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Bevdee---Still I Rise
April 4, 2007
8:22 am
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thewall
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Just wanted to share one of my favorite poems with you. I do love this woman 🙂

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

April 4, 2007
9:26 am
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bevdee
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Oh Miss Wall

You must be psychic. This couldn't have come at a better time! Thank you so much.

I have pasted and copied this to look at today.

It couldn't have come at a better time- there have been incoming attacks from my DramaMama, and I have been trying to puzzle it out.

You're a doll. (((Thewall)))

April 4, 2007
9:47 am
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thewall
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Bevdee,

Rise up girlfriend and remember....her attacks on you are simply a way to make her feel better about herself (sick as that is).

I'm convinced your drama mama doesnt like herself too much so she has to bully you in order to feel better about herself. My oh my, what a sick little game that is. I'm sorry you're the target once again.

Its that age old belief...."if I can find something wrong with you, then I can convince myself that it aint me".

What really gets interesting is if all of her children disagree with her at the same time. Oh watch her squirm then. lol. If one of the kids disagrees then its something wrong with them, but if more than one disagrees with momma then oops, shes forced to take a look at herself, if only a tiny bit (emphasis on *tiny*). Then she gonna get pissed and turn up da heat chile! So look out!

Dont take it personally, (as hard as that is). You;re dealing with a sick woman so take what she says with a grain of salt and cut her short every time she calls ya ..... "momma I see you're upset, I'm going to ask that you call me when you are in a better frame of mind to talk (or in a better mood to talk, or when you are able to talk kindly to me). Until then momma, please dont call me".

Now thats something I dont miss about my momma.

have a better day sister!

April 4, 2007
12:38 pm
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Thank you for sharing this poem. This sentence gave me hope:

"Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear"

(((the wall))) (((bev)))

gg

April 4, 2007
12:40 pm
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(((GG)))

April 4, 2007
2:48 pm
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For the last 8 weeks, my sister has been at my mom's. Since the day the mortgage company locked her out of the house she has not paid for in the last 18 months.

Since all the brouhaha at Xmas, my mother would not call me when my sister was in the house. Because my sister was angry with me, my mother felt she couldn't talk to me if Sissy knew about it. Since all the brouhaha at Xmas - I decided that with starting therapy, and trying to heal from so many things- I would not even try to talk to my mother or sister. Leave them alone. Leave them to each other. Healthier for me.

It has been less painful. She called, and I didn't answer. I waited to return the calls when I was ready. I allowed one call every 10 days. I got updates. Since Sissy has no insurance for private rehab, my stepdad pulled strings to get her into the state-funded rehab center, but she got herself kicked out and the police called on her before she was completely admitted. The two other times her family persuaded her to go to the hospital ER or the psych ward, she showed her ass so that her leaving was a mutual agreement between her and the hospital staff. My mother told me this 3 days after it happened, and told me "We rehabbed her here at home last weekend"

Alcohol and crack. Ohhhh? Kaay?

I said nothing, I just listened. I did not ask if they knew the difference in detox and rehab. I wanted to.

So every 10 days or so, I take a call, and in between, I get little cryptic Instant Messages. It's getting easier for me not to respond. It was playing out.

10 days ago, I answered when my mother called my cell. She talked non-stop for 20 minutes about my sister. Bitching about her. They are getting on each others nerves. On a hunch, I tried to talk about myself, and she quickly found a reason to hang up. AHA. Now I know what to do, if I ever find myself cursing myself for weakening and talking to her.

Last Friday, my mother called to tell me that my sister is leaving her home. Sissy informed her that her boyfriend in IL got an apartment and she would be leaving in 7 days. My mom kept repeating, "I'm not angry, I'm not angry, really. I did tell her that the offer of my home for rehabbing was a one time deal, and she still wants to leave. But, I'm not angry"

I did not say, "SOO!! She got all her shit taken care of, all her fines paid off with your money, her debts to the courts, all her old bills and bank overdrafts paid for by you, and now she is leaving". I did not say it. I said nothing. God that was hard.

