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Codependent No More CHAPTER 5
January 29, 2007
12:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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CHAPTER 5 - DETACHMENT

Questions to ponder:

1. Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? Write about that person or problem. Write as much as you need to to get it out of your system. When you have written all you need to about this person or problem, focus on yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?

2. How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying "attached" worrying, obsessing, trying to control - helped so far?

3. If you did not have the person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different from what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living your life, feeling and behaving the way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize His hands gently and lovingly holding that person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well - better than you think.

January 29, 2007
7:25 pm
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white dove
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pity i cant detach myself from myself, things would be better for myself and everyone.

January 30, 2007
10:50 am
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mj
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Ok today visualizing Gods hand!

January 31, 2007
10:34 am
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mj
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Today asking for guidance from my HP so that I may detach and learn healthy behaviors.

January 31, 2007
10:47 am
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soprano2
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May you find the guidance you need to help you get through the day.

January 31, 2007
10:35 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I swear I am gonna have to put a calendar on my forehead so every time I look in the mirror I could see what day it is. This is the 3rd week I thought it to be Thursday and it is only Wednesday. lol. I'm ready for class. Was just putting a few more thoughts down. Oh my, I cannot believe three weeks in a row. I'm gonna go ahead and post as soon as i finish. That way if I forget tomorrow is Thursday then oh well.

Lord, help me to get my Wednesdays and Thursdays straightened out.

I roll my eyes here.

January 31, 2007
11:04 pm
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mamacinnamon
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This chapter came at a good time, but not so good time for me. I have a friend, B, that I have known many years. I have helped her raise her kids and worked w/ her regarding her relationship w/ her husband. I have actually been very involved w/ her relationship the last 6 years, but remember her always thinking he cheated on her the last 10 years.

Long story short, things have gotten increasingly worse in the last year. Worse to the point that I was taking her kids because the 6 yr old would just want her mom and her mom would push her away and curse and call her names and then lock the door so she couldn’t get in for her mom to hold her. She would scream at all the kids, especially S, 14 yr old. She pulled him from school 4 years ago and has done nothing toward his education in the last 4 years.

Things got to a volatile point and she started drinking, sleepin around w/ a 19 yr old, smokin dope w/ her son, etc. etc. etc. It got to a point the kids were at my door and had run the length of town because mom and dad were at it again. Ending to this point w/ them separated, dad filed, mom has bogus restraining order, social services has been called in (thank God) etc.

I had to detach. I told her I cannot condone her behavior toward her kids or what she is doing in front of and w/ them. I called and told her I have done my best to be a good friend and given her the best non-legal advice I could. She won’t listen; she doesn’t want to listen. So I said do not ever call me again. She hasn’t.

I emailed her mom to see how the kids are. I talked to others that are in contact w/ her to see how the kids are and her. I do care very much for her kids and her but cannot be a part of this craziness any longer. I have felt sad coz she hasn’t called me, but why would she, I told her not to. I do wonder how the kids are, if they are ok. Is it codependency if you are watching and keepin up on what’s goin on w/ the kids from a distance? I cannot see me never talking to B again, but who knows. But the kids all know that my door is always open to them.

January 31, 2007
11:23 pm
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bevdee
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MamaC

"That way if I forget tomorrow is Thursday then oh well."

You are too cute!!

February 1, 2007
2:01 am
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armyleo
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Okay "honest indian (injun)" here...I must admit that I soon as I saw the questions I immediately bolted and thought to myself no more, getting to close and too deep. Can't do it...They want me to walk out, sorry no can't do it.

So today I read the chapter and I was surprised, surprised at what detachment really is....

However, after reading the chapter I felt this ache in my stomach...like a worry ache....Like they want me to let go of my control...like I can't do this...I'm clutch the rope, and gritting my theeth like they say, and have raw burns on my hands, but the thought of letting go frightens me....

So I will sleep on it and answer the questions tomorrow. Stomach really does hurt...

February 1, 2007
2:02 am
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armyleo
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"walk out" meaning my marriage...

February 1, 2007
2:50 am
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mamacinnamon
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I posted this to Army on another thread and then thought that maybe there are others that feel as she does about this bein to much to handle right now. So, I am posting the same thing I said there now here. That way if there is anyone else that feels as Army does in that this chaper is to much to digest at this time they will know that nobody expects anyone to continue on or jump in w/o testing the water.

"Honey, I know this is a hard chapter to take. This is usually where I have lose others I have gone thru the book one-on-one w/, Here is what I tell them...

