, call her and ask what day is good for her - that you you'd like to show off your cooking skills and you need someone to torture :o). What does she like? Has she been to your place before? I have a million questions, sorry.

December 5, 2008
1:27 am
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Shaney
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BTW, did I mention that you're not boring?

You're not.

December 5, 2008
8:10 am
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Thanks, I wish I believed in that!

That is good, I'm going invite her for food then definitely. thanks!

Nope, she hasnt been here before! You thikn its still a good idea? Heh. What does she like.. thats a good question which I dont know. I'm scared of calling her again for anything unless its not an invite for the food.

She she asked me last time if I had cooked on the weekend or not, I said yes, but I didnt know if she'd like it. I told her I'll cook again and invite her then.

So.. I guess I should ask her what she likes first? It just sucks that I dont know what to do. I'm gonna wait till Christmas then, she said she'll be busy grading papers (she's a teacher) and she's been trying to catch up.

December 5, 2008
8:54 am
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Shaney
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The plan:

In a few days (let her catch up), call her and ask her when her Xmas break starts. Think of a few things that you are good at cooking. If it were me, I'd like to hear a few choices - something that you've put some thought into. I don't always like being the one to make the decisions, you know? It's nice to not have to "think" sometimes. You could say, .."as an early Xmas present I want to cook something for you - here's what I was thinking." Then rattle off your choices. Ask her what day would be good for her, then plan it. Really casual, no pressure.

She IS the one, after all, who showed interest in coming to your place and having you cook for her, right? I think you'd be perfectly justified in taking that idea, and extending the invite to her. If she accepts... then we have some real plans to make :o) The work begins!

Don't stress out. I'm thinking this will all be fine. This could just be a friendship, or maybe even more - but the important thing to remember is that even if this doesn't turn into something romantic, you seem to have a friend that you enjoy being with, and who enjoys being with you too. If you take the drama out of it, and the worry - this seems like the start of a really positive friendship. So just treat it as such, for now :o)

December 5, 2008
10:50 am
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I miss out on the details, oops, sorry!

It was me actually, I told her I might cook on the weekend and that I'll invite her. I did cook but I thought it wasnt the best thing so I got confused and didnt invite her. I thought I'll make some more elaborate arrangements next time in case she doesnt like it. Then later she asked me if I had cooked. I said no, sorry, I thought it might not be that good and I was afraid you wouldnt like it. I told her I'll cook again and let her know.

So I guess thats my bad, right - I didnt keep my word of the first invitation and maybe she was expecting to come over and she didnt like that I didnt call her over.

Thats a good idea of an early christmas present! I could call her maybe a week from now and ask her how she's doing and then tell her about this and if she'd like to come over.

I'm actually not also that good at cooking, its just one or two dishes that I can do.

This is sad, I'm clueless in this stuff and I need your advice on these basics, damnnnn.

Anyway, thats what I should do. I just treat this as a friendship like you say. I keep slipping into the "Omg, what now? How do I make this work" state of mind, which really - is not fruitful.

I've always been like this: I cant help let go of the "What do I do to make her like me" frame of mind. This is wrong, right? I just cant let go trying constantly to think about what I should do to achieve the objective. This is so wrong, I know it.

December 5, 2008
11:05 am
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I think the only real objective is to have fun getting to know a nice person, who doesn't need a label at this point (friend or girlfriend). There's really nothing to figure out, other than taking just one more small step towards getting to know this friend better. Try to leave the heavy expectations behind, and just move forward, one step at a time.

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work and they read off a list of the top nine things that women like in a man. The very first and most important, was humor. And you've got that one down. Be yourself - it's been working so far!

I think your plan to call her in a week is a good one. She should be caught up by then. So what are the couple of things that you can cook?

December 5, 2008
11:53 am
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Hi Guest:

One thing I think is a huge turn on, at least for me, is a guy that does what he says he's going to. Follow thru is a must, especially in the beginning. It shows stability, reliability, etc. So, I think if you do that you're showing that you want to be taken seriously.

Also, it comes down to some basics, treating people as you would want to be treated. I can only speak for myself, but the early stages of dating can be terrifying with all the desires, expectations, wants, what ifs. So you can make that easier on yourself by acting the way you'd want her to act. But since you're the guy, they usually get to set the pace. If you want casual, not too much contact all the time, but when there is contact, be reliable and consistent.

As for dinner,if you're not confident of your culinary skills, there are lots of dishes you could pick up that only require heating up and serving, maybe serve a salad along with it, something like that. I think its more the experince of spending time with someone and getting comfortable than what you actually serve.

sd

December 5, 2008
1:45 pm
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guest,

A man that cooks rates pretty high with women! It is an extra plus!

December 5, 2008
6:52 pm
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I think this is my core problem and it comes from my parents: I have never really cared about any other human being in that I'd want to be there friend or spend time with them as a friend. I just dont have the energy or the interest. Now thats a problem.

Or maybe I'm being overly critical of myself, i dont know.

