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Codependent No More CHAPTER 4
January 26, 2007
5:27 pm
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bevdee
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I was raised to be codep - my mother needed me to be her friend and cater to her moods. From the time she was born, I was to take care of my sister.

January 26, 2007
10:55 pm
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Isis
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mj- I'm not really sure. I think it was when I was in 4th grade. My mother had a hysterectomy and my Dad's mother came to help. My mom didn't particularly like her, so she used me to help with the daily house duties. She was a stickler for a clean tidy house (hers was not a home). My Yia Yia would vacuum or dust, and it wouldn't be up to my mothers standards. Hence, she would get out of bed and vacuum again herself while I pulled the canister behind her. I think this was about the time that she started getting dependent on the pain-killers. The history is long, and I'm not sure if this is the place to share it. I wouldn't want to side track what this thread was intended for. I love that this thread was started, it's given me a reason to participate and open up. It's not easy for me.

Bev- I'm reading a wonderful book right now. It's called My Sister's Keeper. Even though the circumstances are different, it makes me think of your situation.

Thank you ladies,
Isis

January 26, 2007
11:18 pm
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bevdee
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Isis

This is psychic. I am finally ready to open the sister box. I have been working on it for a few months.

I want to tell you that it's nice to see that you have taken off your coat. You gonna stay and visit? I hope so.

January 27, 2007
1:38 am
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Isis
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Absolutely.

The Sister Box... I have one of those too.

I must first find the courage to sort through the Mother Box before I open up the Sister Box.

A box inside of a box...

P.S. Garfield posted an amazing article over on the other side. It shed some light on panic disorder, thus shedding some light on me. Very enlightening it was.

January 27, 2007
8:19 am
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mj
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Thanks for sharing!

January 27, 2007
3:30 pm
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truthBtold
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Mamacinnamon,

I am thinking about starting another book study club based on the book: "Growing Yourself Back Up" Understanding Emotional Regression by John Lee and was wondering if you might have any objections?

Don't want to step on any toes here and was really wanting to get your thoughts.

Thanks.

January 28, 2007
10:35 am
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mamacinnamon
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Isis:

On the nitpicky thing...

That is a very hard one to let go but let me give you some insight on that if ok.

My mom was a very nitpicky (sp) person. So much so that we would go behind us after we dusted and finish our rooms when we didn't get it perfect. Not pick up the stuffed animals animals left on the floor, that we had to redo, but to turn the lamp just right, the doily w/ all the edges fluffed perfectly. She did not teach us to cook because we made to much of a mess of her kitchen and "she" didn't want to have to clean up after us. I guess the thought of making us clean up was out coz she always had to come behind us and do it "right".

What this did for us:

I had to teach myself to cook, which meant my evil x/hubby then, would throw my food out to the dogs and bash me for what a lousy cook I was. Good thing is I became a damn good cook, just didn't know it for 12 years. But that was one of the main things he used to make me into nothing.

My sister is now the most awful house keeper that if social services walked into her home they would immediately take the kids. I have cleaned up to help her start over and on her own at least 4 or 5 times but she just lets it go again. Her comment to me is... If my house is enough of a mess then mom won't want to come over. that's an excuse. Mom wouldn't want to come over if it were one fourth as bad, but it's not just clutter, it's filth and she has a child in the yellow zone of asthma all the time.

Mom bein the way she was about letting us know she had to go behind us was detrimental to each of us in one way or the other. Even if she hadn't thrown it in our faces on a regular basis and we'd have just observed her going behind us would have had it's negative effects on us.

So, I decided to be the mom that went behind the kids and not let them see me refold the towels, etc. Until one day one of my kids, smart mouths they do have at times, said to me "why should we fold the towels if you are gonna redo it after we are gone". Slap me coz my mom's actions flooded my head just as if I had been her.

So now I have the kids fold and if they are just bein sloppy then they must refold. If they make an honest effort to do a good job then I let it be until the next time This is extremely hard to do when you open the closet and it is in such an array of mess, but my two kids on their own do fold their towels and clean up after themselves pretty well.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad in any way about bein nitpicky, but just wanted to show you from one on the receiving end that when a child knows mom will do it for them then they just don't care enough to try. And, if they know mom will redo then why bother. I found that out the hard way.

January 28, 2007
10:44 am
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mamacinnamon
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TBT:

I think the book study you propose will be a very good one. I would like to attend also, but I know for me only one at a time works best. I have tried to keep up w/ two before and I'm just not that talented. I miss info when I do that.

