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Boundaries - Chapter 3
December 30, 2009
8:20 pm
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mamacinnamon
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CHAPTER 3 - BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

Boundary problems do not just encompass folks that have problems setting limits, but also folks that don't respect other's limits. Take for example a person who's spouse left and cleaned out the bank account and the possessions they shared, who has had an affair, who harasses and causes the other problems. This type person also has boundary problems.

In this chapter we will talk about boundary problems. You will see that it is not just the person that cannot say NO that has boundary problems.

Complaints: Saying YES to the Bad. When parents teach their children that saying NO is rude they are teaching them it's ok for others to walk all over them. They are sending their children out into a world that has folks that are controlling and manipulative. To feel safe out in the world children need to be taught to say NO, I disagree, It's wrong, That's bad, I don't want to, I choose to not, Stop. This type boundary is known as compliance. These folks cannot stand on their own. They give in to what others want them to do coz they don't want to rock the boat. The inability to say no keeps us from recognizing or refusing evil. Their spiritual and emotional "radar" is broken. This person is often deep into an abusive relationship before they realize what is going on. Compliants cannot say no because they fear abandonment, hurting other's feelings, fear of the abuser's anger, punishment, rejection, fear of being seen as critical or selfish. They experience guilt when they say NO.

Avoidants: Saying NO to the Good. It is the inability to ask for help, to recognize your own needs, to let others in. Boundaries need to be like fences, letting the good in and the bad out. They breathe. Avoidants experience their problems and legitimate needs as something bad, destructive, or shameful.

Many people are both compliants and avoidants. they say no to the good and yes to the bad. People that are both cannot refuse evil nor can they accept support. They feel drained but have nothing to replace the drained feelings with. Compliant avoidants actually have reversed boundaries. They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they should not be.

Controllers: Not Respecting Other's Boundaries. These people have a problem hearing or respecting other's boundaries. They will not take responsibility for their own lives so they have a need to control others. They believe no means maybe and maybe means yes. They tend to project their responsibility onto others. They are perceived as bullies, manipulators, and aggressive. Controllers come in two types.. First is aggressive controllers. They don't listen. They run over others. They are at times verbally and/or physically abusive. Most of the time they are unaware others even have boundaries. The second is manipulative controllers. These controllers manipulate others into doing what they want. They use guilt, trickery, threats, etc. Manipulators deny their desire to control others. They brush aside their own self-centeredness.

Compliants and avoidants can also be controllers. They will do something nice for someone and then wait for the favor to be returned. They hope that by doing something loving that they will be loved. When it is not they make the person feel guilty or shamed for not doing something in return.

Controllers are undisciplined people. They have trouble curbing their wants and desires and therefore get hurt from their lack of discipline. They cannot function on their own coz they have relied on their bullying to get them what they want. Controllers are isolated. People stay w/ them out of fear, guilt or dependency. Controllers feel if they stopped manipulating and threatening then they would be abandoned. We cannot terrorize and make others feel guilty and be loved by them at the same time.

Nonresponsives: Not Hearing the Needs of Others. Lack of attention to the responsibility of love. We are responsible to care about and help others, within reason. To refuse when we have the appropriate resources is a boundary conflict. Nonresponsives fall into two groups... First is the ones w/ a critical spirit. They project their own hatred onto the needs of others. They are so absorbed in their own desires that they ignore the needs of others. This is a form of narcissism.

Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. They are on the lookout for someone to take care of them. They think their responsibilities are the responsibility of someone else. They look for someone who doesn't have boundaries. They look for someone that will take care of them and not complain.

Here are the four types of boundary problems to help you see where you might fit in. Can't say NO... The Compliant. Feels guilty and/or controlled by others and cannot set boundaries. Can't say YES... The Nonresponsive. Sets boundaries against the responsibility of love. Can't Hear... The Controller. Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others. Can't Hear... The Avoidant. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others.