IF this is to soon for you to deal w/ it then don't. But if you are ever gonna move on then you must. We must all face our fears eventually or live in a little box and watch the world pass us by. I will be the first to admit that it does not feel like such a bad thing to sit in my box and watch the world pass me by, but eventually it will catch up w/ you. Instead of it bein ok to leave you behind eventually they replace you. You are left sitting in your box and they have found someone to take your place to go live life w/.

I am not trying to cause you more pain or illness. ((((holding you close)))). I just want to give you the facts.

IF this chapter is to much for you at this time then lets skip over it and go on to the next. Or maybe try a page a day instead of the whole thing. Honey, I am here to help you w/ your journey in any way I can. All you have to do is reach out and take ahold of my hand. Mine or Free's.

February 1, 2007
10:04 am
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soprano2
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What good advice. Detachment is hard and scary. But it helps you figure out what relationships are based on healthy boundaries. When you detach from "needy" relationships--you find you have much more time to deal with yourself and other healthy relationships.

February 1, 2007
10:42 am
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mj
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Detachment is a tool. You can choose to use or not use. Detachment isn't about getting rid of relationships. Detachment helps you to take care of your own life. When we get overly involved in others business, that's when the crazy's move in. Detachment is the tool we use to take loving care of ourselves and others. Sometimes detachment is done in anger, but the goal of detachment is for ourselves. Codependents focus on others allowing no time to live their own live. The goal is to put your life and needs in a priority role.

Yesterday I posted this on my thread and I am pasting it here today.
Good Morning 🙂 This month just flew by. Today was the deadline I set for myself to get employment. OK, so I will just have to move the deadline.

I went to my Coda meeting yesterday. One of our members with 18 years is moving. I became treasurer and another member took my previous position as Group Service Rep. It was a good meeting. I was sad to hear that the member is moving even though promises that the member would come back when in town. Change! Sometimes it is sad.

My daughter called and said that she is beginning to believe that her father is her blessing. He makes her smile and relax after her stressful day. I am happy for her that she is building a relationship with him and that she is believing in a Higher Power. I guess sharing what I am learning is helpful.

I have been thinking about Detachment. I think I do attach myself to people, places, and things. Attachment is becoming overly-involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled. According to the book,Codependent no more, Attachment can take several forms: "We may become excessively worried about and preoccupied with a problem or person, or we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our environment, or we may become emotionally dependent on the people around us, and we may become caretakers(rescuere,enablers) to the people around us."

"The problem with attachment are many. Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos. If we're focusing all our energies on people and problems, we have little left for the business of living our own lives."

Yesterday, my coda friend asked me to come over and hang out and help motivate her to not go back to bed and get her household responsibilities done this morning? Of course I said yes. I tossed and turned all night worry about it. She wants to take me to lunch at a gay hangout down the coast. This is a perfect example of people pleasing. I had to worry and obsess all night about how to get out of it. Am I forthright and just honest. Not interested! Or do I follow through and next time be honest right up front. This is the obsessing I do. I need practice with this. I don't like my behavior of rescuing or enabling or hurting myself to keep friends. I didn't even share my plans with hubby today because I know he wouldn't like it.

How am I feeling? Knotted up. Anxious, scared, unhappy, and unbalanced. This is the chaos.

I suppose this is my answer. If it doesn't feel right. Don't do it.

I guess I need to ask for courage from my HP to call my friend and be straight forward. I need to say NO, I have changed my plan for today.

I have a history of changing my mind. I now know why. I need to learn to say NO and let it go. I want to learn this lesson.

My friends problem with her motivation is her business. I have other responsibilities today. I am not sure if I even enjoy being her friend. I don't want to be paraded around today. I want my serenity back.

I want to take care of myself. "Detaching doesn't mean we don't care, it means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy." I want to find the freedom to live my life without excessive guilt. Yesterday, I drove my friend to the meeting. I smoke with the windows down and I still felt guilty. I don't want to feel guilty about my nicotine addiction. I have enough shame already that I am trying to reprogram to healthy behavior. I am obsessing again. Ok, I will take care of myself.

