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Bitsy's Pro/Con List
January 9, 2010
6:06 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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1. It would be an in tact home for Cat.

2. It would relieve a financial burdan on both of us.

3. We really are best friends.

Con:

1. I wouldn't find the "soul mate" I am looking for.

2. I would have to give up on the fantasy of mind blowing sex and someone who shares my interests.

Bitsy

January 9, 2010
6:08 pm
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Any way, once you have children isn't it about making them functioning members of society until they are grown.

I don't HATE my ex husband I just feel like he is the big brother I always wanted.

Bitsy

January 9, 2010
6:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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Where did your ex-husband fall short as a "soul mate?" (Besides sex?)

- Ma

January 9, 2010
6:52 pm
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He wasn't interested in plays or the sypmphony, or books I liked or travielling.. He was only intestested in going to work coming home, golfing and going to church.

Bitsy

January 9, 2010
6:54 pm
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Travelling and everything else are all now things I know I could do alone. Sex, books, plays, travelling can all take a back seat

Bitsy

January 9, 2010
6:56 pm
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Doesn't it make more sense to put our childs life back together. I just don't know. I need some spiritual direction.

Bitsy

January 9, 2010
7:10 pm
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sdesigns
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So, you would be like room mates? could you date?

Why is the selling of his house, buying new one, etc a condition? Why couldn't you move into where he is now?

I think it sounds like an answer to your prayers on one hand, but a huge problem on another. Ask yourself- would you consider this if you weren't in dire straights financially #1 , and lonely #2?

January 9, 2010
7:19 pm
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darkeyes
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bitsy i live with my husband but we are only friends, it works cos we are best friends.. its lonely cos its not the same as living in a love situation,is that something you dont want for the rest of your life,cos believe me you ex hus wont want to see other men coming in to he's space as it is when you move in with him.. i cant tell you its right or wrong thats for you to deside,, yes cat would love it, it would be finanally secure, but after awhile you would feel traped then what happens..just my opinion hun take what you want and leave the rest...best of luck with your desision..hugs

January 9, 2010
10:30 pm
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atalose
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I tend to agree with sdesigns in asking yourself if this would sound like a good idea if it weren’t for the fact you are struggling financially and are feeling extremely lonely.

I also sensed you were struggling with the fact he had a date last night and today you seem in glee that you think it didn’t work out.

If he told you a year ago that he did not want to reconcile and he is actively dating today I fear you are setting yourself up for further dissapointment. You are even saying you wouldn’t find your soul mate if you both agree to this arraingement, so why put your life on hold all over again?

And do you really think you would be putting your childs life back together? I tend to think this arraingment may cause her confusion and conditioning for her own relationship future?

I think many of our parents stayed together in unhappy relationships because of financial reasons setting many of us up for future relationship difficulties.

Unless you both are crystal clear on exactly what this arraingment will be, how it will work and most importantly how two people can live separate lives and thrive while living under the same roof then I tend to lean towards it being a not so good idea.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 9, 2010
10:46 pm
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I don't think either of us are interested in dating. He really is the big brother always wanted and he is really the only true "family" I have. It was a big step for him to even mention it and it would give Cat a stable life with a mother and father in the home. He and I don't hate each other. We are friends.

Bitsy

January 9, 2010
10:53 pm
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

You asked me to post to you over here. I'm copying and pasting what I said to you on the Support side because I don't know how to say what I have to say any better than I've already said it.

marypoppins
9-Jan-10

Bitsy,

I strongly advise you against this. In my opinion, it would be confusing for Cat, not better for her. No matter how many boundaries you try to set, this kind of situation is fertile ground for resentment and misunderstanding. And, it's an excuse for one or both to slide into old patterns and/or relax into not pushing forward to grow and find happiness and peace as individuals and with another.

I base this on my experience.

Doing things together, all three of you, can be nice for Cat. Getting along with your ex and having a friendship with him is good for Cat. But all three of you in the same house? What does that teach Cat? Having a little more money for her is not worth the toll this would have on her.

If you and your ex wanted to try this after Cat is grown and leaves home, that's a different story.

I guess it's obvious I have pretty strong feelings about this, Bitsy. But it's just my opinion.

Sincerely,

Mary

marypoppins
9-Jan-10

Bitsy, you wrote:

"I am absolutely TERRIFIED to consider this but it would put all of our fractured lives back together and would make a happy whole home for Cat."

Your gut feelings are telling you something.

The second half of your sentence is a FANTASY. What you described is not a "happy whole home".

Mary

I did want to add one thing. Can you imagine how Cat would feel ever hearing that you "gave up your search for your soulmate so she could have more "stuff""? I think she'd be extremely angry and hurt. How would that help her? What pressure to put on a child. Would you be less lonely watching your ex date right under your nose? What if he found someone he wanted to marry? You guys would split up all over again. Your ex has already shown you who he is.

And how can you give up a search for your soulmate when you haven't begun it yet?

