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bookstudy - Codependent No More - EVERYONE WELCOME
January 11, 2007
11:27 pm
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ggfred4
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I thought I could change my h too, well, that doesn't work...Only we can change ourselves...that took me too long to figure out...

January 11, 2007
11:28 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((((( GG )))))

(((( ARMY )))))

Keep talkin

January 11, 2007
11:29 pm
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armyleo
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(((mamacin)))

I don't know when my co-dependency started? I think when I was young???

Because i remember going to a marriage group before getting married, it was a 2 hour meeting. THey told us, something to the effect, that we cannot change a person, if there was something we didn't like or felt troubled with we should talk before hand about it. I remember thinking to myself, Ha, that's okay, give us some time, we'll change....It was stuck in my mind since then.

He told me ~1 week before that meeting casually talking, when a person makes me mad, I will never forgive or forget. I didn't think it applied to me. However, looking back subconsiously I've always tried not to make him mad.

January 11, 2007
11:32 pm
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ggfred4
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army, I am not sure either when this began with me...I have so much of my childhood I don't remember, but I do remember the parts I told you and I think that is codependent behavior, but not sure. In my early years of marriage though, I know I was much stronger and stood up for myself more than I do now...Somewhere, I gave up...

January 11, 2007
11:33 pm
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armyleo
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yea gg, i'm the same can't pick out a restaurant, or if I do, I think what does he/she want or in the mood for, not what I want.

As for kids, I'm doing that, going to the store @ 10:00pm or getting up early to get something before school. Sometimes I think it's just something they want not need,

January 11, 2007
11:34 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I guess my codependency could have started when I was younger. My mom was depressed a lot and in bed. So, me bein the oldest, I took care of my sis and 2 bros. Nothin I did was ever good enough for my mom. I remember goin to work w/ dad a lot coz mom wanted me out of the house.

January 11, 2007
11:36 pm
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ggfred4
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I cook meals that they like, go to restaurants they like, etc. Right now, I have done so many things I shouldn't do in my physical recovery, because I hate asking for help...Why? afraid they won't, or they will make excuses, and mainly don't want to hear the griping.

January 11, 2007
11:38 pm
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armyleo
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Yes, me too, I remember when we first got married, we did so many things, with family get togethers etc. He never liked it but went along, and I had the family that I wanted....

But since it's progressive, I think the last 2-3 years I've hit rock bottom, with myself...

depression, suicide, not being able to get up, hard time concentrating, not paying attention to kids, angry, feeling hopeless...not pretty.

I too forget alot of things, I think I am a forgetful person, I don't remember but bits and pieces of growing up. Then sometimes I'm scared to try and remember...
Also the bad times or things in my marriage I forget, block out, but I don't think I do it purposely, I just forget and don't remember...

January 11, 2007
11:39 pm
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ggfred4
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Girls, we have accomplished more so far than I expected the first night...discovering our codependencies...Now that I understand it some, I realize almost daily how codependent I have come in recent years.

January 11, 2007
11:40 pm
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mamacinnamon
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GG: Same here for me. I am thinkin of having a nursing agency come in and help me w/ the housework. Hubby is totally against it. He and youngest will help me yet they don't. He says I'll help and then tonight sat there watchin tv while I folded 2 loads of laundry and i'm not to move my right shoulder much right now. I've decided I'm having them come in. But I have spent many years doing exactly what I know I am not to do coz "nobody else will". I've been told just leave it and they will eventually. Nope, doesn't work that way here.

January 11, 2007
11:42 pm
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armyleo
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"Nothin I did was ever good enough for my mom"

I could say the same thing, but keep the word mom and add Husband....

Although my mom doesn't directly say things, but she does alot of inuendos/ or jokenly says something..gosh I hate when she did/does that

January 11, 2007
11:43 pm
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armyleo
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Mama can they come to help when he is at work??? That way he may not say much

January 11, 2007
11:44 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I can try for that. He doesn't go to work till the afternoon tho. Hopefully so.

January 11, 2007
11:45 pm
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ggfred4
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mamac,I understand...Now stand up for yourself and get help please. You need to heal...

Last night I stood up for myself..I wanted to try it...I wanted some diet cokes (my habit) from the store as I was out. I asked two daughters, but they made their excuses while they didn't have time. (Now in case someone that doesn't know me is reading this, I can't walk now, much less drive) So when the h came home from work, I asked him nicely...I knew the answer...No,you don't need those...etc. Well, I wanted one...So I surprised me and said, "If you won't go to the store for me, then I will call Sharon (friend) and I know she will be glad to". Well, my husband hates getting embarrassed and 15 min. later, I had some diet cokes...big step for me there...

