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Bonni, Ma, and everyone else
December 28, 2008
8:48 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Ma, I did finish reading the Shack and yes it did give me a different perspective.

Bonnie my dear dear FlyPal...we have been struggling for so long with our Emotional Clutter...I wish I had a magic wand to wave for both of us. I cannot remember right now what your religious bent is, so just read the following with an open mind and your concept of God or Love or the Universe

I did read The Shack. While I am not about to go overboard and gush and go on about what a profound effect it had on my life, I will say that it did help me see some things much clearer. I have felt sorry for myself for the past year and a half. I have struggled with depression, I have been in debt with no way out to finding a way out, I walked away from a bad relationship that I still miss in some ways...most people say they "love their husband/boyfriend but are no longer in love with them". I finally have come to the conclusion that while my heart is still in love with R the rest of me hates him. ( which I just have to get over and forgive him for being him, he knows no other way)

I have accepted the fact that I just am not ready to date anyone, I am not attracted or interested in anyone.

I lost my father this year which has been a real struggle for me, because he and I probably had the healthiest co-dependent relationship two people could have. There was a bond between the two of us that no one could break and when I read The Shack I could not help but think of my Daddy. You see in the book God is called Papa and He appears as a big black woman (being Southern, I could really wrap my brain around this because if I am ever really sick I want an older, big ol' mother type black woman to take care of me...my perception is they are just more nurturing than us medium size uptight white women. I could imagine sitting in "Her" lap and telling her all my problem and unloading my burdens.

The gist of the story as I took it anyway was that we have to forgive those who have hurt us (caused our emotional clutter) but we don't have to forget it. Release it and set our hearts free. Let go of the burden of the hurt we have nursed for years. Say it over and over until you assimilate it...I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. We are all damaged goods in some way, but God will meet us where we are. God intends for us to feel love and contentment.

My birthday is January 6th and I always hate to see the end of a year, this year I feel the complete opposite. I cannot wait for 2009. It is going to be better, it is going to be different. I will no longer be anyone's door mat. I will stand up for myself. I will heal. I will, I will, I will...Bonni, Ma, and others, thank you for the contribution you have made to my well being this year and I wish peace and well being to all of you. I may stumble and fall and be on here next week in the depths of despair, but I will pick myself up at some point and start over... eventually it HAS to get better.

Much LOVE to all of you.

Bitsy

December 29, 2008
9:24 am
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bumping

Bitsy

January 2, 2009
9:27 am
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I did stumble and fall last night. So much for starting the new year off right, but today is January 2nd. It is a new day.

Bitsy

January 5, 2009
3:38 pm
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Terriberry
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Hi Bisty,

What happened ?

January 5, 2009
7:32 pm
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StronginHim77
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Bitsy -

How did you "fall?" Can you fill us in?

- Ma

January 5, 2009
8:41 pm
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New Years night I was lonely and cried. So much for starting the New Year off being tough and in control. I am back on the wagon today. Unfortunately I have gotten in touch with two of my first few boyfriends. They are both still drop dead gorgeous...they are both gay. Que sera sera...

Bitsy

January 7, 2009
1:24 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Bitsy -

That is the codependency panic setting in...prompting you to frantically find a man -- ANY man -- to connect with, even your former, gay bf's. That's what codependency does to us. We will settle for absolutely ANY man to fill that empty center in our hearts.

Recognize it for what it is, forgive yourself, comfort yourself and move on. I would also encourage you to take up ONE NEW HOBBY or pasttime that has always interested or challenged you. I found that ballroom dancing was great for me. FInd something in which you have genuine interest and go for it.

It will help fill up some of that emptiness and might even help you form new friendships.

What helps me the most is always prayer...
- Ma Strong

January 7, 2009
2:29 pm
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OH Ma, I miss worded what I wrote. One was my 6th grade "boyfriend" and one was my 17 yr old boyfriend. We all went to a small private school together. I meant it to be humorous. As in dang what a waste. They and another female friend and I are planning a "mini" class reunion sometime in the Spring. It is fun and healing for me to laugh and joke with them that one looks like McDreamy and the other sure didn't look that good when we went to school together. They were both wonderful in telling me I looked just like I did in high school. I looked back at my album...I have much better hair these days. It's just got a ton of grey.

I really don't want a man right now, but every now and then I get lonely and want someone. Today I went to my old job and was talking with Mr. Bossman and another guy I worked with. Mr. Bossman is planning on going on a cruise. I asked if he had chosen his travel companion yet. He said he had a few to choose from. Didn't bother me that I am not in the running. He is a nice guy and helped me out quite a bit. He started me back on the road to getting my backbone back. For that I will always be appreciative, but I have no other feelings for him.

I went out to a bar last Friday night with two girlfriends. I had a great time. I was home by 12, they closed the place down.

I am trying. 2009 has just got to be better.

Bitsy

January 9, 2009
4:20 pm
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Terriberry
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Hang in there Bisty it will !

January 9, 2009
8:40 pm
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Thanks Terriberry.

Bitsy

January 10, 2009
1:07 am
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StronginHim77

On the 7-Jan-09 you wrote:

"Dear Bitsy -

... I found that ballroom dancing has been great for me. ..."

Me too. Ballroom dancing is a great pastime/sport/recreation/social activity/meditation/spiritual upliftment. Having indulged in this activity with great regularity for some 20+ years, I can honestly say it is a social life saviour at times. At others it is a pain in the a..se. 🙂 I'm addicted to it, I guess. I've made many friends and had several relationships through this activity.

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