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Consumed by this....
September 24, 2007
3:57 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I have debated about posting this, and I have decided that I need to. I was going to post it on support, then decided that I couldn't....so here it goes...

Last week I asked what the definition was of marital rape. I have been really struggling within on this for a while, and questioning things about my marriage and my sex life.

Lately I have tried to convince myself that my fears about all of this are because I am so oversensitive to the whole idea of rape and whatever because I have recently disclosed the facts about my childhood. So, I have kind of all let it go. Am I oversensitive though, OR, am I starting to see the truth in the way things are, for what they really are.

I really made myself believe that nothing was really wrong with the situation. I was taking things different than they were because of my oversensitivity. I struggle sexually because of my past...that is not news to my husband. With the lights off, very rarely does he even know. The times that he can tell (which are few and far between) it really doesn't affect him. He can still orgasm without any major problem. (I assume that is a man thing??) OR at least for a majority of them?? In his defense, I don't typically say anything.

BUT...like Saturday as a prime example...(as I have been thinking about this a LOT lately) he kept touching me...constantly. I was telling him NO, to stop or whatever. But, at times, I was giggling (which is the only thing to keep me from crying). I just wanted him to stop. But he would keep touching my butt and my boobs, and my crotch...and whatever. Yes, I did tell him to stop repeatedly...yet, again, I was giggling some of that time. So, a friend of mine that I was on the phone with said, it is tough to make him see that you are serious if you are giggling.

I started to think about that. Then the thing that went through my head was this...I am really oversensitive to all of this. He isn't doing anything wrong...besides...you can't rape the willing. Those were the thoughts that went through my head. So, I kind of let it all go....

BUT..then...yesterday morning....we had sex. It was alright, I was fairly comfortable and whatever. He didn't last very long, as he never does. But this is what happened....

When "it" was over, he said this to me..."You know, this would be easier if you didn't act like you like it." I asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean. He said, "It is harder when you act like you want it." I asked him, "Am I not supposed to?" He said, "Well, that might make it easier."

What in the hell is all of that supposed to mean? As I talked to a friend about this last night, she said I just needed to get out. This scares her. Am I reading too much into this, is she right? I don't even know what to make of all of this. I just don't have a clue.

Does he get off thinking that I don't like it? Or when I am struggling, does that make it more enjoyable to him? I don't get it. I really don't. But, I can't let it go. It is driving me crazy.

Any thoughts??

September 24, 2007
4:17 pm
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Anonymous
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He wants you to act as if you don't having sex with you? Is this want you meant here??? If so, that is not good, not at all..he wants to have the fantasy of raping you? If he is forcing himself on you, and you said no, that is rape, married or not here. I used to giggle too during sex, I had no idea why, often my one boyfriend would ask me what was so funny, it was kinda of childish sounding, I have no idea why I did that, but I am suspectful that it could be that I was nervous and this was a way of reacting to something that i did not understand? Could that be what is going on with you here?

HOnestly, your husband bother me ALOT...sorry. I hate to hear that too, from people, but I wanted to be honest here with you, frankly I am concerend bout you here, your so sweet and sensitive and I see somoene hurting you and that is not ok here, at all!

(((HUGS to you my friend)))

September 24, 2007
4:33 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh mich - I am sorry that you can't trust your gut on this one.

but you SHOULD.

what your husband said sounds soooooooooooo wrong.

I mean - ok - sometimes a guy likes a good chase. He likes it to not be "too easy".

BUT - that's usually during courtship or something.

Most guys would KILL to have a wife who is willing. What about all those wives who have "surprises" waiting for their husband? like being nekid at the door, or waiting in the tub or bedroom? are we NOT supposed to be like that? hell no, most guys love it when their partners are ready, willing and able.

Does playing hard to get turn some guys on? sure - BUT - there is a fine line between playing hard to get and wanting you to NOT like it at all.

And yes - if you say STOP - it means stop - no matter HOW you say it.

I am kind of sensitive to the issue too - not sure why - but recently my BF said something about trying something new on me and I said no - so later he said he would try it when I wasn't expecting it...I told him that no means no and IF he EVER did something I declined, without my consent - I would be out the door and on my way before he knew what hit him.

He quickly realized how awful he sounded and QUICKLY apologized saying that is not what he meant at all and would never do anything to me that I had not consented to...in this case, we were discussion anal sex, which I really don't care for.

