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Cecelbrate Recovery
October 5, 2009
11:54 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Friday was emotional and I spent most of Saturday crying. I am better today. Thank you.

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
10:26 am
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Terriberry
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Yeah, Friday nights can be tough sometimes. Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Want to talk about it ? ((((bisty)))))

Are making some new freinds at your meetings...?

October 6, 2009
10:26 am
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Yeah, Friday nights can be tough sometimes. Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Want to talk about it ? ((((bisty)))))

Are making some new freinds at your meetings...?

October 6, 2009
12:08 pm
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I am making acquaintances not friends, but that is a start. I tend to gravitate towards older women. (looking for a mother figure?) One guy talked to me a lot the other night at the desert afterwards. Flirting? Just being nice? I don't know. My first instinct was to cut him off and walk away but I made myself continue the conversation, just for practice.

I had made the statement at dinner to someone that I had dealt with being molested by my half brother and had dealt with my mother's alcoholism. Then the testimonial was from Johnny Baker on becoming the alcoholic/ACOA. He talked about Charter Hospital which was one of the treatment centers my mother had gone through. She only learned tricks there she didn't know before, like they were sneaking alcohol in the back fence of the hospital and she learned to hide her empty bottles so we wouldn't know.

I also talked about how my father had been a heavy drinker but when he retired I told him that I had been through one alcoholic and I wasn't going through another and if he was planning to drink himself into an early grave I wanted to know right then because i was leaving his house and never coming back and he quit cold turkey and I had to put him in the hospital to get him through the DT's. I also talked about how angry I am at him that he didn't go to the doctor when he first had trouble swallowing and he let the cancer get away from him and died at 69 thereby cheating me out of 20 years he owed me because both his parents lived until they were 89. Anger issues?

I talked about it a little on the other side on About Loneliness. I lost R and my Dad all from April 13 to June 11. Somehow in my mind it is all tied up together and I can't separate either loss from the other. I tell myself over and over to pretend that R is dead too. I have to admit at that as much as I post things on here that seems to make me appear to finally have it all together I don't and I am scared. Oooh. Did I just write that? I AM SCARED. I AM scared. I am SCARED? Hmmm. Thoughts? Feedback?

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
12:38 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dang, Bitsy. Wish I could be there to give you a hug and maybe take you out for a nice dinner with plenty of time to talk it through. It is okay to be voice our fears. Now...can you express WHAT it is you fear? That's one of your huge keys to breakthrough.

- Ma Strong

October 6, 2009
12:39 pm
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Dang, Bitsy. Wish I could be there to give you a hug and maybe take you out for a nice dinner with plenty of time to talk it through. It is okay to be voice our fears. Now...can you express WHAT it is you fear? That's one of your huge keys to breakthrough.

- Ma Strong

October 6, 2009
1:01 pm
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First off I am scared to pick the scab off of these old wounds. I thought they were heeled but somehow they festered back up. When I let go of the control I have it all comes bubbling up in my again. My dad and stepmother got married in March of 1999. I am my an only child. My stepmother had 3 children two boys and a daughter who has Down's. My father was one of 12 children. I was not included in the wedding in any way. Not in any of the planning or any planning of any of the parties. My stepmother had her two sons walk her down the aisle of the church and had her daughter as maid of honor (a friend actually witnessed the marriage license) and my dad had one of his brothers be his best man. When I got to the church that day with my husband and my father's only grandchild all of my aunts and uncles and their spouses had taken up the first three pews and guests were sitting on the fourth. I and my family sat on the fifth pew back. I later told my stepmother that my father could only truly love one person at a time and I had had my turn it was now her turn. To her credit after that she made a point to include me,but I still hurt over that.

