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Cyn, here you go hon.....
December 21, 2006
12:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well, you must forgive me if it doesn't make sense, as the tears are hard for me to see through. I did no spell check or anything else....but I hope you have some time...it isn't short. I love you and I care about you VERY much. I hope you understand that...and I am hoping that this doesn't start anything more. I just needed YOU to know where my heart is with you. I love you.

Oh my Sweet, Sweet sister Cyn….

“Mich~ I haven't abandoned you or the Sisters. I've been busy, just as you said. I know I haven't been around, but I've been so swamped I haven't commented like I used to or given advice, or just been a pain in the ass to you. Besides, I know you miss being able to fuss at me. 🙂 “

**You were the one who took my crap. I could be mad, and say whatever I wanted, and you took it. Doesn’t mean that I was right, but you took it. Here you tell us that you have NOT abandoned us…I didn’t argue that. But here, you knew I was feeling that way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You both know that we are all still here. We are all still reading and occasionally commenting. If we don't comment, don't assume the negative, whatever that may be. Assume that we're busy, tired, whatever, but that it has NOTHING to do with you.”

**My issue is that I do assume the worst…Does that make this your problem? NOPE. But at least you know where my heart is. I ALWAYS see the glass half empty….I don’t remember the last time I saw it half full.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“We still love you both and support you. That will always be there. When you need a kick in the butt I'll chime in. If you need something else LL and Need will be there. We aren't gone. We aren't distancing ourselves from you because of the wee bit of upset that happened. We are taking care of ourselves, our families, our responsibilities. That NEVER means we don't care about and love you. PLEASE remember that.”

** Wee bit of upset….YIKES. If you can look at it as that….cool. I have a whole new set of feelings for it…will go into that later. I can respect you guys taking care of you…but it made me nervous that the idea of popping in to say BOO, was a hard thing to come by.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“cyndra820
13-Dec-06
Mich~ Yes, we're still here. Remember LL's working all those extra shifts so she can have more $$$.
Glad you got all the shopping and wrapping done.
I've been reading a lot. I know you and GG are depressed. It really sucks to have to deal with that and this "perky" holiday season. UGH!!!
I'm glad you are going to see Jim tomorrow too.
I wanted to address both your comments about the sisterhood not being the same as it was.
I am sorry that it hurts you both so much. I don't believe we've rejected you and I am very sorry you feel that way. It's never been my intention for either of you to feel that way, and it hurts me that you do.
I may not pop in every day, but I do try to keep up. It isn't that easy right now and I have a sneaking suspicion it won't ever be easy again.
I still love you both and care about you. I think about GG's healing leg that is causing her so much frustration. Like most people, she wants her independence back. It's taking too long, but I don't think anything ever prepares you to be in that much pain and immobile too.
So, don't think we've completely disappeared. We're still here keeping track of the goings on of the infamous twins.
Love, Cyn”

** In this post I want to make something clear….I don’t expect you to bring me through this alone…I have to want it, and I have to do this myself…I understand that. But, I had hope because of what we had. I had learned to trust, love, and talk again. I felt like that was ripped away from me on less than a moments notice when this all started. You mentioned that it will NEVER be the same again. You’re right, it won’t. We were hurt, we don’t feel as free as we once did, and we never will…but I felt like no matter what you had said, you had completely given up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Cyn,
I NEVER said that I thought that it was intentional or that it didn't hurt either one of you. If it would make it easier for you two I will quit saying anything about it. I am sorry. I love you both. Nor in any not heated moments did I say that I felt rejected. I have said that I miss you and I am sorry that I said it. I won't say it anymore. You guys were all I had. I am sorry that it hurt me so bad to lose what I loved so much.

ScaredinMichigan
13-Dec-06
I really don't care actually if it makes it easier for either one of you or not. I will just quit talking about it. Maybe that way it will quit hurting. And to be truthful, I am not sorry that I am hurt, and I am not sorry that I am sad, and I am not sorry that at this moment I am absolutely angry......the only thing that I am sorry for is that I can't let it go.

