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Assembling a motorcycle from memory
October 13, 2004
2:17 pm
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silence
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Agnostic for life. And I'm surrounded by contented christians that don't understand why I can't have faith.

October 13, 2004
2:33 pm
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welcome to my world. /snark

i was raised catholic and had strange inexplicable experiences with the divine when i was little, but to be honest i always felt that even if there were a god, and man is made in the image of god, wouldn't that mean that god, by definition, is flawed? Cause we sure are.

The shakyamuni buddha spoke of Brahman (we could call this concept "god"), but indicated that all gods are subject to the cycle of birth and death (samsara), they just have interminably longer lifespans and are operating under the false assumption that the world only exists when they exist.

but to question reality takes a lot of mental energy. some people just don't wanna. or they're scared to death.

October 13, 2004
3:15 pm
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I wish you guys played video games. I've had some deep theistic discussions on the Gamefaqs message board for Xenogears. That's a game that dealt heavily in religion as a system of belief and control over the population.

October 13, 2004
5:11 pm
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Hi everyone,

Twinks, what makes you feel like you "don't really 'fit in' on the support threads?" I like your posts and insights there. šŸ™‚

I was also raised Catholic but...hmm, how do I put this? I do experience difficulties within some of the religious beliefs held by most practicing Catholics. I simply don't agree with some and I question others. I'm always open to learning about other individuals' religious practices and belief systems.

twinks and silence, I respect your views and opinions and don't think any differently of either of you, that doesn't change the people that you are in my eyes.

Cici, funny that you asked that question - if "man is made in the image of god, wouldn't that mean that god, by definition, is flawed?" I had asked our priest almost that exact question when I was in confirmation class and you know what his answer was? Well, he said, when we are created from God's own image, that is when we are most like Him; it is only after we're actually born that we then have 'original sin' THAT is when we, as humans, become flawed and imperfect... Something to that effect.

um Silence? I've actually never met any "contented christians" lol You mean there are some? Most I know are conflicted christians. šŸ˜‰

lam

October 13, 2004
6:48 pm
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my older sister is actually a born-again *catholic* if you can imagine that....she acts like she's contented but I know it's all a big scam to get free daycare. just kidding. although it is kind of ruthlessly utilitarian to be part of a church community - it's almost like having a really great insurance policy that covers every bad thing that could ever happen and the benefits include free food. Like if anything bad happens the church people will help you out.

all that aside, I was watching an episode of Dr. Katz (I love that show, I am downloading all the old episodes)....one comedian said, most people believe in god "just in case" - like they don't want to die and end up all sheepish and go "whoops, my bad".

I used to have nightmares that the devil was in my bedroom and night waiting to suck my soul out of my eyeballs.

October 13, 2004
7:27 pm
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Twinks?

October 14, 2004
5:51 pm
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Twinks.

Yep, that's my label.

But where is the 'real' Tez to be found - in the everchanging constituent body parts or in the mind's imagination?

October 14, 2004
10:26 pm
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Hi twinks, how's it going? Tez, hello! miss you guys.....

The god thing.....has been going on for milenia in one way or another and my thought is, why do people think their way is the way? I recently addressed a bias question in my class for school. I said, "...small minded people who buy into the writings of humans under the guise of a god and twist the meanings to suit their own needs, peaceful or warlike."

Well, I offended a Christian. This person was offended because I was referring to the bias they embrace and consider a tool for fighting whatever is the sinful behavior of the day. In this case, homosexuality. They said this is not true and I said what about the Crusade wars and what about the constant wars in Isreal etc etc etc....

The point to me about life is learning to accept all. Releasing connections to, judgements of and standing up for.

I go occasionally to an interfaith church. I love the blending and the celebration of every stinkin holiday pagan to wiccan but, there is a political group here always asking for money or condeming another faction for this or that and making decisions for the church that in their opinion, is best. Makes me laugh, sounds Catholic, or Christian or Jewish.....organized religion.

The basics of what Jesus espoused have been so twisted and convoluted that I doubt he would even recognize the words. Words that were meant to satisfy the people of that day BTW.

Many are quick to accept the opinions of others without exploring other viewpoints and this is foolish. To think critically and openly is using the brain we have in its best possible way.

A few cents worth.

October 21, 2004
8:06 pm
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Twinks.

I don't like giving 'lessons'. Given my very limited understanding of the circumstances as described in your short paragraph above, I prefer to recount what think I would do on one of my better days.