Do I want to dredge up all those feelings. When I had my only child I desperately wanted a mother to come and stay with me and teach me how to be a mother. The lady who had been like a mother to me brought me dinner for a few nights and left it in the refridgerator but had planned a trip and left to go out of town. My MIL came for 2 nights but my husband sent her home. My dad never really did anything as far as keeping my daughter when she was younger,he never held her as a baby, he never changed a diaper, he never, gave her a bottle. He did make sure she had certain things and I have video of him crawling on the floor "teaching" her how to crawl, but he never touched her and loved on her. Yet when my stepmother's son got a girl pregnant she and my dad went to court and got custody of the little girl. My dad changed diapers, gave bottles, prepared bottles. And carried her all over the place. I want to tell myself that I have shed those tears and it doesn't do anyone any good to drag it all back up. People used to ask me if I had imagined or made up a fairy tale about how my father was to me as a child until they saw him with the stepgranddughter. They never saw him act that way with his own flesh and blood granddaughter and I regret that he is gone and they can never form that bond.

I am scared that if I ever really take the cap off of my emotions that I won't stop crying or that I will become bitter. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared that I won't be able to support myself in the future, that I have nothing for retirement. I am scared of what the future holds. I know that my ex-husband will not let Cat suffer, but I am the only one left to look after me and I am scared that I don't know how. I am scared that I will never find love again. I am scared that I will become a lonely bitter old woman. I am just scared. I sort of see myself as a lone willow sappling our in a field bending whichever way the wind blows and not being able to stand tall and straight. I know there are more reasons I am scared but I can't tap into them right now. I think mainly I am scared that one day Cat will look back and feel about me like I feel about my own mother...indifferent and that will crush me.

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
1:06 pm
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I'm scared too Bitsy.

Not for similar reasons but they are good reasons nontheless.

It's difficult to make new friends at our age. All one can do is try. Find interest groups, and try to make better choices that don't repeat our dysfunctional upbringings.

I have a partner who has grown in so many ways, but we both struggle in this economy. There's social issues too. We've basically detached completley from our alcoholic "friends" and have had a transitional year, of mourning their absense, and making new aquaintences.

What could we do? They got abusive, the drinking was way over the top, and it just had to end.

((All of us))

October 6, 2009
3:00 pm
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Hi Bitsy,

I wish we could have this conversation in person, only because then you could see, the honest sincerity in my eyes. I truly understand the fear of being afraid to have to deal with the emotions, the pain, of sexual abuse, and being the child of alcoholic parents. When I first started talking to my therapist about it, I would have a physical reaction to it. My stomach would get knotted up, just thinking about it. Dredging up all your ugly memories of hurt and abuse is not easy.

I also understand when you say, your afraid once you start crying you might not stop. You will stop. You just probably go thru a lot of Kleenex before you do. Tears can be comforting and cleansing to your soul. Maybe if you realize you don’t have to tackle all your issues in one day. Just take it one step at a time, one day at time. You will grow and you will heal. It will just take time. You remind me a lot of myself. I wanted my recovery instantly. Importunely it doesn’t happen that way. It takes time, but your not alone any more Bitsy, GOD is with you. And you have your CR buddies, and your buddies here on this site. And GOD will put the right people in your path to help you through this process.

Have you ever gone to a therapist regarding any of these issues?

October 6, 2009
4:49 pm
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Thank you Ma and Terriberry. There is more but I just can't unleash it yet. I really hate that the wedding thing keeps rearing its head. But it HURT

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
5:07 pm
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Dont push yourself Bitsy, you will when your ready.

I'm so sorry you were hurt, about what happened. It is a terrible feeling to be left out, on such an important day for the whole family.
Was is something they did intentionally, or do you think it was just carelessness...?

October 6, 2009
5:21 pm
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It was carelessness on my father's part. It still didn't stop it from hurting. It had been the two of us from the time I was 17 until I got married at 22. He was still very much a part of my life, but when he got married that first year or so we all laughed about him being so far up my stepmothers hiny and that her poo did not stick. I can't fault her, except to say it would have been nice if I had been the matron of honor or I had signed the marriage license instead of her friend since her daughter was not legally competent and the least she should have done as the bride is make sure I had a place of honor to sit. My father just flat out didn't think about me and that my feelings would be hurt. I was studying for my Master's in Education at the time at a fairly prestigous college. All I heard out of my father was what was wrong with the education system and that "her son" was a Vary Prestigious Law School Graduate, to which I replied, "Well, you know what Shakespeare said, First we kill all the lawyers"

Bitsy

October 6, 2009
6:04 pm
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Terriberry
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Yeah your right, him being careless still hurts. Sometimes even more than intentional, right. Because if it was intentional it would of meant he was trying to hurt you.

