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Dating advice (guest_g)
December 2, 2008
4:27 pm
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So yea, there's this cutie and we're just friends I have no clue how to know if she likes me or not. I wish I had these skills!

What do I do, give her a quiz and a pencil. Aaa!

I could ask on a relationship forum but you guys are friends. I'm so worried that I wont have the courage and assertiveness to go about this and do whats needed, or I'll get rejected and what not.

I'm afraid of asking awkward questions like "Would you like to go out", cause she'll be like "wtf, we've gone out a number of times now". I've had dinner, seen her parents at their home, went kayaking with her, I've done everything. I just dont know what to do next and I do like her. How do I tell her?

I envy people who can just do it as if its second nature. I wish I had that too.

December 2, 2008
6:50 pm
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Shaney
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Hey guest...

This courting thing is the best part of dating! Too many times we hurry, or rush to the punch line .. when the real fun is in the anticipation of what's to come. My advice would be to just keep hanging out, doing things, getting to know one another, until it's obvious what the feelings are. She invited you to her house already to meet her parents, which is a really positive sign, imo. Don't rush it, just have fun. How long has this been going on? Who knows, she may be the one to put the moves on you.

December 2, 2008
8:43 pm
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on my way
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guest,

It's like this. At some point in your life, you have to make a decision to not allow your past to control you any longer, and to realize what a great catch you are for someone!!! You re intelligent, witty, kind, loving person, and have other great qualities I'm sure. Realize that you do deserve to be happy, and to be in a good relationship. Take a deep breath and love yourself, and don't think about being rejected...just give all of that love that you have inside of you. Believe me...

December 2, 2008
8:55 pm
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bevdee
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G_ Dude!

Here is something that just slays me. Niceman never assumed that I would go out with him, even after a couple of years. He never said, "what we gonna do" He always asked me if I would like to do anything Friday, Saturday, whenever. "Are you free Saturday, would you like to do something?" "would you like to see a movie Saturday?"

Always ask as if it is the first time.

December 2, 2008
9:11 pm
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Bevdee

>> Niceman never assumed that I would go out with him, even after a couple of years.

Thats the bad thing and I know this about myself! I start the assuming from the beginning. No wonder it doesnt work out. People sense the pressure and they run away. Why cant I be like that?

It happened just now. See when that happens, I give up seeing that I always do it. Its as if its my natural response. How am I going to handle years with someone if I take them for granted? Thats no fun for them. Its just sad.

I wish I had that in me to be naturally like that. I dont know why it happens. There's tonnes of factors. And then ontop of all this, I feel she's feeling the pressure and THATS why she's not calling me back and doesnt want to pursue this anymore. It just goes downhill from there.

There really is no solution to this. Its as if thats the way its always going to be. For your Niceman, I bet he was nice like that, all his life and he never had to try. And then there's me, heh.

December 2, 2008
9:16 pm
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Shaney,

Thanks, that relaxed me for a bit when I read it first and I thought what great advice (even though it would be obvious to anyone else heh). I question my own ability if I can ever be fun to be around with for anyone on a long term basis.

How long as it been going, about a month only.

There's tonnes of issues that start bugging me e.g. maybe she'll get disappointed because I'm not acting soon though, or TOO soon (as you say).

I just wish I was able to be natural and not have to worry about it. I will try to follow your advice because yes thats true, if there's one thing that will work out, it is only that attitude which you laid out. Nothing else works.

December 2, 2008
9:19 pm
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hi OMW, thanks for the nice words. The only thing that disables me from everything is that fear, the fear that I learned from my mother. I was afraid of my mom then and now I'm afraid of people. It just never ends.

I'll try to remember what you said and in my good times, I do believe I'm good and stuff but its rare. I just dont know what I am, if I'm attractive to anyone in any way or not. It sucks. I also know there's no way out of this. It just stays like that.

December 2, 2008
9:32 pm
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Well I'm feeling guilty I made you all worry about me.

