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Boundaries Chapter 2
December 16, 2009
1:46 pm
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BOUNDARY BUILDING

Think of a time when you stuck by your boundary in a particular area and people honord it. What were the circimstances? Why were you about to maintain your boundary? How did people respond? Consider what hinders you from keeping each boundary strong. Look back at a time whenn someone did not honor a boundary you set and try to identiify why that happened.

Now consider the list of boundaries from another perspective. What boundaries when set by other people do you need to do a better job of honoring?

What do you tend to do with your feelings, especially anger, ignore them or let them be in charge? Why do you think you respond in the way you do?

Which attitudes and beliefs do you hold that are causing you to make poor choices or experience pain?

What choices in your life have you failed to take responsibility for? Whom are you blaming for what circumstances in your life?

Bitsy

December 16, 2009
1:58 pm
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Think of a time when you stuck by your boundary in a particular area and people honord it. What were the circimstances? Why were you about to maintain your boundary? How did people respond? Consider what hinders you from keeping each boundary strong. Look back at a time whenn someone did not honor a boundary you set and try to identiify why that happened.

ANSWER: At first I started to say that I don't know that I have ever set a boundary and had someone honor it. How sad is that? Then I remembered that in my early 20's I went to therapy for the second time. I had to learn to set some boundaries with my father. I was after all married. This time I did see a Christian therapist. He may not have approved of what I did but this is what I did. It was back when all the rage was frying a turkey, so my husbands family and my dad were all coming to my house and we were frying the turkey there. My dad had a lot of restaurant sized pots and I was in my side yard with a garden hose and dish detergent cleaning out the pot when he pulled into my driveway. I tossed the hose to the side in a flower bed and let the water continue to run. My father jumped all over me for not turning the water off. I finally looked at him and told him I believed the water bill came in my name, to my address, and I believed the check I wrote had my name on it and took money out of account with my name on it and that I believed all the money in that account was money I had worked and earned and if he didn't like it he could get back in his truck and go home. It sounds harsh but this was an ongoing battle with him telling me what to do and yelling at me if I didn't do thngs his way.

Now consider the list of boundaries from another perspective. What boundaries when set by other people do you need to do a better job of honoring?

ANSWER: When I discovered that R was probably cheating on me I hacked into his email and his Match.com account.

What do you tend to do with your feelings, especially anger, ignore them or let them be in charge? Why do you think you respond in the way you do?

ANSWER: I think over the past few years I have had so much happen that my emotioins are shot. I do get angry and storm and stomp, but generally I calm down and remind myself that life IS NOT fair and that people who realize this and accept it can find some happiness in understanding.

Which attitudes and beliefs do you hold that are causing you to make poor choices or experience pain?

ANSWER: Right now I think I have no self confidence. I don't think I am worthy. I have a great education but don't feel like I have the experience for anyone to hire me for anything but the most basic of jobs. I have a master's degree and have worked in sales in the banking industry so I applied for a job as a bank teller. I definately am not living life large or Naming it and claiming it.

What choices in your life have you failed to take responsibility for? Whom are you blaming for what circumstances in your life?

ANSWER: I have been blaming R for a lot of things. I walked away from him 3 different times and allowed him to suck me back in and then break my heart and make me not like men or trust them. I WALKED AWAY. WHY DID I ALLOW HIM TO DRAG ME BACK IN. WHY AM I STILL SITTING HERE TODAY GOING THROUGH THROUGH THE SAME OLD STUFF WHEN HE HAS MOVED ON AND IS IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP AND I AM SAD AND LONELY.

Bitsy

December 16, 2009
2:09 pm
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I received this in an email that I regularly get from Flylady and I thought it worked well with our Boundaries Study

Dear Friends:

A few days ago I received an email from a member that was so
devastated by her friends and family's comments about the changes in
her life. The comments started as a compliment BUT then they
reminded her of how messy she used to be. There is an interesting
thing about using the word "but" when it is used it generally
negates anything and everything before it. That is proven when
someone begins to compliment you BUT then hurts you.

An example is "Oh your house looks so nice but remember how it used
to look?" The problem with this statement/question is that for us,
the people that are working so hard to change our homes and lives,
we don't hear the compliment only the put down and reminder of such
a painful time in our lives.

So having said all this, what do you do when you have people around
you that are not being supportive of the changes that you are
making? The first thing to do is to realize that you need to make
the changes in your life for you and no one else, sure it might
beneift others but you have to want these changes for yourself and
for your life. The second thing is to know that you are worthy of
having a nice home and having peace and joy in your life. You
deserve it and it can be yours. The third thing to do is to deal
with those that are saying things that bring you down. How? There
are a few ways to do this:

1. Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent" this is where knowing that you are making
changes for you and loving yourself comes in to place.

