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Consumed by this....
September 26, 2007
6:36 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Not really....I just never thought it was that abnormal. I saw it as affection. The verbal stuff has gotten worse....but, not the physical.

Bev, this is killing me. I don't get it. How could I be so fucking blind and stupid??

I am NOT handling this well AT ALL today...it may be best for me to not talk about it. ALL I can do is cry. I feel so....I don't know, violated. He could beat me over and over...but this, I can't take it. I have that feeling...and I don't like it.

September 26, 2007
6:49 pm
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free2choose
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Mich,

This is probly gonna sound so retarded, bieng he is obviously either oblivious or he really just does not care, but have you TOLD him that your body is NOT HIS to touch, grope, or do with as he pleases.

You have mentioned that he is physically abuseive, that he hits you.

Would standing up for yourself and pushing his hand away while forcefully saying "NO", would that send him into a rage and make him hurt you.

I don't want him to hurt you, like beat you up.

But have you tried that.

I know you said that you feel obligated to let him do whatever because he is your husband.

I'm gonna be frank and tell you that that is BULL SHIT. Not your feelings of course, but that belief system...where you learned to believe that.

I also know that personally, as an abuse survivor, it is HARD to stand up and tell someone they can't tough you. I guess it is from being so helpless to violation for so long that we think we must still give in... I don't know.

I remember when I was in the half-way house I was working for a married woman who was my boss. She was VERY sexually agressive. She came right out and asked me to have a three-some with her and her husband. That pissed me off and I told her to fuck off, but when she realized it was more the husband thing that freaked me out, she continued to press me for sex with just her.

I felt so trapped. I mean, she was my boss, an authority figure. She had the power in our relationship.

I ended up fucking her Mich. I did't want to but I did. SHe was married!! I mean, I may be gay, but I got values and morals, ya know. God (if there is one) loves me gay, but I don't get down with fucking married women.

But I DID.

Because I felt I had no choice.

It is HARD to say now when it seems that they have the power.

But you have to try.

Be strong and courageous and say, THIS IS MY FUCKING BODY, NOT YOURS.

J and I (she was date raped in high-school, so she understands) have an agreement that the sexual places do not get touched without invitation or unless we are actively involved in sex. I do not just go up to her and grab her breast. She'd probly deck me, LOL. But we had to make that agreement because we both had issues and soft boundaries.

And don't worry, you can innitiate sex without walking up and grabbing a boob or a crotch, so don;t think we are a bunch of prudes.

We just respect one anothers boundaries and issues.

I hope u can get there one day.

September 26, 2007
6:56 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I have told him NO...I have told him to stop. And yes, there have been times that I have been dead serious and said it, that he hasn't listened. I have let him walk all over me for so long, that it just doesn't matter to him. He doesn't take anything I say seriously. IF I mentioned that I thought that he was sexually abusive to me, that might cause an "issue". To tell him no, it wouldn't. But, he wouldn't listen to me. I have moved his hands, I have moved away...I have done several things.

Going back to the days of the "sisterhood"...that was the first time that man ever just crawled into bed and took off my underwear. He has done it many times since. I just take it. WHAT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM? It bothers me. There are a lot of times I will tell him to just do what he has to do so I can go to sleep. That is ok with him....as long as he gets what he wants from me.

September 26, 2007
6:57 pm
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bevdee
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Free2choose

"U thinkin he's threatened by her independence?"

YEP- now let me go read the rest...

September 26, 2007
6:58 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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And Free....I would take getting my ass kicked ANY day of the week over the sexual abuse shit...

September 26, 2007
7:13 pm
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bevdee
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Michigan

Here is the message I received when I read your posts about this.

Since you made a connection with the "sisters"- he has started yanking your panties off? Is this so? When you finally found some support?

No feedback on the classes- he is probably very threatened by that and all that that implies. Your ability after you are done - to get a job, to be autonomous - your ability to get the fuck away from him. He knows you want to.

Here's what I see- he won't give you anything positive about yourself, will he? He can't compliment you? Even before the classes, you never felt like you did enough. Like you were good enough? Now that you are starting to flutter your wings, he will try everything in his power to put you down.

So- the verbal violence continues and steps up. I predict that the closer you get to your goal, the more he will step up his efforts. This is classic abuser behaviour, Mandy.

