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Crying Vessel seeking purpose...(transferred from Support side at C.V.'s req
September 15, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
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I am saddened for the ordeal that you went through, at least you
got to go throught it WITH your partner, I am just on the sideline,
trying to accept him for who he is hoping running throught he would
catch a glimpse of me and choose. This way I can face to face tell
him what I won't stand for and still could be his friend through
whatever he decides, I just wouldn't want to befriend him because
he isn't into me like I want him yet, but guide him into what he
thinks he wants. This way a friendship can last, and if he ever
gets hurt I will be here for him. I do have school to finish and
become more than what I am. If we can have the understanding about
it, I am all good with just being able to know how his day is and
find out what he likes... to me that's the beauty of a frienship.
Being ignored isn't. I just realized that I am not just head over
hill for him, but I am stronger now to know where to cease
persistence. I think.... 🙂

September 15, 2010
12:00 am
It No Longer Matters
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Crying Vessel, go back and read what I wrote. The man almost
destroyed me. I was a weeping mound of nothing sobbing on my bed.
Don't settle for less than you deserve. Honey you are worth so much
more. You are allowing yourself to be this man's OPTION. You will
settle for friendship? Just so you can be around him. How are you
going to feel when he introduces you to the latest woman in his

Bitsy throws up
hands and walks out of the room....


September 15, 2010
12:00 am
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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You can't be
"friends" with a guy who has laid you and moved on. End of story.
There is NO friendship possible here. He's done.

- Ma

September 15, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No I
don't believe he is done.... I won't belive it.. And I know you
sobbed as I have... it probably felt like death.... I say I can be
his friend because I understand that I was probaly just a lay..
Friend with benefits...but I don't understand the ignoring... if he
introduces me to his latest, I would bid them well. I have learned
my lesson and rather admit I am single bound and would remain that
way. A great fear is meeting the right one and push him away with

September 16, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
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someone here?

September 16, 2010
12:00 am
st regis falls, ny
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

CV -
I just got here, and didn't read all, but a telltale problem here
is that you CHOOSE not to believe it....you just wrote that in the
second to last post.

As long as you
choose not to believe it, you are choosing to stay in a fight you
aren't going to win.

As long as you
choose not to believe it, you are setting yourself up for
additional pain that he will NOT be responsible for - YOU WILL -
because you chose not to see something that you KNOW is

You admit that
it's there - just that you won't believe it.

He doesn't want to
introduce you to his new flame cuz A) he may be doing the same to
you and fears you will "out" his intentions....or B) he really had
no feelings for you and really wants to be done and forget about
you....or C) he really cares about the new chick and wants a chance
for it to grow.

Thing is - he HAS
used you and thrown you aside - Period. There is no other way to
see it.

If you choose to
romanticize it, rationalize it, fantasize about it - that's your
fantasy - but as long as you live in YOUR fantasy - you are bound
to be hurt.

The people here
have walked thru the same battles - time and time again....and we
know what you are in for.

Being codependent,
we all want to help you NOT go thru it, like we did and like the
people before didnt' want US to.

But at some point,
people are just going to stop responding - because you will justify
your actions to the bitter end. And we may just have to let you go
thru the experience and figure it all out.

It isn't
abandoning you, but it is saving ourselves from behaving
codependently on OUR end. We will always be here, but often, we run
out of advice and things to say cuz it's already been said and
there is no other answers.

September 16, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
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September 17, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

all of the lost sleep, I must have dreamt the call. My phone bank
is empty.... I just want to say that I am sorry if I put any strain
on you guys. With all of guidance I seemed to not want to accept;
please forgive me. Everywhere I go, I've never seen so much of him
that reminds me of him. I don't expect to get anymore responses
because I believe I came off as a disobedient child. It is just so
difficult to except the truth of the matter when the heart has
wishfull thinking. Just to the brink of wanting to die, I should
have just let go of the doors in that dream, I shouldn't have been
scared, because I don't know what would have happened, the wind
would have probaly taken me to him. I have been a burden, please
forgive me. God Bless you all.

