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Coping, Dealing and Living with Constant Chronic Pain
January 19, 2005
2:36 am
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Hi Zin, popped in here after reading the other thread in supports threads. This must be the news you are speaking of. Tell me, where are these tumors that were found? I wish I could heal all of you...if I could I would!! You are awesome women!!
Love and hugs.

The pain I have is trivial compared to this...but I identified with the hip joint pain...and waking up not being able to sleep as a result...this is NOT fun. Have to go for pelvic, but my Dr. thinks it may all be caused by over active thyroid. Test are being made...sure would explain the 25 lbs I have gained in 2 months...skinny me is fat me now.

January 19, 2005
7:54 am
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Zinnie,

I am so sorry for your bad news. God be with you. I know that must be hard to take; or you are so used to it that it's like "ok, sure, whatever". I think the latter was my attitude at my BIG meeting. I don't know, do you just get to that point?
I am sure that each and every day is so precious to you. And to be a grandma of all those new babies; how so very cool. You are in my prayers.

TS,

I found my Dr Phil book and got it out this am. My hubby is finally on my back to learn about carbs. He thinks carbs are what I have to cut. Would like to give him the book literally at times. I knew he is trying to be supportive in his way tho. He bought me these no carb bars. Taste like goo smashed together. I can't eat them. Anyway, today is my day to get serious and I am to learn about carbs before he gets home from work. Whoo hoo, lucky me. (that was sarcastic, sorry).

I have not followed the doc yet. Have spent the last 2 days dealing w/ my son. He's ok now. Thank God.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the BIG meeting. The doc decided NOT to take me off any of my meds. He wants to leave them as they are. 15 prescriptions. What at crock. I so wanted to go off some of them. Maybe next time.

January 19, 2005
2:04 pm
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Zinnie,

How are you doing today? I am sorry to hear about the damn lumps! But are you getting further treatment for that, if you want to share? So Doc's keeping you on all the meds; bet you can look forward to the day when Doc can start dropping some, until then, you have many other things to think about like a DIET?

Uhhhgggg. Same for me...my new girlfriend here wants to explore the South Beach diet. Guess it is sorta trendy right now. Sounds like a favorable choice since being down here close to South Beach. Which, by the way, I have never been there. Heard movie stars and beautiful people go there, so not for me. My beauty is only inside like my friends and friends here. I don't think the South Beach crowd would understand that! Enough of my rambling. Zinnie, wish we could meet and have a cup of warm cocoa while you sit on your recliner and I could play with Lost. He sounds like a special guy (or girl)? I have my cat Schotz, a Himylaen (sp?) and sheds like crazy. Cat balls and fluff everywhere. My Shitz Tsu back home, never shed, so this is a nuisance. And again, enough. Just feeling lonely, I guess. I hope your getting over the strep and all the other nuisances of bugs and viruses are scooting away to leave you feeling better. I am sure your feeling tired with all going on. I miss you around here, but understand you will when you can. We all know you are here in mind and spirit when you are not able to get on the keyboard. You are on my mind, and daily in my prayers to get stronger and back to where you were and even better than before!!!!!!!

So let us know how it goes with the carb lesson! I am going to Barnes and Noble today to get the South Beach Diet book for my friend. One for me if I see it is interesting and reasonable to pursue.

Love with prayers and (((big hugs))),

Sew

Good news! I forgot to share that I was able to talk to my daughter Christmas day and talking to each grandchild!!!! I have called since and she hasn't responded, but I hope in time, we can get where we are. I sent her a family portrait that was from the eighteen hundreds. From that grandmother, who was my grandfather's mother to my grandchildren, I count 6 generations. How many greats grnadmother's is that to my grandchildren? I am not sure. But it was an oval picture with the bellowed (?) or rounded out glass. Hope she can appreciate it, tho' never heard a thank youwhen I called and got my son in law on the phone to make sure it got there safely. But I know she knows I love her, that is what is important, I guess. At least she talked and it was aimiable!!!

January 19, 2005
2:19 pm
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MamaC,

How are you doing? darn if you have to stay on all those darn meds! How is it going with the learning curve about the nutrition and per diabetes? Cutting back on carbs sounds so easy, but it is not! Which diet plan are you following? A diabetic one? You mentioned Dr. Phil. Does he have a diet plan sa well? I know he does a lot about families and self growth. I never get him on TV, as I do not know what channel he is on, etc. Guess I could invest in one TV guide. Sometimes I am just cheap or fugal?

