Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
book study: The Highly Sensitive Person in Love
February 24, 2007
3:06 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love
by Elaine Aron

Southgoingzax (Zax) and I are going to read this book together and share comments on it and how this knowledge can inform our understanding of our needs in relationship.

Anyone else who identifies as HSP (highly sensitive person as defined by Elaine Aron) or who wants to better understand their HSP partner is welcome to join in.

So, Zax, there is an Introduction plus 9 chapters to explore here. Shall we start with the Introduction? I'll have to come back later to comment more... just wanted to get this thread up to get us started.

February 24, 2007
3:51 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, that's a Wonderful initiative Kroika. Thanks hon for this thoughtful thread! I would love to join even tho I haven't got the book - since I am Unfortunately, LOL HSP!!!

February 24, 2007
4:08 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would love to join to. I just found out that I am HSP. I think it will help me all round not just in my relationship.

February 25, 2007
9:18 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

OK, well I'll kick things off by listing the parts I underlined when I read this book before. These are the things that stood out for me from the Introduction. (Page references are from the 2001 paperback edition. Let me know if yours doesn't match...)

p.4 "one's degree of sensitivity, and inherited temperament in general, is the most neglected factor in understanding the success of relationships."

p.6 "Every relationship is also unique. So please read this book with many grains of salt, taking only what is useful."

p. 7 (from the section "If You Have a Partner Who Probably Will Not Read This Book") "remember, interest comes and goes, as do fears. People open to new ideas when they are relaxed and secure that they are appreciated."

p. 8 "much of this book is based on solid research -- both my own and that of the leading researchers in the fields of adult temperament and close relationships"

p. 9 "My goal has been to provide some authentic answers, not just my opinion, to questons such as:
Are HSPs likely to pair up with other HSPs? And if they do, are they happier?
What are the typical problems of two HSPs versus an HSP and a non-HSP?
What are HSPs' strengths and weaknesses in relationships?
How does being highly sensitive affect one's sexual life or one's likelihood of ending a relationship?"

p. 10 "Depth psychology is ... needed for plumbing the seabed of love, those dark places that are home to what is scary, strange, forbidden, forgotten, sometimes violently repressed. ... sudden deep love is almost always an eruption from these depths."

p. 10 "many profound loves remain secret, are never reciprocated, or flash briefly and die."

p. 10 "love... is always an opportunity to step inside and grow in our integrity and insight."

Next comes the self-test and then the partner-test for HSP.

Anyone care to comment or share your score on the test? I'll redo mine and post in a little while.

February 25, 2007
10:09 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Of the 21 items on the self-test, I answered "True" to 16 of them, with a couple more that are probably true also.

Oddly enough, though, I didn't feel I knew my exbf well enough to complete the partner test with much confidence. There were only 4 items I could definitely mark True, and one I think is probably true. The rest, I was guessing, although I have suspected he might be HSP.

Anyone else?

February 26, 2007
3:19 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Do we have to have/purchase the book if we want to join in discussion; Or if someone is going to type some highlights of every chapter, the way we're doing with Melody's book here?

February 26, 2007
5:01 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

I think it makes more sense to have the book, because HSP is a specific neurological category, which is discussed in the book. It's about how our brain processes information, and how our nervous system gets overwhelmed by stimulus that non-HSP people don't even notice. As opposed to just "feeling like we are a sensitive person".

I expect as we read through, each person will be commenting on things that stood out for them. I only reproduced a list of quotes from the introduction to start things off; I don't know if I will be doing the same for every other chapter, or if anyone else would want to take that on.

So, if the discussion is valuable to anyone without the book, that's fine. But I think having the book is the ideal, especially for anyone who wants to take part in the discussion and not just read it. I think most libraries would have a copy, or be able to get one in via inter-library loan, if you cant't or don't want to buy one.

February 26, 2007
6:05 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Would you please, if it's possible to give a definition of HSP by Elaine Aron? Maybe the test as well? I would gladly buy the book if I could relate. I don't know if I can though, not knowing what is her understanding of HSP.

February 26, 2007
6:08 pm
Avatar
bevdee
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 259
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Matteo,

If Kroika's not around, here are a couple of websites that the author has.

http://www.hsperson.com/

http://www.sensitiveperson.com/

Bevdee

February 26, 2007
8:02 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Bev, thanks for posting those links. The first one leads to a letter from Elaine Aron and an easy link to the self-test.

