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Bevdee---Still I Rise
April 9, 2007
5:05 pm
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bevdee
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OMW- thanks. I always thought it was adoration that she needs.

April 9, 2007
5:40 pm
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on my way
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whoops, sorry Shaney, but yes it is a good example.

bevdee, yep that makes sense. but hope it all works out eventually.

April 11, 2007
2:51 pm
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garfield9547
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Hello Everybody

I have been following this thread from the start.

The poeple that know me knows that I had to go throught 2 and a half ears of therpay to break the unnatural enmeshed fucked up bond that once was between me and my mother.

What a waiste of my life. I can never get the years back. I can only change today.

Luckily that is what I have been doing for the past say 19 months. What a relieve.

Still today I dread if I have to have contact with her. Always negative and critisizing.

DRAMA QUEEN of note. I will never be able to change her, Thank God I figured that one out.

I somethimes still cry for the mother I never had. Hope to have some sort of a 'normal' mother. I realised that this is just a fantasy. SOOOOO sad, but true.

I have to be my own mother. I am trying to be a mother for my children in a way that my mother would never be able to be.

I hate for not trying ever to change herself. Just talk talk talk. She never did something. She always waited for somebody to do it for her.

She just NEVER got the message, A 64 year old trapped in a 6 years old body. I CANNOT change this,

Still I am sad for never having a mother. Never having somebody to show me the trends, make-ep, knowledge etc.

I always had to get this information from other people. Socitey, looking at shat other do and think to myself?

Heh this looks like a good idea, never thought about it and then go on and do it.

I learned from other, not from my moter

MY MOTHER LEARNED FROM ME

I feel like shit writing this, but its the truth. Still to this day it would be if I allowed it.

Luckily for my own sanity I don;t.

I can honestly say I made the change and stuck to it. Hard as it was. I am NOT going to look back one day and say..... WAHT IF....

Today is the day.

Love

Garfield

April 11, 2007
5:34 pm
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bevdee
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Garfield!!

It's so good to see you! I had wondered about you.

Thanks for your post. I sure see this - "I learned from other, not from my moter

MY MOTHER LEARNED FROM ME "

Sometimes I think mine did, and other times, I wonder if she learned anything at all.

(((Gar)))

April 13, 2007
10:53 pm
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Shaney
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Hey bev :o) are you around on this lovely Friday night, or are you out cutting a rug? HAHAHAHAHA!

Okay... I copied and pasted over here...

Shaney- you said "She's extremely fragile and insecure. She (admittedly) refers to me as her life-line, and doesn't know what she would do if she didn't have me to talk to." Doesn't that seem like a really loaded statement? What does that imply to you?

It implies that she needs my constant attention and approval because she doesn't trust herself to make her own decisions. I allow her to drain every last inkling of my energy like some sort of vampire. She's never ventured beyond her little fish bowl world, and so she's naive, inexperienced, and needy. And since I'm none of those things, I allow her to call me fifty fucking times a day to torture me with trivial little crap that to HER is life shattering. I'm annoyed right now, can you tell? I'm feeling guilty because I haven't returned her phonecall from earlier today, and I know she's low on her minutes (cell phone) and can't call me without paying through the butthole. The guilt is giving me quite an attack right now, actually.

April 13, 2007
11:02 pm
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bevdee
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Miss Shaney-

No- no rug-cutting, no tailfeather shaking. Ain't it a shame? I gotta work in the morning.

You moved over here?

Yes, I can tell you're annoyed.

One question- because I'm the evil question-lady. You sure you're not needy? I liked the thought that my mother needed me. I thought I needed to be needed. I secretly liked it, and then I hated it, too, because she took advantage of me, and it wasn't always convenient to me. In fact most of the time it was inconvenient.

April 17, 2007
9:42 pm
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Shaney
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Me, needy? No, not at all. In fact I'm practically the opposite of needy. Just as an example, and maybe you've heard this before, my H has said to me. "Everyone in my life needs me, and I'm tired of it. The only person in my life that I WANT to need me, is you... but you don't.... you're completely self-sufficient and don't need anyone." That was so sad to me. I have been forced, since I was 12 years old, to be completely dependable and self-sufficient, almost to a fault - so now I've gotten to where I don't want to need anyone for anything. My mom was an emotional ball of insecurity, which made her extremely needy and selfish - and it hasn't changed all that much. She still comes to me for everything. My h isn't anything like my mom, but I pick up so much of his slack. He's one of those that is easily overwhelmed and can only handle one thing at a time. Me? I can handle all of my crap, and everyone elses too - I'm a super mega multi-tasker. So the only thing that I really NEED, is for everyone to learn to take care of themselves, and quit depending on me for mental, physical, and emotional support... because I can't take it anymore. I have no more room left in my heart, mind or soul for anything that *I* want to do. I think that if I left for 3 months and didn't hear from anyone... no phone calls, no emails, no favors or support of any kind - I could recover. I really don't think I would miss anyone. I think I'd miss my h - I actually really really like him, and I like spending time with him, but we would need a maid and a cook wherever we decided to hide for three months. Haha.

How are YOU!? Enough about me.

April 17, 2007
10:09 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Miss Shaney

Me? I'm doing pretty well. My life is rolling on, and I am facing some decisions again. Man I hate those sometimes.

I see my therapist again a week from Friday, and I am faced with the Gihugic (I just made that word up) task of copy/pasting and printing my posts to Tez and those of the threads I started for her to read. I am paying a price for being so verbose!

One thing that has resulted from all my gurging is that I don't feel compelled to have everything clean all the time. I am letting things go a little. (Just a little.)

I get the sense from reading other posts of yours that you have some resentment toward your mother? Is this a correct assumption?

With all the slack taking up you do, do you have time to take care of yourself?

April 17, 2007
10:23 pm
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Shaney
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Aha... would you consider yourself to be somewhat of a perfectionist? It's hard to let go of the detailed stuff that we're so used to magnifying under our little glass.... :o)

Yeah, I do have resentment towards my mom. It's quiet resentment, in that I've never voiced my feelings to her. I'm a controlling overdoer, and I never realized where that came from until last year when I really looked back at what made me the way that I am. I always thought that it was a good thing, until I got married, and my h asked me why I can't allow myself to be vulnerable. Anyway, my mom probably wouldn't even know what I was talking about, if I told her how I felt about always having to mother her. I'll tell her someday, I'm sure.

And no, lately I haven't been taking care of myself. I want to, and need to, but there's only so much time in a day, and plus all of my $$ is going into these two houses. Hopefully, we'll sell the empty house soon so I can afford to go have my hair done :o). I want a weekend away too :o). I want a Gihugic vacation away from here and that house that won't sell!

April 17, 2007
10:41 pm
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bevdee
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Shaney

Yeah, I'm a perfectionist. And it doesn't stop at the house. It's exhausting to me lately. Hair is one of those perceptions I had about perfection. I can't afford anything anymore, and I discovered that I look pretty good even with it pulled back from my head. It saves alot of time, too. I know it sounds silly, but - baby steps.

I can't afford to go away, or get massages, so I have to do everything at home. I take long hot baths, and I have this chair massage thinger that I lay flat on the bed and lie on top of it- and get a little mini-massage. I can't wait for the lake to warm up, so me and the dogs can grab a floatie and go! That is real relaxing to me.

Being vulnerable is tough, isn't it? I can't hardly discern the difference between being vulnerable and being codep.

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