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Codependent No More CHAPTER 6
February 4, 2007
11:32 pm
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mamacinnamon
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CHAPTER 6
DON'T BE BLOWN AWAY BY EVERY WIND
Due: Thursday, February 8, 2007

Easy Does It.
-twelve step program slogan

Questions to ponder:

1. Are you spending too much time reacting to someone or something in your environment? Who or what? How are you reacting? Is that how you would choose to behave or feel if you had a choice?

2. Go through the previous steps on detachment for whatever or whoever is bothering you the most. If you need to talk to someone select a trusted friend. If necessary seek professional help.

3. What activities help you feel peaceful and comfortable? (A Twelve Step meeting, a steaming hot shower, a good movie, and dancing are my favorite ones.)

February 5, 2007
1:20 pm
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mj
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Yes! I make everything a crisis! I wanted that job today. I want a job. So now I feel like DETACHING! 🙂

I am blown by the wind, my environment, people's reactions, behaviors, and I need to Stop IT!

I am good enough. I will keep showing up! I will trust that I am where I am suppose to be today.

I will work on the things I can control, my reactions, and give the others to my HP. I will repeat the serenity prayer when I need to calm down and center myself with prayer and meditation. EASY Does It is Perfect.

February 6, 2007
9:17 am
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mj
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On Pgs 72-74 suggestions for help detaching and stopping destructive reactions.

1. Learn to recognize when you are reacting.

2. Make yourself comfortable. When you recognize that you are in the midst of a chaotic reaction.

3. Examine what happened.

4. Figure out what you need to take care of yourself.

February 6, 2007
11:00 pm
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armyleo
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Hi MJ,

You want to know something funny...I guess looking back it's funny now...I had just finished reading the chapter, when not 10 minutes later, I had a tantrum, got angry, I "over reacted"...didn't even realize it..

Until you gently pointed it out...

Although I was too into myself and anger to follow the rest of the steps...but it made me realize what it is, and that I do this...

Reading the book, was just words, but when you realize your doing it, it was eye opening I guess...

mj, I hope all is okay with you...thinking about you...

February 6, 2007
11:02 pm
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armyleo
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Oh before I forget, my daughter has to be at a school event @ 7:30 on Thursday...I will write my stuff, down...but will not be able to participate live on-line...will have to read later...

Sorry

February 7, 2007
9:49 am
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mj
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Yeah for you army! You got the first suggestion down! Thanks for letting us all know in advance. Hope you enjoy your daughters' event!

Yesterday I practiced detachment!

I could have dived into the power struggle all so familiar from past years when my husband becomes controlling. I focused on my need to go to my meeting. I focused on self care. I feel that I didn't over react to the stimuli. I set boundaries and left when my husband's anger escalated.

I am on examing what happened yesterday. My husband wanted my car and to dictate who and where I spend my time. He tried to shame me and blame me. I would not accept any of this. I told him that he is not in charge of me. He could ask to use my car and lend me his truck without needing to know everything since I was on a phone call which he rudely interrupted with his inquistion. He tried to tell me I started it. I told him that I know how I feel and I won't be treated disrespectfully. He screamed for me to Shut up. Leave. and I did. He continued his power intimidation plays and I told him that I was angry and wanted no part in it. I then got ready and left. I told him that I was leaving out of courtesy and he kissed me.

Weird day.

What do I need to take care of myself today?

February 7, 2007
10:11 am
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mj
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Serenity First. I need to be calm and not be blown by every wind.

What am I feeling? Sadness because I love my husband and his actions don't feel very loving.

Abandoned because after we both calmed down, our elephant in the living room was ignored.

I feel empowered to take care of myself. I will not accept verbal or emotional abuse.

I need a plan for my future. I need to figure out where I want to be and how I will financially support myself. That is hard. I want to be closer to my family so where?

February 7, 2007
1:10 pm
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mj
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I have a question for everyone.

Did you experience less than nurturing behavior during the years of infant -17 years of age?

February 7, 2007
4:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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YES

February 7, 2007
4:58 pm
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bevdee
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YES total absence after my mom left my daddy.

February 7, 2007
5:51 pm
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Isis
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Most definitely. My mother was emotionally unavailable. My dad did the nurturing.

February 7, 2007
6:32 pm
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bevdee
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Isis! good to see you.

February 7, 2007
7:34 pm
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Isis
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Thanks! Good to see you too. Been sick with a bad cold the last few days. I've been doing my homework, however, not sure if I can make it tomorrow night. My daughter has a late hockey practice and my hubby is on call. My son just got his license a month ago, but I'm too nervous having him drive my other kids around. I started driving again Monday- my fanny is better, and my arm is out of the sling. (yay)

How you doing, everything OK?

February 8, 2007
10:31 am
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soprano2
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Wow--I underlined almost this whole chapter the last time that I read it. Each of these things for me was a huge eye opener. I never realized until I read this chapter last time that I even did those things, and that they weren't necessarily the best things for me to do.

Now, I read it and I realize that I have come a very long way. It has been very hard. Takes a long time to reprogram how you do everything, but I am noticing the difference.

I have worked so hard on not taking things so personally. And it truly has made a difference in how I see myself. I did this by looking at my negative self-talk. I was the meanest person I know to myself, and I didn't even realize it. When I started making positive comments about myself, I figured out that I am a pretty nice girl. I just never allowed myself to think it. Isn't that strange???? Now, I still have my days and my moments, but I am still proud of this big time.