It's a slightly longer, 27-item test; oops, I see I mis-counted the items on the test in the book. There are 22 items on the test in the book, and the same 22 items plus 5 more on the test at the website.

The other website Bev posted is a much larger "community forum" where HSPs discuss a huge array of topics. I don't think it is associated directly with Elaine Aron.

Matteo, if you take the test and end up not considering yourself HSP, you might still find the information valuable for understanding the HSPs in your life -- especially an HSP partner!

Hoping to hear from Zax soon....

February 26, 2007
9:56 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, bevdee and kroika. I am a member on the "community forum" actually and Aron's definition as I read from the link is more less the same. I didn't know about the books she wrote and I think discussion about one of them by people who are HSPs is a good idea...It is nice to recognize HS and talk about it more in depth, but then on the other hand when psychologist will start digging into it and labeling it, it might not turn as desirable as one would wish for… I am not sure what Aron means by "in depth research", how large her samplings were and over what period of time and so on, so as I said, I am both grateful and skeptical. I also think that there might be big differences between individuals; just from reading the earlier mentioned forums, I realized that while I can absolutely relate to many issues, there are some reactions and concerns which seem pretty appalling to me, but they are shared by many. Lastly, which might be connected to previous point, my pet theory is that many well-functioning narcissists, who most often are not diagnosed with their personality disorder, are HSPs: my mother, for one, is for sure - so there might be many differences among HSPs. This group, which after all is estimated as one fifth of the population might be very diverse and HSPs might have various responses, many more than it might be addressed in this “in depth” research. I am sure that my mother’s love life concerns would be quite different if not the opposite to my concerns in that area.

March 2, 2007
12:38 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Anybody home?

Zax, you must be busy. Ras, TT, Matteo, bevdee... hope to hear more from you if you've decided to read along with the book.

Matteo, that's an interesting point you've raised, that being HSP does not preclude a person from also having a personality disorder. HSP's are indeed a diverse bunch of people as you will know if you've roamed around the 'community forum' much.

Elaine Aron gives a bit of explanation of "depth psychology" versus the pure research approach on pg. 8 - 10 in the introduction of The HSP in Love. It might be interesting for you to read the book and see if it gives you any additional insight into your mother.... just a thought.

I'll plan to come back here soon and write some responses to Chapter 1 -- "Temperament, Love, and Sensitivity". I wasn't thinking this discussion would necessarily be as structured as the one about Codependent No More. What do others think/ want?

March 6, 2007
12:05 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi kroika,

I'm so so sorry, I have been swamped with work and school and haven't had time to think, much less get around to posting.

I actually don't have much to say about the first chapter (I am somewhere in chapter three right now, I think)...I think the framework Aron has established is generally sound - it became more realistic to me after the analogy of animal species having two different types of "personalities". But overall, it seemed a little too...emotional? for me? Maybe that's just because of where I am in my life, my experiences, but I cringe a bit when I read about getting in touch with or appreciating one's sensitive side. Probably because I have been conditioned to hate that side, to not have that side...to not admit to that side. So I struggled to get through this first chapter....the next two were easier though.

Also, I mentioned this to my counselor - she hadn't heard of HSP - not that it means anything, but I wonder how widely accepted this paradigm is in psychology.

Anyway, sorry i don't have any deeper insights....only one final observation - does anyone have a relationship where the SO would actually read/participate in this book-process? I guess it must happen, funny though how that seems so foreign to me.

I hope you're doing well,

zax

March 6, 2007
2:07 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hi Zax,

Good to see you here! I'm glad you could get a moment from all your other things going on, to come and post.

That's a good question, as to how many counsellors are aware of HSP, and how well-known it is as a concept in the therapeutic world. I don't think my counsellor had heard of it either, when I told her about it 5 years ago, but she got the book and thinks it makes sense, so I believe she has assimilated the idea into her way of thinking about her clients.

I have heard more talk these days about "neurodiversity" as well as innate temperament. Stephen Pinker's book The Blank Slate a few years ago got a fair bit of attention as a challenge to the idea that nature counts for nothing, and nurture for everything, which was popular in the human potential movement of the 70's.

You have mentioned before what a struggle it is for you to accept any vulnerability in yourself, let alone treat it kindly... it will be interesting to see if that changes as we go through this book.

You may have read in my "desperately seeking" thread that A is kind of back on the scene... so I'm glad to be re-reading this book for myself!