** Here was the first time that I admitted that I have apologized for a lot of things that I was NEVER truly sorry for. Now in all of this, there were several things that I WAS sorry for. NO doubt about that. I started to realize though how many things I was apologizing for that I was NEVER truly sorry for. I wasn’t sorry to you that I was hurt, or angry, or sad. So I had a breakthrough. And those feelings were ALL very real to me….VERY. And still are. In a lot of ways. A lot of the other things and people that I apologized to and for, I refuse to get into…cause it doesn’t all need to be started again….There are enough people here already at each others throats…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

cyndra820
14-Dec-06
You know, Mich, you can be a royal pain sometimes! 🙂
I misread something and I'm sorry because the LAST thing I wanted to do is upset either of you.
I don't want you to feel like we're gone or that the sisterhood is gone. It's here. It's always going to be here. It did change, but it didn't end. The afghan is still here and GG please wrap yourself in it and sit on the couch. We're holding each other.
I haven't let go of any of you. You are still a part of my heart and that won't stop. Even if Mich get pissed with me or GG gets annoyed with me, or LL feels like giving me a kick in the butt. I'm not going anywhere because sometimes those things happen with friends.
So, Mich, continue to say whatever you want. I misread it. It had nothing to do with what you said. Even if it had, why shouldn't you say what you feel? You are entitled to say and feel what you want. Remember that. I don't want you to hold anything inside. Got it, chickie?!!
Mich, you will stop being angry when you are ready. Don't apologize for anything you are feeling. I don't want you to. Okay?

** This is where our feelings differed A LOT. I felt like it was over…and had no reason to believe otherwise. We pop in and out of here and say hi, daily…Cool. It is so not anywhere near what it once was. That hurts me, and it makes me VERY sad. I don’t know how to explain any more of my feelings on this post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cyndra820
18-Dec-06
Okay, okay, HI!!! Is that better, Tender Loving Mich? I keep hearing Elvis singing "Love Me Tender"!!
The name thing is totally up to you Mich. If the SC allows you to do it, and you want to, go for it.
Hi Everyone!!!! How y'all are? Is all the Christmas shopping done? Mine is so much easier this year than last!!! No FIB to buy for!!!
This cold thingy is driving me crazy!!! I am not good at being sick. I am good at PRETENDING to be sick, but not actually BEING sick!!
I hope you are all doing well. GG, I do have my assignment for the holiday break!!!
Love you all!!
Cyndra

** This is NOT what I wanted. I do not want you to post to me if it is not your heart. PERIOD. I don’t want to question whether you are posting to me because you feel like you have to or because you want to. If you don’t want to, TELL ME THAT. If it is too hard for you, tell me that. I am big enough to know that just because this is what I want, doesn’t mean that it is what you want. Or what you are comfortable with.

OK, well, there you have it…Probably a LOT more info than you thought that I would go into…here is the good thing…I am NOT done yet.

You don’t typically remind me of my mom, in the bad ways. It isn’t like that is what I think of every time I see your name…or that I cringe at the thought of you. I love you. But, where I struggled was just as I told you…you couldn’t post to us, yet you continuously posted there. I was hurt. I am human, and I have feelings., and this is where I thought that they really needed to be shared with you. You can’t know that you have hurt me if I don’t gain the balls somewhere to tell you. And I need to learn to be honest when someone has hurt me. I have spent two months (or had, I guess) pouring out my every emotion on this website. In that, I started seeing Jim. I started reading, and it has been GREAT. But, again, I trusted and I got hurt. But as I told you, the feelings of abandonment came back, I felt flooded by horrible feelings. I felt like I wasn’t worth fighting for. I felt like I had been lied to. If you go back, I continued to fight for a long time for what we have lost. In EVERY way. I fought with other people here, not to mention what I did to you and LL for. I did everything that I could to try to manipulate you both into coming back, into letting it go. Nothing I said made a difference, just like when I was a kid. I was begging to not lose my family, just like when I was a kid. I KNEW that it didn’t do me any good as a kid, but I had hoped that it would here. I begged you guys to stay, I felt safe, I felt comfortable, and I felt loved….all feelings that I have only felt for the last 3 months of my life. I swore after this that I would NEVER do those three things again..I would rather live miserable than to EVER experience the pain that I felt.

I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I AM able to let you go, if that is what you need from me. It isn’t what I want, but for Gods Sake, I don’t want it to be miserable for either one of us. To some degree I feel like I have lost the best thing that EVER happened to me. I struggled with blaming me, and many other feelings….the truth is, we let someone else steal what we had grown to love. We LET it happen, and I feel like what we had didn’t matter to you all like it did to me. We didn’t have to let it fall apart based on what other people felt, but we did. We cared more about what they thought, or felt than we cared about us AGAIN….just like we have been doing our whole lives.

I don’t know, I don’t know if this made any more sense than what I said before…I just felt like I had to lay it ALL out there. Do with it what you will. Just know that I love you with EVERYTHING that I have in me. You will always be in my heart, regardless of what ever happens here on this site. Thank you for touching my life, and being my friend. Thanks for helping me to love and trust again…., I am sorry that what we had, we felt like we had to let go of. It is a shame.

I love you Tonya…with all of my heart. I hope that you NEVER forget that.