September 17, 2010
12:00 am
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Crying Vessel,

I've been so busy
the last day or so, I have been trying to catch up to your

I want to first
get back to the first reasons you even posted. You were looking for
a Christian site. You are trying to find your purpose.

Then, it seems
that you have spent much of your energy and thoughts about this

I would say this:
whatever trials, hurts, and turmoil you are going thru, do what you
know you must do. Give it over to God. First of all, He is in
control. He always was, and always will be. We are not to be the
ones to dictate what happens to us.

You know that He
has a plan for you. You have not been focused on what the plan is,
because you have given yourself over to this man, and not to

Rather than asking
us to forgive you, you must first forgive yourself, and then seek
help and guidance from God. He forgives you. But you must also stay
on your path.

Stop focusing so
much on this man. Put the focus back on yourself. This is the only
way you will ever find your purpose. If this is what you genuinely
seek, then there is only one way. The way is to keep going forward
on your path, and do not allow a man, any man to distract you from

I am not saying
that you will have to remain single, I am not saying this at all.
But what I have learned is this: God will not bring people, whether
it is a man, or a friend, or a significant person into your life
until He feels that the time is right and you are ready.

You have much to
work on within yourself. You appear to need more strength within
yourself so that another person's opinion of you will not matter
more to you than the opinion you should have for yourself. Once you
have gained this strength, the right person will come into your

If you do not work
on these things, you will continue these same patterns and
behaviors in every relationship. You say you are always being left.
If you treat every man like he is your drug, letting him take over
every thought, and then not giving him the space to breathe, this
will keep happening again and again with each man you meet--until
you take back your own power.

You cannot go from
having sex with a man, and then trying to build a relationship from
that if there was no foundation to begin with. It does not work
this way, not in a man's mind. You think you can be "friends with
benefits" with a man? This will only work if you know that you will
only have sex with him, and then there will be no emotional
attachment, no love, no expectations for having a relationship.
just sex.

You are not going
to be able to do this with him, because you already believe that
you love him.

Before my
boyfriend and I ever became intimate with each other, we had quite
a few very long talks about what that meant for both of us. We both
knew that we both did not agree with casual sex. We had to be in a
relationship that is committed, exclusive, and monogamous. We
talked it over again and again. We were also friends first for
quite a while. There were no misunderstandings or assumptions,
because he and I made sure that we were very clear about what we
wanted before we ever had sex.

We have both been
cheated on when we were married to other people, and we were hurt
very badly before in other relationships. We talked thru a lot of
things, to build that trust with each other. It does not happen in
the blink of an eye, it takes time.

We still talk
about things all the time, to make sure that we are both ok with
how our relationship is going.

So, even tho' we
are separated by 2,000+ miles, we are faithful and we have that
trust with each other because we talk to each other just about
every day. if a man wants to connect with you, he will find a way.
Nothing will keep him from you.

This is what we
have been trying to say: if a man is totally into you, he will make
any effort to be close to you.

You know how they
say that people come into your life for a reason? I believe that
people come into our lives to teach us something. God has them
cross your path so that you can learn something, a lesson that
cannot be learned fully unless you experience it for

Just as you chose
not to listen to the suggestions, advice, and comments here. You
are not being disobedient to us. You are being disobedient to
yourself. You are not allowing others to teach you. These lessons,
we have already learned. You stated from the beginning, you are in
need of help severely. But when we give it, you don't want to
accept it. It is your stubbornness that is going to hold you

Remember what
God's word talks about regarding pride? What does it do? Have you
witnessed what a prideful person's life is really like? Too much
pride will keep you from being blessed in the ways that you should

As for me, I am
humble and gracious. When a person helps me, I always remember it.
If I am not able to directly re-pay the person for their kindness,
I re-pay it by trying to help another person.

I'm not ever so
prideful that I can't admit that I am wrong. I know that I don't
know everything. But my mind is open, and I am always willing to
hear what someone has to say, and will often consider

I am not saying
these things to make you feel bad. I am merely bringing the focus
back to what you originally asked for, which was for help to find
your purpose.

