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Co Dependent Offender
May 18, 2010
12:28 pm
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Luke
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From what I have read on the issue of co dependency it seems that I too am an offender. My current girlfriend helped identify the issue through her non acceptance of the behavior at hand. I then researched and managed to type the correct words in to Google to find the term co dependency (an emotional affliction that systematically seeks to destroy our relationships and well being) that’s how I would describe it. Upon my detailed explanation of the symptoms, I described the feeling as a constant responsibility for HER shadow, a shadow that follows me around from within my mind, all the time becoming increasingly disobedient as time passes. Of course I am speaking metaphorically to try and depict my feelings in depth. The part about her shadow being disobedient refers to her refusal to enable my behavior and also the inert need for a co dependent (myself) for control. At times when I feel out of control in a situation I get extreme fits of anxiety where I don't sleep, eat and sometimes have labored breathing. In the past prior to labeling myself as co dependant I have tried many things with varying degrees of success. These things have included over working, over exercising, over eating, meditation, abuse of drugs and alcohol including sedatives and stimulants as well as the many relationships and sexual partners that I have had. Nothing really ever works, I still seem to be consumed by this need to fix and control my loved ones. I am slowly dealing with it and in turn life is becoming more enjoyable. Unfortunately I think that I’m realizing that my Girlfriend although does not accept the off spin of my destructive behavior may be the kind of person a co dependent person looks for. She is emotionally unavailable, depressive and at times has a manipulative personality. Ha sounds like me but with out the co dependency issues, her issue seems to be the opposite. Maybe this has something to do with co dependency I don’t know.

Anyway enough about me and my confused ramblings just wanted to introduce myself with the hope that this can be a step in the right direction for me. Thanks for reading 🙂

May 18, 2010
12:40 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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luke - welcome.

first off, the "support threads" may get you more support. The liberation brew "side" is more for controversial stuff.

second - yes, as you continue your journey away from codependency, you will often notice that you are in unhealthy relationships and why...and often move away from them in time.

this can be frightening, as we don't want to see ourselves moving away from someone we genuinely care about....but in time, it could happen.

yes, codependents pick a certain type and often, the partner is as unhealthy minded as the codep....a healthy person would not put up with the "antics" of a codep. for very long....

I hope I am not making us codep. people out to be awful or bad, just that our behavior is unhealthy and most "healthy" minded people spot it and steer clear.

keep at it....keep posting...and good luck with your quest.

June 8, 2012
6:23 am
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blanket
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Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, describes co-dependency as"a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence — emotionally, socially and sometimes physically — on a person or object. Eventually, this dependency on another person [or object] becomes a pathological condition that affects the co-dependent in all other relationships"

Codependents are the ultimate example of a persecution complex. They always feel victimized, oppressed, and self-sacrificial. Although codependents may feel they give an inordinate amount of responsibility, obligation, and worry for another and mistakenly feel like they are giving, in reality they are actually taking. The only thing a codependent person wants to hear from his unappreciative (of course, this is usually in his imagination) spouse is the words "I feel so guilty about everything you do for me".

However, in reality, codependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory-Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Codependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Codependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause 'manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure.

June 8, 2012
12:28 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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So do co dependent people become co dependent because they intially felt unsafe and unsecure?  Maybe you could find a quote to define why and how a child becomes co dependent.  I wonder when people in general think about doing for others what they are really doing?  Is there really any act in our lives that we do in our lives that is not essentially a selfish one?  Are we all co-dependent?

When a Mother rises from her bed in the middle of the night because she hears her newborn baby crying and she gets her baby and feeds him/her and no one else sees her do this except the newborn baby and perhaps God, does the Mother do that so that God will think highly of her?  Do you think the baby remembers?

Before you go and dismiss what I am saying, please read it carefully.  There are actually people (few) in this world that know what it means to actually give of themselves to another human without a need for self attention.

Can a co-dependent person love another person so dearly that no matter how dear that person is to them they let them go if the love is not shared by the other?

I think you draw a very very fine line between the truest and purest and rawest form of love & what you define as co-dependent.  Of course I think today finding a person that can actually have that capacity for love is rare.

 

One Day

June 8, 2012
3:33 pm
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Codependency is a condition brought on by growing up in a dysfunctional family and promoted by our culture. Children whose parents are unable to be fully present with them because they are unable to be fully present to themselves and each other, can be deeply affected. You grow up without seeing how to love with openness and spontaneity, as well as discipline. You gradually turn off your ability to be fully alive. You learn distorted ways to protect your self from abuse (i.e., core beliefs and coping patterns) that interfere with intimacy.

This process can take place subtly, much like water eroding a rock little by little. Eventually you adapt by burying your heart and denying that you need your parents' love in the way you really do.

Here are some doubts and concerns of clients which reflect the harm that codependency can cause in one's life:

-Did my parents really love me? Really, care for me? If they really loved me, why didn't they treat me with more dignity and caring? Why were they so distant, so self-absorbed and sometimes even abusive and violent?

I got burned growing up. My family hurt me so much, why should I give anyone else a chance to hurt me again?

-I feel drained and my helping others is never enough. I can't fix the problem and people just get mad at me for interfering.

-Is being intimate something I can learn or am I doomed to feel alone even when I am with others?

-Is it possible to have a good relationship? Sometimes I feel I give my heart but they want my soul. Recognize energy drainers.

These statements may sound familiar to you. You may have heard them said, or said them yourself. They reflect what I call the "Dilemma of Love".

Dr Susan Ricketson holds a PhD in psychology and as the co-founder and Executive Director of Triad Recovery Center in Connecticut; she is a trained and seasoned family counselor who has worked with couples and individuals using body-mind integration and a holistic approach. Her specialties are codependency, bereavement counseling, addiction recovery, and mentor coaching. She has been mentor coaching for years, helping other coaches develop the sophisticated techniques needed to help other reach their goals.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4010887

The AMA has recognized codependency as a disease, meaning it has an onset, a progression, and a finality. When you try to take care of unhealthy parents and protect your family system, you have no time to be a child or learn, in age appropriate ways, how to be an adult. Your feelings and needs are frequently suppressed as they are too threatening. Your emotional growth becomes stunted. Subtly, you learn to play your role, follow the rules, doing what is expected of you. You feel you have to act this way to help your parents and family. Usually on an unconscious level you believe that if you truly love your family, your will keep trying to save it. As you continue to abandon yourself, you fall prey to the disease of codependency.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4010887

June 10, 2012
6:48 am
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Onedaythiswill pass,   out of respect to you I won't use anymore quotes. The question you asked about co-dependents is a complicated one.  I think that people are multi-faceted. I think a human being can have both co-dependent and selfless traits co-existing within themselves at the same time.   I know from personal experience that I was able to let go of a person that meant the world to me (at the time) because it was clear that this person was not giving anything back in return.

June 11, 2012
3:24 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Thank you for your respect.

September 21, 2012
6:08 pm
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Curtis Baker
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You are Co dependent because you are still feeling insecure in your future. May be when you stop thinking about it then you will get over from this fear. I think you must start performing some activities like yoga which might help you to strength to your soul.

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