This book has 20 chapters; 16 left. I would have to throw it up for discussion but I personally think we could complete in 8 weeks, doing 2 chapters a week from this point on. I would propose we do this anyway because in 16 weeks more folks will fall off from the study bein to long. So, what say ya'll? Two chapters per week now?

TBT, would you want to wait 8 weeks and do one after the other? I think you would have more attenders then, but I also know each of us are working on our own problems at different levels. The decision is up to you honestly.

I am going to post Chapter 5 and chapter 6 later this afternoon but would like some input on if you want them posted separately or together. Please do let me know. I'll post at 3pm cst w/ the majority of the input bein the deciding factor.

January 28, 2007
10:51 am
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mamacinnamon
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Isis & Bevdee:

On the sister box and the mother box. If it pertains to something that has brought it up on this chapter then please do go right ahead and post it. I have a sister and a mother box also. So, feel free to continue on please. No toe stepping here. I'll join in.

January 28, 2007
11:11 am
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ggfred4
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mamac, struck a chord here...I did the same thing with my kids; went behind them without them knowing...or at least I think they didn't know...My dad raised us "military style" and our rooms were "inspected"...yes, he actually called it our weekly inspection. I remember him taking a broom under our beds and nothing better be under there. I thought I was teaching my kids responsibility, but then I had to go behind and do it my may...especially the way they made their beds...

I keep reading about you and the others here with your mother and sister boxes. Got me thinking...I just throw everything in a closet...call it gg's closet. I just throw it in, stuff it in, force the closet closed until I want to deal with it...I haven't wanted to deal with it yet, but that closet stays so full. Some days I venture in and think I am dealing with an item or two, but I hurry and race out of there because of the confusion. Maybe one day I should organize my closet into boxes too???

January 28, 2007
2:32 pm
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mj
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Hi Mamacinnamon and All,

I have been enjoying reading all the chapters that I am at chapter 11. I think anyway you want to present the book study is Great! I love being able to discuss each chapter and I for one would be willing to keep it simple with a chapter a week. Its up to you! Thanks for doing this book study!

January 28, 2007
6:57 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Thank you MJ. I hold your opinion of good authority. I do want to hear from others also. Specially since there is a book study wanting to start on support.

I am at a delimma because I know they want to start a book study in support also. So, Army, GG, and anyone else let me know...

1 chapter per week

2 chapters per week

I'll wait to post a few more hours. Need to anyway coz we've had quite the day here anyway. Custody dispute problems. Not mine tho. (thank God)

January 28, 2007
7:26 pm
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bevdee
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MamaC and everyone

I just read this after posting my LONG thread. Should I apologise for being me Long-winded? It's "The tapestry I wove with my sister" and it is so long.

If you read it and think it is appropriate, I will paste it over here.

January 28, 2007
7:34 pm
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bevdee
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GG-

I have to open those boxes one at a time.

January 28, 2007
8:19 pm
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mamacinnamon
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BevDee:

I'll check out your thread. I think if you posted one already we should just foin ya'll where you are.

I'll post on the Tapestry thread.

January 28, 2007
11:05 pm
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ggfred4
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mamac, I can only speak for myself...One chapter a week is enough for me with work...besides I like seeing where the thread goes and how people add to it and that takes awhile...but, I will go with the flow....

January 28, 2007
11:12 pm
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armyleo
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Sorry haven't been around much. I think once a week for the book is okay with me.

If another book study want's to start, I think that's okay also. Like someone said....we are in all different stages here...

I go back and re-read, and at times, the second time, I understand something more.

However I will go with the flow....

January 29, 2007
12:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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ok 1 BOOK A WEEK it will be.

Chapter 5 is posted

January 29, 2007
3:11 pm
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soprano2
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Sorry I am late on getting in on this. I don't usually have access on the weekends.

I think that one chapter a week is good.

I know that some people will fall off. Some people might lose interest. Some people might get interested in other book studies. That is okay.

As Army reminded us--we are all in different stages.

One chapter a week will lead to some more in depth studying. And it will give everyone time to implement some of the things if they choose to.

That doesn't mean looking ahead isn't too bad. I know that since I have read it (now on my third time)--I get different insights when I read again, or when someone talks about it in a different way.

That is what is so cool about this site--you can go back and look later and see what was talked about--whether it is a couple days later, or months later.

An interactive journal of men and women all over the world trying to find healing and encouragement--

Somethig to be proud of, really.

March 1, 2007
10:53 pm
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mj
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