Your purpose is
not in this man. This man is not an idol, that you should be
falling all over his feet.

What I do not
understand is why you would feel like you are on the brink of
wanting to die? Because this man rejected you? As I asked you
before, what makes him more important than you?

Most of all, what
makes him more important to you than God? Why are you putting him
ahead of God? Why are you worshipping him, when, as a Christian,
you would be worshipping God instead?

As I said, I am
not saying these things to make you feel bad. I am not trying to
shame you or make you feel guilty. I am reminding you of why you
are here, based on what you said you wanted.

I wish peace for

September 17, 2010
12:00 am
It No Longer Matters
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Crying Vessel you aren't a burden on any of us. Most of us have
been down your path and someone was patient with us.

When you posted
that he called I did not respond because I figured you would get
all caught up in the "high" he would provide and it would be a few
days before you crashed again into despair. It just happened sooner
than I thought.

I am not good at
expressing myself like others here, but please, please put yourself
and your needs first. I met R when I was 35. I am 42 and just
putting my life back together. Please don't waste 7!!!! Years!!!!
of your life. I can't look back on any of those years with him with
any fondness. It all is hurt that I am finally getting over on my
forgiveness and a fresh start thread.


September 17, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why I
feel like I want to die, is because it is so hard for me to face
people, when after being with him, I feel he has told everyone. I
feel ashamed, rejected and hurt. I really thought he liked me. He
was so different from any that I experienced. I don't feel
important at all. When I die people are still going to move on, so
as messed up as I am now, why not just be gone now. My purpose here
is.... I don't know. I have failed and just feel like a wanderer
and so lost. What I thought was wrong, caring about someone...
being persistent to show I care. I've thought just being intimate
from time to time was what men don't want, some actually care and
cares about me too. He obviously doesn't. So the more I tried I got
hurt because he didn't allow me in. Someone has to be out there for
me, weather I have material things. Im far from wealth, and again
thought that I can be loved for who I am. I thought what made him
more important than myself was to deny myself and show that I am
satisfied and mateial things aren't what im about... no gold digger
here. Just someone who desires a companion to move into a true
bondful relationship. My thought of worshiping God was to care
about his people, give guidance words of encouragement-- still yet
in anguish how can be of use or purpose to anyone when something is
missing form me; my heart, which was stolen and crushed. Wanting it
back and getting closure from not being what I was thinking has set
my entire being off. So my idea of being important didn't matter, I
would have been fine with him being verbal perhaps telling me " im
sorry if I led you to believe anything other than what you thought"
I should have said up front this is just what it is no commitment
", I wouldn't have been with him. He has drained me and shattered
me? How do I mend.

September 17, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Caught up in the high? I may lack understanding; however, I
assumed it was a call for a hookup and im not that much of a sap
even thought that's all I wanted, was for him to contact me. With
messages that I left, he could have answered atleast one. Then I
would have replied , we need to talk face to face... immediately.
All of the he's not into me, read the books, I rejected it, because
with all the other sayings, there's other fish in the sea, ect. I
never believed in it. I witnessed a friend go through huntings, and
all the crying for someone she wanted for two years... she is
married and they recently moved to Germany, where they said I am
welcome. Save up and its all a new start. If I had the money I
would be gone, to escape what this man did to me, never having to
see him again or face all that I know here, until I became healed.
My point is, love of my opinion is like building something. You
don't stop until you finish. There will be times when you cannot
obtain certain parts to complete it and have to wait the unknown to
receive it. That's how love is, you can't make someone love you
immediatley, but through patience it will come. Piece by piece,
like a puzzle; if it was that easy to figure out, there wouldn't be
divorce, and scandal, ect. Because in completing the puzzle it's
molded it to its final masterpiece for all to see and admire. Ok,
so intimacy with him was heavenly... I want a heaven, there's choas
on earth and then there's that other realm. Going through the fire
may have been just part of what I needed to experience so that I
can get from under the first step of the ladder. I may not know
everthing about him, but I know there is something about him that
is special. If he isn't for me, I can be happy for him and his
friend without a doubt because I love him for him, I just forgot to
still love him even when I wasn't getting what I wanted. I balanced
back and forth twice saying I hate him for what he did to me...
then said no don't say that don't be this way. I strongly detested
what he did, but came to the conclusion does he owe me anything...
anything??? No he doesn't. He owes himself not to be hurt the way I
was....I pray that he isn't out there just messing around with
others hearts. It is dangerous. I almost snapped...I hairlined
fractured, and that's when I realized forgiving him is all that I
can do. Someone else may seek other alternatives which is
frightening to even think. Those are the sayings that people should
be telling other people, not the other fish in the sea stuff.
People ought to be careful and not shake their heads as if they are
to the utmost right. Karma phrases... uh not necessarily true. It
is the negetive thoughts that allows the bad to happen. So I pray
for him that his journey of life is put on the right course so that
he isn't in danger. I pray that he changes his ways to better
someone elses pain. I pray that he is healed by the blood of the
lamb making him whole and clean from his past relationship, so that
he can care for some else who will be his guide and companion for
all time. In conclusion I again thank all of you. I am healed, I
had nightmares, woke up at 1:47 a.m. Finally fell asleep, and when
I awoke, this man was still on my mind, I cried because waking up
having to deal with life is another job, as weak as I am, and a
child of God, I must leave now. Until then, God Bless

