Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Codependency No More CHAPTER 3
January 18, 2007
8:53 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We will be posting a new thread for each Chapter. Thursday evenings a few of us are meeting to discuss at the same time; 10:30PM est; 9:30PM cst; 7:30PM pst. Anyone is welcome to join at that time, but best would be to post when you would like. At this time we are uncertain as to when we will move on to each chapter and will inform you when the decision is made. As usual ALL input is welcome.

CODEPENDENT NO MORE – CHAPTER 3

To state first... because of copyright laws we cannot post any chapter in it’s entirety. Parts of the chapter are ok, but not the chapter in it’s entirety. That said...

January 18, 2007
8:53 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

CHAPTER 3 – CODEPENDENCY

Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy reaching back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death. – Colette Dowling

Questions for ponder: 1. How would you define codependency? and 2. Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who? Talk about that person and your relationship. What are your feelings?

We started this last week on the thread Codependent No More – Everyone Welcome. There is a lot there so I didn’t think copy/pasting would be good, but ya’ll are welcome to read and comment here would be best.

I would like to copy/paste this question since it has not been answered and we will start our discussion w/ this question this evening, including the above for this session. (hope you don’t mind Army)

January 18, 2007
8:54 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

armyleo
16-Jan-07

I wanted to bring something up from chpt 3

basically it says that recovery doesn't lie with the other person...but in ourselfs.

In the way we have let other people's behavior affect us, or affect them by controlling, obsessing, obessive "helping" low self worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abudnance o anger and guilt, dependency,...etc pg 36

It also says that abandoment of self, communicatio prolems, intamacy problens and whirlwind trip through the (five-stage grief process???)

Here's the kicker...

I always thought because I controlled, or I controlled, how I wanted to behave, happy, not bothered, went on with life, that I was doing good. not all the above....

armyleo
16-Jan-07

I guess I didn't realize I was going through all that... WOW that's alot of stuff...

I always thought because I handled it well without anyone knowing that I was doing good...

I also didn't realize I controlled...and that bothers me...because I guess I don't like the idea of someone controlling me.

armyleo
16-Jan-07

I don't understand the grieving comment, unless I guess you left a relationship but then it's not really grieving,

I guess I equate grieving with the loss of a loved one.

All the above, makes us look bad, and now the other person looks good, the others who made us like this...I don't get it..

January 18, 2007
10:07 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi - this is interesting to me -

"I guess I equate grieving with the loss of a loved one."

I am finding that it is more the loss of what I thought was love. What I told myself was love. My idea of love.

It gets confusing. I believe I grieved for the loss of the illusion.

January 18, 2007
10:13 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My definition of codependency is having patterns of behavior that are getting in the way of me enjoying life fully.

January 18, 2007
10:15 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bevdee

I totally understand what you are saying. It is like you need to grieve the loss of what you thought "should have been" or "could have been". Or maybe it is like grieving about the feeling of failure. Kinda strange to explain it.

But when I think about it now, those feelings are the same.

January 18, 2007
10:18 pm
Avatar
cpt1212
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my personal definition of copendency is focusing on someone elses needs instead of my own

January 18, 2007
10:24 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my definition would be sacrificing who and what you are for the sake of other things and people.

January 18, 2007
10:28 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI ya'll. I'm here but finishin up dinner, be back in 5.

Keep talkin, sounds great.

January 18, 2007
10:38 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It has been easier for me to focus on someone else's problems. Then I don't have to look at myself.

January 18, 2007
10:39 pm
Avatar
cpt1212
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i love your definition soprano2

January 18, 2007
10:44 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wanted to say the same of yours.

I am a big fan of Tori Amos, and she said it right in a song once:

"Why do we crucify ourselves, everyday?"

She has many codependent songs throughout her cd's.

I think we all at times focus on someone else's problems because it is very hard to look at ourselves as culprits. We have grown up in a society where we learn "it's not me" or "it wasn't me" very early. It is hard to change that type of thinking.

And then we get someone in our life who starts telling us how awful we are, and we suddenly realize that they may be right--no wonder our wires get mixed up.

Or maybe just the opposite--how wonderful we are because we "do so much for them"--we end up learning to be happy we need to sacrifice everything for them.

Both sides of this are very hard to deal with.

January 18, 2007
10:45 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

maybe it's like greiving the feeling of failure. Great point. I'd never thought of it in that manner before, but I think the thought of others seeing or thinking we are a faulure is (cannot think of the word) ... like a deer stopping in headlights... that kind of feeling. Cannot move, go forward, backward, cannot think. That hold kept me in an abusive marriage for 12 years.

