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Book Study"Codependent No More" Chpt.8 Remove the Victim
February 22, 2007
6:12 pm
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mj
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Tonight is the Book Study at 7:30Pacific time for all who can join!

February 22, 2007
10:38 pm
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armyleo
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Hi I'm here...May not be able to be here long...~1/2 hour...

Okay I finally understand the book, and yes I have been on all sides of the triangle...

And I must admit, I rescue, say yes when i mean no, make excuses for etc. Then I get all upset and angry, then I guess I feel like a victim.

Although I always thought it was me!!! I didn't realize there was a name for this...

February 22, 2007
10:43 pm
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armyleo
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What also caught my eye about the book is that it says that co-dependents at some time in their life were true victims...

I wondered, how I could be co-depedent in 5 months, when I realized what was happening...but this started much earlier when I was small.

"Rescusing is not an act of Love" - Well blow me away...I always thought the opposite...I always thought I kept feelings to myself made execuses etc. because I loved him....

February 22, 2007
10:56 pm
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armyleo
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Well I had a really anxious day today...I went from good to bad...I started out with good intentions...then it spiraled out of control, and I couldn't stop it or didn't know how to bring my thinking back...I got a good suggestion, here so hopefully I can try that next time.

Just needed to share that...Then I forgot my book, so I wasn't able to finish the chapter, or the exercises...

I didn't want to let you guys down...

mj, thanks for helping and being active in the book study through out the week.

To the rest of everyone thanks for sharing....

February 23, 2007
6:15 am
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ggfred4
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Bev, WOW, what a post!!! I learned a lot there.

mj, Good luck on your job interview and for contributing so much on this thread; It gave me a lot to reflect on.

army, miss you and know you have had an anxious day, here are some hugs to you and I love reading your responses and seeing your growth here on this site even if you may not see it.

soprano, the unexpected return of your h? Is that temporary or what? Just wondering and worrying....take care of yourself, please...

As for the book, in relationships I tend to give more and leave little for myself. I have been wondering why and I believe it is because of low self-worth. I like doing for others and really expect nothing in return. I don't deserve it according to me. When I do get any attention or care from others, I do not know how to receive it. I mean that I seek and want the attention, the comfort, the love, but when given it, I may even reject it. I am hoping when my self-esteem improves, that this scenario will improve. I have had too many one-way relationships. I don't think I just explained myself well, but maybe someone understood as it is still confusing to me.

February 23, 2007
7:15 am
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bevdee
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gg

"I like doing for others and really expect nothing in return." I have a question. When this happens? And you really get nothing in return, do you feel the tiniest bit of resentment or hurt?

February 23, 2007
4:40 pm
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mj
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Sorry I missed the study last night. I had every intention of being here, and then at 7 twisted my knee. Sorry Army that you were alone in the study for the 1/2 hr or so that you alloted.

Love to All and thanks for working on this chapter with me!

February 23, 2007
8:01 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Folks...

I am well-known for being a giver too and yes we will always be disappointed with many people who would not appreciate our kindness. That's why we have to develop a discerning spirit of who's worthy of our friendship and who's out.

I am pasting a post by Nappy that gave me so much encouragement and wisdom. I hope it would have the same impact on you either.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; BE KIND ANYWAY.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; SUCCEED ANYWAY

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY.

What you spend years building, someone could detroy overnight. BUILD ANYWAY

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; BE HAPPY ANYWAY

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; DO GOOD ANYWAY

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY

You see, in the final analysis, it is between YOU and GOD; IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM .......ANYWAY.

God Bless! Nappy

Ohhhhh how TRUE is that! Thanks Nappy for this encouraging thread. Bless you heart (((Sweet Nappy)))!

~Ras

February 24, 2007
2:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ras.. Thank you for sharing that from Nappy.

Nappy.. You have such wise words to say. I most always get something new and good from your posts. Thank you for bein here.

I don't have anything to add to this week. MJ you did a most wonderful job of putting this chapter up. Thank you so very much. Now I want to humbly ask you to take posting the rest of the study for me please. You do an excellent job and you can see how much folks benefit from your words. I most certainly do.