I see that Chapter 3, where you are, is about HSPs and the Fear of Intimacy. Yes, a topic I need some help with! (And so does A...) I will catch up and join you there soon.

Just a quick note from Chapter 2, where she writes about the distinction between HSP and codependency. Here's the quote from p.57 that I found so helpful: "Being highly sensitive to others' emotional needs, including your partner's, is not codependency. Codependency arises when you make the wrong response to the other's needs. [...] being highly sensitive absolutely demands that you develop good boundaries -- boundaries that let in what is useful and keep out what is not. What's not useful includes others' needs for you to respond in ways they want rather than in ways good for both of you. [...] Many of you use your sensitivity to please others too much, or go to the other extreme and accept the idea that you are weak -- unless you shut your sensitivity down."

Oh, and about partners willing to read such a book? Well, I don't think A ever will. But I did meet someone on another forum who actually did do stuff like that with his partner, so apparently they do exist. I was very envious!!

March 7, 2007
2:48 am
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Kroiks,

you are being quiet, as usual, about the return of A - all I could find on the other side was a brief comment that he seems to be back around - anything else you would like to share? I think just thinking of making some changes in your life (like getting a day job), even if you don't follow through, is a good thing - sometimes we need to consider (or reconsider) our options.

Anyway, I may come back and post more on chapter two - right now the tests in chapter three and the eight fears of HSPs were kind of surprising to me - I am not afraid of abandonment, according to those questions, which really seems the opposite of what I feel. I am also not afraid of committment or of engulfment. I am afraid of angry attacks, though, and I think it is because of this most recent relationship with P - I used to be quite confrontational and spoke my mind whenever I felt like it. Now, everything is hushed...Speaking out only gets us in a fight, it does not ever lead him to seeing my perspective. So there's that.

A note on the being afraid of being bored/annoyed by someone....it seems to me that this only happens with nice guys. I have had relationships with perfectly nice men, and I couldn't stand something, pretty much anything...the nasal breathing, the slightly moldy smell to one of them, the rubber fish lips, the long pauses while one would put his thoughts together, pretty much anything I could find to dislike, I did. So why, with P, can I tolerate the slurping of coffee, the wild eye-brow hair, and the chewing with his mouth open? Why doesn't it bother me to the point of distraction as it did before with other men?

Just thoughts, I will write more later. Now I have to go to bed.

zax

March 7, 2007
1:21 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry Kroika. Been busy lately and just found your thread.

Although I haven't purchased the book, but it would be my pleasure to partcipate in this thread being HSP myself.

Mj & I are starting another book study here on Chapter 10 of Melody's book and would love to see you all there.

(((Kroika)))

March 10, 2007
2:11 pm
Avatar
white dove
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi south
Can i butt in for a few, i was talking to Ras about HSP recently in support then saw your thread, can i ask what the books called and who by please.
also what is in the list that you say ins chapter 3 of this book. im very intrested i this. im struggling bad with having HSP and trying to understanding it.

white dove

March 10, 2007
7:09 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hi White Dove...

I remember your name. Welcome aboard!

If you scroll to the top of the screen and click on "view all posts" you will see this whole thread which I started a couple of weeks ago.

I had intended to be posting more regularly, but life has happened while i was busy making other plans... so this is turning out to be rather a sporadic book discussion.

glad to see you here,
regards, kroika

March 11, 2007
11:31 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi white dove,

the book is called "the highly sensitive person in love" by elaine aron. The chapter in question discusses the common fears HSPs have about intimacy. There are eight, listed below:

1. The fear of Exposure and rejection.

2. The fear of angry attacks.

3. Fear of abandonment.

4. Fear of loss of control.

5. Fear of one's own "attack and destroy" impulses.

6. Fear of being engulfed.

7. Fear of committment.

8. fear of disliking the Other for subtle annoyances.

There is for this chapter, and also for the others, a self-quiz to help you pinpoint your own issues with each chapter topic. Please feel free to get the book and join in our discussion.

I like this chapter better than the first two - I can relate to these feelings/issues without feeling it is so "touchy-feely" that I can't associate myself with HSPs...

The rest of the chapter on the four attachment styles was also enlightening...but I find myself frustrated when I don't fit neatly into the box - as in, "yes, that's me exactly!", an AHA moment....I want to fit neatly into some category so that I can understand my behavior in a simple, linear cause/behavior kind of way...but I never seem to - Everything is shaded gray for me that I can never fit myself into a box, or really anyone I know.

