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Cici Girl... let's discuss
April 13, 2006
1:37 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Cici,

I read your request for prayer for your Dad. Of COURSE both you and your Dad will remain in my heart and in my prayers.

I know you have been gone for a while, as have I. I just lost my Mom the last week in January to lung cancer.

If you want/need to talk, please, know that I am here for you.

I'm so sorry... and again, you and your Dad are in my prayers - and if you have any questions at all or if I can help in any way with information, please feel free to ask.

Sending you love and good thoughts through the Universe.

Much love,

Zin

April 13, 2006
11:11 am
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bel
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CiCi my prayers are with your father and yourself. Enjoy each day and take care of yourself.

Bel

April 13, 2006
12:26 pm
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Cici
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Thanks ZInnie! Long time no see. I'm so sorry about your Mom. I am in a weird place, mentally, right now.

My Dad's PET scan revealed no cancerous growths over 1 cm, at least, in his body besides his left lung! The power of prayers. I swear, we all though that, since he had been having chest pains with no increase in blood pressure, that the cancer had spread to the chest wall.

So he's meeting with a surgeon today with Mom to discuss the possibility of removing his left lung. Which is scarey.

Last night after I got off the phone with him, I sat down and cried for an hour. I raged. I threw my shoe at the door (haha). I sat in the shower trying to calm down.

You'd think I would be relieved that I know he may be able to have surgery, but the 5 year survival rate is like 35%. And he's 76. I am a worry wart, I guess.

This is what gets me -- and I feel really guilty about this.

He has been sick for so long, that part of me just doesn't want him to suffer any more. Isn't that sick? I should want every minute with him, regardless of how I get that extra time, right??

And also, I had been planning a long holiday for after tax season (I am working at an accounting office doing tax returns right now). I had rented a house in Tuscany, Italy for a month.

It's a little house in the country, and you have to walk over a footbridge to reach the closest town. I just wanted to veg out and eat good food and speak italian with old ladied in black shawls, and go shopping in the open air markets, and lazy around the nearby lake.

Now I am putting all that off.

I was also going to take my GRE exams this past March, but I put those off as well.

I feel like my life is on hold, waiting for him to die. I hate that feeling. I dont' want him to die. I just want him to magically be OK.

But he's 76, and has been sick for so long, that I know he never will be back at the point of being OK.

April 13, 2006
1:31 pm
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eve
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its a bugger. My dad is simply getting old and it is hard to bear for me, because by now it is plainly visible that he is mortal. And death is not somewhere far away, but might be close. He is becoming helpless in some aspects, and it breaks my heart, because he was always a firm and strong pillar in my life. Parents shouldn't grow old or be sick, but they do, and we have to grow enough to bear it.

Hugs to you, and best wishes for your dad.

April 15, 2006
8:13 pm
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Cici.
You said:

"He has been sick for so long, that part of me just doesn't want him to suffer any more. Isn't that sick? I should want every minute with him, regardless of how I get that extra time, right??"

When my mother died, she died alone. I arrived 5 minutes too late. The nursing stall and the other patients in the ward were horrified when they saw me walk into the ward where my mother's body lay with the curtin around it. The nurse grabbed me by the arm and almost dragged me out of the ward and into the doctor's room. With an ashen face the doctor told me that my mom had just passed away. I said: "What a relief - I am so glad."

Every one was so relieved to see my attitude yet a little shocked not to see me collapse into an emotional heap. However, I had already done my grieving for the loss of my mother who had suffered terribly for some 10 months before her death.

I fully understand that you want your dad's suffering to be over, whatever the price - albeit his death. That is not "sick" in my view but an expression of compassion and love for your father, your other relatives and yourself.

Having been through recent grieving, with more to come yet I expect, you have my sympathy and empathy. Thank you so much for your sharing with us.

April 16, 2006
9:00 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Cici,

Sorry I have been out of touch after putting this thread out here.

Anyway - about my Mom.

My sister called me in October and said that she was going with Mom to the Dr. as my Mom had not been feeling well for a while and her Dr. appeared to be doing nothing. My sister called me after the appointment and said that essentially she was going to find Mom a new Dr. She said that the Dr. our Mom had been going to basically said "oh, she is just a lost soul, I don't pay her any mind."

Well, she took Mom back to Northern California with her for Thanksgiving - and on Thanksgiving night Mom was rushed in to surgery for her gallbladder. They kept Mom in the hospital for over ten days. I called her on Saturday to see when she thought she might be released, and my Mother being her said her typical dry delivery "well, they just told me I have lung cancer, with about a year to live." To which I snapped "well, are you going to quit smoking?" and she replied "nope!"

My sister called me Christmas Eve and said she did not think Mom would make it through the day - but, amazingly she did. I made it out there the first week of January, and Mom passed away quietly on January 26th. I'm so glad I had a last visit with her. But, there was so much still left unsaid. I miss my Mom terribly - although she could make me crazy from time to time.

I prayed for peace for my Mom, that she would no longer suffer in any pain. She did go peacefully, and I know that after so many years of such a hard life and stuggling with the demon of alcholism, she is now free... my last words to her were "I love you Mommy... please be free and fly with the angels" - and I belive she is.

Love you Cici,

Zinnie

April 17, 2006
10:30 am
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Cici
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My Dad is going in for surgery this week. My sister is hugely pregnant right now and quite philosophical about everything, because she is stuck in the visceral experience of bringing new life into the world in the face of old age and death.

The thing for me is that my father has lived a rich and fulfilling life. He has seen the world change from horse and buggy to fully automated. He spent his life fighting in two different branches of the armed services. He settled down and married well into middle age, after a life that can only be described as so well ived that it's worn through his soul.

He has lived his old age in quiet twilight, passing on a richly complex legacy. He passed on so much to me. He permanently changed my reality, and taught me how to reshape myself and face my fears with a directness that has a tendency to intimidate other people.

He has passed on so much that he seems content to just be, right now.

My mother on the other hand seems to have suddenly developed a tendency to take so many pain pills that her voice slurs. I called her to ask about cooking a standing rib roast on saturday and she told me three different directions, all mixed together. She also forgets that she talked to me.

ALthough I can't say I blame her.

April 20, 2006
3:13 pm
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Cici
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My Dad had his stress test Tuesday adn after acidentally trying to put an emergency cardiac stint inside of him they cleared him for surgery.

I feel like my life is falling apart. But in the past I ran to my Daddy. I think it's pretty stupid. A grown woman in her early to mid twenties needing her Dad as much as I do.

I can't accept things. I keep trying nad I just can't. I spent 8 hours fishing yesterday. I didn't do anything, I stood on an oyster bar and watched the tide come in over my little island. I felt calm acceptance, there, like life is the tide. It comes and goes and you can't control it.

But I cannot seem to take that acceptance with me, wherever I go.

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