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Bev, I have a question for you.....
February 3, 2007
5:12 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev, I fully believe in my heart that you may be able to help me with a question that I have in my heart. Your stories have led me to this question...as I have watched and read. I will tell you that it is regarding the whole suicidal/cutting issue. Are you up to this? I know that you have shared a whole lot lately, so I don't want to just throw the question out there. Just let me know if you are willing to talk.

Thanks Bev...

Mich

February 3, 2007
10:35 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

What is the question?

February 6, 2007
1:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

You see this from the opposite side of the coin than I do.

I get the sense that you have felt manipulated by your mother and your sisters threats of suicide or other self harming behaviors. I am not sure if you felt that they were/are a atttention seeking thing or not. I, Bev, don't need the attention. I want the pain to stop. Jim says this is a matter of retraining my thought processes. My initial reaction is to go to the suicidal thoughts, or the cutting. (which jim is still unaware of the cutting...as that was NOT an issue when i started to see him, it became a way to deal with the pain since then) I am trying to get to a point where I am not too ashamed to say anything. It is a tough thing to admit, and talk about. BUT, I don't tell my family about it. My husband on RARE occasion. I cannot even contemplate the idea of telling my sister or my brothers. And my parents are COMPLETELY out of the question. And I would NEVER consider the idea of telling my children. So I came here. I was told about this site by my cousin. She was unaware of a lot of the things that she read. BUT, I have chosen not to tell my family because I don't want them to feel the way you do. I don't want them to feel manipulated. My intent has honestly NEVER been to manipulate anyone. I have stated facts. I don't like the facts, it is just where I am. I know that people do it for attention, and to purposely try to manipulate people. I truly don't. I don't like feeling this way. AT ALL. I want it to stop. I want the help that I need to overcome the issue at hand. I want to be happy. I want to find healthy solutions to my problems, as opposed to immediately leaning towards ANY self destructive behaviors. But, I believe that support would make that easier for me. I believe that my husband would support me, and I believe that there are other people in my life that would. So, here is my question.

How do I express the pain that I have inside, or talk about the feelings that I have WITHOUT making them feel manipulated or used or anything else of the nature? My intent is NOT to hurt anyone...and I figured that if I could ask you...you have been on the other side. Where I believe that you have felt manipulated and torn by your mother and sisters actions and words. I WANT to be different Bev, I want it to stop...but how do I talk to the people that TRULY want to help me. I am going to counseling, I am reading books, I am starting a book study with some other girls....I am trying to make some positive changes in my life. My husband wants to support me, and I know that he would. But it is something that he doesn't understand and he can only see the present in my life. He knows that my life RIGHT NOW is not horrible. It isn't typically my current everyday life that causes this pain and these desires, it is the past...be it nightmares, flashbacks, memories that I can't escape, or feeling violated in the ways that I was in the past. That is hard to explain to someone AND make them understand when they have never been there themselves. I am glad that the people that care about me don't know the pain that I speak of, but that doesn't make it not real. The pain that I feel is very real.

Is there a right answer? I don't want to hurt people here, by talking about suicide, but it is a VERY real issue to me. Cutting is a VERY real issue to me. I am hurting. I have tried to avoid my family..which I don't think is fair to the ones (My husband and my one Aunt who want desperately to help me) But I don't want to make them feel basically the same way that you do. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I want help, and I need support. SO what do I do? Seeing it from the other side of the coin for me is hard...as I have had suicidal tendancies for as long as I can really remember.

Well, I am not sure that my question makes any sense to you at all. But I tried. There isn't an easy way to ask what I am trying to ask. So I guess we will have to work with what I have here. I will read it and re-read it and see if I can add anyomre, or what...just let me know what you think. Cause I don't know. I can't see it from your point of view. And your point of view is closer to what I would expect from those that love me and care about me....than I could imagine.

Thanks Bev.

Mich

February 6, 2007
4:46 pm
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bevdee
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I am curious as to why you are asking only me this question. I was not the lone voice.

February 6, 2007
4:55 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Only because I think that I understand how you feel the way you do. I am not looking for someone to sugar coat an answer for me, and I believe that you won't. And by posting it as a broad question to the entire world...is it seeking support or attention. I know that YOU can see the flip side to my coin. I thought that I would ask you, as many do (ask one or two people) around here when they think that one person in particular may be able to help them answer a question. It has NOTHING to do with anything other than that....would it make you more comfortable if I re-posted it on the other side as a general post? I was trying to find an answer to my question. I hoped that you would help me. I know your feelings and have seen your heart. If you don't want to answer it...don't. It was that simple...I asked...that was all that I could do. Thanks for at least taking the time to read it.

February 6, 2007
4:56 pm
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bevdee
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I'll get back with you in a few. because this is a question that has been on my mind, too. From my side of the coin.

February 6, 2007
5:36 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

"And by posting it as a broad question to the entire world...is it seeking support or attention."

Good question!! I have asked that question myself, but from my perspective, and decided to wait awhile.