January 11, 2007
11:46 pm
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armyleo
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funny I didn't think I said alot but just let out a big sigh...

Guess we did accomplish alot...and yes, I learn more all the time.

January 11, 2007
11:47 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ladies:

Wow we've gone a long way and I've said things i just don't talk about so if it comes out kinda strange forgive me.

GG and Army... I think we should put a time on the study as in 1 hour. Folks can stay and visit as long as ya'll want, but that way others will know they can leave.

GG: I will post the characteristics tomorrow on this thread. Do we want to discuss them next week? or Do we want to move on into Chapter 5 Detachment?

January 11, 2007
11:50 pm
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ggfred4
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I still think we should discuss characteristics...

Girls, I said more tonight than I ever expected...the online coda meetings have helped me in that area. I am so PROUD of both of you for sharing your life with me and thankful...We can learn from each other...

Need to go, and thank you for tonight.

Keep in touch.....gg

January 11, 2007
11:50 pm
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mamacinnamon
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GG: way to go. 🙂

Armyangel: You said lots. I'm proud of you. Wasn't so hard was it.

I wanted to ask also... Are we meeting Thurs and Fri or just every Thursday?

Ya'll let me know

January 11, 2007
11:50 pm
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armyleo
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Why don't we answer the questions after characteristics, next week, that's how we seemed to get started tonight? Just a thought..

January 11, 2007
11:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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OK.. I'll post the characteristics w/n the next few days. Gonna take some correcting after the scanner on those coz of the setup.

Next meeting will be next Thursday 9:30 cst/ 7:30 pst.

Have a great night all.

(((GG)))

(((ARMY)))

🙂

January 11, 2007
11:54 pm
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mamacinnamon
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OH PS.... (i'm good at ps')

Please feel free to post on this thread any time during the week or whenever.

January 11, 2007
11:54 pm
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armyleo
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We can meet twice a week, however I don't think consecutive dates, should we try Tuesday and Thursday, and if it doesn't work go back to just Thursdays...

Thanks for tonight...I think it went well.

(((mamacin))) I know it's hard for you with your pain, means alot to me that your here.

(((gg)))

January 11, 2007
11:56 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I'm open for whenever. Just let me know.

January 12, 2007
1:46 am
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free
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Dang, you peoples did alot!

I haven't been able to bring some of the promises about in my life. It's like at first things go so fast, and then it slows down.

Codependency for me began in childhood. Long story short- I was sexually assaulted, didn't report, did not share with my family for fear of them being hurt. I told a few friends, they didn't really know what to do, 2 of them "investigated" to see if what I was saying was real. During the initial stages of survivorhood, I came to the conclusion that people are not trustworthy, and that the only way I could survive life is by myself. I built a protective box around myself, my shell. This meant creating and maintaining an image. Not sharing weaknesses about myself. Not being "real." Then I lost who I was. became a chameleon. I could blend into any crowd kuz I became hypersensitive to what people wanted to hear and what I thought they wanted me to be. At the same time, I was hostile- (still am, but not as bad). I didn't like people, but needed them to define my self worth. People scared me, intimidated me, and that made me feel hostile towards them. I became a rescuer, a fixer. My self worth depended on my fixing and rescuing others. I couldn't rescue myself, so I sought out others to rescue.

And so began abusive relationships. I didn't see these guys as abusive, I saw them as hurting wounded puppies. I just knew that I would never be horrible like their exes, and I could make them happy. Yes, with me they would be happy and my life would be complete.

I couldn't stand to see other people hurting. I wanted to take that hurt away. I hurt so much that more hurt on my shoulders would be okay- no sense in both of us hurting. became a martyr. Sacrifice myself for others.

So, I didn't like people kuz they hurt me and so I felt hostile towards them. But I needed people to define my self worth, couldn't bear the thought of others hurting like I did, and felt a compulsion to rescue & fix.

I remember walking down a street in San Francisco. and thinking- wow, I turn left, people, turn right, people, People in front, people in back, I bumped into people. From the depths of my soul I'm screaming so loud, and nobody hears, nobody sees. Yet the streets are filled with people.

I was full-blown co-dependent.

free

January 12, 2007
2:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((FREE)))

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