I have spent lots of time learning how to detach from my h, and it is finally paying off. It's like I knew that him leaving was inevitable, so I started working on detaching from him a while ago, maybe without even realizing it. Now that he is going, I kinda feel like it is just a body that is leaving--that what we had left a long time ago. And I think it is because I have been detaching from him for a while.

Peaceful and comfortable? My counselor told me to take ten to twenty minutes every day just for me. I haven't really started to do this yet, but it sounds like a great idea (can we add a couple hours of the day so that I can fit everything in?)

February 8, 2007
6:11 pm
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mj
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Thanks for answering that question. I was reading that most codependents had experienced non-nurturing childhoods and wanted to know!

February 8, 2007
8:58 pm
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soprano2
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I forgot to answer that one. My mom was fairly nuturing, although she dealt with depression and codependency all along. My dad was pretty much there in the physical sense but not much mentally or emotionally. He was too busy having affairs (or as he called it, "selling houses"--that was his cover)

February 8, 2007
10:29 pm
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mamacinnamon
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To finish my answer to your question MJ. YES, my mom didn't like me. I felt this way growing up. My sister was her favorite and I could do NOTHING right. So, she'd csall my dad to take me out on the job w/ him so I'd not be in her way. When I got older I still went w/ my dad a lot, but also my mom suffered severe depression and I took care of my sis and bros. My dad was always gone on a call. He's a vet and is on call 24/7.

Ok, now to the book. I opened this chapter and quickly shut it. Oh, no, this is what I need to face. I AM A REACTIONARY. I have always picked up when things were wrong. I would tense and get the shakes and not know why. Usually there was something negative about to happen.

I still have problems w/ reacting. I try to not but it's there. I have learned to not verbalize everything that comes to my mind, but i still get the tenseness and shakes. Ya'll know my health is bad. My neck is in constant spasm across the back of it. The muscles will not let up and so far nothing that has been done has helped. I even take 2 muscle relaxers, but still the spasm continues.

My ways of reacting are: yelling (not as much as used to tho), anger and then guilt after it's over for what I may have said or done or the other person just made me feel like crap. I feel more hurt than angry most the time. Worry is a problem I try to deal w/. I used to get horrible anxiety attacks, I don't now.

Is that how I would choose to behave or feel if I had a choice? No. I know I do have choices, but I still come away feeling hurt, angry, and defeated. I feel mostly when hubby and I get into it that I am just trying to defend myself.

February 8, 2007
10:30 pm
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mamacinnamon
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OH, I forgot to say good evening and who all is here???

Hope everyone is well and ready to do some discussing (or cussing).

🙂

February 8, 2007
10:36 pm
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bevdee
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Hey I'm here but I didn't read the chapter.

How are you this evening, MamaC?

February 8, 2007
10:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi Bevdee:

Was posting to Army on her thread. Sorry.

I'm doin ok. You?

February 8, 2007
10:41 pm
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ggfred4
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mj, your posts have really hit home. About the non-nurturing years...I really don't remember a lot about my childhood except for discipline and order. I don't remember being hugged, held, etc. I guess I was, just can't remember. I do remember always wanting other people to be my parents and my aunt told me that I used to hide in the back of her car because I wanted to live with her and they would have to come haul me out of the car each time they came to visit.

Also, about your h...Mine tried to tell me last night when and where I should talk on the phone and other rules that I should be following due to my responsibilities as mother and wife! Normally, I look and don't listen so he will think I am listening and will shut up. Yesterday, I yelled, "You can not tell me what I can and cannot do!" I repeated it twice as he continued ranting. Finally, he said, "No, I can not tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you are STUPID!" Yes, that hurt and at least he didn't call me a bitch, but it was new for me to stand up to him. I am learning more about myself and my behavior the last few months...

Activities that make me feel peaceful are taking a nice warm bath with aromatherapy body wash, being outdoors, listening to music, window shopping, and browsing through bookstores. This last paragraph was kind of hard for me, because I realized that I am not used to answering questions about what I like. I guess I am always thinking about what my family likes.

February 8, 2007
10:43 pm
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ggfred4
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Sorry, forgot to tell all of you hi. I didn't contribute last week because I really struggled with that chapter.

Hey bev! I haven't talked to you recently. Hope everything is okay with you.

February 8, 2007
10:47 pm
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mamacinnamon
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GG: HI

Hey, if you struggle w/ the chapter go ahead and come sit w/ us even if you don't want to contribute. You can still come be company.

Ya know, my hubby didn't use to call me names either. This is something new. His anger is not, but he gets set off at anything. Yesterday was because the sleds were in the back of the truck. So he moves them out and throws them across the yard. If he were gonna expend that much energy he could have at least put them up. Hell, I pick up after him enough.

Maybe something is in the water??

February 8, 2007
10:50 pm
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bevdee
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"1. Are you spending too much time reacting to someone or something in your environment? Who or what? How are you reacting? Is that how you would choose to behave or feel if you had a choice? "

I'm doing better at this. I can see when this is starting to happen, and I have a little talk with myself. Like when my mom's # pops up on the caller ID - I reach for the phone, and have to force myself to pull my hand away.

February 8, 2007
10:50 pm
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bevdee
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GG-
what is your favorite color?

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