"I don't want to hurt people here, by talking about suicide, but it is a VERY real issue to me."

"How do I express the pain that I have inside, or talk about the feelings that I have WITHOUT making them feel manipulated or used or anything else of the nature? My intent is NOT to hurt anyone…"

You are not responsible for MY feelings. Nor I yours. But, I don't know, because if there were responses to the suicide expressions, there were also responses to my post to robert123. It makes people who are still into threatening or defending that behaviour more defensive when someone else stops doing it or comments on it. It's gonna happen. Just like the porn has sides- the man bashing has sides, and opinions on victimisation - it's all gonna happen, and it will happen here.

"I WANT to be different Bev, I want it to stop...but how do I talk to the people that TRULY want to help me." To whom are you referring?

I feel like you might be asking my permission for something that is not mine to give - but please don't think that I may never again have childhood memories surface, or that I won't talk about them.

At first I avoided those suicide threads, because I got so upset. Now that I know why I get upset, I can read them and learn from them. On the advice of a wise presence here, I looked to myself.

I felt that I was beating my head against the wall when I stated that I need to talk about it (until I realized it was exactly like my family of origin). Regardless of anyone's participation or silent presence on this forum, my hope for me is that there are others who will not be too intimidated by their own childhood trauma and old behaviour patterns to speak up and ... talk it out. I can't describe how it felt to me when folks reached out and hugged me in response. That has never happened in my life.

I will not be self-conscious about this anymore. If something that I say offends or insults someone - it really ain't my problem. And the same should hold true for anyone else. No one is responsible for my life,the choices I make, or my feelings but me. Nor I theirs. If I get feedback, I consider it. I might not necessarily agree - immediately, but I don't automatically discard the feedback because it is uncomfortable.

"Cause I don't know. I can't see it from your point of view."

Duality is tough to some folks. I am not going to keep yammering on and on about this. I don't feel the need to make you understand me, Mich. The posts are still there.

February 6, 2007
7:45 pm
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bevdee
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As for posting it on the other side? That's not a bad idea.

February 6, 2007
10:08 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I knew that in asking you I was taking a risk...given "our past." I am sorry that I asked because it was a VERY real question, with all sincerity in it. I am not feeling suicidal, I asked you for a reason. I was trying to figure out how to heal a part of my life, without hurting my family and friends the way that you were hurt by yours. And as far as anything regarding our past...I haven't forgotten it Bev, just trying to move forward and heal. That is what we are all here to do. I was hoping that you could answer a question that might help me to move forward, and to give someone your opinion on what might stop them from hurting people the way that you have been hurt. I am sorry that I asked. Not sorry to you...BY ANY MEANS...only that I took the risk of asking a question to only be sorry again.

Thanks anyways. I am glad that it gave you the opportunity to vent once again. I appreciate that you at least took the time to read it though Bev. Thanks...

Mich

February 6, 2007
10:21 pm
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bevdee
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"I was hoping that you could answer a question that might help me to move forward" Unfortunately, I am still in the healing process, so I have no answers for you.

"Thanks anyways. I am glad that it gave you the opportunity to vent once again."

I'm sorry you perceived this as venting I was trying to be honest and not sugar-coat any of my responses.

February 13, 2007
2:29 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev, I just wanted to let you know that I was honest with Jim today and I told him about the cutting. That scares me some, but I am hoping that it begins a whole new healing process for me. I am just glad that it is out.

Mich

February 13, 2007
2:46 pm
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bevdee
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Hey.

I have thought alot about your question re: manipulation and attention seeking.

I really don't believe your telling your therapist is in any way either of those.

HE can help with that.

I didn't completely understand your other post in support, but I will say the following, based on my experience. My feelings.

When I talked to my niece about cutting, she did not talk about it in a manipulative way to me. She told me at xmas she is talking to her therapist about it. This is different than my mother and sister.

Another little side story in my niece's home is there is a 13 year old step-sister that has been hopsitalised twice in the last 6 months for her cutting. But this little girl does it when she does not get what she wants. She does not do this privately- she whips out the scissors at the supper table and does it.

I believe there is a big difference, don't you?

May I ask you a couple of questions about your other post?

Love - Bevdee

February 13, 2007
3:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev,

Yes, I believe that there is a BIG difference between the two situations. I don't do it when I don't get what I want, I do it to release pain. It is the only thing that takes away the emotional pain some times. I can't explain it. I have not brought it up here (AAC) looking for attention...I want it to stop. I HATE IT. I think a LOT of it is in the wording. It is not something that my family knows about or anything else. It is a painful experience for me, and it brings with it a lot of shame and embarassment. it isn't fun, I hate what it does to me, it is a viscious cycle. Anyone who legitimately faces the pain of this I feel for, because I DO know the pain.

Feel free to ask anything you want regarding the other post. I will answer it to the best of my ability.

I am truly glad that your niece is talking to her therapist about it. That means that she wants the help.

Love,
Mich

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