My attachment style is a mix between the dissmissive avoidant style and the fearful avoidant style. Maybe 80-20. The interesting thing is that the dissmissive avoidant style is "more common among men". I have ALWAYS had trouble connecting with women and learned in my women's studies courses that my communication style is much more like a man's than a woman's - so this is just an additional confirmation that I do not relate to people the way a "typical" woman does, which makes people uncomfortable because I don't behave in a way they can predict or are familiar with. Also of interest is that this is also considered a pattern of narcissistic behavior - really? Because I feel like I am incredibly compassionate and empathetic - to the point that I have to shut down, i can't stand to feel all of that - I don't feel that I dislike people but rather that I tell myself I just don't need close friendships...does that make sense?

Anyway, I could talk a lot more about this chapter, but I haven't finished reading it yet and I need to get to bed - I think I am coming down with a cold.

take care, kroiks, hope to talk to you soon,

zax

March 12, 2007
12:37 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am HSP, but what I wonder is, if one is not HSP are they not affected by these traits, or are they not affected to the degree that HSP's are?

The website is fascinating. Was reading that laws are already in place in Europe to protect HSP's in the work place, as they seem to be singled out to be bullied, etc.

March 12, 2007
10:35 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi on my way,

the book does talk about that - that there are different types of attchment styles, different personality styles (even within HSPs as a group) etc., and that these issues are by no means exclusive to HSPs - it's just that relationships tend to be....more involved for us, because our feelings are more intense, we dwell on things more, are more acutely aware of sensations, feelings, etc. So HSPs tend to hve stronger reactions to love and relationships because we are that much more sensitive to things...not that non-HSPs don't experience these same fears or attachment issues...that's all.

There are laws in Europe protecting HSPs? I'm on the wrong continent.

Hi and welcome!

zax

March 13, 2007
9:01 am
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi all,
Hope you don't mind, thought I would post the actual article, and will post the specific website...it is one of the better ones for HSP's that I have found. Website:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/2Nov06.htm

Not only in Europe,

"Sensitivity and Work :
HSPs and "Bullying" in the Work Place--Changes are Coming

There has been a change in the business world's perception of bullying in the work place, which I think has a great deal to do with HSPs. Hence, even never-bullied-at-work readers should find this a satisfying report.

The change is that bullying and "mobbing"--bullying by a group--are at last becoming the subject of research and interventions in the United States (it has been a serious issue in Europe for years). And it is about time: In a survey of companies done by the U.S. government, 24 percent reported some degree of bullying in the previous year.

Defining Bullying

If you are sensitive, bullying can be as simple as incivility, which is defined as "low intensity deviant behavior with ambiguous intent to harm and which violates the norms of respect" (Andersson and Pearson, Academy of Management Review, vol. 24, 452-472). However, some who study bullying feel there must always be intent to harm.

For example, if a gruff person is bluntly, loudly critical by nature, not realizing this is distressing you, it's not quite bullying, at least by one definition. You would be able to stop it by addressing it. Since this can be very difficult, you might say nothing and go on feeling bullied, but technically that is not what is happening. (We hope you would eventually be able to say something like, "I guess I need to explain that when you speak the way you just did, it distracts and distresses me, even though I know you don't meant to, but I just can't give you my best work when you're talking to me like that.")

But even if the incivility is unintended but continues, or an HSP does not even feel bullied, but blames himself or herself for being "too sensitive" or a "wimp," harm is still being done. A study of 5,000 people in the United Kingdom by the British Occupational Health Research Foundation found that even if the victims don't recognize that they are being bullied, their mental health is still affected. More on the health costs later.

The expert on the subject, Gary Namie, director of the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute in Bellingham, Washington, skips the issue of intent and goes to the effect on others. He defines bullying as "repeated, health-harming mistreatment of an employee by one or more persons, manifested in one or more ways: verbal abuse or threatening and intimidating conduct (verbal or nonverbal) that interferes with work and undermines legitimate business interests."

Just as important as overt bullying behavior, however, is the subtle non-behavior: not informing targets of important meetings, not sharing essential information for a task, or not including the target in an important e-mail. And there's micromanaging, as if the problem is the target's poor performance and not the bully's hostility. And there's undermining a person's reputation behind his or her back, and general "office politics" that have become intentionally unethical and dishonest.