I think she wanted me to say something like that so she could argue and vent the anger she felt at my sister at me. I did not allow it. I listened, made innocuous comments, and got off the phone as quickly as I could.

So- Sunday she called to tell me that my sister's older daughter is smoking pot every day, all day, and drinks so much in the evenings she blacks out. When she told me this, I told her I would have to call her back and I haven't. It's not because I don't love that little girl (she’s 20, but always a little girl to me), but there is nothing I can do. Her mother will be drinking in roughly 3 days, and I'm sure she will be using crack again very soon. Her daddy has washed his hands of her. I have tried for 3 years to talk to my niece, I called every Wednesday and left a message- for both of those girls and in 3 years, I have never had the courtesy of a returned call.

Before Xmas, I talked to my mother and explained why I no longer made the weekly phone call/message. They know I love them, and they know they can come to me if they need anything. I have left messages and told them this for so long. But there is nothing I can do. Worrying is not going to change anything but the lining of my stomach.

Monday I got an email. I hate the day my mother became computer literate!! Demanding to know why I didn’t return her call. I couldn't answer, so there was another one Tuesday morning, saying she just didn't know what to think of me anymore. That I had always been someone she could talk to, and someone anyone could depend on. And how my inability to have compassion toward someone who was obviously hurting was beyond her comprehension.

I'm a bad person now

Here is what I think. My mother is losing her "cause" in my sissy. She is shifting that focus to my niece, who we have known was drinking for at least the last year, and she "needs" to enlist me in her cause the way she did with me when we became aware of my sissy's crack addiction 3 years ago. The way she did 44 years ago when she was born. I suspect she is using my nieces drinking as a lure to pull me back in. I suspect that my progress in detachment is terrifying to her.

She needs me. It makes me angry. And it makes me determined to keep going. I can't go back. It hurts to go back and it hurts to resist, but I'm not going back to the ways of my mother.

Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?

I feel that this is exactly what she wants. I feel that this is what she needs.

April 4, 2007
2:59 pm
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(((bev)))

You hit this on the nail: " I suspect that my progress in detachment is terrifying to her."

Bev, You have been doing so well and moving forward. You are even understanding what your mother is doing. Your mother's problems do NOT have to be yours. They are hers to solve and heal. You just keep working on YOU, cuz girl, you are doing a good job!!! I am proud of you!!!

gg

April 4, 2007
3:25 pm
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(((Bev))) Thinking of you...

April 4, 2007
4:54 pm
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bevdee
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Mich....oddly I was thinking of you.

April 4, 2007
5:07 pm
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bevdee
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GG- thanks again for pointing out the positive to me!!

April 4, 2007
5:40 pm
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Shaney
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bev - I wish that I could detatch from my mother, to the point that you've been able to detatch from yours. I understand what you mean when you say that "It hurts to go back and it hurts to resist." Presently (meaning: since I was in 8th grade), I'm sucked into her drama. My mom only has my brother (who has managed to limit his communication with her to once a month, if that), and me (who finds myself feeling lucky if she only calls me twice in one day).

I get you. And I get your struggle. Ugh.

I think the old saying stands true: Mysery loves company. They're miserable and they need someone to share that with. If they can bring you down to that level of pain that they're feeling, they won't feel as alone.

I think that having that person on which to take out their anger, holds true as well. They transfer the feelings of anger and frustration from the person who deserves it, to someone who doesn't. I wish my mom was stronger in her daily interactions with people - I'm sick of being her emotional dumpster.

I DO have a choice... but I think my mom would really freak out. I think if I took my lifeline away, she would finally crack. I don't know. The whole thing makes me sick.

(oh great.... my phone just rang... and it's my mom for the third time today, ranting about people that I don't know and could give a shit less about. )

I love the poem, and I love Maya Angelou. I needed that today :o)

Keep up the good, steady work BEVORAMA... I hope to catch up to you some day :o)!!!

April 4, 2007
9:45 pm
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Bevdee,

It is what she needs, you are correct. And this is the very reason you MUST move forward.

