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Codependency is a myth
February 1, 2005
7:27 pm
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sewunique
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Free, OMW?

In what sense do you mean 'free'? Perhaps you feel free eoungh to feel comfortable of what codepnedency means to you? Or free that are comfortable with who you are and have the tools to go on from today to be your best self?

Just what do you mean by "free"? 🙂

February 1, 2005
7:31 pm
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sewunique
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Ren'ai, I'm lol.... at least you feel comfortable with yourself to share this easily mistaken item! I often wish to type omw for oh my word, not in deflecting from OMG, no. But I don't use it here much as it can easily be mistaken for OMW's nick name. That was cute of you.

February 1, 2005
7:40 pm
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on my way
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Hi Sew,
Free as in not tangled up in the dauily thoughts of "I am codependent, and that means I can't have..I can't enjoy life, because I have this "illness" or this thought process. I over analyze, or I used too anyway. So I feel free as if I am moving forward, enjoying the moment of now...without having to control it or everyone around me. Me the control freak...even down to underlying expectations....just one day at a time I guess.
So what does everyone else think about:
Freedom vs Codependency. Can you have both at the same time? dumb question I know, but humor me. 🙂

February 1, 2005
7:41 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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No. I wasn't in the shower. I was having dinner.

We are all inter-related, yes. In that predicamate we all contribute to our welfare and our lack there of.

Thus the confusion in the word, codependent. Since I cannot live without others on the most simplistic level there is I, myself, am codependent.

I am reliant on those around me, be it the 7-11 clerk for my cigarettes or the family I live with for the roof over my head. Although I pay the clerk for the cigarettes his welfare is also in my interest. So is my family's.

So are your's, to a degree. Thus to say I am codependent, seems almost pejorative when taken to the extreme context of its meaning. Now perhaps if I felt it neccessary to agree with everyone here and not assume my own postion, I suppose that I would be slightly sick.

The family I am living with doesn't force me to do the most humiliating work there is to do around the house. They appreciate all that I contribute and it is in my interest to insure that they receive something for my stay here.

I suppose, that if they were abusive, I might find myself under duress and perhaps carry over, into my next living situation, and the adjascent areas of my life some habits that were dedicated to avoiding conflict and minimizing the impact the environment had on me.

But is that codependency? That's more like accute stress disorder or PTSD. I would submit another term, to use instead of codependency:

Abusive Reactive Disorder - A prevalent pattern of behavior in which the person applies addaptive behaiviors and thinking, acquired from being in an abusive relationship for any length of time longer than six months, in multiple social situations and areas of life that exist outside of the causal relationship. ARD may be comorbid with one or more personality dissorders.

In any case, I want more inuendos from Ren'ai before I take my shower.

February 1, 2005
7:43 pm
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on my way
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UH...should I cahng my nickname so that everyone does not get confused???

THAT WAS A JOKE!!!! hahahahahahahaha.

February 1, 2005
7:51 pm
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I can honestly say, that I adapted behaviors from living in an abusive marriage. It has taken me forever to feel normal, but I finally am beginning too, after 18 yrs of marriage, and 5 years divorced. I lost myself in my marriage, and was not present in a previous relationship.

February 1, 2005
7:54 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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What has made you get better since then OMW?

February 1, 2005
8:01 pm
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I removed myself from an abusive environment, then was able to touch the difference. I knew my situation was not right, or healthy, but was powerless to do anything about it, as it was a never ending circle of insanity. Being away from it, loving myself, seeing what I am capable of doing on my own, and I love God. And I know that I am loved by my boys. Life is good, I hope I do not grow old alone, and I hate to have that "hope" attitude, but I still get stuck in the box once in awhile.

February 1, 2005
8:14 pm
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I don't think you'll end up alone. If it helps you any, I'm quite single too, and try and focus my energy here until I'm employed. I'll still probably be here after I find a job but until then, it's good for me to volunteer here because I get to be the person I want for my better half, when I find her, or she finds me.

February 1, 2005
8:18 pm
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on my way
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I'm sure you will find her. She will most likely be attracted to your no nonsense, stable attitude, sensae of humor, and you seem very caring as well. My best wishes to you to find that perfect girl.

February 1, 2005
8:23 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Likewise. I'm sure your thoughtfulness and empathy will be found refreshing to your next beau.

