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Assertiveness - whats the difference in these 3 questions?
May 21, 2006
10:45 pm
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Thanks alicat, I'd read your post and tried to instill me in what you say, finding someone with the same values. I just hope I am ready for them. I dont want to believe they're too good for me. Thats when low self-esteem strikes.

But if i focus on feeling good myself, I can do it.

The problem is, how do I know what my values are? How do I know what I want? In low self-esteem, its hard to know. Its just like me and just like this girl. She told me on friday that, she doesnt know what she wants in life.

Niether do I, maybe. I do when I'm feeling good about myself.

I tried reading that 6 pillars book and am feeling a little better right now. I dont know what'll happen tomorrow. I know the more I forget about her, the better I'll be and I can focus on other available girls.

I realize what I should have done long ago. When I had seen her checking out a married office buddy by lusty infatuated glances, I should have asked her that it seems like she liked him - I should have made a decision THEN to not see her, because if she could do that to a married guy, she could do it to anyone and make me feel uncomfy.

I realized this an hour ago while I was feeling "strong". That would have showed her she couldnt mess with me. Instead, I kept giving in and saying "yes" all the time, never confronting. I should have stayed strong which is always the best option.

lets see how long my strong spell lasts now. Its not fully strong too, just 40% of what i'd like, but its better than nothing.

Have to really focus on a job search.. the big problem.

May 23, 2006
7:13 pm
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the key is to make a list of what is important to you - WITHOUT a girl in mind....

in other words - don't think about this girl when you make your list of values.

cuz if you do, you will make the list around HER values, not yours.

Is loyalty, commitment, honesty and trust important? and can you offer that to your partner and expect it return? then that's your value.

Is hard work, career minded, goal oriented your type? or do you want a stay at home, be a mommy type?

Do you want someone you can communicate with?

Do you want someone that drinks all the time, once a week or not at all?

Do you want someone that smokes?

Do you want someone that has never finished high school? college? masters degree?

These are all values of the person that would be idea for you.

Values - do you want someone that would steal or would give someone a shirt off their own back, do you want someone who is honest or dishonest, do you want someone who does drugs or doesn't do drugs, do you want someone that eats healthy or is eating habits unimportant, do you want a woman who wants to home school kids, or a woman who wants to ship kids off to boarding school, do you want a materialistic person or someone who totally goes against society's materialism.

These are all things that most of us have a good idea of what we would be compatible with....cuz we know what kind of person WE are and what kind of person WE WANT to be....so we have to find the same in a partner.

When we sacrifice our own requirements, we end up with people who will hurt us, cuz we will never be happy with them, and always unhappy or ever trying to change them to be what we need....or convincing ourselves that it's good enough.

Low self esteem has nothing to do with figuring out our values....but low self esteem will keep us from choosing a partner that is good for us.....

May 24, 2006
11:06 am
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alicat I cant figure out what I want unless I'm sure of my own values. I just want to be happy. I know I should be stronger and when I can do that.

By the way I sent her another email asking if she wanted to be friends with benefits - looks like thats what she would have loved too. I could have gone for that if I knew it wouldnt work in any other way. Then I sent her another email with a picture of a hottie I'm talking to nowdays, saying, since we cant be together, she might as well be my match maker.

I say low self-esteem does make it hard for me to figure out my values because I'm unsure about stuff, you know. But actually I do know all those questions you asked and what I want. I just feel I wont be able to find someone like that, or if I do I fear failure. Its the fear of failure that gets me down. Now I'm talking to another cutie in New york and she seems a happy peaceful person. Her face reflects that calm, but can I do it? Thats the big Q.

I want someone who's an athiest, intelligent, pretty, honest, truthful, communicative. Nationality doesnt matter but the point is yea, my doubt that she'll accept me totally, that doubt kills it. Anyway, gotta keep moving I guess.

Feeling a little groggy cause of the sleep again.

I dont want to bug you with these replies, but well.. atleast I'm trying to stop myself from emotionally connecting with this other girl, hard as it is for me. A bigger part of me believes now that it wont work.

I feel the peace sometimes but will my next relationship work, I dont know.

May 24, 2006
8:09 pm
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Guest,

You MUST believe that you deserve that and WILL find it.

Don't be impatient.

I'm the one with the ticking biological clock...but I know that when it's meant to be, it will be.

I started thinking about what I want...and realized how LITTLE I was getting...I will NOT make that mistake EVER again.

In fact, I got hit on today, and totally blew it off, tho he was cute, I could read his "eyes" and I knew there was no point in pursuing anything....was nice to be noticed tho.

May 24, 2006
8:27 pm
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I know, I have to believe in it. Its hard to be patient! I'll try to keep my calm, thats the secret.

This cute guy, he gave you the lusty look? Why'd he scare you away?

You said in the other thread that nasty guy looked you up and down huh. You might rmemeber me telling about this married guy "A" looking up and down that girl. Then SHE stares at him in a business meeting as if she's ready to .. gosh (cant even say, shit heh). Later this guy and his friend and her meet up in another meeting and his friend remarks something about her being like a prostitute. What does that say about "A" - the kind of company he keeps. THEN she goes and has beer with this same married guy, while they're alone in the office. Later I ask about it and she says "He didnt try anything".

This girl is messed up. I sent her the worst emails today. Last time we met I told her she likes a lot of guys. She said "Are you saying I'm a slut?" - I couldnt say Yes, but she knows what I think of her. I told her many times she's unfaithful, so yea I guess, she knows what I think of her.