A wise pastor friend once put it to me this way... she/they (mom/family) are like black bears. They look cute and cuddly, they appear as if one could just get lost in the safety of their big ole snuggly arms, they are perfectly content when you feed them, care for them, do for them what they want and need................ but the minute you turn your back on them or walk away even the slightest bit, look out. They will attack you to the very core of your being. They will attempt to destroy you at any cost. They will do whatever it takes to drag you back into their false sense of comfort and safety once again.

My healing began the day I moved away from my mother. It would not have prgressed had I not seperated from her completely. There were no phone calls, there were no letters, or visits, nothing for 4yrs. My christian therapist gave me permission to do this and I'm glad I did.

However, because the family did not know what I was going thru with my mother, they did not understand my need to do this. And so I suspect, this is part of the reason why they hate me so much (as if ratting out perv uncle wasnt enough). They never recoverd (forgave ) from my actions. But I'm a better person bc of it. Oddly enough after awhile, my mother treated me a little differently after that...less cruel, more appreciative when I would do things for her or take time to visit her. But that last mothers day still has me confused. Damn, I hate mothers day.

Anyway, the moral of the story is...beware of black bears.

thewall

April 4, 2007
9:57 pm
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thewall
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Bevdee,

And one more thought (ok, more than one)...

if sis doesnt want/need mom, and you're not wanting or needing mom, then who will need mom? This is whats freaking her out. She needs to be needed in order to survive. her life and self esteem depends on it.

This is probably why she went into child psych...bc her self esteem is so low that she needed to use her clients in order to build herself up. She knew that her clients would need her, and this is what kept her going, this is what makes her like herself, this is what she bases her value on...being needed, caretaking to the nth degree (can you say codependant issues?).

And so now, she no longer works in the field...she no longer has clients who need her every day. Now whats left of her? Now where is she going to get her fix of caretaking and self esteem boosting? Answer... She targets her family more than ever. She clings to you, to your sis, the niece and anyone else she can desperately sink her claws into... bc she needs people to need her or shes nothing. Kinda sad in a way ( I said *in a way* 🙂 ). But more sick than anything, especially since she knows better ways of handling things. Its just easier to fall into old habits passed down from generation to generation. Thats why its so important that we break the cycle.

Keep on keeping on bevdee. Its soo worth it. I promise you!

thewall (again)

April 4, 2007
10:25 pm
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bevdee
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Thewall,

Yes, I believe you nailed it. Her needing to be needed. She was prinmarily a teacher, and she told me she preferred 3rd grade. SHe had to teach 5th and 6th once in a while and she said the kids were harder to control.

She has her elderly mother and a sister that lives with Gramma, both of whom have had strokes. I don't think she gets the devotion she needs, though. Gramma can't remember anything, and my aunt was pretty out there even before she had the stroke. I think it is pretty ungratifying for her.

She has immersed herself in her husband's kids and grandkids business before. Now she has a man that does handywork around her house, a man she picked out of the indigents to do some day labor on her mother's house a couple of years ago. He is a recovered addict and left his hometown 500 miles away to get away from his mother (swear to god, this is what he told me, and I didn't say a word, and god it was hard) He has since established a business and she takes all the credit for getting him his start. She kind of holds him to it, I think, because he doesn't charge her his usual rate. I worry for this man, and I shouldn't.

"However, because the family did not know what I was going thru with my mother, they did not understand my need to do this. And so I suspect, this is part of the reason why they hate me so much" Yes, this is difficult. Especially with my nieces. They love their grandma, and I will not say anything about my reasons for not being around. My family? Stuff gets repeated, and distorted and it is just too much effort to try to keep it all straight and defend myself. ENOUGH.

Thank you so much for your insight.

April 4, 2007
10:31 pm
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Shaney!

Where ya been?

Yes I hear ya - "I'm sick of being her emotional dumpster."

"I DO have a choice... but I think my mom would really freak out. I think if I took my lifeline away, she would finally crack. I don't know. The whole thing makes me sick." Yes, I know the feeling. My mother used to say it, "*Bevdee* I don't know what I would do without you" Thankfully, there are all the other family and extended family members for her to focus on when I retreat.