February 1, 2007
10:49 am
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mj
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How did I feel about detaching from my commitment? Guilty

I made the call. I didn't do it perfectly and I feel lots of internalized shame. I asked her if she minded if I petered out. She was very straight forward and said that I didn't have to say petered out because saying No is acceptable. Then she shared about a contractor who hasn't followed up with her on a service he was going to provide and that she would appreciate straight forwardness with him. She felt like he didn't want to work for her because she was a lesbian. I feel shame for not being honest with her about my feelings. I feel phony. I admire that she is accepting of who she is and makes no apologies for it. That's why I like being around her. I feel confused about why I feel the way I do. I feel like I have betrayed her by not telling her that it bothered me three weeks ago when I was feeling vulnerable and she looped her arm through mine. I feel confused if I was reading more into it. I am trying to be open-minded and accepting of her and I truly do like her. She is a Special person. I blame myself for being so petty over not wanting to go to a gay restaurant. She asked me if I wanted to go walking later. I declined that as my body just aches all over from the over exertion of lifting all those hay bales. Yesterday I made it through but today I still feel like everything hurts. Getting out of shapes sucks.

Hubby came home unexpectedly with the newspaper and does his normal "Get a Job" retort. He tells me that his friend wanted to know if I really wanted a job then there is one he will check in for me. I checked online through their website and I do not possess a associate degree in Business Administration or 8 years secretarial employment. I am going to apply any way because I feel like I have to prove to my husband its not me. Am I screwed up or what? All this negative self talk is hurling me further into the deep dark abcess of my soul. Yes, I am codependent.

February 1, 2007
12:00 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((( MJ ))))

You hang in there. 🙂

February 1, 2007
6:19 pm
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mj
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I will! Thanks for the Hug MamaC! See everyone at the book study tonight at 7:30 Pacific time.

February 1, 2007
8:29 pm
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Sopranon, MJ & mamacin,

Thanks for the encouraging words...

Okay here it is the answer to the 1st question.

I excessively worry about H. I've written so much and yet I haven't. I want the perfect marriage, I don't even want perfect any more I just want him to me me like his wife, I want to be respected. I want him to do family things with us. Spend time as a family. Although I think we're missing the boat, because the girls are growing up. I wanted them to experience a warm family life.

I want him to acknowledge me as an equal not toss me around as if I'm a piece of scum and don't count.

What am I thinking? Honestly that I've been at this for years, I've tried every which way to change, I keep hoping one day he will change. That one day I will experience the family life I have wanted.

What are you feeling? I've feeling sad, tired, for something that not happening, I'm scared of the future.

I'm mad that it hasn't changed, and really scared of facing the truth.

Free says I won't get annihilated, I never realized how much fear I have...I wondered if it's because it's been built up for so long, that it's this huge, huge gigantic wall, that feels impossible to overcome...

If I detach from the person I think, somehow I will loose myself, I will find out he never cared, he never loved, and when there is hope even a little spark, I grab at it.

How has staying "attached" helped? I thought I was helping make my marriage better, I thought I was in control...I thought I could change him...I thought one day he would... but maybe it hasn't helped so far...

Okay crying now...

I don't know what I would be doing different...I can't see myself wanting anything, but my little family life...at least that's how I see it now...When I was younger I had all these lofty ideas, we would travel together, we would host parties together, we would be the perfect family....Visualize myself feeling free, I guess, being able to do what I want with the kids without feeling guilty, or scared, or have to hide, the fact that we went somewhere...

I can't place him in God's hands because he doesn't believe, in him...and I know I'm suppose to place the problem in his hands, but it's hard, I'm scared to let go, I don't know why!!!

He hasn't fixed it now, why would I think it will change???? For years and years I've spent nights wide awake not sleeping, because he didn't come home, didn't know where he was...and because of his job, I never knew if he was hurt etc...

You want to know something I can't visualize Him holding me...It would cause me to break down, because I have always done this on my own...It's hard for me to accept the fact that I need help...I CAN:T LET GO I'm scared no-one is going to be there for me....

I'm sorry trust is hard....

February 1, 2007
8:32 pm
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bevdee
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Army

Do you remember when I told you help came to me in the most unexpected forms? You will be amazed at the help you will get and where it will come from - and especially that it will come from within yourself.

February 1, 2007
9:33 pm
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mj
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I have trust issues as well Army. It's okay to be where you are at today. We are all at the place where we are today. We are enough!

February 1, 2007
10:31 pm
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mamacinnamon
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HI ya'll:

I am here. Will be back in a few minutes.

February 1, 2007
10:33 pm
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mj
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Good Evening 🙂
I am present too!

February 1, 2007
10:36 pm
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bevdee
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Hi me too

February 1, 2007
10:37 pm
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mj
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Hi Bevdee!

February 1, 2007
10:46 pm
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armyleo
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soory, I don't think I can be here, my brother came over with his 3 kids, I'll come back as soon as I can.

February 1, 2007
10:47 pm
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mj
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Thanks Army for letting us know!

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