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April 13, 2004
12:34 pm
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Cici
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Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt to be separated from them? But then again, when you are together the sparks are alive and it's like inhaling chili sauce, and you get high together and off of each other, and that kinda stuff lasts a couple years and settles into this sort of cute animosity where the couple can't be apart but they don't quite get along? I don't know. I'm falling apart again. This time around is the same as usual. External stressors, internal crumbling. I'm still in massage school but I dont get the mystical-ness off it. I feel like I'm rubbing meat.

I never actually divorced my ex-husband. So I guess I have an estranged husband in federal prison. I love him so much sometimes I feel like I can't go on without him. Even when it was the worst between us he supported me and took care of me, always loved me. I will always love him. Even though it never felt perfect. Trying to use other people's definitions of perfection to define the lie of my own life. What is it then. What is the fucking point.

I did the A-B-C thing. College, marriage, start family, family dies, husband goes to prison. It's all consequences, I know. but sometimes I feel like I can't bear it all. Like I am filled up inside with crushed glass, and every movement I make is designed to alleviate the pain as much as possible. Why else would I be presribed 3 different things to tranqulize me, and they don't even fucking work. They just wash away my ability to be creative and vivacious and make me sleep 16 hours a night. Yes, I used to be functional and then I got epilepsy and a heart valve defect and my body is killing itself from reactions to cortisol it's fucking ridiculous.

My life. It's storms and calms. I'm on depakote now, next step.........doctor wants to try, um, I forget what it's called, but it's some antipsychotic. Or lithium. Great. Anyone remember that Cici used to have a big bug up her ass about medications?

What the hell. Aaron, before he went into prison, made me promise not to kill myself. I know that, so for the most part I continue to live because of my obligations to others. Not because of any great motivation on my part. I feel that the world would be a better place without me. I sure think now that reproducing would be a bad idea for me, considering that I am too fucking unstable.

I should just give up and move home with my parents. I can't make it on my own any more. I have been trying. I have been trying to be an adult. My Dad has decided that he's dying now, of all times, he has decided he won't make it to June. Great. Fucking great. How will I keep it together without him? I can't. I can't make the men in my life stay here and take care of me. And I'm tired of being so strong and taking care of everybody else.

April 13, 2004
9:18 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Cici, I'm sorry you are hurting. I too for a long long time wanted someone to take care of me. Esp men. I am learning that the ones who love me, along with ME, will take care of me. In that I mean, a supportive network of friends and family along with a healthy outlook on life is all you need. Everything you need, you have. You have been thru tough stuff, and you're still going. That's so admirable, I am serious. You will get it, baby steps and all that. It does come, it does, sometimes slowly. Just give it time. As for your Dad, savor these moments. Don't look at it as, oh great he's leaving me. Think of how he feels, all he will miss out on, and to know you are struggling I'm sure he wishes he could stay to make sure you are ok, to be there for you. It's not like he gets a choice tho.....I'm sending you some strength, ok?

And yes, I do know what you were talking about in the beginning of your post. At least I think I do. And it's been my experience that those kinds of relationships are too hot -- just like fire, it's pretty to look at and seductive, but if you play with it you will be burned.

Chin up, you are strong. Revel in your potential, and take each morning as it comes. Realize what a gift that new day is. I have become a firm believer in the past year that our outlook on life is a direct result of the sorts of thoughts we foster, and dwell on. Purposefully stop your thought process when it becomes bogged down, and think of something positive about yourself, your life, your gifts and your talents. Soon this will be a new healthier habit. Self-talk and all that. Try it.

I'm here to listen and so is everyone else.

April 14, 2004
9:41 pm
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Molly
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Cici-------------- soul sistah......... you sound tired. Are you sure that the meds aren't zapping the life out of you? I know you to be a real trooper, amongst other things. Perphaps you just need to breath more, lol....... It amazes me how you choose to keep getting up and walking into walls, and getting knocked on your ass. Yea sometimes we all wonder what is the fucking point, but duh, some where and some how we keep going on.
Obviously there is some connection in your choices your illnesses, perhaps at least you can eat, as I didn't see that listed in your issues recently. Life isn't always a friggin high, can you get that ? Life isn't always about the others, can you get that ? Life isn't always about us, and how we choose to react to it. Life is how we react to things, and we can't always depend on others, get caught in the drama, take a pill, have a drink, expect things ya know ? I know that you know. Perhaps that is your worst down fall, you are smart.
Dad dying, well, hells bells, its sad, its been comming, it happens to all of us, and its something to deal with, but ............it is.
You have magic, power, knowledge, you can use it or turn it off, that is what makes a massage rubbing meat, or sacred healing art. You are the mistress of distress or happiness, somethings are in your control, others are not. You can choose how to deal with what is not in your controll. Feelings, are thoughts,and they can controll you physically, or you can change them.
How is your drama serving you ? YOu can get out of your shit. I know that you can, how ?????that is up to you, and unfortunately, I know that you know that, I can't create your agenda. go do something different. Damm it now. Quit looking for the quick fix, do your work. You know what is healthy,and what isn't. You also know how to take the easy way out. You also know that doesn't work. Sure you are tired, and perhaps think you are sick, but you are not a quit-er. Sure its a bitch today, but you also know that you can make tomorrow different.
Its easy to think of the good with Arron gone, obcession. Its so much easier to think of the evil that existed in day to day life with him there, I think that you had too many drugs, to many people to make it work.
Get off the pity pot, get off the illness victim thinking, work it.All of the above said in love to you , to those that don't know that we know each other, in case they think this is harsh........... Fucking work it Cici and can understand the vent. xxoo

April 15, 2004
8:50 pm
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Cici.

You, you, you ... if I was there, I stick you on my pillion seat and open the throttle on my charger. At a 180 + clicks, hanging on for dear life with a thundering, throbbing engine under your arse, you'd know why you're alive kiddo. You'd be living in the instant then without a care in the world except for hanging on for all you're worth. 🙂

April 22, 2004
10:25 am
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lewis
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: )

i like the sound of that

: )

fun fun

April 23, 2004
3:35 pm
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wishes
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I totally agree! Oh the things that would be different....hmmmm.....

April 29, 2004
10:06 pm
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Molly
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Cici----- its really dominating when you post your stuff, and people reply, and you don't respond. Especially with something as heavy as your considerations. I really get the need for space and processing, but damn gina.... respond...

April 30, 2004
8:25 pm
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Molly.

Please excuse both my ignorance and my curiosity.

You said:

"but damn gina.... respond... "

What does the word 'gina' mean? Is it Cici's name? Is it an abreviation of the word 'vagina'? Is it some slang word with which I am unfamiliar? Or is it just a typo?

April 30, 2004
10:20 pm
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Molly
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Its a slang, for girlfriend. to the best of my knowledge.

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