One researcher, Helge Hoel, says an important defining feature of bullying is that the targets feel unable to defend against or control what is being done to them. Indeed, in some companies verbal abuse is condoned as simply a tough management style. To protest would be futile. In this climate, if someone is micromanaged, it is assumed the employee is not meeting expectations. And ostracism may seem like just a "personality conflict" or something the person should be able to handle on his or her own. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. One study found that in such a work environment, confronting a bully, as is so often advised, only led confronters to be harassed or ostracized by other co-workers as well. And those who complained to management about a bully end up fired, demoted, or given a poor performance review.

HSPs and Bullying

How is this relevant to a newsletter for highly sensitive people? The fact is, HSPs are likely targets. You can probably imagine the reasons:

We can seem weak because we prefer to be soft spoken and kind.
Our first defense is to try to please, which makes us seem to be accepting domination.
Or we opt for peacemaking and compromise rather than go on the offensive, another sign of weakness to a bully--the predator is only excited by all of this.
We have stronger emotional responses, so bullies can see when they are getting through to an HSP. This is even more reason for chop licking.
HSPs are usually conscientious workers, and especially dedicated when they find their work meaningful. So we are often quite popular with those above us in rank as well as anyone counting on us. We also often have the best ideas and the most knowledge about the task and how it needs to be done within the context of the larger goals of the organization. And especially compared to bullies, we usually have greater integrity and higher moral standards. Since bullies lack all of these charms and are doing as little as possible, or else scheming their way to the top, an HSP is often making them look very, very bad.
Help If You Are a Bullied HSP

This is not an article on how to handle being bullied, since that advice would probably apply to very few readers at any given time, but there is quite a bit of help available. Barrie Jaeger in Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person (you can purchase it from this site) has good advice. For example, standing up for your self, of course, but also going on the offensive--and she teaches how to do it.

I can also recommend Joseph Badaracco's Leading Quietly (Harvard Press, 2002--Amazon has it). The subtitle is "an unorthodox guide to doing the right thing," and offers subtle strategies for besting those who are not doing right thing when direct confrontation is apt to have repercussions for your self.)

And perhaps the best on bullying is The Bully at Work, by Gary and Ruth Namie (Sourcebooks, 2000). Gary directs the institute mentioned above.

The High Cost of Bullying—Losing HSPs

What I find fascinating about this topic and want to emphasize is that a major reason that companies are becoming concerned about bullying is that they are noticing they often lose the most qualified professionals, the most dedicated workers, not people with personality problems. I suspect many of these valued employees are HSPs, and someone is getting it that losing them is bad business.

Other Costs--Employee Sickness and, Yes, Lawsuits

Another reason for the new interest is the cost to employee health. Again, this is probably most noticeable in bullied HSPs, because the health problems are all stress related, of course--familiar to all HSPs. For example a study of 5,432 Finnish hospital employees found that prolonged bullying resulted in increased cardiovascular disease, as well as weight gain. Other studies, by the World Health Organization, found the same plus that bullying leads to high blood pressure, heart palpitations, migraines, fatigue, muscle pain, and ulcers. The same study found psychological symptoms too, of course: lowered self-confidence, confusion and embarrassment, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, irritability, apathy, hyper arousal, insecurity, and intrusive thoughts, plus increased drinking, family conflict and social withdrawal. Another study found that bully-related stress is more detrimental to health than overwork, long hours, or even being unemployed. And a study done in England found that victims of bullying for more than two years had more symptoms of posttraumatic stress than a comparison group of U.N. personnel recently returned from a war zone. Nasty stuff.

But equally interesting is the fear of law suits. Bullying is beginning to be viewed as being similar to sexual harassment, and why not? It's out of place at work. People should not be allowed to do anything to others beyond what a "reasonable person" would find acceptable--which is how sexual harassment was finally defined. The old attitude is passing, that targets of bullies create their own problems by not standing up for themselves, just as the old attitude has passed that women are the cause of sexual harassment simply by their choosing to enter the traditionally male arena of work. It seems ridiculous when you think about, doesn't it?

Soon We May Be Protected by Law

Quebec, Norway, Sweden, and France have antipsychological harassment laws already, although there are none in the U.S., yet. The Healthy Workplace Bill is being introduced in nine states. It would allow the severely bullied victim to sue the bully or the company. But the company would only be liable if it failed to stop the bullying, so there would be an incentive for companies to change.

Such laws will be needed at first so that all organizations will be forced to follow the same rules, should some fear that the effort to stop bullying will cost them money. In time, however, it will be clear that bullying--like sexual harassment and second hand smoke—are bad for the bottom line as well as for people, and should never have been allowed in the first place.