He sends you a message every time he violates your clearly stated, spoken boundaries by letting you know what he considers you good for. He grabs your crotch, or plays with your boobs. If I were the one receiving this treatment the message to me would be "You are good for this and nothing else" "This crotch and these boobs are all you are to me" He desperately needs you to believe that.

And he sees the dislike on your face, the contempt in your eyes, and he takes pleasure in the fact that you succumb to him because (at least for now) you still need him. He needs that power Erica was talking about.

(((Mich))) Keep making those good grades!! Just don't tell him about it unless he asks, then downplay it.

September 26, 2007
7:23 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Bev and Free2choose)))

Thanks. That is all I have within me.

I appreciate both of your time and concern. It means a lot to me.

Thanks.

I am sure that it is going to get worse...before it gets better. Even I am smart enough to assume that he is worried that his days of my submission, and laying there for him to fuck are numbered. And they are. One way or another.

September 26, 2007
7:37 pm
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bevdee
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(((Spitfire!!)))

September 26, 2007
8:28 pm
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free2choose
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wow bev, excelent analysis.

dude, i so wish that i could say it so clearly.

i have this horrible habit of filtering everything through my own experiences, and alot of times, i just regurgitate that info. i know what I WANT to say, but it comes out all..."Well when I...."

Something dinged inside my head last night when I was typing to u Mich.

I said:

"I figure, if my shit can help somebody, can make just one person feel like they are understood or not alone, then maybe it all had a purpose... "

It's not just helping others or comforting others...it's almost like...validation for myself.

Does that sound wierd?

September 27, 2007
8:35 am
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Anonymous
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gosh...often than not i am glad my husband is more wired like a woman than a man.

How are you SIM? I hope your doing well today...(((SAFE HUGS TO YOU and everyone else)))

September 29, 2007
5:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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"Michigan

I have a question- have these type of instances- the crotch gtabbing, and the other indignities? Have those seemed to increase since you started taking your classes?"

It has been NON STOP today...and I am about to blow my top. I can't take it. All I want is to scream...

If I had to base it on today...the answer has to be yes. Though I didn't think so, I think maybe I am just getting more aware of it??? I dont' know, but I can't stand it. He is just downright being an ass today. And I have told him to STOP repeatedly today...completely serious.

Then...he is picking on Alex to the point of tears again. AND...he brought up divorce AGAIN....

HELP...I am gonna wind up in jail.

September 29, 2007
6:18 pm
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free
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Hi Mich~

Take Alex and go to a movie or something. Get away for a few hours. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do.

i don't know you're whole situation, but Alex, I'm assuming is a kid (?) is gonna blame him/herself for the fighting. And yeah, you might end up in jail. I did once. Same type of thing, and the worst part of that is that you'll have no idea what's happening to your kid (s) who will be in his care while you are away.

Just- time out.

free

September 29, 2007
7:44 pm
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Anonymous
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No...Your be fine, keep posting and sharing things here, half the battle is getting it out, not allowing the predators in our life to take our power, our energy, and rob us of our life...Hang in their my friend:)

Big SAFE hugs to you(((( (SIM)))))))))

October 1, 2007
4:47 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

I'm relieved to see you made it through the past weekend.

(((Spitfire)))

October 1, 2007
5:19 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Not by much Bev...I am finding a WHOLE new side of my anger that I can't even explain. My blood almost boils to even be in the same room with him.

Bare in mind, both of my girls have headlice. I had to go run some errands last night. He couldn't tolerate Aryn...so...I said, do you want me to take her with me? He said, if you don't she is going to stay in her room, to keep me from killin her. I KNOW that he didn't mean that literally, but the point is...it pisses me off. I took her with me...which was fine...but, I really didn't want to expose a bunch of other people to it. I am just tired of all of this.

I want it to end.

October 1, 2007
6:13 pm
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bevdee
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Well he sure sounds like a prick. Not very considerate of kids' feelings.

I'm not sure what to say, other than I believe he will continue to say this type of thing to "push" at you, to see if he can get you to break.

(((Mich)))

October 1, 2007
6:19 pm
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bevdee
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Okay, I thought of one more thing :O

You say he is gone for a few days at a time? If this is so, I think you can count on him being more overbearing and obnoxious when he does come home. This happened with Luc when he worked out of town. When he did come home, it was as if all little shitty abuses I previously suffered during the week were concentrated and directed toward me in 2 days. It made the 48 hours he was home just miserable. 7 days worth in 2. I believe this was his way of needing to feel control.

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