Anyway, please trust your gut.

I think that your previous experiences MAY make you sensitive to the issue/feelings - BUT - they are STILL VERY REAL.

Yes, I would be very scared of what your husband said. I don't know him or the situation or if he truly meant what he said or realizes what he meant....so I will TRY to give him the benefit of the doubt....but I would be really careful of it.

given your history, I would say your radar may be oversensitive - but still on track.

don't ever NOT trust your gut feeling....if it feels wrong, it probably is.

September 24, 2007
4:33 pm
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Shaney
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That's f***ing not right, Michy. I don't care HOW he meant it or WHERE this warped idea of his came from, but it's not right no matter how you slice it. ESPECIALLY in light of everything that you've been through. Can we have some sensitivity here or WHAT!? This just irks the hell out of me, because trust IS such an issue with you. You had something very precious taken from you, repeatedly as a girl. Now, the person you're suppose to feel safe with, and TRUST, isn't happy unless he feels that he's TAKING sex from you again? I don't get it. Is there some remote chance that we've misunderstood what he said? I'm hoping so. Okay - MAYBE, I can understand that sort of wierd comment IF you both are into some sort of role playing thing - and being submissive is your role, and being the dominant whatever, is his role. But that's if you both are playing the same game here. You know?

September 24, 2007
5:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks ladies...this has been a really tough one to swallow for me. I just don't know. I am so confused, and I have tried to tell myself that I am making it worse than it is. I needed an outside perspective...and I appreciate all of yours. It is all just pretty painful to think about. In fact...quite painful...it is really eating at me.

(((survivor, rising, shaney)))

September 24, 2007
6:35 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Shaney...no games...I am not into that. Just can't do it. AND...if by chance I was....submissive wouldn't be my role.

September 24, 2007
7:59 pm
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i am wondering if your laughing cause you are nervous or overwhelmed maybe SIM? (((TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, Warm safe hugs and nite)))

September 24, 2007
9:48 pm
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free2choose
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Mich,

It seriously bothers me, and quite frankly grosses me out, that your husband told you it would be EASIER for him to fuck you if you acted like you did not want it!!

It not only grosses me out, it makes me want to kick his ass.

WTF!!! I mean, really!!!

Mich, I don't know about you, but I had some serious sexual issues as a result of my childhood abuse.

I was NEVER comfortable with a man. I ALWAYS felt victimized.

When I decided I was gay, it was easier with women, but ONLY if I was able to be "the dominant one". I was very very rarely able to relax enough to allow someome to make me feel good.

When I FINALLY met the woman I am with now, she was so understanding and so patient. There were so many things... I always worried that I took too long, or that I did not deserve the time she spent on making ME happy. I always monitored my reactions, the noises I made or the movements, I was so afraid that I was acting like a slut or something. Like I was doing something bad! I would always get so jealous because she could have these amazing orgasms..back to back...and I could not even barely get one!! I thought something was physically wrong with me! Finally I realized, I was just AFRAID! Afraid to be vulnerable.

The first time I allowed myself to REALLY let go, I just cried and cried and cried. It was amazing but terrifying, because I gave her EVERYTHING.

The point though, is that I had to feel SAFE ENOUGH to get there.

We deserve to have good sex!! We CAN have good sex, even after we've been so terribly wounded by sex. I didn't think that I deserved good sex...I didn't think it was possible for me, but it is!!

BUT....BUT....I HAD to find someone who respected me, who loved me, who cared enough to be patient and understanding.

You derserve that Mich. Drop that fucker, that's what I say. It's HIM that does not deserve YOU!!

Free

PS...Sorry if that was too graphic, thats just who I am...

September 24, 2007
10:05 pm
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free2choose
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Rising...

Dude, what IS it with men and their obsession with assholes!! I mean, DAMN! Why can't the va-jay-jay just be ENOUGH, huh?

I really don't think they REALIZE how sex is for a woman. It's like, they always want MORE MORE MORE. When we already give so much.

I'm sure some women like it that way. Hell, honestly, on rare RARE ocasions, even I like a little,uh...DIGITAL stimulation. But I GOTTA BE THE ONE TO DECIDE THAT, you know. And they need to understand that just cause SOME like it, and just because the PORN QUEENS like it, that don't mean thier girlfriend or thier wife does, right??

And they need to realize that OUR body is OUR body and they don't get carte blanch. This ain't Burger King and they can't always have it thier way!!