Shaney

What can I cook? Chicken with some good gravy, and shrimp/rice i.e. rice with shrimp, which turns out ok, but its sometimes bland. I'll ask her what she likes, thats all I can do.

December 5, 2008
6:58 pm
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sdesigns, you got it right, that was bad of me to not call her and tell her I had cooked. I relaxed and I didnt care and the fact that she asked me, shows she was expecting it!

So what do I do now, do I say sorry or I just ignore it. Well, I'm gonna say sorry the next time we talk about food. I'm going to go with home cooking, I'll doa mix of my own stuff and stuff from the store.

OMW, yea, its a plus, but only a plus 🙁 in that - the other main things have to be there. I hope this works out, gosh. Or else well - I'm gonna to eharmony. I've been wanting to try it since a long time. I got an account there but its not active.

She's thirty, so cute and single. I dont know why. How could a nice cutie like her be single?

You know what I gotta do, is clear my head so I can think straight and calmly.

So yea.. tell me SD, what I should do now to fix that messup?

December 6, 2008
10:06 pm
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G_Dude? Do you know how to make spaghetti? It's easy. I have a recipe for garlic cheese bread that will be the piece de resistance. And it's easy. Slap a salad out there, and she will think you rock.

DOn't ignore it. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away, and sometimes the silence gets longer and makes misunderstandings seem worse.

Have you learned how to dance like the Candy Y?

December 6, 2008
10:44 pm
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The first time we ate in the resto, she had pasta. Does your thing have meat in it? (spoken like a man)

yea! no, lol, cant dance like the letter Y :((

Gosh I dont know what to do. I dont know where this is gonna end up. I wish we met this weekend, but i dont know what to do. OH. I just checked, Twlight is on. Should i call her and ask if she wants to see it? She said before she's trying to catch up on grading papers though. I dont want go if she feels she gotta work.

Well.. I could call and find out. damnnn. I dont know, I'm always confused. 🙁

December 6, 2008
10:46 pm
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That movie is too long though, 2 hours. I dont know what to do 🙁 sniff

December 7, 2008
11:06 pm
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Bevdee, what were your dating experiences in the beginning? I wanna know!

December 7, 2008
11:33 pm
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Hi Healing,

Replying to you here about the post you made on the "Debate on the Dalai Lama" thread about the my friend. Thanks so much for your advice, it was interesting. About your kids, what is their relationship status and has your advice worked out for them?

>> Not good at all to say your going to do something then not do it

You're talking about me inviting her to food and then not following throgh with it, rught? Yup, you're totally right. Sdesidns also pointed that out. This was a serious blunder that I made. Gosh.. big oops! I cringe at the thought of it. very sad. Its not the mistake itself I'm most sad about. Its the mindset behind that that led to this failure, which I'm more afraid of. Its the mindset of not communicating and not letting the person know. I hope I dont forget the mistake. Thanks for reminding me infact. Its a chance for me to learn something. This is definitely not something that I can afford to forget and thats just the beginning. I feel I gotta make it up to her now.

>> the one thing I really tried to teach them was that if they feel strong positive feelings towards someone to let that person know, because most likely that person is feeling the same towards them.

You made me smile. Are you saying I should just go and tell her how I'm feeling? I gotta be really careful though. If I dont do it correctly, it might freak her out and then I'll have destroyed my chance. But what do you suggest, you thikn I should tell her then? I gotta think about this for sure.

At risk is the rejection. Maybe she will say she doesnt see herself being with me. I'll be left wondering if it had worked out if I had waited longer to tell her and not freak her out. I really dont know.

Tell me about your children please! lol. sorry but I would like to know more, I mean them and their experiences in relationships.

So gosh yea, I dont know what to do although I like your idea and I feel like it will help me move forward with all this instead of me being stuck. Others though like Shaney have said I should wait and just chill out which makes more sense - I just feel hopeless over that option though. I feel I dont have what it takes. I'm just confused. I wish I had that self-confidence and not worry about all this.

December 8, 2008
12:45 am
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Hey Guest: Don't beat yourself up about the goof. Besides, thats just one of MY preferences, that a man has follow thru and doesn't mean it is as impt to everyone as it is to me.

If your friend is a busy gal, she probably needs to schedule her time and activities, and would probably love to make time for you, you just need to let her know.

And I'll let someone change plans occasionally, sometimes I have to cancel or reschedule too. Such is life and things come up, need to be flexible. But when I see a pattern that they can't EVER make a plan and stick to it, then I know we're not going to be compatible. That starts smelling flaky to me, and I don't do flaky.

I didn't mean it as a criticism, just pointing out how THIS woman (me)thinks.

So, when you're ready, give it another try.

sd

December 8, 2008
7:46 am
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So G_?

Do you want the good ones or the bad ones? I have a few of each.

December 8, 2008
8:32 am
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Guest, (( Hon ))

I will get back to you later on, I have to go to work and get some things done... but I promise I will answer your questions later on today.