So I missed what happened to your son? It really does take a lot of time reading these threads, so sorry I missed it. Hope he is okay.

You mentioned about your eyes. Is it from the prediabetes that is causing poor eyesight? They have laser treatments if that is the answer. And good lighting really helps. I am sorry that you are at the stage where you have to use a magnifying glass. That in itself is a bother and hard to read with. I am hoping your days are good ones. I remember that a while back you were down in the dumps and hope your spirits are up! Being in that dark place of depression is just too awful, I know. Your posts sound pretty good, so I hope that is a reflection of how you're feeling.

As always, I think about you and those prayers are still coming from here to up there for you!

Love and ((((hugs))),

Sew

January 19, 2005
2:30 pm
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Hi Ren'ai,

Haven't posted back to you for awhile. Just trying to catch up with everyone.

Thanks about the information reminder about the Epstein Barre' syndrome. I guess we never know for sure what is down the road for us? I feel sad when I think of all the things my mother had, my sister and I have and how so many things have been passed sown to my daughter and who knows what next? But I try to think of the positives and how to deal with whatever we get. My best thing to do is try to listen to my own body and how it feels and try to be in the best health I can, or else all hell breaks loose! all except the emotions and how to deal with being coda, so being here is the greatest jou to have found this site and everyone here!

Have you been doing okay of late? sorry if I have missed something gooing on with you, as I have been way behind trying to read the posts; just so many and time to read them!

I just wanted to put out a shout to say hi to you. I'm passing out hugs today; maybe a need one myself or just miss you all here.

So sending you a ((((big hug, Ren'ai))) as well with prayers to have a good and painfree day!!!

Love,
Sew

January 19, 2005
2:32 pm
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PS: Zinnie and Ren'ai....the nanas....what's new with the grandbabies and the shopping????

My grandchildren call me Nana as well, love that name!

January 19, 2005
4:05 pm
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Hey Mama,
Glad that you got out your Dr. Phil book. I put it down for a few days but have picked it up again. He is so sensible and so straight shooting. I am on the chapter talking about the first weight loss key which is "right thinking". There is a lot of good information in this chapter and I am trying to really do the thinking and the work instead of skimming over it like I have done in the past. I have trouble cutting out and back on my carbs too and the things that I have fixed haven't been too tasty. I hope that I can start to crave healthier things for my body, but I have a feeling that there has to be a period of hard adjustment when giving the carbs up.

With my prediabetes too, I have to cut back on the carbs because of the sugar levels and I know you do too. Hopefully something will click and we can just keep encouraging each other and those around us.
Love, TS

January 19, 2005
6:50 pm
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bel
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Hello All, Zinnie were you talking about hip pain? All of a sudden last week I started getting hip pain in bed when Im trying to sleep, its on my right side and really hurts to lie on that side along with my other pains its no fun.

I started taking a thyroid pill to help my dead metabolism live again but the only difference I see is that I cant eat as much as I used to, I get really full right away (which is a good thing). But do thyroid pills make you gain weight in general???

Hope all have sweet painless sleep tonight!

Bel

January 20, 2005
3:34 pm
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Hey Zin,
How are you today?

January 21, 2005
12:36 am
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Zinnie
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Today has been a day of many many decisions.

I have to have another surgery. I had a sonnogram (internal/vaginal) done on Tuesday - and there are five large tumors which were detected and multiple adhesions which were blocking part of the view. Which ultimately means no telling what they will find when they get in there.

They are guessing that I had a tumor rupture over the weekend, which is what the increased pain is about - right now I feel like the bottom half of my body is going to exlode.

So... I have decided I will do this surgery in the hopes of ending some of this pain. However, I also sat down and looked over my medical records for the last six years. In six years I have had eighteen surgeries pertaining to this. Tumor removals, laparotomies, laproscopies, laser surgeries, freezing procedures, and now I find from taking Vioxx or Bextra - don't know which one for sure as I have taken both for arthritic pain, my heart is not as strong as it could be.

I will do this surgery, but this is the final one. I'm tired, and today I signed not only a living will but a Do Not Resistate order.

I have so much to look forward to and live for, but I'm so tired.