I'm gonna keep trying (or NOT trying as Shaney says) and see what happens.

She told me I could come today to fix up something in her kitchen and I called her but she didnt pick up the phone. She might be busy and she's forgetful, that I know. Thats all perfect with me. The pessimistic viewpoint is that she doesnt want to pursue me anymore and she's out there with somoene else and I lost her! But I know, sometimes these pessmistic expectations of me are not right at all.

I dont know whats the problem, I just wish i didnt have these problems of _constantly_ being afraid of people's reactions.

You know also what it is. I've lost chances before of going out with girls and getting closer to them when it started out with them showing an initial interest in me. I never had the guts to follow up and more simply, I wouldnt have a clue what to do and naturally they'd fade away. I dont want to lose this girl, yet I dont know if she ever thought of me more than a friend. i dont want to loose her which is why I'm so frantic and panicked.

Its just going to be a roller coaster with me, that I know. That sucks. Why dont they teach us these crucial life skills in school, I wish they did. I know practice makes a person better but then I havent had much practice too and any I've had, I've not done well in it.

But you know what, I'm kinda glad that she didnt pick up the phone because that shows me, she does what she wants to do - which is a good sign. As LONG as she's not hanging out with somoene else who is also a 'possibility' or as long as she still has me as a 'possibility'.

There you go, me fretting about these TINY things. How am I going to get along in the long term, right? heh.

But maybe this is just the beginning when I dont know what she's like so later it should happen.

Its just a crazy whirlwind in my mind. Constant worrying. On the good side, the weather is cold outside. I left her a message saying I might come on the weekend.

Is this fretting normal in 'dating' (or friendship, is what this phase should be called) or not? I mean, do people really worry like this, or I'm definitely going over the normal limit, right?

aaaaah........... this sucks.

December 2, 2008
9:35 pm
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typo:

>> But maybe this is just the beginning when I dont know what she's like so later it *should'nt* happen.

December 2, 2008
10:15 pm
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sdesigns
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Guest:

You're so cute.

I would say the fretting as you call it is normal, especially in the beginning because you don't know whats going to happen, you're nervous, etc. Dating makes you put yourself out there with a person, extend a little more of yourself than you normally would. It takes being comfortable with someone, and it sounds like at least you know this girl a bit. So thats good.

The fact you met her parents is a very good sign.

Does she ever talk about dating experiences, other guys, or what she's looking for, what her goals are as far as her future? Sometimes you can learn lots about a person just by listening. Maybe pay lots of attention to see if she's sending you any vibes. Of course you could do a little friendly flirting and be playful a time or two and see how she reacts.

I think taking it slow with her is the best course of action, and not scare her away if you start to come on strong. Just slowly ease into it.

Good luck.

sd

December 3, 2008
10:38 am
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truthBtold
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Guest,

Awwww, I think that you are being way too hard on yourself.

What you are experiencing is very, VERY normal.

Just be yourself and try to catch yourself whenever possible in something that ALL OF US DO in relationships....and that is to assume - you know?

I think that she is one lucky gal to have you as a friend!

December 3, 2008
12:57 pm
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on my way
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Don't feel guilty about people caring about you, or maybe I should say, yuo didn't make us feel guilty for caring about you.

I am right there with you...I fold at times too out of fear.

December 3, 2008
9:11 pm
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Thanks guys.

Sddesigns, I'm anything but cute. Today was a bad day, its one of those days when I wish my life would just end quickly and quitely and then.... none of this crap would be there. Its not use anyway, I'm going to die anyway.

I'm sad about the girl and about my job, everything.

>> Of course you could do a little friendly flirting and be playful a time or two and see how she reacts.

Cant do it, I have this curse of being afraid and always tense. Ah, it sucks. Thanks for the nice words though. No ,we havent talked much and everytime we do, I interrupt her and make her feel hurried. When I picture two good friends, I can never imagine myself as one of them because I feel I cant be like that and I dont care either. I dont know. I'll try to follow your advice of not hurrying anything, although I'm not hoping for anything now. I'm not going to try, I give up. Maybe that'll be good in itself in that it will help me to not try too hard.