February 2, 2005
12:09 am
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Ren' ai-
how unfortunate that pooh fell into the clutches of disney. how very very sad. I mean, it could have happened because he is an overly trusting bear of very little brain. But this association with a billion dollar mediocre media conglomeration... well he's really not that kind of bear at all.

🙁
-ella

February 2, 2005
12:47 am
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Pooh is awesome.

February 2, 2005
12:51 am
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Pooh is good.

February 2, 2005
1:03 am
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Pooh loves honey.

February 2, 2005
1:11 am
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Phalic_Liberator
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He likes Piglet too.

February 2, 2005
1:40 am
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Well Piglet is Special. Well, Everyone is speciall but Piglet is Brave. Even though he is a Very Small Animal.

February 2, 2005
12:04 pm
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Cici
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I have struggled with the term "codependency" myself. Heck for the first 4 years I was posting here I refused the label. Only in the last 2 years or so while my life has disintegrated from my denial and lack of appropriate coping skills have I begun to understand my issue.

I liken it to addiction. I have an extremely addictive personality, and for the most part I refer to my codependent maladaptive behaviors as "relationship addiction" - although to be honest it's not any relationship, the man has to fit certain criteria to trigger my addictive fit. He has to be alcoholic. He has to have severe emotional issues and low self-esteem. He has to be physically aggressive and emotionally abusive. Put me alone in a room with a man like that and I'll have him naked in 30 minutes. hahaha. that was a joke.

February 2, 2005
12:38 pm
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Anonymous
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Cici, It's easy to get those kinds of men naked. The problem is getting them to get dressed and go HOME!!! And I'm not joking...

Gosh, where do I begin...

Obviously, I'm thinking a great deal (no pun intended, maybe) about my weight. My mom just had angioplasty and I'm not getting any younger here. I'm struggling, though, because I'm "codependent" on my fat, which is ample enough to be the equivalent of another person. I sort of see my fat as another person, in a way. It protects me from people that aren't interested in "who" I am. I feel like I won't be "molested" again, or "raped" again because of it, although I know this isn't reality. Women of all shapes, sizes, and appearances are molested and raped.

I just watched this Farrelly Bros. movie called "Stuck on You" about conjoined twins. It was very funny, but very real--at least for me. I can identify with feeling like it is time for me to separate from this other person that I carry with me everywhere. At the same time I want the security I feel. I don't know how to choose between the two.

What I do know is that when I'm ready to be thin and healthy I will be. I feel so conflicted. How can I feel the way I do about fat? It doesn't make any sense, I'm sure, to most people but these feelings are very real for me.

I agree that Pooh should not have ended up in the hands of Disney. They will ruin him! (I write this as I sit here wearing a Pooh shirt--just part of the commercialization of the poor fella...)

I'm not sure I made any sense at all just now...

Phalic, how was your dinner? What has put you in this situation where you are living with friends? Is it the unemployment thing? What do you want to do for a living? You might look at alcohol/drug counseling. Seems like there might be something in that for you, and there is a definite need for it these days!

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 2, 2005
12:47 pm
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Piglet is brave, and what is the donkey's name? Can't remember, but he keeps going no matter what...at least he is consistent.

February 2, 2005
12:49 pm
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Eyeore. He is my favorite character. He is always depressed, and such a drama queen in a monotoned way. The exact opposite of Tigger, who is so energetic that he ends up leaving a path of destruction in his wake...

Ren'ai

February 2, 2005
1:40 pm
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And everyone always loved him regardless...friends until the end. They did not try to change him, just let him be who he was.

Then there is Rabbit...compulsive...
Guess we can learn alot from these little guys even as an adult. Thank you A.A. Milne!

February 2, 2005
2:12 pm
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Cici
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I have a stuffed Eyeore that comes out of my closet when I am unattached. I have to have something to cuddle. Recently I realized, though, that I have gotten real life animals to replace the stuffed ones since the real ones eat the stuffed ones on a regular basis.

I've heard this a lot - using fat as an insulator - especially with recovering trauma victims. I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb myself. What's better? Well hey, on the cocaine diet you, too, can lose an awful lot of weight in a week.

Thing is - I haven't even been heavy, but since being raped I often feel very disconnected from my body. It's a reaction to the trauma I think.

February 2, 2005
2:31 pm
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A disconnected feeling IS a symptom of trauma. I'm sorry that happened to you, Cici.

February 2, 2005
4:02 pm
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Cici
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thanks, pl...me too. but then again all the things that have happened contributed to the creature who types before you, and she's pretty ok.

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