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AW cameo appreance/had miscarraige/heartbroken, lost, very sad
February 2, 2007
11:55 pm
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addicts wife
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Hi everyone. It's beenover an eternity since Ive visited. things have been so great with j and I. We were pregnant, adnI was 12 weeks, buthad some cramping and then some bleeding. called mydoc, and they squeezed me in for an "emergancy ultrasound. Turns out that The baby died at 9 weeks, so I was walking aroundwith a dead fetus for overtwo weeks. I had a D& C on Wednesday. j was wonderful, adnhas been. I mean the night I called the on call MD, heneeded to go to the shop andwork it our, which sucked, becasue we dea lwith trauma nd pain differnetly. I grab it and kick it in the face and he sticks his head up his butt, but the follwong day, when it all came crashing around me, he wasand has been by my side, hugging, crying and being the strong, dotingspouse. Ive been doing "ok" Im justfeeling so lost thisevening, and figured I bettercome here for support, feedback, and a distraction form my head. so Here I am.kinda raw, definately sad, but here.

addicts wife
2-Feb-07

Let me also say(vent....0 this was a "surprize" preganacy, and a very high risk one at that, J and I spent numerous hours at high risk clinics, appointments every other week, and to add to Diabetes.chronic pain issues already in progress, I was told that I have early stages of kidney disease, and hypo thyoid disease. so this was not only extremely stressful, but was told it was "do able" just will have to be wtched very closely.I wasalwaus so afraid ot be pregnant, I NEVER allowed myself to want to be, then there I was with a + pregnancy test on Christmas eve, and neverwanted it more.. then..well then I ene=ded up withthe above post. and here I am.

February 3, 2007
10:37 am
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Randomwomen2
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I just wanted to give you some more hugs sweetheart ((AW)) I am so so sorry for your loss.

February 3, 2007
10:42 am
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risingfromtheashes
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sweetie...I am sorry for your loss....I never know what to say...so just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

February 3, 2007
12:49 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((((AW)))) I'm so sorry for you loss honey. Take time to mourn and time for YOU. We are all here for you if you would like to talk it out.

February 3, 2007
4:51 pm
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lightchaser
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I am so sorry for your loss ((((AW))) I understand how you feel as much as any other person can. I was 9 weeks along and had the bleeding and had to go in for the emergency ultrasound. I found out the baby had died at 8 weeks. I didn't have the D&C, but instead misscarried the night before it was scheduled.

It is a death worth grieving for. It still hurts me to think about it and that was 4 years ago. But . . .you do heal and you do go on.

Just know you are not alone. You are in my thoughts today. Take care and come back to talk when you need to.

February 5, 2007
11:47 pm
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addicts wife
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((((Thank you all so much)))))))))))))
I so appreciate it, and forot ho helpful this site is.
I know it's not easy for anyone, but with all my health issues, I can't help but feel the guilty part of the denial thing of grieving, even though allllllllll the docs I saw and spoke withsaid "there is nothing you did wrong, and healthier women have had this happen too, especially with this kind of miscarraige, there is just no knowing why."
Its just so much more painful becasue It felt so good , adn so right being pregnant...which iNEVER in my wildest dreams ever would have thought I'd ever say. Iwas going to have kitties and piuppies and maybe a duck, but a baby??...a baby person?!?!?!?
I have this whole pregnancy book. It was beautiful, and cute and it's all filled out up to the 3rd month, which I had barely gotten to, but was so "into" having a book for me ,J, and baby to read together in 100 years. I guess I'll put it in a specail box or something.
I was mortified ot have a D& C, but it went well, I guess whatever they used to knock me out worked really well, which I was scared about, from my years working at Planned Parenthod, The twilight aneastesia was not very potent ot strong, and I assisted in procedures that most pateints didnt really remember, but had the fuzzy kinda drinking issues fuzzyness to it, and I always thought that's what It'd be like personally IF i ever had that kind of anestesia , but apparently thye give me alot more if you've been on pain meds awhile and if you're in a facility that doesnt rely on different funding, like Planned parenthood.The nurse laughed when I kinda came too, becasue All i could do was say "Im loopy." and they said good.I dont think thye patted me on the head, I felt as though some big sister type had just patted me on the head in a sweet way, not a condescending way.
J suggested we make an apointment with the High Rick pregancy clinic BEFORE we get pregnant again IF I decide i can/want too, to see what they say and ot start everything early, Or before.I thought that was a great idea, and was thriled to hear him say things like that.amd didnt forget that as much as a loss I was feeling that he felt it too and was equally if not more sad, disappointed , becasue he didnt know what to do for me, and didnt want to make it about him.
he just got home wiht a bunch of milk, bytter, juice and eggs, and bread..LOL and some ugly dented cans form the rack they hide inthe back corner of the store.. the rack of misfit cans we get for about .25-.75 cents.hes soo adorable whe nhe gets bargai nat the gorcery store all by himself!! LOL...which is good, becasue shopping with him can be annoying. He looks- at- and -reads every-single item-in-the-store.., with my list, coupons, get in grab and go... and with him it seems to take forever, adn he alsways get in that mood when Im starving and exhausted, becasue we're usually driving towards home and he asks, "whats for dinner?" and then it takes over an hour i nthe store and THEN we go home, put away, and start preparing. at that point Im usually just ready for P,B,&J...LOL
Guess Im avoiding my thread topic here, but I am also just venting or blabbertyping... feeling my hands going numb and my back protesting this chair, so I will end up going to take my "before bed eds" and settle in to a better position, but I am so grateful for this site and allll the wonderful. lovely people who are here adn keep it, and all of us going with suport, candidness, raw honesty and strength even when we're feelingthe weakest!!
Thank you!
All my love,
"aw" 🙂
I may be back before bed If I get a 2nd wind... but wil ldefinately be back tomorrow sometime!!