Healing and Peace

December 8, 2008
11:04 am
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Guest,

Ok you asked about my own children, well it has always worked out for them when they have found themselves attracted to another, when they let the girl know how they felt. Not all the relationships were long term, but that was all part of growing up, and dating, and the brake ups had nothing to do with them being able to or not able to be open with their feelings.

In most of the relationships they just grew apart mostly because of their ages back then. I recall many funny questions from them and their own stories on how things turned out when they first found themselves attracted to someone. Such as, I can't believe I was so nervous to ask her out, it was so easy! One of the girls told one of my son's when he asked her out on a date, that she was hoping that he would. One question that all my son's asked at one time or another when they first found themselves attracted in a relationship was, "Mom what does it mean when she said this or that, or did this or that".. so many simple little things they would look at as possible signs that the girls were as attracted to them as they were to the girls...The best is when one of the girls told me how sweet and shy my son was when they first met... and how she kept waiting for him to let her know that he was just as attracted to her, or that there was some chemistry between them. She said she almost gave up on thinking that maybe there could be a relationship because she took him not calling her or asking her out right away in the beginning as he wasn't interested, that he wasn't as attracted to her as she was to him. That girl is now engaged to my son. But they're both in medical school so it will be a while before they get married.

It seems to be for whatever reason that females just seem to expect the man to be the first one to say that they are attracted to the other.

So in my opinion only based on what you have posted about this girl. I say go for it, and ask her over for dinner, be open about your feelings towards her, that you enjoy spending time with her, and that your just kind of a shy guy when it comes to women that you find yourself attracted to. Let her know you are nervous about what to make and ask her for a suggestion, have fun with it. Let her know you can't make any promises on how good the meal will be but the night will be enjoyable no matter what just spending some time with her. If she has a sense of humor she will enjoy your directness, and you being honest that your not the best of the cooks.

I don't think it's always the case in this day and age that the women expect the man to be the first one to say how they feel, but no matter what day and age were in, women always have and always will appreciate a man that has good communication skills and them being able to say how they feel. Your not alone so many men feel the same as you are feeling, and they just don't know how to talk about their feelings. Men are kind of wired this way, they are not always the best at communication and women seem to be so open once they feel they can be... Women just express their emotions more so then men, and men sometimes seem to keep them inside.

You have the perfect opportunity to call her up, and say your sorry for canceling the last get together with her. Use it to your advantage now, don't beat yourself up. When you call her to ask her if she would like to come over for dinner the first thing you say is that something has been bothering you, that you felt really bad for canceling on X day.. whenever it was... then say I'd like to make it up to you, and ask her to come over for dinner. Then you can be open, direct, and honest that your not sure what to make and ask her to make the suggestion.

If she rejects this invitation it isn't the end of the world, and it doesn't mean it's the end of the relationship either. You simply then put the ball in her corner and let her know that she can call you anytime, and that you enjoy spending time with her. Also this time of the year many people are in the festive spirit, so have fun and ask her to go to see some lights, or to some Christmas theme party's or events where ever you live. It's cold so you can hold her close to you to keep her warm outdoors... lol..

Really have fun with this, and don't be so nervous.

Based on all you posted, if you ask me she is attracted to you. She invited you for Thanksgiving, then even called you to ask for some help in her house with something. Umm .. don't think too hard on this but that was most likely her way of making up an excuse to have you come over. Without her just coming right out and saying hey I'd like to see you again, why don't you come over. Women are like that... period. My two daughters have played that game, and like my son's I've told them be open about their feelings. Although, they are pretty open about their feelings with men. They have no problem calling them and asking if they would like to go to the movies or out to dinner.

Hope this helps you a little bit at least. My guess is the attraction is mutual.

Healing and peace

December 8, 2008
3:09 pm
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SD, thanks. Yea I'll see how it goes. No, you did a good job telling me that I should have followed through, otherwise, I'd have done the same thing again and that would have been bad. I did this with one friend actually, I'd tell her we'll go to the movies and then I wouldnt call her. But- she did the same so I thought I could do it too hehe. But this girl is more 'reliable'.

Bevdee, I'd love to hear anything from you, tell me a good and a bad one and how they went - your most memorable ones.

December 8, 2008
3:48 pm
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Healing, thanks so much that was really nice. I need to read that again and again. I will read it again later so I remember all of this. Thanks for telling me about your kids, this will definitely help me.

December 8, 2008
4:27 pm
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G_

One of the best dates I had was one with Niceman in Houston. He had been there for the week training some new guys for the company he works for. I drove down to stay a couple of days with him. The first night there, he took me to dinner in Galveston. Before I had got there, he had scoped out a restaurant that had an open dining room that sat like a little pier over the shore. We sat there by candlelight and moonlight eating seafood and feeling and listening to the waves under our feet.

Any time any one cooks for me, I'm impressed. Any time anyone puts a little thought into what I would like, I'm impressed.

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