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Codep tendencies and postive actions
July 23, 2008
3:13 pm
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alicenwonderland
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September 30, 2010
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Yesterday, I learned that I guy I dated briefly who just suddenly stopped calling has a severe body image issues which was the reason that he stopped calling. (This came from a mutual friend.) This guy, we’ll call him Z, disclosed to the friend that he doesn’t let women get close to him because eventually the clothes come off and they will see his scars. Apparently, he was horribly scarred after an accident several years ago. A woman that he dated publicly humiliated him for his disfigurement and he has never been able to be in any “disrobed” state with anyone and especially women since then.

I tell this story only to illustrate a point. As soon as I heard this, my immediate thought was “oh this poor guy” and “I wish I had known because I could have tried to “fix” it and maybe we would still be seeing one another.” I did like this guy and was saddened when he stopped calling. This quasi-relationship was early recovery and I blamed myself for him just “disappearing”. I wasn’t pretty enough, didn’t have a good enough personality, I was too fat, and the list goes on and on. A little while later after the friend left, I found myself thinking once again about this poor guy who couldn’t have relationships with people because of his fear of being rejected and what I could have done to make that easier for him. Suddenly, the warning lights and whistles began sounding furiously inside my head. “Danger, Danger Will Robinson…Codependent Behavior Warning!”

I started thinking about his behavior and how that as sad as his problem is, it is not my problem to fix. It is his. I can still have compassion for him, but I don’t need to take the responsibility for his sudden disappearance. Those are his issues, not mine. I don’t mean to sound selfish or at all unmoved by his situation, but I felt better about myself after hearing this. Things didn’t end because I wasn’t good enough, but because he thought he wasn’t. It really boosted my feeling of inadequacy.

Last night, as I laid my head down upon the pillow to sleep, I said a prayer for Z asking that God show him the doorway to getting help with his own issues and thanked him for giving me some insight into mine. I thanked him for the boost of self confidence that came from the realization that I am not always to blame. Lastly, I thanked him for helping me to see that Z’s issues were not mine to fix. I went to sleep happy that I was able to recognize my codependent behavior and act in a more positive manner. I could not have done that a year ago when he disappeared. Oh, I am sure that there will be plenty of times that I will stumble, slip into some codependent pattern, and fall flat on my face…but being able to recognize my behavioral patterns is such a great step for me. I also felt like I was helping in that I had the ability to say a prayer for him (fed the codie monster a bit, but I gave him apples instead of cookies) and left it in someone much more powerful's capable hands.

Often times, we focus on all the negative things that are going wrong in our lives and never acknowledge the good things that are coming from our search for answers. I thought I would take a minute to share this positive moment.

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