I mean, if that is something the dude absolutely NEEDS, well then I'd say, go find someone who'll give it we are just not compatible and that's OK.

And if he still don't get it I'd say, Oh yea bud...You'll get you chance, but me first...See if he likes that.

September 24, 2007
10:30 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((f2c))))

I can't respond through the tears right now...maybe I can tomorrow. I feel understood....COMPLETELY. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You were not too graphic...thats all until I can post more.

Mich

September 24, 2007
11:17 pm
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free2choose
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(((((((Mich))))))))

September 25, 2007
11:06 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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f2c~

While there is still a lot I will say...because I can, and it is there...I have a question. (with a little hesitation)

You are obviously open about your sexual preference....is that something that I can ask you a few questions regarding? If you aren't comfortable with that, I will accept that...I am just curious. I am not sure how much of the "safe place" thread you read...but mine (sexuality) is something that I have been questioning for a while, and with reason.

As far as the h....it is just a matter of time. And can I stick it out. I am losing my mind here. I think that it gets better for a while, to only find out that it is worse than I originally thought.

What pisses me off the most, is that I find myself questioning my own judgement calls with him. I know what I think, then I second guess everything. Sometimes, I then try to play it all pretty cool...like, I am just being oversensitive. I am sure at the moment, I am...no doubt...but, if there wasn't anything wrong, I wouldn't be asking these questions, RIGHT??

See, I don't even trust myself to make a fucking sound decision anymore. I am so confused. I find myself defending him because I am screwed up.

I will tell you this...he did tell me this am, that I almost got a wake up call at 5:30....my only words were this....it wouldn't have gone well...AT ALL. He just snickers...I truly, don't want that little ass touching me...and I think that there is a lot more to it than all of this. I think that there is more to it than my past. I don't know.

Anyway...welcome to my fucked up world. At least I have this site, so I don't feel completely alone.

Good lord almighty...I need some peace.

Mich

September 25, 2007
12:46 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Mich,

with all the crap going on in your worl - with him - it's no wonder that sex is a turn off.

I mean - you spend day after day wondering where this is all going, if you love him, should you leave him, is he hurting you, is he hurting the kids.

So, of course, it's natural to want to withold sex until you are certain how you feel - I mean - why send mixed signals - only to have him berate you for it.

The thing is - this thing you call a husband - is so far OUT OF TUNE with your emotional state of mind and needs - that he simply can't see the turmoil you are in. Maybe he can't, or maybe he doesn't want to.

But any loving caring guy would be wondering what's up with the love of his life. Hell, if I get a quiet period where I just want down time, my BF worries I am sick or something is eating at me....and he asks.

Given your past - asking you to pretend like you don't want it is just plain inconsiderate, and downright WRONG.

TRUST YOURSELF sweetie...tho I realize that in doing that - it makes you realize that you may have made mistakes in past decisions - and that hurts - so either way - you are gonna hurt.

What would you say if your daughter came and told you her husband made the comment to her?

Often when I worry if my judgment is off, I ask myself waht I would say to my best friend, daughter or mother if they asked the same....often gives me my answers.

I am not a lesbian, BUT, I totally understand how some women can become a lesbian simply by being traumatized by men in the past....how women would feel safer, and usually more understanding. Frankly, I enjoy men, but I can totally understand the lesbian thing - and have many people in my life that are gay. And I think it's cool that they are free to be who they need to be. No excuses, no apologies. And kudos to them for being brave enough to be open and honest about it in a world that sometimes doesn't understand.

If you find you feel safer with a woman partner - and it allows you to feel love for the first time in your life - go for it....the hell with what everyone else thinks...it's your emotional well being that is important and if men make you too unbalanced, then don't force it. Love is love no matter what the gender of the persons exchanging it....and I would never abandon a friend who chose a different path than the one they have been living.

September 25, 2007
1:41 pm
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free2choose
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Rising said:

"TRUST YOURSELF sweetie...tho I realize that in doing that - it makes you realize that you may have made mistakes in past decisions - and that hurts - so either way - you are gonna hurt."

I really like this! That is so true.

Besides that, I have found that in my life, someone abusing me was normal. As I got better, with recovery and T, only then was I really able to start recognizing that some things were abuse.

Violent rape is OVERT. Rape is in your face, there's not much that you can deny about it.

But what about all the other ways that someone can be sexualy abused.