2. When someone says something to you that is hurtful you have two
choices you can let it go or you can deal with it head on. There
are many times that a person will not think that what they said
bothers you because you have let them get away with this kind of
behavior in the past. I happen to be the type of person that is a
peacekeeper so I just keep my mouth shut, stew about it later and
wish I had said something. Letting go can be very difficult if your
feelings have been hurt. Dealing with the person that has hurt you
in a direct honest way is the best thing you can do if you feel
comfortable doing it. An example would be: "I am sure you don't
mean to hurt my feelings by bringing up a very painful time for me
but you have." Then when they go to explain or apologize, which they
will, just stare them down and say thank you for the apology and
move on. They are feeling insecure about how great you are doing.
There are just some people out there that like for people to be a
little beneath them whether it be money, status personality or
whatever, in this case how a home is kept or the peace that you have
found.

3. Don't allow anyone the power over you to tear away what you have
built for yourself.

These can apply to those that are tearing you down or not being
supportive of the changes you are making but also about your job,
your parenting,etc. Taking control of your home is part of loving
yourself but taking control of yourself and how you live is finally
loving yourself. Each and every single one of you are special and
worthy of all the positive things that life has to offer.

Bitsy

December 16, 2009
4:06 pm
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darkeyes
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thank you both for sharing....

December 16, 2009
4:08 pm
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Darkeyes, I had told MamaC that I had the video study guide and would help her out. It is all the same. She had mentioned having a separate thread for each chapter because there is just so much to discuss. I started this one to work with the first one she posted.

Hope this is OK with everyone.

Bitsy

December 16, 2009
5:19 pm
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Wow.. those are some pretty hard questions. I guess the first time I ever set a boundary was with my Mom. I asked them to please if they were coming up could let us know a day or two in advance. Well she broke it and I was mad but put in under the rug I think that is my usaul thing.
But here lately I have kept some with a friend but the last time I broke it. Now I have to reinforce it again. That will be hard.
okay I need to except when someone else says no better, I have found here lately that I try passage ways or undermining to change my husbands mind. I have just started seeing this one and in a mid episode a week ago I had a lightbulb moment and realized what I was doing.. sheww that hurt when I had to go back to him and apologize and tell him what I was doing.
attitudes I have well lets see I have a attitude of that is great for you and you deserve it but for me No way or dispair. I really need to lose weight I have gained since having invitro and depression. but everytime I go to workout I start feeling so selfish. I also have a friend her marriage is not so open yet but they are working on it. Mine well went through alot my codie actions almost ended my marriage. But Thank the lord we have worked fault and everything else to get communication going again. but sometimes when she says stuff like your so blessed to have a husband that will so and so I get this overwhelming feeling like I know I don't deserve him and I have guilt because we do have a good relationship. And yes sometimes I do blame my Mom. anyway wow .. thats alot.. okay with my feelings depends sometimes I would just push it under the rug other time I would stomp around slap cabinet doors. I recently been trying to admit it myself and sometimes to others to. That is a hard one. Anger was a bad thing in my mind. Hard to admit and to express sometimes for me. jealousy is something else that I hate to admit is a bad things sometimes for me. I hate that and feel really ashamed for being jealous. Thanks Bitsy sharing

December 17, 2009
10:33 am
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bitsy thank you for sharing..all insight and thoughts are very welcome with me..im learning valuable knowledge on here..im just listening for now and going over mulling it over..i greatly appreciate you and mama c for this..((hugs)))

December 20, 2009
11:56 pm
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(((Book Clubers)))

With the holidays approaching waaaay too fast, I haven't been able to post. I'm almost done with my answers though and will post in the next day or 2.

Peace.

Hep

December 21, 2009
12:23 am
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Bitsy, thanks for starting a new thread for chapter 2. I'll get the 2nd half posted by Wednesday.

I totally appreciate the study guide input you are giving. I'll try to get thru and post my answers soon also before Wednesday.

December 21, 2009
12:26 am
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Yes, I wanted to thank Bitsy too for the very helpful study guide info.

December 21, 2009
8:32 am
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I did not let a particular aunt of mine get away with talking bad about my father. I had another aunt who tried to apologize for her. I told her I absolutely would not accept her apology...she was not the one who owed it to me. The Dragon Queen was. I am starting to stand up for myself more.

Bitsy

December 23, 2009
5:52 pm
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GOOD FOR YOU BITSY

My apologies to everyone. I'll have the 2nd half of chapter 2 posted tonight. promise. Had docs today and went well 🙂

December 23, 2009
11:02 pm
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CHAPTER 2, PART 2

What's Within My Boundaries?

The story of the good Samaritan is used in this example. Quick overview. A man traveling from Jerusalem to Jerico was mugged. He was stripped, beaten and left for dead. A priest and a Levite pass by and ignore the hurt man. A Samaritan stops and bandages the man and takes him to an inn and took care of him. He then gave the innkeeper some money and asked him to look after the man.

There are several scenarios that could have happened. The man could have awakened and said to the Samaritan that he was bein selfish for leaving him coz he needed help and he should stay. The Samaritan could have agreed and stayed ignoring the business he had to do. So by staying the Samaritan could have missed the sale of his camels and his family could have starved. In this case he would have felt resentment and angry. In this case he would not be giving from his heart but from compliance. Nobody here comes out ahead.

