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Bitsy's Pro/Con List
January 11, 2010
5:36 pm
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

I thought you said your ex just "tossed it out there" rather than "laid it out". Right?

Didn't he say, "live in the same house, raise Cat together, divide expenses"?

You are ASSUMING he meant that neither of you would date others.

Shouldn't you get clarification on that before you give this more thought?

Would you still consider this if he wanted to continue to date others?

Why continue to talk and think about it when you're not even sure what he's suggesting?

Does it really matter what any of us think, including your friend out of state, if the situation isn't clear? Ma got the idea you were talking about RECONCILIATION when your ex simply mentioned being ROOMMATES.

Sorry for all the caps, but I don't really understand why you are hesitating to get clarification from him. You are complimented by him wanting to be roommates?

You deserve to know exactly what he is talking about. Otherwise, all of this is fantasy.

Mary

January 11, 2010
5:43 pm
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MsGuided
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Yea. What MP said.

Also. You are not in a good frame of mind and are having money/career troubles.

He knows this and wants to help. It may not be a re-uniting afterall.

January 11, 2010
5:56 pm
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I had to get my thoughts straight on it. I want to let it "gel" in my mind for a few days before I talk to him regarding it any further. My initial "intake" was that we would be house mates, nothing more. There would be no dating. Neither of us is crass enough to "bring home a date" with the other person there so there would be no dating.

As mad at him as I was when I divorced him, he wasn't the "beast" a lot of women divorce. I think one of the breaking points with me was when I handed him the book "His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage". It talked about love banks and what men and women expect from a marriage/partnership and he threw it on the bed and told me he didn't need it.

I am not ready to say yes to this or no to this. Nothing can be done until after March and by that time I may not be in the financial situation I am currently in and it wouldn't have anything to do with the decision I would make.

Bitsy

January 11, 2010
6:17 pm
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StronginHim77
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Maybe you could require him to actually read and discuss that book with you?

It's a great one.

- Ma

January 11, 2010
10:02 pm
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marypoppins
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Why did you assume there would be no dating? Did he state that he was no longer interested in other women?

You could still date other people yet not bring them home.

I'm sorry, Bitsy, but I really don't understand why you would not ask for that clarification. I understand that at the time, you were caught off-guard, but you've had some time.

Would you still consider this option if he wants to date other women, very discreetly?

Mary

January 11, 2010
10:56 pm
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soofoo
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I understand. What difference does it make if he wants to date other women or not? This is Bitsy's life, so rather than ask a ton of questions about what the "offer" is, why not think and ponder and come around with your own offer. The ball is in Bitsy's court. Why bounce it back and have him define this new relationship, all by himself, as an offer that he has presented? Keep your power. You tell him what you want, after you've decided what that is.

What does it feel like, Bitsy? It might feel like selling out. It might feel like coming home. Do you feel like he resents you? Like he wants to reel you back in so that he can be the one to end it this time? Does he want to teach you a lesson? Or baby you? I think you will get a feeling about things, if you concentrate on yourself.

January 11, 2010
11:25 pm
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

You wrote that your ex wasn't as bad as some other men, wasn't a "beast", and that you were the one who "sinned". You said that all he did was leave you emotionally.

I think emotional abandonment is pretty huge. I know from experience that it feels horrible.

Please, don't minimize the pain you experienced in your marriage.

Mary

January 12, 2010
12:11 pm
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Mary, I am not. Just last night as I was drifting off to sleep I remembered the last trip R and I took to St. Lucia. We were sitting out by the pool, each reading a book and having a cocktail. We would stop reading for a while, compare notes on our books, get another drink, get something to eat, read, talk, go back to the room and make love, come back out to the pool. It was a perfect day. Each time we passed the parrot in the cage on the way to our bungalow we would stop and talk to it. We had a couples massage.

Those are things my ex-husband would never in a million years do. But he also wouldn't cheat on me and break my heart.

Bitsy

January 12, 2010
12:57 pm
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MsGuided
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Emotional abandonment. That is a biggy and not the kind of feature you want in a relationship at all.

Was your x that distant? Or did he just not share some of your interests?

Him offering a place to live is all coming about due to your present financial crisis. The priority is really to maintain a home for you and Cat.