The hardest thing for me to grasp and keep hold of is that she is not my responsibility. Her happiness, her life, her MOOD of the moment. Really not my responsibility. Still... easier said than done.

(((Shaney)))

April 5, 2007
7:31 am
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thewall
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Bevdee,

My mom told me she would kill herself if I ever moved out of town to go to college. I did. She didnt. It was simply a way to control me and keep me where she could use and abuse me. I was not going to be her punching bag anymore. I was not going to be her emotional toy. I think my mother hated me for my strength; strength that she didnt have, strength that she wanted but was far out of her reach at that point in her life. And so she tried to beat it out of me, tried to threaten me with her hatred.

If it had not been for the support of a therapist, there is no way on this earth that I would have been able to do that. It was the hardest thing I have done, yet the most rewarding. I wish there could have been other ways. I wish my mother would have responded to simply hearing me when I would try to talk to her. But she didnt. wouldnt. And so loosing her gave me my life back. Actually, by then I never had her. ouch. Like I said, I was a thing to be controlled and beaten and used for her sick gratifications. If she couldnt find a way to use me, if she didnt feel like beating me that day (she didnt have to have a reason to beat me..she would just wake me up and do it), then she would give me an overdose of medication to make me throw up, then get on the phone and call the family "Oh lord, the kid is sick again. why does this always have to happen to me".............. she would make me sick to get attention. and no one ever caught on.

Amazingly enough, I came out pretty sane. I dont know how. Strong will and determination I think. God. A few supportive friends. and an "I'll show you" attitude. She used to tell me I would never amount to anything, that I would always be white trash bc thats how I grew up. lol. showed her! Not white trash (I do hate that term), educated, career, nice house and car... and I owe it all to my mother. Those words drove me to prove myself. At one point I thought I wanted to go to med school, but only so she would be proud of me, to show her. But then I realized that if I became a brain surgeon, she would still say "but you're not a heart specialist, they have a harder job than you do". She always found something that I didnt do well enough. So I didnt go to med school, just got a masters degree and am doing well with it. But I did that part for me. not her. The family doesnt even know what I do as a career, bc its been so long since they have asked or found interst in me (just the usual hi at funerals is all now). Screw them . I dont need them anymore. It would be my luck that when I finally got over them, they would decide to want back in my life. They havent yet, but at this point I dont want to try it bc I dont think I can. Once you get over someone, its over, ya know? After 20 yrs, its over. (except for my cruel little sister that I raised, who sometimes I still miss. I do dread it if she comes back. How confusing that owuld be.).

Anyway, Still I rise, and so will you.

have a good day

thewall

April 5, 2007
10:03 pm
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bevdee
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Thewall

My mom told me once that she would kill herself if I didn't come over and heat up some chicken soup for her. She had had a cold for 10 days and said she was so tired of being sick she had loaded her gun. A cold. Not a terminal illness. When we disagreed she would say. "I'll just remove myself from your world will that make you happy?"

She's still here.

Where you said white trash? I think my mother and her family think I am shite trash, and have lost my mind, because I don't dress for dinner, I have no credit cards, etc. I wear my jeans and just keep my life as simple as I can for now. I made this choice to just shuck all the things that my mother thought she needed to make her happy. I wanted to see if it really made me happy, and I found that is doesn't. I am more like my daddy than anyone knew, and that drives her crazy.(er)

"I think my mother hated me for my strength; strength that she didnt have, strength that she wanted but was far out of her reach at that point in her life. And so she tried to beat it out of me, tried to threaten me with her hatred."

This is more profound than you probably realize. I have had these thoughts for a long time. What did she fear? Why are they so fearful they sought to destroy that which they feared? Spirit beauty? Clarity of thinking? Strong survival instinct?

Just like with the ex-abuser, I spent so much time trying to figure this out. Distance has provided the most illumination to me. I am not as tense or angry. Seriously!! I still haven't called her back - I won't.

Thanks for talking to me.