September 17, 2010
12:00 am
It No Longer Matters
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Crying Vessel, I am going to tell you what I tell my daughter.
You can agree with it or not.

Every time a woman
has sex with a man she gives away a piece of her heart. If she has
sex with enough men she has not heart left for herself.



September 17, 2010
12:00 am
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Crying Vessel,

I cannot tell you
how to mend, since each person does it in their own way.

I can offer you
some advice on how I was able to mend, maybe you can take from that
to see what is helpful for you.

First, forgive
yourself. This is going to take time. It's not going to happen in a
minute or a day, but it will happen if you work on it.

You made a mistake
with this man. It does not make you a bad person. We all make
mistakes. Mistakes is how we learn. We have to go thru an
experience in life, and the lesson can only be learned by going
thru it. I can talk to you all day long, but until you go thru all
of it yourself, you are not going to fully understand

The next step in
the lesson is not to repeat it. When you keep doing the same thing
over and over again, expecting a different result, that is called

Ask yourself, what
have I learned from this experience? What can I do next time, when
faced with this same situation, so I don't have to go thru all of
this pain and turmoil?

One thing I did
after my divorce, I made a list of all of the qualities I wanted a
man to have, if I were ever going to be in another relationship.
These qualities are things that I value...like honesty,
trustworthiness, sense of humor, compassion, etc. And then, I
listed the things that I did not want a man to have, like being
selfish, abusive, stingy, greedy, etc.

I still have this
list. I still look at it sometimes. My boyfriend meets 99% of the
qualities...both for what I want, and did not want. Not by magic,
and not because I am being blind and wishing for him to have those
qualities, but because I took the time, and the patience to

After my divorce,
I dated men, but not seriously. I took the time to talk to them, to
get to know them, to observe them in their actions, to see how they
react to a stressful situation. There was one guy that I liked a
lot, until I saw a side of him that I did not like. He raised his
voice to his mother and argued with her, when all she did was ask a
question. We're still friends, but not even as close friends as we

They say that you
can tell quite a lot about how a man will treat you by the way he
treats his mother. I will not date a man who has hatred or contempt
for his mother or other significant women in his life. You will
become the target of that hate and contempt at some point. I
learned that too late about my ex. At that time, I was young and
naive and did not know any better.

Most of all, you
don't need to try so hard to prove yourself to any man or anyone.
Be yourself. Yes, someone will come into your life who will love
and accept you for who you are. But to get to that, you have to
love and accept yourself. People will see who you are by your
actions, your values, your confidence. There is no need to put on
this pressure of "I want to show him that I am not a gold-digger,
that I'm not like this or that." Just BE YOU. Just don't be what
you don't want to be, and others will see that.

