Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Chapter 9 (Melody's Book) UNdependence
February 27, 2007
9:25 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him/her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security. Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little. Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships. Then, we become trapped, stuck."

Why is it that we are tied so emotionally to those who cannot give us the emotional security we need? It's not there but it's like an addition... you can't break it...

Is it them or is it us?

February 28, 2007
5:23 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It could be so many reasons Army! Could be fear...liking what is familiar to us since no one modeled to us what is the right or healthy thing in our life.

It could that some people like to stay in their comfort zone. Stepping into the unknown is Very scary to codep people. They are usually very insecure ones and have watched their parents do that same, so they developed what is familiar to them.

I believe it goes both ways they & us. Remember Army: "Codependecy is a relationship between 2 needy & insecure partners." No wonder they call it "the dance of 2 Wounded Souls."

February 28, 2007
7:41 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think codependency is just as sick as alcoholism. Nobody wins. Everyone loses. Codependents can live in fantasy just to survive. Its a form of denial. Last night my husband went on a binge. I have an interview this morning and I have hardly slept. I feel angry, discouraged, and trapped. Realistically this job, if I get it will not give me the means to support myself so what is the use of taking it. That's where my head is at while the hail and snow pours down. My tude is not good today.

February 28, 2007
8:48 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MJ - Right on! Please hon, Dont give up (Gosh Groban's song). LOL Well, if you hear this song; let it motivate you hon!

I know very well what you're talking about. Don't underestimate this work, even if the pay is lil. Sometimes opportunities are disguised in small, humble and trivial thing.

I hope & pray you will feel some kind of comfort and joy very soon and something GOOD would come out of this. Remember to take it "One day at a time." Love to you sweetie!

(((Hugs)))

February 28, 2007
8:49 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My attitude has improved considerably for working the Steps. I can't, he can, I think I will let him. I am powerless over others and alcohol. I will concentrate on the things I can change, ME. Have a Freeing day!

February 28, 2007
9:00 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Don't be harsh on yourself. Healing can be very slow, gradual process. We don't feel it. It's like when you're looking at an hourglass. You get the feeling that nothing is happening. Keep your hubby in your prayers.

Do you have the book "The power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian. If not, I would highly recommend you to purchase it right away.

Thanks for your well wishes. We will continue to cheer each one on. Love to you!XOXOXO

February 28, 2007
9:28 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Ras. I like that, don't underestimate this work. Thanks for the kindness extended. Thanks for the Love! Back at YOU!

February 28, 2007
11:43 am
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey!! I figured it out

"This one "…" "

That is from copying and pasting from Microsoft Works Word. Originally it is quotation marks, but when pasted, it comes out all funky like that.

February 28, 2007
1:23 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank YOU Bevdee! Mystery solved!

February 28, 2007
3:04 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Bev. Love your sense of humour, it made me ROFLLLLLLLLL!!!!

March 1, 2007
11:18 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tonight is our official online book study at 7:30 Pacific time. Hope to see all of you here!

March 1, 2007
8:20 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In the Characteristics on the last pages of this chapter, what did it mean One sided Addiction?

I understood about the others just didn't get that, did anyone else?

March 1, 2007
8:30 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Mj - I think it could mean that One partner is addicted to something. Like for instance it gives you an example as in: Denial, fantasy, overestimation of other's commitment.

Seeks solutions outside self: drugs, alcohol, new lover, change of situation.

You find that one partner is addicted, whereas the other partner might Not be addicted. This is my take. Yep, I found that part a bit bewildering at the beginning. This is my take anyway. I would like to see if others have any other take.

March 1, 2007
9:39 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok, so does that mean that being addicted is a totally separate incident. It lists Love (Open System) Characteristics and Addiction (Closed System) and then Break ups separately and then One-sided addiction.

It is still confusing to me.

So as a codependent I possess Love or Addiction Traits and if I have a one-side addiction like shopaholism, or compulsive eating (example not true in my case) then I would be in a one sided addiction???

I found that my old behavior was to replace relationships and that falls under this characteristic.

So when I get in denial and fantasy thinking, I have a one sided addiction????

Did anyone else get something out of reading that?

The activities for this chapter said to examine the following characteristics and decide if you are in a dependent (addicted) or healthy (love) relationship.

I have traits highlighted in all the areas. So does that mean that its not one extreme way or the other?

March 1, 2007
10:01 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My characteristics are: Room to grow, expand, desire for others to grow vs use intensity of need that may be fear, insecurity, lonliness.

Separate interests, other friends, maintain other meaningful relationships vs Total involvement, neglect old friends and interests

Encouragement of each other's expanding, secure in own worth vs Preoccupation with other's behavior, dependent on others approval for own identity and self worth.

Trust, openness vs jealousy,possessiveness, fears, competition

Needs suspended for the other's, self-deprivation

Willingness to risk and be real

Room for exploration of feelings in and of relationship vs reassurance through repeated, ritualized activitiy

Ability to enjoy being alone

Under Breakups
Accept breakup and wants best for partner, though apart; can become friends. vs often hate others

One sided addiction

Seeks solutions outside of self new lover, change of situation.

Those are the characteristics of my relationships both past and present

March 1, 2007
10:30 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello, is anyone else here tonight?

March 1, 2007
10:40 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Due to lack of interest, I am done with the book study. I will continue my own independent study at my own pace.

March 1, 2007
10:52 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj, i just got online tonight...had p.t. and was tired...then took me awhile to read and ponder this thread...sorry...

March 1, 2007
10:53 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi GG! Thanks for joining me!

March 1, 2007
10:59 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj, I want you to know that I read it all and want you to know that you have been heard. You are working so hard and I am so proud of you.

I am still reflecting here about my neediness and my past relationships. I am so insecure and have always sought relationships that were probably not in my best interests. I seem to be drawn to people that others did not like and could always find a special soul there. Most of my friendships were oneway, me wanting to please them and be with them, but not the other way. I was always seeking love, friendship, and sometimes a type of motherly love. I can even be clingy as many of you probably have witnessed me being even here on this site. On the otherhand, I can be a loyal friend. I am still trying to learn about myself and my codependency. I am learning that so much is a result of my childhood which is foggy still at times. Damn, I have so much to learn...trying to be patient...

March 1, 2007
10:59 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I worked today and I am really tired too. Sleep Well

March 1, 2007
11:02 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for sharing that GG.

I too am attracted to unhealthy relationships. I am glad that you are here too working on yourself. Glad that you showed up even though you are tired. I read that your recovery is slow but you are feeling a little better. Our recovery from codependence is like that as well.

March 1, 2007
11:04 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Are you back working again too?

March 1, 2007
11:08 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, I am working and doing better physically. It is similar to the other recovery and I am not a patient person!!!

March 1, 2007
11:13 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Im not either as you can see by my not wanting to wait around for others to show up 😉

I am glad to hear that you are doing better physically. Thanks for being consistent and working the program. I like how you posted the 12 promises at the beginning of the study. That's where we hope to be in our recovery!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111134
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
kojuyu, NathanielClark, avoid_up, Amin99, Difors, guest_alexander
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information