I'm trying to push her away now so she doesnt contact me. I want her to be disgusted and never contact me.

May 24, 2006
9:23 pm
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first - the guy didn't scare me away, but he didn't attract me either....he looked young, and a tad bit of a space cadet....just not someone worth my time.

the other guy...was NASTY - dirty, big beer belly, unshaven, long nasty hair, ugly beat up van, and drooling, food or something on his face...just nasty...he asked me if he could borrow my ATM card....then made some joke about my mom's car...was just BAD.

as far as you and the girl go.

I think there is NO BETTER way to get a message across that you are not interested than to NOT contact them.

No need to tell her - silence is a DEADLY weapon - it will hurt her more than your emails.

You can't end contact if you are continuing to contact her....if that makes sense.

It doesn't end until someone ends it, and it sounds like you want HER to end it...and she won't...so instead, YOU WILL HAVE to stop - and you don't need to give her warning - just do it.

the game ends when one person walks away (I should be paying attention to my own damn advice)

May 24, 2006
10:45 pm
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hehe.. yea, follwo your own advice, but you're OK. You're stronger than me, much more grounded, it shows up in your posts so you'll be OK.

Well, yea, I sent those nasty emails and I'm talking to these hot girls so lets see how things go. I have almost no romantic feelings for this girl now, atleast not right now. I have these other two I can focus my energy on. My intentions are pure and I want a loving lasting joyful relationship.

Beer belly huh, gosh, people can be so nasty. Amazing that they dont even know. They could try their techniques on goats or animals I guess, but it doesnt work for humans.

I dont know what reply I'll get from her. I guess I dont care. Soemtimes it makes me sad, what I'll say will make her depression worst but I had to say what was on my mind so she knows exactly what I think of the situation. I dont want her to feel horrible because of me, at the same time I want her to know what I think of her.

May 25, 2006
1:03 pm
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Geez What a question I had to think on this one.
1:If you have to ask dont want it

2: if you have to ask dont want it

3: if you have to ask dont want it.

Spontanoius is much wilder and passionate in my book. Even if your married.My man and I have our problems but all we have to do somtimes is look at each other.

May 25, 2006
4:51 pm
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mamac -

I think guests assumption is that you aren't in a committed relationship, and you want to know if someone you are casually dating is interested.

I think the reality is, that it's hard to know "how" to ask, or what to expect in those kinds of situations......but if you can handle NO EXPECTATIONS, then you can be okay....but if the other person has expectations, it could mean trouble.....before you jump into bed with anyone, it's best to know how they feel about making love to people.....or having sex.....most will tell you outright.

I miss my snuggle time....toys with batteries are great, but I miss the hands on touch and the snuggle time....sigh....

May 25, 2006
5:36 pm
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Thats right, I should have mentioned in the original post. Its not a committed relationship, but even this guy, her BF would ask her this in the same way #1 but I think when we're committed we can do whatever we want, 1 2 or 3 or just a nudge and say anything.

May 25, 2006
6:16 pm
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I miss snuggle time too 🙁 sniff. But in my case the problem is, do I FEEL entitled to it? I want it for sure. Dr Nathan said something like "there's no greater barrier to romantic love than the feeling that we dont deserve it".

See this total hottie wants to talk to me, I'm kind of scared - well maybe cause I'm in a bad mood right now. I feel I might better later and then I'm gonna send her an email. heh. Atleast I have those good moods and atleast its not total down time.

May 25, 2006
9:21 pm
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Yea I understand it isnt comitted yet. I guess I feel even if your not in a relationship. Even if im just hanging out with the person or whatever, they need to be able to read the signs. I am just one of those people who hates to be asked I guess, no offence to anyone else.

May 25, 2006
9:29 pm
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I know, you're right. This girl asked me in the beginning if I was spontanoeus. The "signs" is the right idea. I just subdue myself too much, afraid to act and be myself. ahh.

May 25, 2006
9:37 pm
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The better I get to know somone the easier it is to be myself. It is a trust thing I guess, or lack there of.

May 25, 2006
9:43 pm
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I think I got a limiting belief "Its not safe to be myself". Maybe gonna try the Callahan technique to increase the believability (I saw a video on it today)

May 25, 2006
9:50 pm
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mamac-now i am just the opposite. i dont read innuendos too well. i would rather just be asked or some one say how they feel. Each to his/her own i suppose.....i know my friends tell me men flirt with me sometimes and it goes right over my head.......dont know why.......and they(good friends they are ;)) sit there and laugh cause they know i dont have a clue....

May 26, 2006
7:46 pm
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guppy makes a good point - some people just don't read the signals...while others read TOO much into signals.

I think that overall, if you like someone, and they like you, and you are on a date - doing things like holding hands, trying to sit close together, perhaps kissing - typically gives good signals you are interested, and if they give the same back - then you know.

Then, the kissing can lead to more, and eventually lead to a roll in the hay.

that's how it usually works for me.

I would feel "cheap" if someone said "wanna screw me?"....but then again, I take sex as something more meaningful than a recreational activity with no attachments.

May 27, 2006
8:23 am
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me too, I'm like a girl, it feels dirty to me to see the sex act as an act. If I was like a guy, I'd be having sex with that girl, but thats ok. Its not my value, as you say.

I see the signals but 10 minutes after the interaction ends and then I'm like.. oh gosh.. she was coming on to me and i ignored it. Anyway. I learnt yesterday that if I'm feeling displeasure in any way, it makes me more attractive to show that in public and it also solves my social anxiety. Interesting huh.. will keep trying this.

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