February 7, 2007
12:24 am
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addicts wife
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Well, I wasnt able to sleep a wink last night but endedup not being any form of productive today andslept a lot. J made me chcicken Tetrizini(Sp??) and made surei at least checked my blood Glucose and tok all my meds.
after he went out to run some erands i kind of sat there and thought "I guess it's time ot say goodbye." Ive been feeling like All im doing is saying goodbye, and being in a haze, but this evening I sat and posted a blog on myspace and really said all tht i washurting aout and how sorry I was, and it was generally a letter to my baby that i didnt even get to really say hello to, althouhg I talked ot it for 3 months and said good morning everyday, ..I said goodbye,andsobbed, and got nauseated and put it in HP's hands and asked for strenth and courage andsaid if it's possible for me todo this , it will hapen again, for real.
Im going t og obrush my teetha nd erhaps even take a shower before bed so I can feel cleansed, and refreshed for real sleep with good dreams instead of reliving the passed 3 months especially last week over and over in some half sleep medicated state.

February 7, 2007
7:50 am
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lightchaser
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(((AD))) I am glad you are feeling a little better. Saying goodbye is important and it may take a few times before you really mean it. I used to visualize my baby all grown up and what he would have ben like as a man, standing beside me. It was a very good feeling. I know its weird, butt hat is how I said goodbye.

i didn't mention in my story above that I got pregnant again a month after my misscarriage. The first time we tried we made a baby. She was a girl and we had no probalems except that she came 6 weeks early, but was healthy. So . . .there are reasons for the things that happen. I would have never had this daughter if it weren't for the one I lost and like my four year old said to me yesterday out of the blue, " God gave you the perfect kid for you, and it was me".

So . . .if it is meant to be it will be. I like the idea J had of talking to a docter before getting pregnant again.

Take care AD and keep posting.

Love, Light

February 7, 2007
9:08 am
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addicts wife
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Thanks light, for everything, especially being so candid about your personal experiences.
I am stil lvery exhausted, but am getting out of the house today to tend t othings like depositing my paycheck and bathing. my friend is going to be in town and running some errands, and she offered t orun my errands for me , but I said I think it's healthier if i perhaps run them with you. so It's morning, I am up and going to be productive one way or another. I think even if I g o out t oget Dunkin Donuts coffee it'll be betterthan moving from the couch to the bed to the kitchen, and so on.
so with a prayer(or 2, or 3...) Im off toface the day.
Perhaps I will be blessed again.
J and I will probably make an appointment with the high risk clinic if not jsut my Ob/gyn BEFORE to see what they think and start wit prenatal vitamins at least and proper insulin and so on. It could happen.

I also pictured my baby as a toddler, and at different stages of life. things like the first day of school, etc. Maybe it's weird, but it's just what I did, Ive been weird before!!
And now Im just trying t oget up anddo something as simple as take a shower, get dressed and face the day...
wish me luck!!
I'm off....
((((Thank you)))))
love,
AW

February 7, 2007
12:20 pm
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addicts wife
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well, I am back. I do feel better. I know I'll have a few more stay in my jammies grab the kleenex, and the remote moments, but I did something productive and went out into the world. (Only stop and shop and the city hall, but still. stood in line at my bank, made chit chat, smiley joke talk withthe teller adn didnt burst into tears, got coffee with my friend that i ran errands with , and felt good. There is still a saddness hanging over me, but I even got home and made couple phone calls. (had to cal lthe state and tell them i needed to switch from Husky(kids prego mom t obe medical) back ot "regular" adn also tell them i got my social security disability medical card and will be recieving SSI income. hard calls otmake , saying out loud to virtula strangers that i miscarried isnt going to get much easier , at least ofr a while. It's been a week since the D & C. ((ouchhhhh))
but today, ikinda faced the day, and am going to think about going to get stuff like cheese, lunch meat and something for dinner. Maybe even go tWalmart and get some storage totes to get this tiny apartment a little better organized.. or maybe will wait until tomorrow.
just feeling a little stronger, despite myself.

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