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Brutal Honesty
June 15, 2005
2:33 pm
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sewunique
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Deena
15-Jun-05

whatever??????

Deena, this is uncalled for again.......and sorry I am onto my way to work, so will see your reply after midnite here. This is attacking, agression using the infamous WHATEVER term.

Sew

June 15, 2005
2:34 pm
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sewunique
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a typo.........word was........aggression

June 15, 2005
2:41 pm
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SoulSpirit
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this makes me sad .....

June 15, 2005
3:07 pm
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2bstrong
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OK guys...I am a watcher and listener. Finally, I want to say something. I always act like I have a lot of courage, but it takes a lot of self confidence for me to go out on a limb and speak my mind, mostly because fear rules my life, and I am always afraid I will hurt someone, offend someone, or alienate someone. That is why most of my life I have been a "fibber" and, yes, a liar. All out of fear. In this process of healing that I am living, it is very important to be honest.

My mother is what some would define as a "brutally honest" person. It was harsh growing up with her because she didn't mince words. As a child, that was difficult to swallow. Her intentions were good, she wanted to raise responsible and "good" children. But there were an awful lot of hurt feelings. Later in life, my hurt turned into resentment. I recently posted a thread on her anger toward my grieving process. Now I am no cry baby--but enough is enough. I will grieve a loss at my own pace. Her "tough love" crossed the line for me. I don't care to ever see her again. As I told my sister, I don't need a mother, and I never cried on her shoulder anyway. As a matter of fact, all my life it has been the other way around. I have been the iron shoulder for her.

Anyway, my whole point is that there is a time to be candidly honest, and there's a time to be gently honest. There is no wrong honesty. You just have to be sensitive to the needs of the person asking for it.

Deena and peacesoul--you guys mean a lot to me. Both of you have shared your thoughts and feelings with me, and sometimes it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. I thank you.

2b

June 15, 2005
4:11 pm
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Deena
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sew...I am exhausted from justyfing my EVERY WORD on this site. I have at least 4 people jumping in on everything I write. I wish I could give you some great explanation, however I am drained. (maybe tomorrow)
Nothing to say about the okie dokie pokie? what is that?

2b...Never meant to hurt your feelings if I did. I think I need to step back and re evaluate my "need" to be here. This is getting tough...even for me! It's sooo hard to walk away from you guys. I even talk about you guys to my friends in the "real" world. (out of concern)
But for now....I think that's what i need to do. SC said some things that made me realize-maybe I really am not that helpful to people here and have issues of my own?!
I wish you all the best 2b!

Before I go...anyone else have anything to get off their chest regarding this?

Deena

June 15, 2005
4:17 pm
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Deena
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well, SC told me to pack it up...so I guess I am officially outta here. So, No response needed Sew. I think I found what I needed from this site and it's time to "move on". We all love that saying,huh? Well, thanks for the feedback to everyone. Yeah, I think I did get a reality check.

Peace to all
Deena:)

June 15, 2005
4:56 pm
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lollipop3
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Deena,

The only reason I am responding is because I don't want Sew to feel like she has to.

The okey, dokey , pokey,...was in response to you saying..."Maybe if you had some good posts I could actually agree with you too."

That, in my opinion, was another one of your rude comments and I really didn't have much to say about it, other than...okey, dokey, pokey. In other words...I guess you told me.

Anyway.....let's move on , shall we.

Lolli

June 15, 2005
4:59 pm
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2bstrong
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Dear Deena,

You have never hurt my feelings. Not even close. I wish you only the best--I think you are hurting, and it makes me hurt.

I will be thinking of you--2b

June 15, 2005
5:25 pm
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Deena
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thanks 2b...Ya know I am finding it very difficult to leave you guys. I keep coming back:)

Lolli, Sew....Ill chat with you guys tomorrow. I really want to think about things before I post. Wow...Im actually going to think before I type:)

So long to another exhausting day.

June 15, 2005
5:32 pm
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lollipop3
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Deena,

Before you go, I just want you to know that there are no hard feelings as far as I'm concerned.

I just take each thing as it comes.

Have a good night 🙂

Lolli

June 15, 2005
6:49 pm
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exoticflower
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I think there is the other side to be concidered here--we can choose the way we respond to hostile opinions...sometimes I feel that paynig them any mind at all seems to dignify them and the way they are delivered--for example, I will not deal with my ex'[s father under ANY circumstances becasue it validates the rude way in which he always treats me and cannot see fault with. I do not have to correct it, or to stand for it, but I do not have to say that it is OK by me by regarding it AT ALL. Gives the treatment too much power even if I react poorly. If that makes sense.

June 15, 2005
7:05 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi exotic,

It makes perfect sense. I have tried that a few times here. I say to myself... just ignore it and it will go away, eventually.

But then, the more I read, the more frustrated I get and well.....you've seen what happens.

I think you're idea is right on the money and I will continue to try to work on that.

Thanks,

Lolli

June 15, 2005
7:32 pm
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exoticflower
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I think too that there is a difference between tryinhg to ignore something and conciously deciding not to feed into something--the sad truth is, sometimes someone is so full of anger that they NEED you to act out so they have an outlet to react. My ex was a lot like that, though in a more passive way than what we are discussing. It's hard not to take that bait, especially not to gnash at it with angry teeth when it's slapping you in the face on purpous to irritate, but it helps to remember that this is what it is--bait. Someone wants you to be hurt, needs you to react. It is not behavior that is rational, trying to make sense of it is what will upset you every time. Look past it, know that it is nothing but destructive intentions towards you...does that make sense? And it is coming from a place of some hurt you maybe don't understand, but reacting to it at all enables that unhealthy outlet for them, and holds you back when you need your own focus.

Oh, I get a 'EF had a healthy realization' pin! Now, if I can just get this all tattood on my forhead and park it in front of a mirror next time ex calls...

June 15, 2005
8:20 pm
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exoticflower
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Wow, no one's gonna offer me the 'really talleted typist' pin, btw! Ouch, I look like a morron!

June 15, 2005
8:22 pm
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lollipop3
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I am now pinning the "healthy pin" on exotic's lapel (I know you generally don't wear lapels, but....cardigans kind of have lapels)

You are so right. I have been through this soooo many times with my b/f, and he has actually admitted that he does it on purpose to make me angry. He has said, "I was mad, so I wanted to make you mad". I guess I'm no different here than I am at home. I try to reason, try to defend and then get angry and WHAMMO.

Anyway, thank you again for words of wisdom and insight....it's always appreciated.

((((hugs))))

Lolli

June 15, 2005
8:53 pm
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exoticflower
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cardigan?! LOL, Always a delight Lolli! Thanks for that! (((((hugs))))))

June 16, 2005
2:47 am
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sewunique
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"Btutal Honesty".............where did this term come from? Is it a familiar, popular term that I am not familiar with? Is it a New Age term?

Brutal and honesty should not be used together, is my opinion, and I see it as an oxymoron.

To give a frank and honest opinion seems to be the better explanation.

I just am not comfortable with the word/description of "brutal" in giving honest answers, feedback or opinions. Brutal seems to defeat the purpose of being "honest".

Sew

June 16, 2005
2:54 am
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sewunique
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It is now 3 am here. I will have to finish posting back tomarrow........just too tired to think clearly. Looks like you guys have been busy today; am hoping things work out.

As ever,

Sew

June 16, 2005
9:47 am
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exoticflower
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Sew, it is a term people use a lot, though not sure it's coinage or anything...anyway, it didn't start here. "Go on, give me the ugly truth", sort of. My father has refered to 'severe honesty' at times, I like that one a lot. Hope you got some decent sleep--3am?!

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