Bullying Grows Up

One reason for this new view of bullying is that the same change has occurred in school settings. How long did we hear that children should be left to work it out for themselves out on the play ground, meaning that the target of bullying will have to learn to fight back? That attitude did enormous harm, especially to sensitive children. But now the view is that it is up to the school, from the principal to the classroom teacher, to change the social climate by developing respect for differences in personality as well as gender, race, and ethnicity. Everyone deserves respect. And there are model programs that schools can adopt--ways teachers can develop and role model prosocial behavior. Since bullies often end up being the ones rejected, ultimately (and a few then get a gun to get even), these programs are as good for bullies as for their targets. Everyone tends to feel better in an anti-bullying, respect-everyone environment.

I suspect these changes in schools are coming about in part due to the recognition that sensitive children exist and are not only normal, except for their sensitivity, but often highly gifted or at least bright, conscientious children with good futures. Their parents are probably speaking up too. No child should be emotionally damaged by bullying, but it helps to realize that some sensitive children simply cannot be expected to stand up to those with the other extreme of temperament, or to those damaged by prior neglect or abuse.

Similarly, businesses are realizing they are responsible for bullying and are losing their most gifted employees--probably many of them HSPs--if they let it continue. Not to mention allowing an environment of distrust, poor communication, and general low morale. Hence numerous programs are being developed to systematically foster attitudes of respect and collaboration. Most notably, IBM has reworked their company goals to include, first, creating a culture of trust, in which intimidation is not tolerated (and they have fired people for bullying), and second, formalizing core values and employment guidelines that make all of that clear.

Given the legal, health, and economic reasons for stopping bullying, it seems that change is coming. HSPs were probably the most affected by sexual harassment and smoking in public places, too--things which now no "reasonable person" is expected to tolerate. And we were the first to notice and complain. Perhaps next we can point out the need for general civility, quiet, natural light, and fresh air. Then why don't we go for less war and more diplomacy and foresight? No reasonable person wants other people killed, either."

March 13, 2007
11:11 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Thanks, OMW!

I've just skimmed so far -- will look in more depth later. I did notice, however, that the province of Quebec is up there with Norway, Sweden and France in having antipsychological harrassment laws. I hope the rest of Canada catches up soon! (hmmm, maybe I should get involved....)

...

As for HSP in Love, I will make an effort to post something soon!

March 15, 2007
5:13 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW...I can't believe how many times I've had an abusive supervisor/boss just like the descriptions you gave in your Awesome article!!!

I really saw my self and my bullying supervisors in that article you posted!!!

The problem with that is YES, it is more traumatizing when you happen to be HSP. I remember each time I had to go thru a healing process whereby I have to forgive that boss or supervisor and sometimes the bitter/scary feelings just linger and you start to feel as if every new supervisor would be another bullying copy of the previous one.

Once I've had a female supervisor who hated me and whole team I was working with. The moment she would step in the office...horror and tension would be all over the place. She wouldn't even greet us or smile or acknowledge that she arrived. I think she was Antisocial PD. I came on here and posted a thread about her.

Thank God I don't have to see her anymore. But in the aftermath, I was trembling just like a chicken. To me having a bullying or PD boss or supervisor is like meeting SATAN on the spot. They are really SCARY & VERY CLEVER & be even be subtle people and it would take sometime for the wounds to heal.

Many bosses take advantage b/c they know they can get away with it and even if people where able to notice it...at least some staff as well as maybe the team in itself if yo happen to be working with some...these folks really need to be punished or asked to seek therapy. The problem is that very rare some one at workplace would warn these bosses and tell them that they needed profesional intervention or psychological help. They would take it very personally as being unhealthy, sick or crazy and prefer to continue to harrass decent folks.

I hope and pray they would install a more severe and strict regulations that would protect employees whether they were HSP or not.

Yes when you're HSP it hurts even more and your healing process even takes longer to get over it.

I remember when at some point it happened for the first time...I was trembling and my therapist told me that I was suffering from PTSD. It was No fun and I took sometime to heal and even forgive that supervisor and move on. It was a male supervisor then.

Intriguing thread! Thanks Omw & for taking the trouble and post it hon!!!

March 16, 2007
6:27 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ras, you're welcome. I thought it was interesting too.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111006
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714294
Newest Members:
nickbor34, finistratbob, Knewhervel, waylanmarx, rydesk, Castano
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information