There is an over-whelming sadness that comes with this decision. The knowledge that I will probably never see my grand-children graduate school, the knowledge that I will not be sitting in a chair on a porch with my husband in a few years. That I have what many search for forever, the love of their life, and that I will miss him greatly, even - where I might end up - which hopefully is heaven.

I realize today, that of all the wrong choices and decisions that I may have made in this life - the one thing that I did do right is marry this man - he has brought me comfort and joy.

I think I have cried harder today than in all of my life combined.

Now, I just feel numb.

January 21, 2005
1:04 am
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Zinnie,

Such hard news to hear and for you to deal with. Right now many things I want to say, but I can only be brief. I wish and pray peace for you and to be lifted from this pain. You are so special. I am being selfish here when I say how much I cherish your postings and just being Zinnie. I love you and consider you one of my dear friends. I am so glad you have the family love and a wonderful husband. You give us all hope for that.

Love and (((((hugs for you)))))

Sew

January 21, 2005
11:38 am
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Zinnie, I just wanted to say I wish you well and will be sending good thoughts. You have always been so giving and supportive to others, and you've been through so much. The stages of grief are hard to go through. Know that there are many people you've never even seen who are rooting for you.

All my Love,
C

January 21, 2005
2:19 pm
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It makes me sad to read this too Zinnie. I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better. Please know that you have many people praying for your recovery and for peace for your heart.
Love, TS

January 21, 2005
2:37 pm
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Zinnie,

Don't think I can see the screen any more from my tears, but I want you to know how much you are loved, even if I have only known you for a couple months.

How so very hard this must be for you. But, knowing from where I am that the things you will miss is so very sad. But, that it gets so hard and so trying to go on that you must want to quit at times. I know I do.

I pray your surgery will go well. What day and time is it please? So I can pray during that time. As for the Living Will and the DNR - good for you. You have taken the burden off your family. My mom and hubby don't like that I have one. They think the decisions should be theirs, but ya know, they haven't been where I have been and know how hard the decisions are. I hope your family is in understanding and supportive of yours and of you.

Zinnie - may I please ask if you have Jesus in your heart? If not, please ask him in. I just wanted to ask; there is no need to answer. It's not my business.

Zinnie, God bless you so very much. I'm praying.

January 21, 2005
3:51 pm
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Zinnie, love you. You are an awesome woman. Know that we are all here for you. I wish we all could meet you face to face, we would shower you with hugs and more support. Of course you are tired. But don't give up, ok? Prayers are with you.
Hugs, rainbows, sunshine and love being sent your way...
omw/s

January 21, 2005
5:33 pm
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Zinnie,

I don't know of anything else to do or say except that I want you to know that I will be lifting you up in prayer.

I'll ask my mom to pray too.

(((Hugs)))

~Amanda~

January 21, 2005
7:38 pm
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Zinnie,

I want you to know how much I genuinely admire and love you. You are such a blessing to so many. Your strength and integrity are blinding in purity. Your sadness is deeply felt by all who have come to know and love you in this place.

You are making many hard decisions. I hope you can feel the "rightness" in them. I feel it.

Zinnie, your life is. I mean, if we look at this from another perspective, time doesn't exist. It's simply a tool we use in this plane of existence so that we can process information and learn from it. If there is a heaven or hell, then all that exists is eternity and thus, there is no time.

I say again: Zinnie, your life is. Your life is now. This moment. You are living, breathing, loving, teaching, blessing, and yes, even hurting.

Zinnie, your life is. It always will be.

Love,

Ren'ai

January 22, 2005
1:51 am
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Zinnie
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Thank you all.

Yes, my husband is very understanding of my wishes and agree's with them, he feels the same way - no life support.

This is not the end for me, at least not yet - but a stepping stone for me to alliviate some of the pain - or so I hope. By the way - I even miscounted, I forgot my hysterectomy! So, make that nineteen surgeries - I guess this makes it the even twenty.

Why these decisions were so hard I don't know, maybe I'm just emotional. Today, I wrote out how I want certain things divided up for the grand-children, and the kids as well. I collect bears - have for over 30 years. I have asked my husband to donate them to St. Judes for children with cancer. Yet, I hope to have even more to donate as I plan to be here for a long time.

My husband told me once that I had to be here for a long time... he said that "you can't die just yet - Satan won't have you because you would make him repent, and God is not ready for a boss."

Imagine me bossy?