If you're in need then I don't see this as a bad idea as long as you don't have expectations or hopes that he will change and look at it as reuniting. IF things don't pick up and you need help it's better to stick with family ( if they offer postive support) than the alternative. ( renting a tiny apt, in a bad neighbourhood, risking living with "room-mates" and having little support close by)

I think feeling safe and secure are what's important for you and Cat right now.It could help ease some stress and help you with finding decent employment.

January 12, 2010
1:32 pm
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Thank you MsG. I think that is what I am seeing it as. I do not see the future getting better financially right away. So what if we are together for several years. It will give Cat a secure home. I don't really think my ex was that distant as much as he had his life and wanted me to have mine and we had very little in common.

It was impossible to be codependent with him. I wanted to go to a movie? Fine, go to a movie. I'll stay home and watch the baby.

I wanted to go out to eat. Fine go out to eat. Call your friends see who wants to go with you.

He didn't resent what I wanted to do and was perfectly OK with me doing whatever it was just as long as he didn't have to go.

I also remember what he told me early on in our dating. He said I was much too pretty to ever have to grovel to any man. He also has the attitude that women are abused by men because they don't have brothers who would beat the crap out of the abuser. As I have said before he isn't a beast. He just wasn't my soul mate.

Right now I am alone and don't have anyone in my life. I also am in financial difficulty. Is it so bad to do something to relieve the financial difficulty and it is a much better proposition than Mr. Ex-Bossman gave me a few weeks ago.

Bitsy

January 12, 2010
1:48 pm
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MsGuided
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HEY ((BITSY))!

Your X is NOTHING like the x bossdoofus.

Your x doesn't try to control you. Lets you have freedom. That is very healthy. Having friends to do things with is very important, not being Codi and doing everything together. The x was a stable loyal rock and that is hard to find.

I really think this is a good idea under your present circumstances.You you can work out the details (there's so much more happening than what is written here) Do what feels right, and will relieve some stress from your's and Cats life.

I often think about when people didn't have much, had to live in extended families, worked togehter for everyones benefit, and almost every household had a few generations. Or just living together in a neighbourhood where sharing was commonplace and NORMAL. My student days were a lot like that!

What happened? Being alone is NORMAL? Not for a lot of people.

Nope. Not buyin it.

Well I'm having a Bad Day. Talked to my dad and that was a mistake.

Ces't la Vie!

January 12, 2010
2:29 pm
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Thanks.

Bitsy

January 14, 2010
9:19 am
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I guess I got one question answered without having to ask. Last night Cat was telling me about her fathers date and that he got a kiss. Part of me wants to call and ream him over telling her the details of his date the other part just doesn't care enough.

Bitsy

January 14, 2010
10:10 am
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marypoppins
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You don't know how much detail he shared. I think you're angry because your assumption was wrong.

January 14, 2010
10:19 am
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marypoppins
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I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think he simply tossed the statement out there because he's struggling financially and worried about losing his job.

You've been struggling financially for a while.

I think you somehow talked yourself into it being some kind of reconciliation.

I've done this before, too. That's why I suggested that you get really clear about exactly what he was talking about.

Mary

January 14, 2010
11:33 am
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Mary, sometimes my best decisions are made when I DON'T think about it. I truly am not mad that he got a kiss, except that I haven't had one in a couple of years. I just don't think he should share any of it with Cat. This women met them for breakfast Sunday. She lives in another state. Couldn't he have done something with her and not exposed Cat?

Yes. Life is a financial struggle but I think I have about made up my mind to continue to be by myself. I DO want the "fantasy" of someone who will share my interests. As I wrote before, I was blown away that R and I could go on vacatin and a big part of what we packed were books and we would share the books and trade back and forth and talk about them. If he hadn't been a lying cheating rat bastard asshole son of a bitch he would have been perfect wink wink. Smile.

I also think I was lulled into thinking it might be a good idea for EX-H and me to share a house is that my dog adores him, my child adores him. He isn't a bad person. He can actually be very caring and nice. He just isn't the person for me anymore in that I married him when I was 22 and I am now 42. I have grown and changed a lot. I STILL think of him as family and would probably actually want his opinion on someone I date in the future because he is like a big brother to me and I no longer have my father to be my "family". I value his opinions but I don't value him the way he deserves and I deserve more as well. Instead "Bugs Bunny" and I will continue to hang out and eventually there will be someone who ignites all my rockets again.

Bitsy

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