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aw, about spiritual matters
June 20, 2005
11:52 am
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exoticflower
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A friend of mine I told you about was mentioning something she did just to sort of bring forth her own goddess and help her to identify with it...I was wondering if you had any suggestions about such?" As for now, I'm just really trying to heal from some blows to my ego, got amythist in my pocket at all times and trying to be super aware of the really posssitive things I see outdoors and what they show me about our natural cycle (saw a mother bird feeding her baby even though she was injured this morning...that was HUGE for me)...

I just wondered if you have any suggestions regarding tapping into my own sence of self worth and how to draw some sort of possitive view and esteem from around me?

June 20, 2005
12:14 pm
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((((EF)))))
I would Love to help with this.
I struggle through highs and lows, and often the ego blows seem to hit such a deep nerve Im a blubbering floundering wreck for a few days.

Lets seeeeeeee..........
Soem of what Ive done (and do) Is make a short list..(If its too long I get more overwhelmed and feel more helpless when I am in one of my funks)

but a short list of saaay 3 things you want to nurture and bring out within yourself...
For Example:

1) Patience.

2) clarity

3) creativity.

IF you have the time and space... sit yourself down, even light a candle as you gather some crayons, markers or just a pen if thats all you have.

IF you have a quartz crystal, after youve gathered the above things sit with that ,and hold it.. think about yourself focusing on inner strength and beauty... ((even a rock that feels good in your hand will suffice.)

after a moment, when you feel that energy has centered you (even if just a little) place the rock or crystal or whatever ) down, make your little list.Slowly, picuring thse things filling you, giving you energy.. and take a few deep madatative breaths in and slowly out.

If you can, play some music that empowers,and motivates you while doing this. and doodle, draw, scribble while thinking of these things.
you can fold this list as you feel youve completedit, taking in one last slow breath, and letting it out slowly.
and either keep it in your pocket with you and your ameythist((sp?!?) and go about your day... or If you have a little box that you can keep the list in with a crystal or rock((whatever, its symbolic more than anything, thee actual "rock" etc isnt that important, to me as far as I can tell)

and when you are done with your day.. when you are in bed about to sellp think about the things on your list and do some of those breathing exercises like "in with the good, out with the bad" slowly, and imagine your body relaxing more each time, as you fall asleep.

And if you dont have to jump up and run outof bed in the morning (as a lot of us do have to do this especially when you have a chi9ld) try to do some breathing like the above, whil ethinking of the things on your list, but this time not so much on relaxing, but motivating and filling you with clarity and energy.

**********************************
these are just a few simple "things" that have helped me, and none of it is very formal, but useful in subtle empowerment ,and you may find yourself noticing a lot more of the days subtle blessing, that will empower your thoughts, body and spirit throughout your days.... a WONDERFUL example was the injured mama bird you saw feeding her little one!!!!! that was fabulous!!

I remember a few times doingthis sort of thing, even during a walk in the reservoir.. everything had this rhythm about it, and a sparkle, and I began to feel part of it and got a lot of energy from that.

Hope this helps.
(((hug)))
AW

June 20, 2005
12:21 pm
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also,
I know al ot of peoplesay that they dont have a creative bone in their bodies, etc.. but isay "poo poo" to that.. we all do.
one thing that is quite simple and can even be fun is to staret drawing, scribbling, doodling.or even get a "kit" of somesort from the craft dept at walmart.
Making something taps into the creative and spritual person in all of us. Even making a casserole can be considered creative..

I often put on some silly funny happy music that empowers me and start moving around the apartment , letting myself dance around (Like an idiot in my underwear) and moving to the music uninhibited like a toddler, or young child. it feels great, and just when you start to feel embarrassed or like you should stop.. .do it more ,and let yourself laugh, and remind yourself that YOU are a Beautiful person and just being able to have the freedom to move.. t omove around all goofy is a blessing and a freedom.

June 20, 2005
12:42 pm
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aw, big fan of the music and dancing and celebrating to bring out my possitive. A great one for that is the talking heads song "And She Was".