(((Miss Wall)))

April 6, 2007
6:44 pm
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Hey

Firstly I want to say how much I love that poem...I keep reading it over and over...thank you Wall for posting it...it is really inspirational

Bev....I read what you write and as always am lost in admiration at how well you relate your story and at the depth of insight you have...i have no words of wisdom...but...will a hug do?

((((Bev))))

love sleepless

April 6, 2007
7:15 pm
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Sleepless

you ask - "but...will a hug do?"

Yes, thank you. (((Sleepless)))

April 7, 2007
1:14 am
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Hey there bev :o)... I've been around here and there. Mostly reading, sometimes writing. I tend to write longs posts, and sometimes I just don't have the time that I need to do so... so I wait... then by the time I come back, I'm too far behind to write my original thought. You know?

Just wanted to check in and say hello and happy Easter, before I left for my mom's. Wish me luck. Actually, wish me peace. Or better yet, pray that I lose my hearing when I get there and regain it once I return home. I just hung up the phone with her and I'm using my last bit of energy to type this post.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you good things this weekend. I'll be back for a quick moment on Sunday, so I'll check back. Hey, how are all of your animals? I have this friend in Australia, and she calls my dogs " the furs." Funny huh?

April 9, 2007
1:43 pm
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Shaney
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Just checking in on you to see what you and your furs are up to this sunny Monday morning :o)

April 9, 2007
1:58 pm
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Shaney.

I didn't see your post of the 7th. I'm sorry! I hope your weekend wasn't too stressful.

I got up early this morning all rejuved from my weekend, called in for my assignments and was told I am 2nd shift today. I forgot! So I have been getting caught up on chores that I neglected this weekend when I went out of town.

The furs? Well the old guy (my boxer) is out in the yard patrolling the street. He takes this responsibility very seriously. The 4# chihuahua is running around trying to be the old dog- barking and scrappy.. He actually barks so hard his little front feet come off the ground. Now the fur diva, the girl, has been lending me her decorating expertise while I hung a new shower curtain window curtains and placed rugs in the bathroom. She cocks her head and winks when I talk to her. I believe she agrees that a new color scheme is needed periodically to change a girl's outlook.

I hate I have to work tonight!

April 9, 2007
3:29 pm
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Shaney
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Ahh, the dreaded 2nd shift .... good luck with that. At least you'll come home to a clean house after getting all of your chores done! Good stuff.

My weekend was really good. With the rest of the family around, my mom had lots of people to talk to, so I felt free to move about - I didn't have to babysit at all :o). My mom was never one to control me or make me feel bad about being a strong person... in fact she did the opposite. She and my dad (not together since I was in 8th grade) have always given me more confidence and self esteem than two parents ever could. BUT, since my mom lacks ANY of that, she attaches herself to me like a hungry tick. It's sad, really, and extremely draining. But, fortunately, I didn't get any of that this weekend. Whew!

Everyting is pretty good. The house is still up for sale with no bites, and we're currently stuck paying two mortgages, but we're hopeful.

Anyhoo - hope your day is GREAT!

April 9, 2007
4:20 pm
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on my way
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YOu know I am reding all of this, and the insight is so true. But the word that came to mind is 'worship'...in a twisted sort of way. Bev, your mom sounds like she is after your worship and whoever else can give it to her, but only thing is that not really anyone worships another human being. I'm sorry, I feel for you. Parents are to love their children in the grand scheme of things, not rip them apart if we don't love them in this sick twisted way. I agree with the wall's comments, she needs to be needed. Would be better for you for her to just realize that you love her, but that your relationship changes as you both become older. Sounds like you are making positive steps for you though. I have had the same problems with an older sister in the past. Somehow we worked it out, but it took me finally standing up for myself, and some time. It will be good for your mom too, if you do not play her game. She may never realize what she is doing, but hopefully she will. She is certainly worth more than being needed. And you are worth more than what she expects from you. Hope it all works out. Shaney's black bear story hits the nail on the head.

Best to you.

April 9, 2007
4:42 pm
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Shaney
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Oh, I wish the black bear story came from my archives... but it didn't. Credit for that one goes to thewall - - - - - - :o) thanks, though.

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