Mama, I'm not sure when the surgery will be just yet, we are still in the process of dealing with the insurance company - and at the rate they move? Someone may discover a cure by then. In all seriousness, most likely within the next few weeks, I will keep you posted.

Thank you all for the well wishes... right now the morphine is kicking in, so I will say good-night.

Love to all,

Zinnie

January 22, 2005
2:36 pm
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Zinnie, even going through this process has to be healing for you, a letting go process. And writing is healing too, and all of the love that your family bestows on you, and all of the support you give away...all of that is healing for you. At least you are doing the right things, and allowing others to do for you as well. You are awesome.

January 24, 2005
7:56 am
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Good am,

Haven't heard how anyone is doing lately.....Ren'ai, Sew, Bel, OMW, too scared, Amanda, CiCi, and of course our Zinnie.

Today I feel like I have been shit at and hit. I don't think there is any part of me that isn't hurting at the moment. But, it'll get better as I get up and move around.

To end on a good note.....ummm, will think of one later. Going for coffee now. lol

January 24, 2005
10:37 am
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mama

You are so sweet! (((Hugs)))

Are you feeling any better?

I am going back to sleep. Lately that has been my favorite pastime.

I am doing okay... I have a cough that will NOT go away. Which is weird because I never get sick, I do not smoke, and I have (at least I think) been trying to take good care of myself lately.

My doctor is so far away though. I was stupid and picked a PCP about a half-hour away. =( There was a snowstorm here in Ohio, so it's not worth it to go.

I have gone through 3 complete bottles of nyquil, dayquil, and robitussin with codeine.

I'm pretty sure it's just a sore throat due to drainage. That, or that I really do have strep.

End on a good note? Nothing else ails me. I am very thankful for that.

Love Amanda.

January 24, 2005
7:34 pm
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Zinnie
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Hey Mama,

Sorry you are not feeling well.

I had scar tissue frozen off of my vaginal cuff today to help ease some of the pain. I'm not sure whose pain it is supposed to ease - but, as of yet, it sure as hell is not mine. It HURTS!

Off to take something...

Z.

January 24, 2005
11:31 pm
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Oh Zinnie, I am so sorry you hurt so much.

I think today has been one of my worse in awhile. Woke up and i don't think there was one little part of me that didn't hurt. Usually is subsides, but not so today.

Hope your pain pills kicked in and tomorrow will be a better day for you.

God bless!

January 25, 2005
12:14 am
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Hi mamaC

I am sorry you had such a painful day. Does doing any stretch exercises help or is it just body aching? Then exercise, but rest would help. Isn't it strange, we need both, rest and exercise, but the body can be so fickle at times.

Have the twins stopped throwing up? The rest of the family didn't get sick, I hope.

Well, I found my Bible today, in unpacking some more. Now to get back to reading it. Going back to Proverbs. I read the psalms and Prov. to my mom as much as I could when she was sick, tho she couldn't talk, I could just see on her face, how relaxed she'd get. Then she'd get tired, sleep, awake and I'd keep going. Imagine as much as I write here, I tallk a lot! I know I must have worn her out with all my talking, but that's me.

I was talking about getting revenge earlier to OMW. Not good stuff. So I have to look up some verses on that. If you have one good one for me, could you hsare it please? I said; "vengence is mine, saith the Lord." But not sure if that is quote right or not. If revenge is not good, why did He say it? It's ok for God, but not for me, huh? Just wondering, maybe revenge and vengence are not the same thing.

Take care, I have rambled on for too long. I hope you can get some good rest tonite.

(((hugs)))

Sew

January 25, 2005
12:29 am
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Zinnie,

You have that infamous 'Zin humour' even with that annoying pain. I see you jumping around the threads tonite so you must be feeling a bit spry, or are you just trying to get past the pain? I am glad you are here when you are up to it. Even a little bit to see you is great for us all!

Said you had some surgery today, and of course, there's pain from it to relieve the pain. Ug, Lord, when ?you ask? Soon, I hope!
What and where are the sites you are visiting? Sorry, but I have been in geriatrics so long, I am not much up on oncology. My field is diverse, but we can get caught up in certain areas and less so on others.

I put a post out for WD as have not seen him around for quite some time. You've been here for awhile, is this common? Guess posters come and go and some come back after a while?

Again, so good to 'see' you here. Wish some day, some how we all could meet. Just mark the calendar and a local diner and have a feast.

Sleep and rest well,

Sew/C

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