THe post above that, though, wow. I think that's a big thing, I have not bothered to really zone in on what it is I am hoping to tap inot or discover or work with, you know? I..just...want...things...better, sometimes, without really simplifying...brain clutter.

I tend to adopt certain stones just as they feel good to me when I look at or hold them...I too am not big on formalities.

Centering, you mentioned that, and I think it is a big one we tend to forget as women, and as modern people in general. Thanks. thanksthanks! (((((aw))))))))

June 20, 2005
6:24 pm
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(((((EF)))))))
I understand you not being ceratin of what exactly you may want or looking for right now... could be one of those things that you will just know when it occurs.

I Often pick up and collect rocks that feel good in my hand or if I like the way they look and feel, so thats why i proposed that.
😀

I Love that talking head song too , by the way.. a great one to boogie around too, or even dust or do dishes too... heck any music can help take the monotony of "chores" away a little!!!

😉

June 21, 2005
12:47 am
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another thing i did that raise some eyebrows but i didnt care was taping "affirmations" on my bathroom mirror, so I could read them, while "sitting" across, or while brushing my teeth, or grimmacing at my hair,poking at pores ,and looking at stray eyebrow hairs.. trying NOT to puck because Im afraid I wouldnt know when to stop and I'd have none left beofre i knew it...
((issues, I have a few...LOL))

I also sometimes tell myself "I ROck"
andthings like that.. but I'll dealve deeper into more spiritual things at a later time, right now I am exhausted, so Its probably not the best isea to get into the topic at the moment.
sweet dreams~~~ Blessed Be.
AW

June 21, 2005
2:58 am
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AW, I took a very centering walk outside today, just for about ten minutes but really tuned me out and everything else in. It was very cleansing, very centering. What I tend to tote around more than rocks are leaves--pretty ones with special little veins in them...there is so much to be apriciated in such an intricate little creation, with the subtle color and textures in each one, the veins, the shape. If you look at them closely they are so fragile and stunning, almost like bits of unique lace, if that makes sense.

Thanks for your input here! Sleep well((((gnight!))))

June 21, 2005
11:47 am
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((((EF)) that souned wonderful and madea lot ofsence to me...I Love leaves!! for the same reasons you described!!

Apparently i was pooped becasue I slept like a log until ELEVEN AM!!!!
thats odd ofr me, as I usually wake up at the crack of dawn adn try and beg for a few moments more with my face in the pillow exlaiming "Noooo, not yet, morning, not yet"
but today was a differnt story.
Sheeeeeshhhh..
anywaaay, I am plannig on going for a little walk later, myself, I HAVE to, becasue I havent for some time and its one of those things I so loved and enjoyed when my body cooperated better.

😉 hope you have a fantasticTuesday!!
((((hug)))))

June 24, 2005
10:51 pm
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Maybe you could look at these blows to your ego, and ask yourself why you feel 'less than'. What is the blow making you think?

When was the first time you felt.... whatever it is.

Was that resolved, or have you carried it for a long time.

Our answers are often in our past. When something in the present touches that raw and unhealed spot, you may think it's now...

But it was set up then. That's important to know, I think.

June 25, 2005
6:46 pm
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"raw and unhealed spot"

Ladyv, that is it exactly for me very often. What it was was my ex attacking me emotionally in a way he knew my stepmother did as a child, and me feeling a lot like a child again with the powerlessness, the actually taking to heart what he was saying--I felt weak and powerless and definately lacking in self esteem. I took his cruelty and delt with it as the child I was last time these things where said to me, like full on. It was hard being back in that place, I have been often lately, and it's started at times to take its toll on my sense of self worth.

June 29, 2005
3:41 am
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Ah, Exoticflower,
Then you are getting closer to knowing how you can help yourself heal and feel better.

I suggest that you could do some work on your stepmother's effect on you.

When that is dealt with, you will not find yourself letting similar occuances happen around you. You'll be out of there FAST.