Did u know that demanding sex, through manipulation or pouting or pestering, that is sexual abuse.

Did u know that invading someone's privacy, groping thier body, not respecting thier personal comfort and boundaries, that is sexual abuse.

All these covert methods...they sometimes just slip right under the radar, because they are so...NORMAL. Its normal to be treated like shit, right??? Its normal to be disrespected and disregarded and for someone else to have more of aright to say what happens to my body than I do...right???

WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

But we think its normal, because it's how its always been. We've become accustomed to being disrespected.So much so that when the time comes to stand up for ourselves, we are so confused by what is right and wrong that we just blow it off or minimize it or tell ourselves we are crazy.

This is compounded by the fact that we often, secretly think we do not deserve better. They wouldn't treat uslike shit if we wern't really shit right???

WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

THEY ARE SHIT!! We do deserve better, damn it!

That gut feeling u have MICH, the one u are trying so hard to ignore or squash...that is the HEALTHY YOU, not the sick you!!! You are not oversensitive. It's not your sicky telling you that you're in a bad situation...it's your NEW HEALTHY GROWING SELF. Your self that KNOWS how beautiful and wonderful you are, and that, despite what the sicky inside says, YOU DESERVE BETTER, damn it.

September 25, 2007
1:46 pm
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free2choose
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Oh, ps...

Yes, please feel free to ask any question that you need. Those that know me from before here will tell you I am pretty much 100% an open book. I am like that in life, not just online. I figure, if my shit can help somebody, can make just one person feel like they are understood or not alone, then maybe it all had a purpose...

Also, I havenot read this whole thread. I'll go back and do some reading, get more aquainted...;)

September 25, 2007
1:47 pm
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free2choose
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oooppppsss,

not this thread, the safe place thread, sorry

September 25, 2007
3:45 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Free2choose~~

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, and for being willing to talk about this.

Do you believe that you were born gay, or that life made you that way? I don’t think that I was born with the feelings that I have. I really don’t. BUT….That said…I have them now. I am sure life, the past sexual abuse, and my present life….are what have made me think this.

I had a purely sexual relationship with a woman once before. I am sure that was a couple of things. Curiosity killed the cat, and satisfaction brought it back…ya know?? Plus, I was desperate for love from a woman to replace that which I never had from my mother. I know, that there was NEVER any emotion there. She was married…I had JUST started dating my now husband. On top of that, I had just found out a couple of weeks prior to that, that my daughter (12 months old) had been sexually abused. My mother wasn’t there for that….since I blamed her boyfriend…the same man that abused me. On top of that, it stemmed from a game of truth or dare…imagine that.

I have been in MANY sexual relationships over the course of the last 18 years. Did I have emotion attached, I thought so. You always think so, when you are young though I think. I was just desperate for love, and somewhere in the course of my life, I convinced myself that sex was love….as I know a lot of women do. Yet, I haven’t had an orgasm on a regular basis during intercourse since I was like 13 or 14. Now, I can’t have them really at all during intercourse. I struggle to have one at all….at least with him. I am fully capable of doing it myself. With him, I almost have to now, picture it being someone else in order to have one at all. The mere thought of him touching me at all, makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

Now, the relationship that I had a few months back with a woman…that was different. TOTALLY. I can still cry for the same reasons you explained. I wanted it. Orgasming was SO totally easy and comfortable. I didn’t worry about my body, or anything else. I FELT SAFE….for the first time in my life. It wasn’t a physical thing…and something that was certainly NOT planned. The emotional attachment led to everything after. It was amazing, and wonderful. I felt loved, I felt comfortable, I felt safe, I felt special, I felt accepted, I felt believed, I felt believed in….I can’t even explain it. I melted. Emotionally, then physically.

I wonder if like you, I will always feel victimized by men. I don’t really care what the world thinks about me. My happiness….that is my business. So, being gay isn’t the worst thing in the world. I do care a little no matter what I try to tell you, but, I wouldn’t not do it…if I thought I would be happy. I will NOT sacrifice my happiness for ANYONE in this life again. My dads side of the family would die. My moms, they’d get over it. I do worry a little about my kids. Would they adjust?? I have to think that they would. My husband said something about me leaving him for another man with more money the other day…my response was this….”If I ever leave you, it won’t be for another man.” He said, he would be alright with that.

