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Codep version of "white knuckling it"
July 22, 2008
1:56 am
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This was headed for support side, I can really use some, but I was nervous about borrowing phrases from the program and going against guidelines so I'm putting it here so people can speak as freely as they wish.

Anyway, I haven't exactly ended no contact, but I almost did. After 2 1/2 years. What would you call that? Besides stupid. I sent my ex, not one, but two emails. Short but sweet. Real concerned but detached an all. Yeah right. "Hope you are doin okay in a better place with your family yadda yadda yadda." bullsh**.

We all know what that was about. Least I do. Like I could care less if he's happy. Thing is I"M NOT. But I do have to wonder after the drop off of periodic unanswered calls if he is 1) in jail, 2) dead 3) with another sucker 4) actually in recovery (yeah right).

Point is, why do I care after all this time? I can't get on with my life? HOnestly the answer is no to a degree.

You all know what? I have DREAMS, both good and bad, about this guy EVERY night. I am a vivid dreamer maybe because I am not a sound sleeper. I wish it would stop, but it won't. I want to bury this, it hurts and he hurt me why can't I treat it like that?

It's like I want to imagine I am wrong because the truth of seeing that I allowed myself to be in such a horror story of a so called relationship for years is so scary. How could I have been that blind, that desperate, and still not over it? I mean this guy was a major con artist. Or am I wrong about that? You see... I still don't have clarity. I know I had to get out, but why does it still feel so bad that I go and do something so dumb after so much "progress."

I wouldn't even let this guy into my new place even if he did write back. So why would I write to someone I think that little of?

Major slip. I know, you are thinking "Get yee to a CODA meeting ASAP!" Well, those were never my meetings. I know I need to get over the issues I have with them, and if anyone cares to talk to me I need help with that. I am bipolar (depressive with suicidal psychotic breaks in my past, hence the diagnosis). Also history of substance abuse. I feel like I'm mostly at the other end of what is being discussed when I go to Al-ANon meetings, though I do get the whole codep thing too... I get a little distracted and confused. I can't explain. Has anyone had this issue with meetings? I was in NA and was fine there, but that doesn't make sense right now either. Maybe I will go to AA, meetings are "cleaner" and I would have less chance running into temptation. Yes, I get that low.

Yes, I go to therapy. But I need more sometimes. Staying on this site too much keeps me chained to the computer and not around real people where I need to be, no matter how crappy I feel. But I need some courage and some sorting out. Anyone?

help,
ella

July 22, 2008
2:08 am
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Not that you all aren't "real people!" You know what I mean, I need to get out more, around a support system in my area.

Open mouth, dislodge foot.

July 22, 2008
9:19 am
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CraigCo
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Mzrella,

I think I know what you mean about the meetings not working for you.

I had reached a plateau in my growth at meetings & had subsequently stopped ging for awhile.

If it's not working for you then don't go.
When the time feels right for you then you can go again.
It is one way to get out and have some social interaction. That's something that many of us have to push ourselves to do sometimes but it can have a positive effect on us over time I believe.

Sometimes loneliness & codependency can drive a person to do things like contacting someone who we know isn't good for us.
I've been guilty of that myself. At least we are aware of it though, so we aren't stupid by any stretch.

Have you taken any meds for your condition?

Crg

July 22, 2008
9:30 pm
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Craigco-

Hi. Thank you for responding to me. The boards are so busy tonight, there are a few threads I want to post on, but I need to clear my head and go lie down for a bit.

Yes, the social interaction of the meetings was nice and only one of the many comforts of being there. But my fears are grounded in my history and past performance- so I'm just playing it safe until I can approach things with a better head.

I am in therapy and take depakote for my bipolar. Anything in addition to that sends me straight to the hospital with some sort of depressive dip (usually resulting in substance abuse in the past to curb the pain or anxiety, or suicide attempts, or both). In the past only lithium or depakote work for me, and they work pretty much immediately to get me stabalized, but do not take away a lot of the depression. It just goes to show that there definitely is a chemical part of this that comes into play. But there are real life "issues" that become part of the weave and complicate matters.

The lonely thing is pretty large for me right now, I'm pretty lonely. Sometimes I go out with some friends. But I don't have any close friends, no one I can truly rely on. Believe me, I've tried a lot of things to "get myself out there," and I am not done yet... but I"m getting sick of it.

I don't have enough fun or people to have it with, much less a good support system. My family is okay for somethings, but they all are a little wacky themselves and we don't always get along. I'm sick of being alone already and feeling like most people I thought loved me in the past really didn't, that it was about something else- maybe that's all I'm capable of, or worthy of, I"m sick of feeling unlovable, isolated and invisible. How could this happen? Was I this oblivious to things before or did my life really change all that radically? Hard to say...

-e

July 23, 2008
1:21 am
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sdesigns
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((((Ella))))

I know we've talked about this before, but have you made any progress in doing things by yourself?