Starting next Tuesday I am going into a physical therapy program in hopes it will help my health. I saw a new doc this last week and he thinks he can help me, but he said it will be long and slow goin. He said this first month I will hurt like hell, hate him, want to die, and do a lot of mind over body will. That bein the case then I don't think I can continue on here for the study. Not sure how much I will be able to get around honestly. So, I just wanted to ask for prayers, good wishes from those who don't pray, and if you will keep me uplifted. I'm gonna need a huge amount of support he said. Mostly from my family. I just hope they will follow thru. Anyway, ramblin aside.... thank in advance.

And MJ thank you for taking the book study posting. You'll do great at the job. 🙂

February 24, 2007
2:36 pm
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bevdee
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MamaC

I send you positive thoughts. I hope there will be eventual benefit from the pain.

I hope you will feel well enough to be here occasionally. Your contributions are immeasurable.

(((MamaC)))

February 24, 2007
3:59 pm
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Rasputin
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Mama -

Sorry to hear about your indisposition/health condition. I hope and pray you will feel the least amount of pain and this ordeal will pass so quickly.

Please keep us posted. If you start a prayer thread downstairs, more folks woud be aware of you and your situation and would keep you in their prayers since that side is more viewed by people.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

February 24, 2007
4:18 pm
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mj
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Hi Mamacinnamon and All,

Hope you get to feeling better MC. Positive thoughts to you.

Is anyone interested in doing the next Chapter posting?

February 24, 2007
4:25 pm
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mamacinnamon
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MJ:

Have I put a task on you unjustly? I'm sorry if I did. I don't want you to feel I just dumped this into your lap. If this is something you are not comfy w/ doin please say so. If nobody else will take the postings then I'll see what I can do from my end. I don't want to see this study fall coz Army needs it and honestly, i do too.

Let me know ok.

February 24, 2007
4:29 pm
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mj
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I understand your need to take care of yourself. I applaud you for asking someone else to take over. I am capable of doing it, I just thought that maybe someone else would like to share in the responsibilities of the book study. It is to help us all and I like to participate but not control. That's where I am at.

February 24, 2007
4:34 pm
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Rasputin
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Folks...I might be able to start the next chapter which I believe # 9. Just give me some time.

Tonite, unfortunately I can't. Probably tom.

February 24, 2007
4:46 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I understand MJ. Thanks. I just felt I had put you on the spot w/o meaning to. I'm glad I didn't.

Yeah, that control thing. I find I have a problem w/ it and do work hard to try to not. Guess it shows sometimes anyway. 🙂

Thanks MJ and Ras and all.

February 24, 2007
4:59 pm
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mj
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Thanks Ras for stepping up to the plate!

I agree MC that this has been a very beneficial book study. Studying each chapter fully is helping me become aware of my character traits and feelings. I am really enjoying working the chapters thoroughly too. I am learning so much from others shares. I hope that you and everyone else will continue contributing and sharing. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to help too. I helped myself realize how much pressure I put on myself to be perfect 🙂 I also discovered that I caretake alot. I am going to try and put these new ideas in practice in my life. My best to you always.

February 24, 2007
6:38 pm
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soprano2
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Mama--sorry that you are down, but at least the doctor is trying some new things for you. And with new things comes new hope.

I am looking forward to the next chapter as well. I wish that I could help post this week, but this situation that I am in keeps getting more and more hectic.

Right now I am in Chicago dropping off my kids, hoping that the horrible snow storm that is coming this way doesn't get too bad so that I can get home for my surgery on Monday.

Well, my dad woke up with severe chest pains--off to the hospital my mom and dad go. I am hoping that everything is okay. I am at the house with the kids still, so they are going to keep me posted.

My brother is now going to come to Chicago and help watch the kids--especially if my dad spends the week in the hospital.

I tried to make light of the matter and told my dad to stop having sympathy pains for my surgery. At least he smiled.

Hoping to see you all next week. I will keep you posted.

February 24, 2007
9:18 pm
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mj
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(((((Soprano)))))

I am so glad you arrived safely. I am soooo sorry to hear about your father. How worrisome for all of you. Isn't this life. You think you have enough on your plate and you get more. Please take care of yourself and I hope that your father will be okay. Sending love and positive energy to you and yours. Take care Dear.

February 27, 2007
12:05 pm
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mj
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Just wanting you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing a speedy recovery.

March 1, 2007
10:58 pm
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mj
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