I grew up having this dream of living a happy, healthy life with a husband and kids. Now, I can’t see myself EVER trusting a man at all. I don’t even want that. I fully believe in my heart that I would be happier with a woman. I can’t trust men. My husband knows NOTHING about who I really am. Nor does he care. He has made that perfectly clear. I can’t even tell him ANYTHING about what I am going through.

He has given me crap over this website, seeing my therapist, spending time with friends, or whatever. Now, I am going to a support group for survivors of sexual abuse. I haven’t told him, and I would lie to him if it came to it. He excused his brother sexually abusing an 8 year old little girl, and a 5 year old little boy a few years back. Then, the physical abuse to my kids…(and to me) are more than I can handle at this point. I will never trust him again. I have come to the conclusion here, that I don’t ever want to try to trust another man again.

Now, I am going to school….I can’t support me and my kids and I know that. If he were to touch one of my kids again….it would be over. (and he almost fucked that up this last weekend) I would find a way to make a way. He has made it four months…I am just feeling DONE. I don’t feel like fighting for my marriage anymore. It is over. In my head…but more than that…it is over in my heart. I am here for financial support, and help with my kids. Which he struggles to provide either one of those either. He does work hard and try…financially. I have to give him that. We just struggle to make ends meet. I don’t know…I just….I can’t do it anymore. I am done. I am so over the bullshit.

I still feel as though I am being abused on a number of levels. As I explained before, I always second guess that. Like, maybe I am being too sensitive…because of my past. I don’t know. Emotionally, I am at my wits end. If it weren’t for my kids….I wouldn’t be here posting, I wouldn’t be here at all. Sexually, I am horrified at even the thought of sex, and physically….I am exhausted.

On the same note…I am not supposed to be having sex at all until Nov. 7, at least. I am still on restrictions from having my hysterectomy back in the end of June. I am just tired. I don’t want to fight…and to be honest…I have always felt obligated to satisfy him. Like being his wife, makes me responsible for taking care of him sexually. I do EVERYTHING for him. He doesn’t have to do anything other than go to work and come home. That is ALL that he has to do. I am QUICKLY learning to not only resent him, but hate him.

Ok, I have said enough for now….thanks again for listening to me.

Rising, I have a couple of things to say to you as well, but….I need a small break. Thank you as well for taking the time to hear me out. I can’t really explain what your last post, about being gay…meant to me. If I can, I will explain that later. I thought I scared you away months ago. (yes, I am feeling a little sensitive)

((((Rising and f2c))))

Thank you both.

September 25, 2007
4:27 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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hey mich - get back to me in your own time.

as for scaring me away - you can't...you are too wonderful - and I care alot about you.

You see - a while back, I found out that my ex still lurks here. Thru a mutual friend, I found out that he knows EVERYTHING that goes on in my life - all the intimate details.

The ONLY way he could know this is that he still lurks here.

I hesitated letting people know this (and still fear saying something) as I don't want the moderator to boot me again.

I don't fear for my safety - tho admit looking in my rear view mirror a bizzillion times last time I was "home" and in his neck of the woods - fearing he was following me.

But here, where I am now, I am seven hours away from him and I feel safe.

It INFURIATES me that he still does this - I mean, if his life is so fucking peachy - and I was such a miserable GF - then why oh does he need to keep track of my activities - after almost 18 months apart?

Anyway, I digress.

So, he was lurking - and I got tired of him knowing my stuff.

And honestly, my life has gotten so stable and stress free that I didn't have much to discuss here.

So, I kind of backed away.

Plus, recently, I have been training a new gal at work, where it's the only place I get online - and I couldn't get here to post much at all as of recently.

So NEVER is it about anybody here, including you.

I like you mich - and I care - and I wish only the best for you and your kids - and I am VERY confident that each day that passes - you are creeping closer and closer to your goal - and someday, in your time, you will arrive at the same peaceful place I found my way into.

As free pointed out so smartly - the reason you are now starting to question all this - is that you ARE GETTING IT - you are learning to not accept the crap, to question it when your gut screams/cries out, to hear it, to know what it means.

Some day you won't need to come here to get validation - you will simply just KNOW that what you are feeling is true - and trust it.

IN TIME...YOUR TIME.

September 25, 2007
7:39 pm
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free2choose
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Rising..

"Some day you won't need to come here to get validation - you will simply just KNOW that what you are feeling is true - and trust it.

IN TIME...YOUR TIME."