Weren't you comtemplating taking a little trip and taking your dog along? Finding a motel that would accomodate dogs?

Sometimes just getting out of the house can improve my mood, if I stay in too much its too tempting to be negative and feel sorry for myself.

I've gotten to where I enjoy planning things to do by myself. Its either that or don't go at all, and I'd rather go.

My birthday is coming up so I am making a list of things I want to do that day. I'm not counting on anyone joining me, just planning on spending the day by myself. If it turns out differently- fine- but I'm going to do something fun that I want to do no matter what. So far my choices are: Go to the Aquarium and go whale watching for the day and then stop for lunch at a Greek restaurant that I've been to before and LOVED; or go to the Pier and ride the new ferris wheel and have lunch somewhere along the Promenade; or go to the zoo and see the baby gorillas.

Ever do anything like that?

SD

July 23, 2008
1:07 pm
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alicenwonderland
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Mz,

It's ok to take a step back to figure things out. The only problem with that is the accompanying lonliness. It's like a double edge sword. Be sure to get out as much as possible where you can interact with others. Try speaking to someone in the grocery line or in line at your favorite fast food place. These interactions are non threatening, but do help fill the void of human interaction. One of my favorite thing to do when I am lonely is to go and get a massage. The human touch helps me to not feel so "needy" for other types of exchanges. How about dropping by a nursing home for a few hours and talking to someone who would just enjoy someone to talk to for a little while? It could be beneficial to both of you. What about joining a club or taking a class? What do you like to do? What is something you have always wanted to do, but never done? Are there groups who do these kinds of things.

I don't ever want to over simplify how hard it is to be on your own with no one to truly count on. The lonlies have been biting me on the behind this past week myself-especially waking up alone in the mornings (well, other than with the kitty curled around my feet-God love his little furry soul) so I truly do feel your pain.

You are capable of anything that you desire, but you have to believe it and you have to know you deserve it. Sounds like you have forgotten that. It hurts like hell when people we believe love us, don't really and it is so easy to let ourselves feel worthless and weak because of it. That gives them way too much power. You have all the power you need inside you, you just have to channel it into more postive directions.

Hang in there...and big hugs.

July 23, 2008
9:44 pm
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sdesigns-

Hi!

Yes, I had those plans to go away, but I have had to put them on hold due to some home repair disasters. Things are much better now, my place is coming together, parts of it look beautiful, but I have a lot of work to do. There are times I put it on hold and go out and do stuff, sure... staying inside makes me a little stir crazy- even if it's easier to avoid people than not.

One of my plans is to go to the aquarium too!!! I went to one last year and LOVED it. I want to go shark diving (in a cage) but I'm not sure I'm ready. Not because the sharks scare me, but the whole oxygen tank thing... mechanical failure scares me more! But I got to feed and pet the skates and they are sooooo adorable.

Also, I want to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and do a lot of stuff I take for granted in my city... it's why I moved here!

But I won't enjoy myself unless I feel like I'm making a little progress with my household projects. It sucks coming home to disorder... things are getting better slowly but surely. Eventually I will finish painting and it will seem new and shiny too.

Sometimes I tell myself that I can go to any restaurant I want... I just get on the bus and go. Truthfully, I am a lowbrow! There are so many here and I have done nothing but eat out in the past year due to necessity. I am health concious and a vegetarian so I look for new restaurants to try, and yes, I do go alone quite often. I don't even mind going to the movies alone when I can find the time.

When is your birthday? Naturally we need a rousing AAC thread when it happens to wish you a good one!

hugs,
ella

July 23, 2008
9:56 pm
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Alice-

Actually, I have become a more outgoing person in the later years of my life. I can be chatty and cheerful and I doubt people that don't know me well would even assume I had a problem with depression. There are some diners or restaurants I do go to because I know the people who work there and they stop and chat at my table and that is a pick me up.

I was attending classes and am going back when my schedule stablizes. There are many different interests I want to put my time into, but I am working on balancing my schedule the way it is now. I signed up for meet-ups to take my dog to, but she is having behavior problems that I think are health related so I am putting that on hold as well. There are things in my future to look forward to, it's just a period of tedious projects that must simply get done. It's a quality of life thing that must be attended to before I go into investing my energies elsewhere.

Sometimes I go get pedicures. It's nice. I like the massage part too.

When I was younger and had friends, and then boyfriends, I would treasure my time alone. I loved doing things by myself, even boring things like cleaning. Now that it's mostly my circumstance, it's not as appealing. I daydream a lot. Often I daydream of having another life. Much like a child, I imagine I am surrounded by people I love. I guess some of it is biological... the clock is running out. My body is saying "where are the babies?"

Oh well, that ship has sailed.

I wrote to you on another thread...

Hope to see you around here.

hugs,
ella

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