January 18, 2007
10:52 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bevdee said ..."It has been easier for me to focus on someone else's problems. Then I don't have to look at myself."

I guess I always thought as long as I can focus on someone else, than I don't have a problem,..

This is where I get confused though

I'm always told I don't do things right, I'm dumb whatever, so then I feel everything I'm told. Everything is my fault...

So how can co-dependents be both good point Soprano..

January 18, 2007
10:58 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"I'm always told I don't do things right, I'm dumb whatever, so then I feel everything I'm told. Everything is my fault..."

Ahhh, maybe HE needs to focus on you. Because I think an abusive son of a bitch must just be terrified to peek inside his own bad self.

January 18, 2007
11:00 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes mama you are right...

Seeing that we failed, we cannot keep it together, even though you try like heck...

It's like you stuck, and when you start recognizing it and trying to improve, you start sinking...people want you to do things before you are ready, and then you think you can't move forward until you do, so you don't even go backwards, you feel llike your in quicksand, and now no one is going to see to help...You want help your waving but unless you take that leap, which you can't because your in quick sand...

I guess I'm not like most...Or I'm to far in the quicksand, I need someone to pull me out, not me leap out.

Ah I'm not making sense but that's okay, I'm glad we have others.

January 18, 2007
11:01 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I want healthy relationships. When I was writing my resume the other day I realized that most of my relationships have gone bad so I had no references. Same pattern of my lifetime. I want to be able to find healthy people to enjoy life with. I always get angry, hurt, disappointed. I wonder what is wrong with me. Are my expectations too high? Am I too critical?

January 18, 2007
11:06 pm
Avatar
cpt1212
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i want people in my life that don't need something from me

January 18, 2007
11:06 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can relate to feeling like you are in quicksand and can't leap out. I had a counselor tell me once that if I had a friend in a pit that kept wanting me to pull her out would I be willing to end up in the pit and both of us being stuck or would I send a ladder down and let my friend walk up the ladder while keeping myself out of the pit. I thought it was interesting that I always jumped right in the pit before! Still do at times. 🙂

January 18, 2007
11:07 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with that statement cpt.

January 18, 2007
11:08 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are making perfect sense. I cannot honestly say when I took that leap that I would not have gotten sucked back in other than a lady came and helped me. She was hard on me and not very sympathetic, if at all. She made me see truth, she kicked my butt when I wanted to just give in and go back, but I didn't want to go back and I didn't want to go forward coz it was hard. But, Army, when I got thru the initial crap of it all and learned to stand then I was ready to leap on my own.

It's good to have someone you can fall back on and that will kick your butt and tell you to get up and move on when you feel like giving up. That is one of the things we are here for. But everyone, not just you, is different and takes things at different paces. So, we have to be hard on some, soft w/ others, and some we just cannot do anything for. But we are here for YOU in whatever capacity you need us to be.

January 18, 2007
11:15 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OFF the subject, but while ya'll are still around.... Is this type setup ok? are there suggestions? Also, I am not sure on the putting a deadline on the chapter. How much? when? S2, I could use your help here.

January 18, 2007
11:18 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj, I think from reading the book, the first couple of chapters I vaguely remember this being said...We always help, etc., set our feeling aside, of what "we"/ "I" really want...then we can really get disappointed, angry and hurt, because the others don't respond, like we would like them to...

I think for me I didn't realize but I guess I've always had a big wall around me...and looking back if people came too close I would back off, etc...Then I would be angry and hurt because, they got the hint and backed away...Where I really wanted to be closer to them and have friends.

January 18, 2007
11:22 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cpt...I guess I never knew people needed something from me...I always just did what was expected, stuff to make it work, keep peace etc.

I don't know...sometimes this is ALL to confusing...sometimes I think I contradict myself...

I see your point...

January 18, 2007
11:30 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been looking at my own behaviour. In the past, with people I thought I wanted to like me - I tried to please them- by giving fake compliments, making them laugh, giving advice, doing them favors. Not sharing my true self.

With men, it was being flirty. Etc.

But I don't like it when I sense someone is trying to kiss my backside. I mistrust it, and wonder what that person is up to.

I am still learning not to offer anything but my self. My honest self.

It's hard to break a pattern.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111138
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
OsbornWebb, alpino12, Warnisses, degastro, kojuyu, NathanielClark
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information