Nice!! I like that.

September 25, 2007
8:14 pm
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Mich,

You asked, "Do you believe that you were born gay, or that life made you that way?"

Hmmmmmm.... That's a good question. 🙂

It's actually one that I've gone over in my head time and time again. Especially recently with all the crap we (gays) are getting from the religious and politically conservative communities.

The answer?? Well, like all things me, it's complex and complicated. 😉

I think maybe it's a little of both, really.

I think that most people are not just one way or the other, straight or gay. That we truly all fall somewhere along the sexuality spectrum rather than being 2 polar entities. This belief is based on experience...I have slept with too many "Straight" girls to believe that they're all just "experimenting". But society and religion tells us how WRONG being gay is, and I think some people who would be "bisexual" or more fluid in their sexuality hide their feelings in order to be "normal".

I think that me, biologically at birth, fell somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. Like if totally straight was a 1 and totally gay was a 10, I'd be a 6 or 7.

My reason for this is that I have always been attracted to women, even when I was young. I had a crush on my 5th grade teacher.

But I also find some men very attractive. Some so much that I do wonder what it would be like to be sexual with them.

Enter my childhood...usually when I have those thoughts, something wells up inside me screaming, NONONO. And it ain't my inner lesbian...it's my inner child. If that makes any sense.

So yeah...I think in a perfect world, where I was not abused and fluid sexuality was considered "normal", in that world, the GENDER of the person I choose to love would matter MUCH less than the personality or heart of that person. If I had to put a label, I'd say maybe I was bi.

But this is NOT a perfect world, and try as I might (and did), I could not ever get comfortable with a man. I could not relax, I could not trust, and I always felt small, defensless and afraid.

As I have recovered, I have gone over and over questioning....am I REALLY a lesbian.

There was a while there where I thought I would HAVE to sleep with a man again to find out. I even told my partner what was going on and she gave me her blessing to do what I needed to do to have peace.

Well, thank goodness it did not come to that.

Finally I just realized that, whether I was born this way or somehow I subconciously "choose" this, it didn't matter, because I am who I am, and I can be OK with that today. I love my partner, not because she is female, but because she is beautifull and nurturing and understanding. Because she is my home.

IF (God FORBID) something ever happened and I lost J (my partner)....who knows? Would I become involved with a man?? I can't honestly say yes or no. Does that make me less gay?? Who cares. I am a person, not a label.

The funniest thing about that time that I was having all those painfull questions about if I really was gay... In my head, when I would actually think about what it would be like to be sexual with a man... J was ALWAYS there by my side. In EVERY fantacy, she was there, holding my hand, not really participating, like a 3-some or something...just being there...

You know why??? Because SHE is the safety net. She is the emotional connection. So even in my head, when I'd mind fuck some random hot guy (lol, didn't know how else to put that one) I never did it without her safety and support.

So that tells me something important...

It's not JUST about sex or gender...

It's about EMOTION and CONNECTION...

If something happened to J and I had to go out in the world again and I could find a guy who I connected with that deeply..who knows... I've never been able to before, but I've never been this HEALTHY before either...

For right now, for me, it's not about the gender... or the sex...

It's about the love.

And Mich, I know lots of ladies who have been abused, raped and molested...and they HAVE found love and connection with MEN.

So bieng abused doesn't TURN a person gay. If the door is already open, it may help seal the deal, but I truly do not believe it is the one and only contributing factor. But I may be wrong...everyone's different.

The main thing I can tell u is, U DESERVE LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION and RESPECT... in whatever package you find it in... So stop settling for less.

Free

September 26, 2007
8:15 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thank you so much free.

I SO appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

It is just a matter of getting out of the abusive situation that I am in. I can't take it anymore. I think there is more emotional than I want to let on, and life has had me so consumed that I have ignored most of it. Or simply not wanted to acknowledge it...I don't know.

This last weekend really made me think, and see how fucked up things really are. At least I know that either my marriage is really fucked up, or my ability to think and feel rationally is gone due to my past.

I guess to some degree I was hoping for validation here on many threads, BUT...this one in particular. I think that I got it...and now, I have to figure out what in the hell to do with it.