I spent about 6 years with my ex telling myself that all of us together was what was best for our child. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I tried to play "happy family", but it was a farce. If I could take back those years, I would. My daughter figured out as she got older that we weren't happy at all during the second marriage together because we argued. When I told her we thought it was best for us all to be together, she told me exactly how she felt about that. It was hard to hear.

Anyway, that's where I'm coming from.

You and Cat deserve better.

Mary

January 10, 2010
8:18 am
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Thanks for the input guys. It isnn't something that is going to happen overnight. It was only something he mentioned yesterday when he was here. The economy may make more of us put our "dreams" on a back burner just to survive.

Bitsy

January 10, 2010
8:33 am
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Martin Eden
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Bitsy,

I think MaryP said it best about what your gut instinct is telling you.

Kid's know when there is dysfunction, no matter what your intentions, if it's not a loving home stuff will come later.

Good luck

January 10, 2010
9:53 am
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The thing is I have always told her I love her father as a big brother. I have always fostered a good relationship between her and her father. I wanted him involved in her life. I tell everyone the biggest accomplishment I made by divorcing him was turning him into the father I wanted him to be to her.

I don't actually feel glee that his date didn't work out. I actually felt sorry for him that his date didn't work out. It is like we are both in the same place. I am not finding anyone. He is not finding anyone. We were married for 14 years. I have grown up a lot. I went and did some of the things I wanted to do. He is still in my cell phone as my ICE contact. My will leaves everything to him. If I were in jail and had one phone call it would be to him. No our marriage wasn't a perfect fairy tale but how many of us ever get the fairy tale anyway? I still celebrate all my holidays and "events" with his family.

I actually do know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me and no other man is going to love my daughter like her father does.

It was only a statement yesterday. They reason I could not move into where he is is that he is in an 80 year old house near the bay that only has 2 bedrooms and 1 bath.

Actually, several people I know have been praying for a reconcilliation for us for several years. Even when I still was with R.

Bitsy

January 10, 2010
11:04 am
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atalose
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I keep hearing a big conflict here: big brother VS: reconciilliation with an ex-husband…..
You told your daughter you love him as you would love a big brother. He is your best friend. He and his family are your only family and you spend all the holidays together. You felt jealous about him dating because you were not – I can understand that because you are feeling lonely.

But then:
Recently you talk about wanting to have fun instead of worrying about bills and taking care of yourself.
You want someone to take you out to dinner and wine and dine you so you feel special…..special as a sister? or special as a date because you are feeling alone? Does your ex understand the role you are putting him in, cause I don’t believe you even fully understand it yet.
You have a fear of dating, getting involved with new people……your ex is familiar and you know exactly what to expect………..Does your ex understand what to expect with this brother/sister situation?

You also mentioned that the reason you got divorced was because you got mad because you had no one to do things with, things you wanted to do such as travel, plays, etc. etc. Have you done any of those things since your divorce and how will this new living arraingment change that? Will he now travel with you and go to plays……………a lot of brothers don’t do those things with sisters.
Then there are all the times you continue to mention how everyone, boss, friends, family continue to ask if you both are going to reconcille because you both display signs that you should………………has your ex changed his mind about that since a year and a half ago? Have you even mentioned the word to him while discussing this possible new arraingment or do you fear he will continue to say no?

What I am seeing is on one hand you are trying to convince us (and yourself) that you bothhave grown and get alone so well since the divorce for your daughters sake and how wonderful this would be for her because you feel more like brother and sister then a loving, caring, romantic sexual adult relationship.
But then on the other hand I see signs of you trying to convince us (and yourself) how reconcilliation is on everyone ele’s minds and how they think you should.

But the only answer to that comes from what is truly on Bitsy and more importantly ex’s mind.

I’m glad it’s just an idea that was throw out there a few days ago, something for both of you to ponder and think thru fully think thru…….
Another thing you mentioned was by divorcing him YOU turned him into the father YOU always wanted him to be. By inviting him back into a home with you as a brother, what accomplishment will YOU be seeking regarding CHANING HIM this time?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 10, 2010
11:51 am
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Bitsy,

I hope you don't mind my offering my thoughts here.

I lived with a man, my ex, as family with no love/sex relationship for years due to financial issues, etc. I look back at that time as one in which I was frightened of change. Yes, there were ok moments together, and going it alone is hard (and with a child to boot, harder, I imagine). But I gave up on what I really wanted, on my real heart's desires.
And for that, there are repercussions.

I very much feel that you should only move toward living together if you are moving toward a reunion as lovers and partners. And if that is the case, you both might move slowly toward that by dating and courting.

Believe me, I am all for unconventional family set ups, but to me, as someone who has been there, this seems ripe for problems. I think when people give up on what they want and settle out of discouragement or perhaps hidden, buried hope for reunion, the lack of clear direction becomes very painful.

This is just my view. I wish you and Cat well.

