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BOUNDARIES BOOK STUDY
December 3, 2009
5:47 pm
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mamacinnamon
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We will be starting a book study on the book:

BOUNDARIES by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

The study will start Dec 9 on this thread. On that day we will start discussing Chapter 1, A Day In The Life With Boundaries.

We're glad to have anyone and everyone join.

See ya then.

December 3, 2009
6:03 pm
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Terriberry
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Count me in...!!

I have read thru this book, and would like to read it again. I would love to review it with you. What a great idea... Mamacinnamon!

See you on the 9th.

December 3, 2009
6:06 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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See you then!

Bitsy

December 3, 2009
6:18 pm
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Hepburn
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I'm in!

December 3, 2009
10:49 pm
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red blonde
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Me too!

I need to learn to set boundaries!

December 4, 2009
6:11 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Thanks, MamaC. I just ordered the book, something I planned to do a long time ago so I will at least be reading along with you.

December 4, 2009
1:44 pm
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lovinglife
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Count me in...I have the book AND workbook collecting dust - any wonder why I still have issues with setting boundaries?!

Will it be once a week meet up here to discuss the chapter? A chapter a week???

What a great idea : )

December 5, 2009
9:37 am
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atalose
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I am going to go look for the book this weekend and look forward to this book club, thank you so much mamacinnamon what a great idea!!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 6, 2009
12:17 pm
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Hepburn
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I bought my book last night. Very excited!

At first I couldn't find it because I was looking in the "self help" section. Turns out it was in the Christianity section. Got to admit I was a little turned off at first. Why would it be there? Is it because it mentions God a few times?

December 7, 2009
11:48 am
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Hepburn
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Ok, this book uses the biblical point of view of how to deal with boundaries. No wonder it was in the Christian section.

I'll give it a shot, but I have to say there must be tons of books dealing with boundaries and a "Christian" book is picked? Using scripture as examples?

Sorry, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Kind of feel like I was tricked.

December 7, 2009
1:18 pm
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Terriberry
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Planning on reading my first chapter tonight.

December 7, 2009
2:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hepburn:

No tricking goin on here. When Robbie and I were discussing boundaries this is the only boundary book I have or know of. When I went thru it w/ my friend we didn't focus on the biblical standpoint, just the facts of what the book says to do. No stopping and looking up scripture or Bible discussion was had.

I do hope you will join us. I chose to put it here in Libs because I know it has scriptures in it and it is not allowed on Support, but there was nor is any steering or emphasis that I plan on talking about other than the facts and rules stated in the book.

I do hope that puts your mind at ease a little, and I do hope you will give it a shot.

I'll try to put the hilights together by Wednesday a.m. CST and then open for discussion. I don't have the study guide so anyone that does and wants to put out questions to focus on based on the study guide may do so. I will make this point tho. Becuase of copyright laws you CANNOT put the chapter questions directly as stated in the book. Maybe simplify, reword or mix around, but NO direct context. Make sense? Just want to keep it honest and have no possible problems come up.

See ya'll then.

December 7, 2009
2:49 pm
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robbie2007
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I still havent got the book. when i went to get it they had 2 other books with the same name but they werent the same book.

after that i didnt think we were going to do the book study and never ordered it. Wish I had. it may sound like a small thing, but ive been trying to get my finances on track and i dont really have the money to spend on a book right now.

so i will follow along until i get a little extra $$ to order the book. probably after christmas.

December 8, 2009
12:35 am
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hopeinhim
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I think I might get the book on-line tomorrow! MIght be a bit late for the first chapter.......but, oh well. I will still "dial in".

Good night all!

December 8, 2009
5:22 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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I have the study guide that goes along with the book and videos.

Hepburn if it puts your mind at ease, God does want us to have boundaries. In the Bible it tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, NOT BETTER than we love ourselves and it already assumes we love us. I think you will do ok with it.

Bitsy

December 8, 2009
10:37 pm
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dagonfly
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I would like to join in tomorrow also, so I will see if I can find the book here in my town if not will it be hard to follow on this thread?

December 9, 2009
2:08 am
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mamacinnamon
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Boundaries, Chapter 1, A Day in a Boundaryless Life

Well, The book starts w/ the character, Sherrie. She starts out w/ working out her daily schedule in her head and touching on a few of her stressers. As the day progresses she works her schedule, but things keep popping up and getting in the way. Sherrie cannot say NO and a phone conversation gets in the way of her schedule putting her behind. Then a guy at work talks her into completing his project. So now she is behind in her schedule and has extra things to do. Sound familiar?

Then that evening she has to deal w/ her controling spouse. She ends up not getting the things finished she started out w/ on her schedule.