Functional and Relational Boundaries. Functional boundaries is the ability to complete a task, project or job. It has to do w/ performance, discipline, initiative and planning. Relational boundaries is the ability to speak truth to others w/ whom we are in a relationship w/. You can perform tasks well but not be able to tell someone things you don't like. Or You can be good at talking about your feelings but cannot get up and get to work on time in the mornings.

That's it for Chapter 3

December 30, 2009
9:30 pm
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MsGuided
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Wow I'm an avoidant!

I never saw avoidant tendencies jioned with bounderies before.

Thanks ((mamacinnamon))

December 30, 2009
10:29 pm
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sdesigns
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This is really interesting MamaC. Things listed here I've never heard of.

Especially the "Nonresponsive". I think that describes my father.

Thanks for the new and dif perspectives.

sd

December 31, 2009
9:37 am
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It No Longer Matters
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OH boy did I need to read this this morning. I know what I need to do but am sticking my head in the sand. I have come so far in the last year, but I did drag myself out last night and go pick drunk mr ex bossman up and take him home. He made it clear that a job with him means sex. I don't want that. I don't want that. There goes my fantasy of having a job and paying my bills.

Bitsy

December 31, 2009
4:26 pm
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darkeyes
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thank you mama c.. think i fall under the heading "the compliant".something i can work on now!!!!

December 31, 2009
7:22 pm
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red blonde
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Dad was 'compliant/avoidant'.

Momzilla was definitely 'controller/nonresponsive w/critical spiri

I was (and probably still am) 'compliant/avoidant'.

Older sister was 'compliant/avoidant' but after Momzilla died she because a combo of all the above... at times.

January 1, 2010
11:00 am
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mamacinnamon
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Bitsy: You can find another job and get the bills paid. Start looking so you have something to move right into when you find another better job.

You can do it. 🙂

This chapter was a hard one for me. I am avoidant/compliant. Husband is nonresponsive/controller/avoidant. Made for a really bad combination.

January 1, 2010
5:51 pm
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heartache
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Wow I think now I know what I am. compliant/avoidant. It was almost an unheard of thing to say No in my house no one I guess ever did. Im learning but I do feel very guilty and selfish,or mean. I guess I just have to be mean awhile. Well I have been saying No alot here lately. Sometimes now Im scared to say yes. Because I'm trying to really think about why Im saying yes. Funny huh.. Bitsy I pray you find another job. Thanks for the chapter mac

January 2, 2010
2:19 pm
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Hepburn
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I'm a compliant/avoidant. Which is probably why it took me so long to post on this thread! LOL

It does take a lot of energy for me to SEE MYSELF and not try and figure out what other people who I'm close to are. That's such a codie thing. I'll read these self help books and while I'm reading I get all wrapped up in catagorizing everyone else except myself.

Still being tested EVERY day with my boundaries. The people around me just want what THEY want and to hell with me. It's been really hard to stick up for myself, but I'm doing it! And it's been really disappointing to see these people who I love and care about not respecting me.

January 3, 2010
8:32 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I guess I fall into the compliant/avoidant category myself. I thought I had been doing a good job of learning boundaries and protecting myself, but I hadn't been tested. The other night I was tested and I went and picked a drunk up out of a bar and took him home (to his house). Maybe that is a clue that I have more work to do. Old "friend"/old pattern.

So, what do we do so as not to fall into these old familiar patterns? I continue to search for peace and serenity.

Bitsy

January 3, 2010
1:34 pm
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Hepburn
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Yes, I asked myself the same question. Seems like just when I think I've got it nailed, some situation comes up that I think is NOT like the past, so I end up repeating the pattern.

I think REACTING may be the key. I have this knee-jerk reaction mode I get into. I have to remember to STOP AND THINK first before reacting. But it's hard to do when I'm "in the moment".

The first part of this book is to see where we fit in and to understand what a boundary is. I'm hoping the second part will be how to keep them without losing ones mind.

January 4, 2010
3:09 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Horsefly is compliant/avoidant. And naturally I have already diagnosed my ex's and family and friends too.

January 6, 2010
10:19 am
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Lanigirl
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I find myself in several of these categories.

I keep re-reading this information. Very helpful, thanks!

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