Your thoughts are
what is driving all of this...these comments about, "oh, when I
die, people are just going to move on." I'm only using this as an
example, I'm not making fun of you or mocking you. I would never do

First of all, it
is your thoughts that become actions. When you put out these
thoughts and project them on to the world, people see all of that.
It makes them generally uncomfortable. People become unsure if you
are just saying these things to get attention, or if you are really
wounded and hurting. Realize also that most people that you meet in
every day life are not professional counselors, they are not able
to help you to build your confidence and to learn to love yourself.
People generally don't like to be around someone who is mopey,
down, sad, and depressed all the time. Someone who talks about
wanting to die, like their life is over before it even gets

It's no fun. It
brings down everyone's mood, and people don't want to be around
that. They want to be happy. And especially for guys, they want to
have fun, keep things light-hearted, and easy. Guys are not
socialized to be all emotional. It's hard for them to handle. They
see it as "work." Guys are not attracted to women who are down all
the time.

Realize also, it
is not anyone's responsibility to make you happy. That is a job
that no one wants to take on. It is just too much work. It takes
too much energy. That is your responsibility. It's no one's job to
"complete you". You complete yourself. No one owes you anything, as
far as love and happiness. Happiness is what you make

When you are not
emotionally healthy, you will not attract emotionally healthy
people into your life. You will draw in those who will take
advantage of you. They will see you as needing something from them.
They will stick around long enough to pacify you, and then when
they feel that they have given you enough, they will move on. They
are not being sincere if they do this.

Once you are
emotionally healthy, you won't want to be around emotionally
unhealthy people.

As for wanting to
give encouragement and giving toward's God's people, you can still
do that, but be sure that you are giving toward the people that are
also able to give. And give just enough, a little bit at a time.
Those who share in that value will give back. There is no need to
give and give and give so that there is nothing left of yourself.
You don't need to be a martyr, sacrificing yourself. Again, like
trying to prove something to someone. For what? To let them see
that you are a doormat? That you will let people treat you any old
way and it is not going to matter to you?

Rather than
thinking that you need to be a purpose to someone else, recognize
that you need to be that for yourself first. Place yourself first.
It is not being selfish, it is being loving to yourself, it is
honoring yourself and respecting yourself. If you don't do that for
yourself first, no one will.

Establish healthy
boundaries. Decide what you will and will not accept. Decide right
now what you will do if someone steps over your boundary. Get that
figured out now, so that when the time comes and it happens, you
won't give in.

Your heart was not
stolen, you gave it away freely. Unfortunately, you gave it to a
man that either was not ready to take it, or he did not want it to
begin with.

Stop looking at it
like "he did this to me!" Look at what you did. Look at the actions
you took. Look at what you allowed him to do. Take responsibility
for your part in it. A failed relationship is not just one person's
fault. It takes two, each with their own part in it. I am not
calling you a failure. I am simply saying, you played a part just
as much as he did and it didn't work. As long as you put all of the
blame on him, you will wallow in your hurt and not heal from

As for closure,
and an apology, an acknowledgement from him? You are more than
likely not get that from him. He has already moved on. He's not
thinking about that. He is not sitting there agonizing over every
thought and detail and word like you are doing right

Closure is
over-rated anyway. Stop placing your expectations on what you think
someone *should* do, what you think that someone owes you. As long
as you keep placing your expectations on others, you will continue
to be disappointed every single time.

We don't always
get justice. My ex-husband owes me tens of thousands of dollars, as
ordered by our divorce decree. He's supposed to pay back tens of
thousands of dollars for outstanding debts. I will never see a
dime. I knew that the day the judge ordered it. I am living my life
regardless. I can't stop my life to wait for that money. I will die
of old age before he lets go of one red cent.

We just need to
know when to cut our losses and go forward, and not look

I'll be gone for a
few days working. When I am on the job, it's 24/7 till the mission
is complete. I'll check back when I can.

September 19, 2010
12:00 am
Crying Vessel
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
October 13, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

China Doll! So I'll here from you tomorrow? Hope your work week
wasn't to hectic, and I pray that what is due for you may come. It
is sad that he doesn't want to help you out financially. God

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