Thanks again. Questioning my sexuality has been very hard for me, in many aspects. I think that I tend to agree...I don't think that it matters to me in some sense (male or female) just the emotion that I NEED to feel within myself. Letting go that time with her, came so easy...it is so hard to settle for less now. I want that.... Now, I will admit that I do struggle to think that a man can provide that...maybe that is more my issue??? I have never met one that could. I don't know for sure. I just know that my happiness, with a man OR a woman...is what I want. AND I know that it isn't going to come from the ass that I am married to. My heart has already told me over and over...my marriage is done. He keeps adding to my reasons...which only proves my point that much deeper.

Thanks again free. I appreciate it...It is nice to be able to talk about this, and feel completely understood and whatever. None the less, I am glad that you are back... Thanks...

Mich

((((free2choose))))

September 26, 2007
5:05 pm
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free2choose
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Mich...

You said:

"Now, I will admit that I do struggle to think that a man can provide that (the deep emotional connection or comfort)...maybe that is more my issue??? I have never met one that could. I don't know for sure."

I TOTALLY relate.

That is why I think that even in my fantacies, during the time I was having all those questions, even in my fantacies, J was there to provide the emotional connection.

It's like, even though my brain was actually maybe ready to go there sexually, my heart still couldn't committ emotionally. Because deep down inside, although I am healing, I am still VERY distrustfull of men. And I do often struggle with the idea that there are men out there who are not assholes or abusers.

That willingness of my brain, and possibly my body, to be sexual with a man, but the inability fo follow that up with my emotions also told me something else. HOW DEEPLY ingrained that mistrust is, and HOW DEEPLY my abuse wounded me. Wounded my soul... my spirit.

I have to honor that. I can not ignore that. To do so would be to re-abuse myself. And I can't do that anymore. Not when I am so aware of the consequenses.

I totally understand your disbelief that there are good men out there. It is hard to believe that when the majority of the men you have know have all hurt, lied or abused you. I know. That's exactly how I feel.

You are right...straight, gay, whatever..right now you just need to work on getting the HELL OUT!!!

I can't imagine how terrifying and difficult it must be, especially with 4 kids. But there is BOUND to be someone you can go to, somewhere you can get help. A shelter maybe? I know that sounds scarry, but letme tell you, I lived in a half-way house for 9 months, and not some freakin spa like the celebs go to. There was 15 women living in a two bedroom house. I shared a 12x12 bedroom with 8 other women. It sucked ass. But I am sober and independent now, and I do not believe I would have been if not for that support I needed early on.

There are resources. You just have to fight.

Free

September 26, 2007
6:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Free...

Getting the hell out is what I need. I am going crazy.

Even tonight...he comes home, and I am sitting here at the computer...the first thing he does is grab my crotch. (Now, bear in mind that I am mad anyway. I don't know....hurt is a better word maybe...cause he didn't wish me luck at school or anything else. I am trying so damn hard and I feel like that is ignored. I NEVER got a 4.0 on anything in high school....except choir. So, I am feeling a little selfish) BUT...needless to say...I gave him NO reaction at all. So, he proceeded to do it again, and I just gave him a dirty look...he says..."c'mon, i need some type of reaction". I don't want to react anymore. And if I react the way that I want to, it isn't going to go well at all. I am going to wind up in a fucking prison cell somewhere. Even this morning...I had pajamas on...before he left, he pulled my pajamas out at the top, and stared at my chest for a minute, then looks at me and smiles. I just stand there. Still, no reaction, tired of it, yet, voiceless. I am so tired of it Free...I sit here, as I typed those words...tears filled my eyes. I just want to be looked at as something other than a fucking sex toy...just once in this life. That is all I want. I want to be respected...I want to be loved. I am not a fucking piece of meat, I am not a toy, I am not a possession...

DAMN IT...I can't do this anymore. I just can't. It is killing me.

I just have to survive a few more months...that is all I have to live like this. The ONLY thing that would force me to leave sooner is if he touches my kids again. That is it...I will take the rest because I feel like I have to...until I can provide for us. I don't think that a shelter...unless they are in danger is the answer. He could beat me, or whatever else...as long as my kids don't see it...he isn't going to do any more damage than has already been done. It isn't possible.

September 26, 2007
6:29 pm
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bevdee
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Michigan

I have a question- have these type of instances- the crotch gtabbing, and the other indignities? Have those seemed to increase since you started taking your classes?

I hope indignity isn't too mild a word- I am outraged, but I don't want to rant.

September 26, 2007
6:35 pm
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free2choose
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Bevdee,

U thinkin he's threatened by her independence?

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