Feelings have been called many things, but they should not be ignored. Many folks that ignore their feelings become ill, depressed, even suicidal. Feelings can motivate us to do good things but you have to also look at where they are coming from. If you feel close, loving then what you are doing is most likely good. If you feel resentment, anger then you need to re-evaluate why you are doing what you are doing.

Attitudes have to do with the stance you take toward others. Beliefs are what you believe to be true.We need to own our attitudes and convictions and not blame others. We learn attitudes very early in life. They play a big part as to who we are and how we operate. Folks w/ boundary problems have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold others responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. Setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives.

Behaviors have consequences. A man reaps what he sows. If we study we get good grades; if we work we get a paycheck; if we exercise we will be healthier. Problems here come when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another's life. If we rescue folks from their consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless. This happens a lot w/ parents and children or w/ spouses.

Choices. We need to be responsible for our choices. This will lead to self-control. The problem here is when we blame others for our choices. We need to realize we are in control of our choices no matter how we feel. When we don't take control of our choices we become resentful, hurt, angry. Setting boundaries involves taking responsibility for our choices. You make them; You must live w/ their consequences. You are the one who may be keeping yourself from making choices you could be happy w/.

Value is what we love and assign importance to. At times we get caught up in what others value us as rather than what we value ourselves as. We want approval of others. We miss out on life.

Limits. There are two aspects of limits when it comes to better boundaries. First is setting limits on others. We can set limits on our exposure to folks who are behaving poorly. We cannot change them or make them behave right. Separating ourselves protects love because we are taking a stand against the things that destroy love. Second is setting our own internal limits. We need self-control without repression. We need to be able to say NO to ourselves.

Talents - I am gonna use the book for this so it makes sense. Sorry, I cannot come up w/ my own words to make sense.

Contrast these two responses:

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful w/ a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"

"You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit w/ the bankers, so that when i returned I would have received it back w/ interest. Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents."

No other passage better illustrates God-ordained responsibility for ownership and use of talents. Although the example is of money, it also applies to internal talents and gifts. our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking ownership of them is often frightening and always risky.

The parable of the talents says we are accountable -- not to mention much happier -- when we are exercising our gifts and bein productive. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome the fear of failure that the "wicked and lazy" servant gave into. He was not chastised for being afraid; we are all afraid when trying something new and difficult. He was chastised for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could. Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Thoughts - Thoughts and our minds are important. No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things. First - We must own our own thoughts. Folks swallow their opinions and reasonings and never question. We should listen to the thoughts of others, but we should never give our minds over to anyone. We need to weigh things out but remain separate thinkers from others. Second - We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. We need to learn about the world and be wise stewards. Third - We must clarify distorted thinking. We all have tendencies to not see things clearly. We think and perceive in distorted ways specially when it comes to relationships. We need to see things for how they are. We need to check things out and determine what the truth is. We also need to communicate our thoughts and not think others should be mind readers.

Desires - Our desires lie within our boundaries. We all have our own wants, desires, dreams, and wishes. Part of the problem lies in the lack of boundaries within our personality. We don't know who "me" is. We look for things that mask the "real" desires we have. "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask w/ wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." This is a scripture, but does it not make sense in our lives whether we are looking at a Biblical aspect or not? We get what we need mixed up w/ what we think we want. We think we want this, but it is not our true desire. Such as in a sex addict that looks for the sexual experience but really wants love and attention. Make sense? We need to know our boundaries to be able to see what it is we really are desirous of and not settle for the wrong things.

Love - Many folks have trouble giving and receiving love because of fear and hurt. They close their hearts to others and feel empty and meaning less. We need to love ourselves to be loved by others. Our loving heart, just like our physical one, needs an inflow and an outflow of lifeblood. We need to be responsible for the loving function of ourselves and use it. Love rejected or concealed can both kill us. Many are loved by others but still feel loneliness as a result of their own lack of responsiveness. We avoid responsibility in love and we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area. It will open up life to us.

Taking care of what lies within our boundaries isn't easy. Neither is allowing others to take care of what lies within their boundaries. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work.

December 27, 2009
11:40 am
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thank you mama c..alot to think on here!!!!

December 28, 2009
1:08 pm
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Hello Book Clubers!

I was composing this big ol long post for chapter 1 and decided not to finish it.

I'm right in the thick of my boundary issues. Every day presents a test of some sort or other. If it's not with my son, it's with my bf. And especially chapter 2 in regards to the good samaritan.

I have been irresponsible with my relationships. For some reason I keep falling into this mind set of--If I take care of "them" they will see how much I care, and therefore reciprocate. They talk a good game, but clearly ACTION is all that counts. It's a codie trait that has been embedded in me for all of my adult life. I thought I "got it" with my last big relationship. But I didn't. Now I'm in something that is 10x's worse. But you know what? That's OK. It took something like this to WAKE ME UP.

I have always believed that things happen for a reason and if I don't take care of things when I KNOW I should, then the Universe will "help" by showing me in the most DIRECT way there is. The Universe holds no prisoners.

I truly am seeing that I need to claim my heart.

December 28, 2009
4:34 pm
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Glad this book is working for you. It does make a whole lot of sense doesn't it?

Bitsy

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