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Codependent No More CHAPTER 4
January 25, 2007
11:29 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Goodnight GG.

January 25, 2007
11:31 pm
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armyleo
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Wow mamacin...You've come a long way!!!

January 25, 2007
11:32 pm
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mj
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I use to be a controller. I hated the chaos from my childhood so I controlled everything to avoid chaos. Unfortunately, it brought me more chaos and more pain. People felt like they were constantly walking on eggshells around me and asking me for the script I wanted them to read. It was awful. Then I discovered that I only have control over my actions and responses. My behaviors and my thoughts.

January 25, 2007
11:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I think affirmations are important. they say it takes 14 positives to undo 1 negative. One affirmation I like especially well is a saying... "Lord teach uf to laugh, but God don't ever let us forget that we cried."

Not one that is typical, but to me one that give permission, says it's ok to move on, but to also look back and not make the same mistakes.

January 25, 2007
11:34 pm
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bevdee
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"http://www.m-w.com/dictionary.htm"

Army - this might help - Merriam Webster online dictionary.

January 25, 2007
11:35 pm
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armyleo
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Affirmation: I was going to be here. I didn't realize how much I wanted to be here, until I couldn't get the computer to work. I am happy I didn't give up.

January 25, 2007
11:35 pm
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mj
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🙂

January 25, 2007
11:37 pm
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mj
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Hi Bevdee, glad you could join us!

January 25, 2007
11:38 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I used to control also. I was in charge of everything. I still am even in this marriage, but in this marriage he says ok just take care of it. Then, tho, it was like i HAD to be in control or I would lose it.

I did tho find that I may be doing 99 percent of everything because I know i can trust me. Trust is a BIG issue in this marriage. If I control everything then he has little room to hurt me or make me feel inadequate.

January 25, 2007
11:39 pm
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mj
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I am so verbal. I just feel so passionately about recovery! I just want to pour out what is in my heart and soul and share how it has worked in my life. I will listen to you all share now.

January 25, 2007
11:39 pm
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armyleo
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mj, something you said hit home. About walking on eggshells around you. I try to control, how everyone behaves, when my husband is around, I even I guess try to control him. Thinking back, I think it's been uncomfortable. I think part of it is me. I don;'t let things flow naturally, and I notice, that I go to the opposite extreme.

January 25, 2007
11:41 pm
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mj
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What is important is to just start observing your own behavior. I notice still how I make suggestions that are never asked for. I know people resent this.

January 25, 2007
11:42 pm
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bevdee
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Hi mj

I had a boyfriend once tell me he was sick of me tring to ramrod everything. It took a long time to realise that I did it, even to the point of trying to "steer" conversations. God!! My mom does that and I HATE it! This guy helped me see that I did it, and it's kinda cool to be in a more spontaneous atmosphere, and I feel less pressure within myself.

January 25, 2007
11:43 pm
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mj
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Boundaries help keep the bad out and the good can still get in.

January 25, 2007
11:44 pm
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armyleo
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That's it on the controlling, I feel like I will loose it...don't want to do that.

mj, you are great, you ask questions bring your expereinces here. I think this is the first time, I'm doing any type of self help. When you talk about what you've been through it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

I hope it's helping you too.

January 25, 2007
11:45 pm
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mj
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Hey Bevdee, It is freeing to only have to be responsible for oneself! When I catch myself doing it even today, I laugh because it is funny how old habits die hard.

January 25, 2007
11:46 pm
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mj
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Yes, Army. It is so nice to know that others suffer similar symptons and there is a name for it. We can come together and support each other and know that there is hope! I love the WE in Codependents. We ARE never alone!

January 25, 2007
11:48 pm
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armyleo
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Hi everyone, I really like the conversation here, however it might be late for others. IF it is let me know. I have to get the girls to sleep soon.

Hi bevdee thanks for the site. I just bookmarked it.

mj, we will have to talk about bounderies some time. Whenever I see the word. I think I have my boundaries, I have my big wall up around me. nothing can hurt.

January 25, 2007
11:48 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Army:

I am glad you are feeling so empowered. It's great to give up the control, but here is one thing I found that I did. Didn't even realize it, but it is true.

I gave up on the controlling everyone. I gave them their chores to do, I let hubby decide when he was gonna work or not gonna work. BUT what I found next is that yes, I verbally gave up the control, but if the task was not done in MY timing then I'd just go do it myself. Then I'd be angry coz they didn't do their share.. hey did not try. Anyone else do this?

January 25, 2007
11:52 pm
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bevdee
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Army you brought up a great point. What is the difference between a wall and boundaries?

A wall - does anything permeate it? I think of a brick wall erected around me.

Boundaries - I guess would be more like a filter? A flour sifter?

I hope that doesn't sound lame!! Does anyone have any interpretations?

January 25, 2007
11:53 pm
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mj
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I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud! Excellent resource for learning Boundaries.

Mamac, resentments happen because we have expectation of others. We expect them to do what we want them to do. If they are kids, then that's discipline. A relationship with equal partners is different. Each person has a right to choose for themselves. No one wants to be dominated. I know that one sooo well. I think free will is so important in a relationship.

January 25, 2007
11:53 pm
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armyleo
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I find the girls lately within the past month keep telling me I'm nagging them.

I do find, that I'm telling them more what they have to do. study grades, homework etc.

How do I get my point across without not saying anything. Now they have caught on, as soon as they say the word nag, I shut up, which is also not right.

I guess, since I sort of started neglecting them. Meaning if they did homework on there own it was fine, if they didn't I didn't even ask, it's like I wasn't after them. Now that I am, they don't like it.

Where is the happy medium??

January 25, 2007
11:55 pm
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mj
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Boundaries are limits you set on yourself. They help you to keep yourself safe but also open enough to receive love.

January 25, 2007
11:56 pm
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armyleo
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Bevdee - I understand the brick wall real well.

I'm having trouble with your other explaination, it's sounded like a crumbling wall, which would mean hurt can get in.

January 25, 2007
11:57 pm
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mj
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AS a Parent, I think its your responsibility to guide and nurture your children. Setting guidelines and giving them choices. You can study now for an hour or you can play for an hour then study. Which do you chose?

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