Fire

January 10, 2010
11:59 am
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The change occurred in me. He is the one who mentioned this and he is the one who liked the house I just listed. There is a bonus room over the garage with a bathroom. There is a master suite downstairs. He liked the idea of him having the bonus room. Cat having her bedroom and me having the Master.

I mentioned a reconcilliation a year or so ago. He told me he finally had someone in his life that he loved and just a few weeks after that she broke up with him. I have never mentioned it again. He brought it up yesterday, not me. He has been alone over a year and a half and I have been alone for going on two years.

I wouldn't change anything about him now. He is a great father. I would go about my life and he could go about his. We would co parent. Neither of us is really interested in dating.

As far as travel and plays I could do those by myself or take Cat with me. Actually it is the marriage his parents had. My FIL stayed home and my MIL travelled.

Everyone who sees us together asks why we are divorced. I am helping plan the surprise party for his 50th birthday next week.

Our state had a prepaid college tuition program that my dad paid for for Cat when she was born. It is now bankrupt. Her college fund is gone. Ex-husband is worried about his job. His company keeps telling him everything is fine, but he keeps mentioning it to me.

Over the past 5 years, I have learned to do for myself. I am stronger and more independent than I was. I have felt a lot of guilt over the divorce and constantly telling the child I worked 5 years to have NO all the time.

All that you are asking me is valid and is helping work through everything. I pretty much have given up the notion of "romantic love". Lots of our parents and grandparents lived out their lives together as loving companions. The only thing I would really be losing out on is mind blowing sex and it really wasn't worth the pain and hurt it caused me.

Then there is also the religious aspect of it. We were joined before God and neither of us has remarried.

I just don't know and it isn't something I can make a snap decision about. As we left it yesterday, I am going to put his house on the market March 1st. He will either sell it or not. He will either move in with his mother to help take care of the family home and acreage and help her with bills (she lost a lot in stocks and bonds) or he and I will move in together and co parent. Either way his decision is being made to help provide for Cat.

Bottom line is that I know when the chips are down he is the one person on earth I can count on the most. That has to stand for something.

Bitsy

January 10, 2010
12:02 pm
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And as for what I would be gaining? I would have back the only family I have ever really known except my father.

Bitsy

January 10, 2010
12:09 pm
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Bitsy -

Clearly, I am in a minority on this, but...I do not believe you should toss this proposition out the window. Perhaps this is the answer to those prayers? BOTH of you have changed and I believe Cat would benefit enormously (both emotionally and spiritually) from seeing her parents reunited and working things thru, rather than calling it quits, as those in the "world" do.

If I did not believe in transformation and the possibility of restoration, I might as well find a diffent calling. Also, remember what the Word of God says: "Walk not in the counsel of the ungodly." It is really important that you hear from GOD now, not just solicit opinions. Listen to what He is speaking to your heart because He is the ONLY ONE Who knows what is in your heart, as well as your ex-husband's...and He alone knows the plans and destiny He has for each of you...and Cat.

: )

- Ma Strong

January 10, 2010
12:32 pm
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Ma, for the last couple of years my only real prayer has been that I want my life to be whole. I am stronger than I ever have been, but when my father was dying it was ex-h I turned to. Even at the funeral I had him stay back with family with the minister. I told him then I couldn't do it (the funeral) without him and I needed him there for Cat. I have "visualized" myself dating and becoming involved with someone else and it just doesn't work. I actually do believe that it is God's will or ex-h would have never mentioned it. I hurt him a lot when I divorced him and he has had to forgive me for a lot.

Bitsy

January 10, 2010
12:39 pm
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Bitsy -

I will be praying for you. Again, be cautious about seeking the counsel of those who are not hearing from God on this. You WILL hear Him. Listen to Him and to heck with everyone else.

And believe in miracles of healing. I always have.

- Ma

January 10, 2010
1:01 pm
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Hi ya'll,

Gotta ask you Ma, "..be cautious about seeking the counsel of those who are not hearing from God on this." What does that mean?

Bitsy, I've been following along and need to ask you; On your "Con" list, are those the only 2 things you can think of? And you also stated that neither he nor you are interested in dating. You just devoted a new thread on dating on the Support side and he just went on a date last Fri.?

Maybe I read things wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. ha

From someone who's looking in from the outside......

Hep

January 10, 2010
1:24 pm
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Sort of interesting that we "heathens" -the ones apparently not hearing God on this- are saying don't do it, while the minister is the only one encouraging living in sin????????

Yes, Ma- please explain!

January 10, 2010
2:07 pm
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The truth be known, he may have just tossed this out there yesterday and may never mention it again. I don't even know what my response was to him yesterday. Stunned, I guess. It isn't something either of us are planning to do next week. Maybe we should just go to dinner and talk.

Bitsy

January 10, 2010
2:18 pm
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It also isn't like either of us is stupid. I am 42 and he is about to be 50. We were married for 14 years. We each know what we would be getting into.

My grandparents were married 20 years, divorced 20 years and married for 20 years.

It also isn't like I have to make this decision today.

Bitsy

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