Sherrie doesn't understand why her life goes this way. She tries to be kind, do things the right way, etc. Life just doesn't work for her. She is left feeling isolated, helpless, confused, guilty. Trying harder didn't work; being nice out of fear didn't work; taking responsibility for others didn't work.

Sherri's lack of saying NO did not just have an impact on herself. It also affected her children in negative ways. Because of the way Sherrie was raised she didn't know what things were her responsibility and what things were not. She grew up doing "the right thing" to avoid conflict. Growing up in church taught her self-sacrifice which also went against setting boundaries. Misinformation on the Bible's interpretation of boundaries has led to much wrong teaching on boundaries.

The following questions are some we can ponder regarding setting boundaries.

Can a person still be a loving person and set boundaries?

what are legitimate boundaries?

If you set boundaries what if it upsets or hurts others?

What do you say to someone who wants your time, energy, love, money?

When you set boundaries why do you feel guilty or afraid?

How do submission and boundaries relate or not relate to each other?

Is setting boundaries a selfish thing to do?

End of chapter one. We are open for discussion now.

December 9, 2009
10:55 am
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red blonde
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WOW!

That is definitely me!!!

December 9, 2009
11:16 am
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red blonde
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I think I will wait on some of the others' answers to the question. I have led mostly a boundaryless life since childhood. Hopefully, their answers will help me to understand how and when to set boundaries with people.

Thanks, MamaC.. I really do need this... even my therapist has trouble with trying to get me to set boundaries.

December 9, 2009
11:18 am
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robbie2007
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MamaC, Thanks for posting....

I had a whole big reply all typed out and deleted it.

hope to get back here tonight when I can focus on just this and not a million other things.

Robbie

December 9, 2009
4:38 pm
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Hepburn
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Good afternoon Book Club people!

I think with any problem, you have to start with the root of it to work on fixing it. And I think the first chapter showed the beginnings of that.

We could all relate to Sherrie in some way shape or form. OR have experienced her situation to a tee.

I agree, those of us who have boundary issues are afraid to say NO. The reason why I was afraid to say no was because I wanted to be liked. Just being myself wasn't enough, and I had always felt that "they" would not take the time to get to know me. Somehow saying no, I felt, was a mark against me and I would be misunderstood. That went for my friends, children, bf, etc.

Of course now that I've been working on having boundaries, I realize that's not true. It's all based on fear.

So as much as I tell myself to put up a boundary with "this" or "that", somehow as time goes on, (especially if it's a BIG boundary) the boundary gets blurry, and before I know it, the boundary that I was so proud of myself for making gets lost. Then the downward spiral starts and I've lost control.

So I'm looking forward to chapter 2!

XO,

Hep

December 9, 2009
5:05 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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I have the study guide that goes along with the video series. I know I have the book but I can't find it.

One example of a boundary is our skin. Our skin keeps our organs and bones inside our body. It is a filter to keep out the bad. Envision putting a protective border around yourself... a second skin. That is what I have been working on. Now when someone asks if they can ask me a favor and if I will do something my answer is a smile and to say "Probably" Whatcha got? Then depending on whether or not I can or want to do it I answer from there, but the important thing is that I haven't committed myself before I know the details. I don't know about the rest of you but this is HUGE for me. I was often agreeing to do things I didn't want to do or had no idea how to do. Now I have an out already built in before I am asked.

I still need to work on boundaries with my ex-husband and even with my daughter. Cat knows all about "me" even though I have tried to shield her. She is quite opinionated about what I wear and SHE IS ONLY 12! My way of dealing with it is to tell her that believe it or not I managed to walk around and dress myself for a few years before she was born...but then it leads to a passive/agressiveness within me.

Others? Thoughts? Comments???

Bitsy

December 10, 2009
3:08 pm
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Terriberry
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I use to always want to say yes to people so that I felt like I fit in.
So they would accept me.

I simply say... "what did you have in mind". That way I dont lock myself into something I havent given much thought to. I also am very leary of anybody who pressures me to do something for them.

December 10, 2009
9:43 pm
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red blonde
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I always felt (perhaps, conditioned to feel that way from Momzilla and dysfunctional family) that if I didn't do what others wanted or expected me to do, that I would be punished or abandoned, that what I wanted or expected from anyone... didn't matter... because I didn't matter.

I really do not know how to set proper (or legitimate) boundaries with people, especially, if I care about them. Guess this is why I am reluctant to let CA gf 'go'.

I give in too much to other people who ask for favors, etc.

December 11, 2009
5:24 am
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darkeyes
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thanks mama c...i never had any boundaries so i never thought anyone else had them...i was in situations and became overwhelmned cos i never knew how i got there... now i step back if someone ask something of me, ans i say, leave it with me,and il get back as soon as..i give myself time to think!!!

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