Love Always, (your sister in heart)

Mich

December 21, 2006
1:36 pm
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cyndra820
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Mandy,

First, I am so grateful that you let it all out. I know that wasn’t easy. I am proud of you for saying everything you felt. I know that you love me and I HOPE you know I love you too. You are my sister, Mandy. You will always be my sister.

I’m sorry that you felt that some of my posts were done for the sake of keeping peace. I don’t do that anymore. I should have said more to you because of how you were feeling, but I honestly didn’t know what to say. You’ve had so much going on lately and I’ve not known how to support you.

As for the sisterhood, it has changed and we did let people change our way of thinking about it. I am so sensitive about it that when I was reading another thread and they said something about picking their sisters I almost took it as a dig at us. I had to realize it wasn’t. It was just what that particular person felt about her sisters. Nothing wrong with that.

I miss talking to you so much. I worry about you and GG. I pay attention about when you have your appointments with Jim and how the kids are. I just didn’t post here and I see what you mean. It hurt you because you felt that I had just thrown up my hands and said I’m done. It’s not that. I don’t know what it is. I felt safe there. I don’t know. It had nothing to do with our core, but I was getting so emotional about what other people were saying and aggravated because no one seemed to be listening. The small break I took was needed to gain perspective about what happened and the concerns.

Mich, I didn’t have the energy in me to fight, to be honest. I was just worn out on so many levels. I didn’t have it in me. I’m sorry.

However, I have a lot of fight in me now. Okay, not really, but if you insist…just teasing!! Mandy, I don’t post to you if I don’t feel like it. I can’t make it any clearer than that. If I am not up to discussing something just yet, I’ll let you. Please believe that.

So the next time I write something that seems like I’m just doing it to keep the peace, say so. I think that’s something you should know you can do with me. There isn’t too much I dish out that I can’t take.

Love,
Cyndra

PS. Wow, you remembered my name!!!

December 21, 2006
2:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Of course I remembered your name...you are my sister for the love of God.

Some day Cyn, I will tell you all of whta this has done to me. Right now, I feel like I have to be somewhat careful of what I say. Someday I will tell you all where this put me emotionally...what I really wish is...so far fetched...ughhh. It would scare the hell out of you to know what this all did to me I think. Oh well...I am working on it.

I am thinking about starting the online coda meetings...have you ever tried those? I don't have face to face ones around here for about an hour and a half....

I know that you care Cyn. It was said to me yesterday or the day before when I was thinking about this and talking to a wiser sole than I am that maybe it was too painful for you to go back there. Maybe it was too hard..I tried to tell myself that. But, no matter, I still had to tell you. I believe you care...I hope that you know that.

Anyways, I am going to go. I will NOT continue to antagonize you with this convo. Just know that I love you, and it does make me feel better to have it out in the open. Thanks for taking it well, and thanks for reading it,and thanks for listening to me.

I love you.

Mich

December 21, 2006
2:12 pm
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cyndra820
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You are not antagonizing me!! I will clobber whoever said that over the head!! Okay?

I have always said that if you need to let it out do so. It's better than internalizing it.

There wasn't a single word that made me feel antagonized, so stop thinking that.

I love you too.

Cyndra

December 21, 2006
4:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ok, I will quit saying stuff like that...I just want you to know that I think that you are great, and I appreciate you. I more or less wanted you to know that I miss you and part of why I was hurt. I am glad that you took it as well as you did, and I am glad to know that I didn't completely offend you.

I respect you taking the time off of here that you needed. I could have respected you leaving it all together, I just needed some closure. Please note that I did NOT say that I would have liked it...! I myself have really tried to back away a LOT. It is hard to let go of what I held so dear to my heart though. Hence the fact, that i am still holding on to my mother. At least I see why I was holding on to you guys.

In some aspects I truly felt like the sisterhood caused me to grow...in some, I felt like it caused me to fall farther back when it all got ripped apart. I don't know Cyn, I guess it is so tough for em to understand...that i just cannot explain it. I can, but out of fear, I will not.

I know in my heart Cyn, that you don't always know how to help me...you don't have to. I have some major issues...MAJOR ones. What scares me there, is you have no idea which ones I haven't shared. Oh, Cyn....just knowing that you are there and that you care is most important to me. I hope you know that. Don't feel like you always have to be able to verbally help me...you don't. There are some things that I don't think that there is enough help for.

I appreciate your prayers as I go to Jims. He is worried that I am going to stop coming now. We will see. I started to feel like there was no hope again. God that drives me nuts. I feel sometimes like I have been on a one way train headed down.

Just know that I love you.

Mandy

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