When it was carelessness, it means he didnt even care enough.... to think about you at all. And yes..... that hurts a whole bunch. I could see why you would be hurt and angry about it.
from your comments below. The best thing to do is to keep posting, and to keep processing these things.

I think you have been processing thru some of the pain from the past and greifing from your losses. Keep processing a venting on these threads like you have been. Get it all off your mind.

I'm listening as so are alot of other freinds here that care about you. ((Bisty))

Does your CR have Soild Rock Cafe time?

October 7, 2009
11:39 am
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For those of you who keep up with my other threads on the other side, I had a major stumble last night and was feeling oh so sorry for myself. Luckily I am well past the point of calling or texting or emailing. I really am working towards indifference. Thanks for the support all.

Bitsy

October 7, 2009
1:33 pm
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Terriberry
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what happened last night ?

October 7, 2009
1:46 pm
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It is on Who Wins...other side.

Bitsy

October 7, 2009
3:09 pm
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Terriberry
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ok...I posted on that thread.

October 13, 2009
12:16 pm
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Terriberry
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Bitsy,

How are you... ?

October 13, 2009
1:45 pm
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I didn't get to go to CR last Friday night and probably really needed to but Cat was home. My boss told me he is going to be cutting my hours back. I got the rug pulled from under my feet. I think I have decided to pursue something else for full time employment and only do real estate on the side. I don't know....

Bitsy

October 13, 2009
1:50 pm
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Hi Bitsy: I think thats probably a good idea in this economy. At some point the RE market will turn around- and I think residential is usually busier than commerical- but in the meantime, sounds like something more stable would be better. You've mentioned banking experience- have you thought of or tried a mortgage company? I know someone who works at one and she is swamped with work since they are rewriting loans like crazy. Maybe your experience in RE and banking would apply? Just a thought.

sd

October 13, 2009
2:04 pm
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working on my resume.

Bitsy

October 14, 2009
1:08 pm
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Terriberry
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Hey Bitsy,

Sorry to hear your hours have been cut back. It' s good your working on your resume. Sounds like your feeling blue again. Just thinking it might be good for you to call somebody from your group.

I have helped a freind from group work on her resume. Wish you were here in person, we could go to lunch and talk and work on your resume together. (((Bitsy)))

I took a big step this week, at my CR, this week. I have accepted the offer to move in to a leadership postion. I with CR. I was also tranparent with both my three CR leaders and the Pastor of Care Ministeries. All of the issues, including the SGA.(Same gender attraction). Wow that was a really hard thing to do. But I feel so much better. I'm going to start working om my testimony soon.

October 14, 2009
1:16 pm
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So what do you do about SGA? I have always heard and bought into if you are attracted to the same sex you are attracted to the same sex and that is just all there is to it. I do know a lady who lived a lesbian lifestyle but has since "come out of the life" and is married and expecting her first child.

Bitsy

October 14, 2009
1:30 pm
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Hi Bitsy,

I don’t think you ever get over it.
I think that it is more about sexual purity than anything else. However yes lots of people think of it like that. To me that is a worldly view.
I have a biblical worldview and even with that it can still be very controversial. If you want to understand more about it, goggle Exodus International; there are a lot of great articles and testimonies of people who have struggled with SGA. I think it will be very informative for you.

October 14, 2009
1:35 pm
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Hey, anyway, congratulations in being asked to join the team. If you would like to "flesh" out your testimony here without details, I would love to read it. I have a nephew, a stepbrother, and a cousin who all all gay. My nephew struggled with it because part of him would love to be married and have children but he had a relative who did that and had to come home and tell his wife and children he had tested positive for AIDS. Truly that was his wife's first clue. Hi, honey, I'm home, oh by the way I went to the doctor today and I have AIDS. It was quite a roller coaster there for a while. He has since passed away.

Bitsy

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