December 3, 2008
9:13 pm
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thanks TbT, I'm not that nice.

OMW, thanks as well.

Gosh today is a bad day, a black sad gloomy dark day. Today's just for survival mode.

December 3, 2008
9:40 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Guest..ya big stud!

Hey, if the girl keeps paying attention to you and accepting your attention--then she likes you.

It's best to assume things are OK until we hear otherwise...otherwise, you could spend a lot of energy worrying about nothing.

Just keep pouring on the attention and charm.

December 4, 2008
12:12 am
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sdesigns
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Well, Guest, since you feel you interrupt and make her feel hurried (thats only your perception, right?), try not to do that and see what happens. Try to relax, take deep breaths and let her talk. The more comfortable she is the more she'll talk, plus I think it shows interest in a person by being a good listener.

About the cute thing? Who says you're not cute? Only you? Now, stop that negative self talk. Look in the mirror and tell that face you see in there that they are cute!! Look 'em straight in the eye and say it.

sd

December 4, 2008
12:17 am
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bevdee
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SD? G_Dude is really hot and bald - I just know it.

December 4, 2008
12:34 am
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sdesigns
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Ha ha, bevdee. Hot and bald does it for me! I KNEW he was cute.

sd

December 4, 2008
12:40 am
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bevdee
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SD- step off!! G_Dude is mine.

December 4, 2008
12:47 am
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sdesigns
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Oh yeah?

Put 'em up, chica!

December 4, 2008
12:49 am
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bevdee
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u so cute - but I would win.

December 4, 2008
12:55 am
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sdesigns
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Haaaaa, bevdee.

He's worth it, though!

December 4, 2008
1:51 am
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bevdee
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Yeah he's worth it and I heard he has these killer dance moves. G_Dude you little hottie!!

December 4, 2008
1:53 pm
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I'm not really balddd, but I'm getting there because my hair is thinning out. Well you guys are teasing meee and I dont know any dance moves too.

Thanks WD, yes thats what I do: I worry about nothing.

SD thanks, yea I gotta relax when I'm talking to her. It sucks when I interrupt and I do it alott.

Well here's how bad my condition is! I woke up in the morning with a "lightbulb" moment and what was it? I could call her and ask her if she got my email about the coffee table she might want to buy. Duh.

Thats how bad I am. All night long, thats all the solution my relationship brain could come up with and it took ALL NIGHT for it to cook up this wonderful great ingenuius sadly obvious solution. Its pretty sad. And anyone else would have called yesterday right away without thinking.

And then to top it off, I started telling myself, no, I shouldnt do that. Sucks a lot. I dont know what I'm gonna do. I'm going to do nothing, which is the safe step. I've been doing nothing since a long time though.

Sometimes I get myself out of this whole mental mess but its fake and it works only for 20 seconds. I might do that. There's really no solution to this. I've been like this since forever. sad.

December 4, 2008
2:03 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there guest -

so when is the last time that you actually had contact with her - as in a phone conversation, or seeing her?

Seeing as how you've met her parents (on a HOLIDAY to boot), and how you've gone places with her, I think it's pretty safe to say that she definitely enjoys your company. Girls absolutely don't spend time with guys that they don't enjoy, period. And they sure as heck don't invite them home for the holidays. My best suggestion would be to keep it pretty casual, as friends, until you get any sort of indication that she would be interested in more. For now, enjoy the fact that she likes spending time with you. Build from there. That's all any of us can do at that point in the relationship. You're still getting to know one another, which should be fun and easy. Is there anything fun going on this weekend, in your area, that you can invite her to? Check around, something may just jump out at you, and then you can ask her to go... in a casual, friendly, super-mega confident way, of course :o). I'm betting that she'd go. My money is on guest.

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