If you have no one to work it out with, then you might try and do it with writing. Write out an incident that you remember.....Don't take too long over it. You'll forget it soon.

Then you write to your stepmother and tell her that it was cruel and damaging and she must stop it. No one is allowed to treat you so. You are not to be abused.

Then write out the story again, but change the ending from where she starts to abuse you....... you take charge in the story... stop her, have someone come and tell her she's not permitted to do that. You tell her she has to do better around you. Respect you as a person and treat you gently and with care.

Do this again and again with different or even similar or same indidents.

You know she was in the wrong.... therefore let yourself out of the cage that abusers cage.

I write on your other thread. I hope you're taking care.

June 29, 2005
10:50 am
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just wanted otlet you know Ive been thinking about you..an this matter, and Ive found a bunch of my old books that i will flip through and see if any thing sparks something I think may be useful to ya'

Hope you're doing great!!!
Dont get frustrated IF you seem to be down at first. Healing from emotionally abusive situations can seem ot feel like you're going back to "that place" at first, but it is the healing process' way of allowing you to "claim it, own it, acknowledge it" so you can move on far away from it...

((in my experience(s) anyway))

~AW

June 29, 2005
11:14 am
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AW, I wish we could exchange info, I would love to elaborate without offending anyone (which such discussions would, of course).

I heard this great thing on another thread about visualizing your higher power, gining them your piece of pain as though it where too heavy fruit. I am trying to imabgine some amazng, all encompassing earth mother that we could all be, with clarity, strength, beuty of self, bravery, accceptance of surroundings, holding my had and offering the strength I keep thinking I lack. It is there, I knw, waiting for me to accept it--ah, higher power whatever it is, so much smarter than my defence mechanisms!

June 29, 2005
10:32 pm
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((((EF)))))
Ive been thinking the same things.. actually I was typing about exchanging info, but then I realized Id been thinking the other things you typed too...

Im not having a very creative typing "moment at this particular moment...so I'll come back when Im feeling a little better..((w/o diclosing too much info : BAD tummyx2 days now)
But i wanted ot let ya' know I read this post.
((hug))
PS..Im GOing to make YOU that If you can read this youre oogling my daughters lunch t shirt... I LOVED that Idea... so I'll have to find a way to send it to you.

Its much nicer than my XXSMALL t shirt that said "Anorexia is Phat" I wore it when I started gaining wieght form my recovery of eating disorder and my fat was hanging out from under it.. It was hysterical.
.....anywaaaaay.
yep. gunna go now.
Luv ya'
Later.

July 1, 2005
12:32 pm
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((((((((((((((((EF))))))))))))))))))
How are you today???
Thinkin of ya'
AW

July 1, 2005
4:01 pm
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Hi Hun...
O Know you said tht you'd be goingto a friends for a few days to "regroup"
Just wanted ot let you know Im thinking of ya, adn that Im here fopr ya'.
We can find a way t oexchange info, so we can communicate more privately and openly.

Hope youre doing okay.

Love ya'
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
~AW

July 4, 2005
10:53 am
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Hey EF (((((hugs to you today)))))))
Just thinkin about you, hopingyoure doing okay!!1
I posted to you "downstairs" on the hugs for EF thread, but couldnt seem to resist posting here too.
I am thinking of you today, andhoping youre doing great, my kinderd spirit!!
LOL((I have to tell you i typed Kindred SPRITE, And realized it and changed it.... LOLOL ROFL well, sprite, spirit,,,whatever.....
😀 you catch my drift..((I hope))
😉
Love ya'
AW

July 4, 2005
11:18 am
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AW, I am well...here, just sort of lurking around now and again. I've been taking a lot of quiet time, and am getting a new therapist in addition to my old one and spending a lot of time outdoors just trying to get a feel for the possitive and hang on to it.

Thank you so much for thinking about me today, I could use it and it is felt warmly and gratefuly. Little girl and I send you and toddles tons of hugs! Things will be fine, I think, I just need to use my time very wisely and really tap into all the strength around me that I can find and use it, not just sit on it. I am one who tends to save up or hoard support, spiritual love, friendship, what have you...afraid to use it to neurture myself, if that makes sense, lest I run out and need it more later. I have to not do that now though, I have to trust that there will be more, and it is for me to use find comfort in.

Ooooh. That was a nice little breakthrough...thanks for setting that one up for me, AW. I hope you are well and feeling good and enjoying your time with hubbie. Enjoy the fireworks tonight...

July 4, 2005
11:39 pm
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(((((((((ef))))))))))
Enjoyed a nice cookput, ad tuned out the passive aggressive "Mom in law. for the most part... I made waaaay rtooo much food, which is what Im saying is why she wanted ot take her potato salad back ,and brought it up EIGHT times.... ((we kept it, ut after we got back from the fireworks she STILLLL brought up her friggin potato saladand how she wanted J to bring her what we thought we wouldnt eat to her tomorrow... a special trip out to her house to bring her F*$&%ing salad back. i swear if I didnt ignore her, I would have thrown the F ing stuff in her face.... apparently she really wanted it for herself and didnt want ot bring it at all.
It wouldnt have bothered me AT ALL, really, IF she werent ALWAYS moaning, groaning, and griping about proper etiquette, proper English and Proper everything.... when what she does 99.7% 0f the time is "Un couth"
Whatever , lady.
When we got home and got Jacob settleds in bed, i brought out the smallest rubbermade container i could find, andput the smallest spoonfull icould manage to put in there... brought it to J and said, "Here, bring this to your mom, and tell her that is all we werent going to eat!!"((said while laughing , ofcourse.))
She complainedfrom the moment she got out of the car...so i ignored most of her comments, but so obviouslty focused in on her ENDLESS potato salad comments.
My mom was rather tame otday, but she is CODA-Obsessing about this guy across the street fro mher, and thats ALLLLLLL she talked about. No matter what anyone was talking bout, it turned back to "Oh.. that reminds me of what Mike said...." etc and so on...
SOOOOOOooooooooooo, aside from the parental units, J, Jake ,and I had a blast together. Even TOddles. He ate a bowl of Fancy feast and had a bowl of water outside with us as well.This kittie is just toooooooo cute. he played wiht Jake and really enjoyed having company outside wiht him all afternoon.....
I think i am JUST realizing where my LOVE for kitties and pets came from and why ifocus on them.... because of my neurotic/Bi polar coda Mom... and now the balance of her with J's passive aggressive/always one upping/ jabbing mom, and hisfather who sits there and takes it......
Dont get me wrong... Toddy kittie is well worth all the love and adoration he gets, but I think I had a mini breakthrough in why animals are such a huge focus for me.
I like them more than most people.

Hnnnhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......
well thats something to think about, isnt it??!?!?!
oh well, I better gop do something instead of hiding in the office now that everyone has gone home, I can stop retreating into something else.
Jake and I are going t opaint the birdhouse that he and hisdad made in the morning... and We maaaay take him to mynew hair salon for a mohawk, and green Manic Panic.... Havent decided on how "baby mama will take it... so we may not do it, but he keeps asking me to do it for him, and I no longer have clippers here, so It'd be best to take him where I go. Theyre known for doing the "unconventional " and Jake loves what he calls "Music that rocks" and this place is a HUGE supporter of the heavier , better local bands around, the do not want a "salon to relax you," their web site specifically states "Music, and style to motivate" SO hed get a kick out of that place....
anywaaay..im headed back to my real life now, and going to bed.

Hope you and your little one had a great day!!!!!!!
(((((((((EF and Baby EF)))))))))))))
Love Ya'
AW

July 5, 2005
12:02 am
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LOL...Do I know this woman? Does your husband have a brother you didn't know about? If so, you and I may just be family, she sounds JUST like Grandma!

((((((AW))))))))))), thank you for that. I fiercely needed a laugh, and that sure did it...I can just picture you getting all gussied up in your sunday best to go a callin' with your tupperware under arm...'here you go, Mother J, thanks for all the salad!', and you sip iced tea under the gazebo in your summer hats and exchange yet more recipies...not that you would need to, she'll bring enough to have her baby boy and you bringing stuff back every holiday for the rest of your lives...It's just so THOUGHTFUL, you know?

Again, thanks. That was such a great story...and such a great attitude about it, I could never have kept my mouth shut this week if things where not so terrible outside of their presence (could they begin to imagine that I have an entire life? But at least it tells me that I am starting to care about myself and my pain without their validation, you know?).

So, I put some Lavender under my pillow to make me have sweet dreams, and wrote a nice little self affirmation on my mirror beforehand...of to sleep for me. THanks again, AW!

July 5, 2005
1:23 am
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btw, my earth daughters use 'hothead' or 'icers' colored gel, they rinse out easily, but leave a bit of a highlight...just a thought, they like 'red rage'.

Also, if he does go demi-permanant, you should see about something besides Manic-Panic, it really oozes...maybe you could do a real permanent in a semi-natural like blue black or intense red, or bright Burgandy?

July 5, 2005
10:21 am
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addicts wife
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LOLOL
The smallest tupperware container i have Is about a one inch by one inch container , like for salad dressings...
J laughed at me and said "Ya' knowwww...I really want ot let you od that, J, but you know it would makethings worse."
Hee hee heee.
I made (frozen) waffles for "the boys this morning, and Jakey got himself a cup of milk...adn about 15 minutes later I haerd him saying "Daaad... mystomach doesnt feel good..." and J was like well, what doesnt feel good... Does this happen every morning , or is this something now??"
and the next thing I hear is Jake saying "this is new BaaaaaaeeeeecchhhhhKKKKKKKK"
He threw up all over the living room rug, and tried ot run in the bathroom (where I was at the moment) and then he tried desperatly to make it to the kitchen sink, but of course the poor kid didnt make it and there was what looked like cottege cheese all over my cherry & checkered kitchen sink rug.
When i walked out of the bathroom the poor kid was COVERED in it, and I was knocked over by the smell, and hes standing there going " Hey Jenn, I threw up!!!"
I had to go back in the backroom, and almost fell because i grabbed the doorknob (which was covered with the "cottage cheese") because i was gagging and dry heaving,andtryingto start the shower so Jake could wash "it" off, but i was gagging so much J told me to go downstairs and sit on the porch for a few minutes.
LOLOLOL......
what an eventful family we are.
J is still mopping, andscrubbing and vacuuming. Poor guy.
When I first walked back up stairs he laughed,looked almost apologetic, and said "I dontthink youre ready to have a baby, hunny, becasue this happens ALLLL the time with babies, and they cant give you any warning,,,It just suddenly appears all over your back..."
I said "I know. I can hardly handle the litter box"
and I realized I was instantly reverting to my animal escape mechanism thing that i jjust realized that i do. so I sat down here ,and blockedout the aroma.
Jake is all spring fresh and showered and Im still in my PJs feeling Like anna nicole squeezing into her skinny clothes before Trimspa.
Uggghhhh.
I feel awful for Jake. I checked the milk, and the butter, andboth are fine...so Imnot sure what it was......
Im thinking it was the POTATO SALAD he ate last night!!!
ROFL LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

July 5, 2005
2:27 pm
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I was thinking....
Where U @?????
[email protected] tryingto find a chat we can find on spiritual matters to discuss things where we wont offend anyone here...still searching... will be back...

July 5, 2005
2:41 pm
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I found Paganforum dotcommy name there starts with AW... maybe we could find some interesting things there, I am wary of cyber troll there though, but we could always just leave and nevergo back.
🙂

July 5, 2005
4:45 pm
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Hmmm... when i went back, it wouldnt let me get on.. so I am suspicious.. I'll keep searching....

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