If I felt "sick" and at the same time thought that I needed to be "strong" I would reflect upon the thoughts and beliefs within me that were triggering the emotional response of fear;I am presuming that you felt 'sick with fear'.

I would reflect upon what I thought being 'strong' meant in terms of my thoughts, emotions and intentions as well as my behavior.

I would try to identify both the 'threat' and the 'threatened' within or about me that I perceived to be under attack. That perceived 'threat' would be a valuable signpost to a hell of a lot more going on inside my psyche to which I need insight and for which I need to feel compassion.

I would view his "sheer hatred and loathing", as I might have perceived in his eyes, as a stimulus that triggered the emotional response in me and nothing more. Realizing that sorting his mental problems out is beyond either my capability or my responsibility, I would let go of all thoughts of 'right', 'wrong' and injustice concerning his feeling as he does. I would tell myself that:"He and what he feels ain't my problem - but my emotional response to him is my problem". I would focus on that.

Alternatively, on one of my better days, I might relegate the whole issue to the 'too hard bin' of 'past and future' and focus on the 'here and now' of living in the moment. Instead of dwelling both in the past and in the future, therein trying to build mental 'forts' to protect the illusory 'I' that seeks to find a refuge within, I might just 'smell the roses' and 'taste the coffee'. What a wonderful world it is in which we momentarily dwell.

October 22, 2004
3:50 pm
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Twinks long time!!!! Yo, I can see you are feeling better. Nothing like gettingout from under a narcissist!!!

Man do I remember those glaring looks. How dare you try to be your own person? God, it is so nice to be removed now if only I could keep it in the past where it belongs!

How are your roses today? Any new smells abounding through your garden of lighter experiences?

Tez, Hey I miss you too. I would love to meet the two of you at Starbucks sometimes and chat the day away! Or maybe a botanical garden somewhere! What do ya say? You have the imagination for it?

October 22, 2004
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Twinks.

"You used the words 'on one of my better days' in both instances up above, Tez. A freudian slip perchance, or a prime example of wishful thinking? Or are they one and the same?"

No, not a Freudian slip - in fact I re-read and edited my response adding both instances.

Like all people on this planet who have not 'gone beyond', I have days when 'enlightenment' seems to be at my finger tips. On such days my sense of 'I-ness' seems vague and almost totally irrelevant. Yet my focus on what I am doing is so clear and insightful. This would be one of my best days.

I also have shocking days of preoccupation with self. On such fear driven days, 'enlightenment' seems 10,000 life times away. All I want to do is lash out at any real or imagined aggressor or protagonist - mostly imagined. Of course this is a primitive fear response.

From your response, it seems to me that we have different understandings of the word 'fear'. When I use the word 'fear' I use it in a very generic sense. For example, mild anxiety, dissatisfactions of any kind, jealousy, envy, outright hatred, blind rage, enmity, etc while different in their manifestations are all underpinned by differing levels of fear that is stimulated by many different kinds of perceived threats.

In regard to our wellbeing, our species, like most, differentiate between what is perceived to be enhancing, degrading and neutral.

That which is perceived as not enhancing our wellbeing, produces a fear response at some level at an intensity that is comensurate with the perceived degree of diminishment of our wellbeing.

If the level of diminishment is very low our fear arousal state might not even be of high enough intensity to break through from our unconscious into our conscious awareness. If it just breaks through, it may be experienced as mild emotional discomfort; that is, low level background anxiety.

Whatever the nature or level of fear arousal, it disrupts our feeling of wellbeing. Few of us like this.

The way out of this discomfort, dissatisfaction, anger, rage, or whatever level that fear is being experienced, is to see and understand the nature of fear and what causes it.

This is what I understood you to be asking when you said: "... give me a way?"

If you were asking me to tell you how to change others responses to you and the world that you perceive around you, I can only say that the world around you is a projection of your own mind. Change your perceptions and you will change the world that you see.

For example, you might choose to see your ex as a bastard who didn't love you and just conned you to get what he wanted from you to meet his needs. Or you might choose to perceive him as a hopelessly lost human being who has no insight into himself and who is suffering greatly as a result.

Which of these two - from the many possible ways of seeing him - do you think will enhance your feelings of wellbeing; or if neither is enhancing then which will diminish them less?

Or you might choose not to focus on him at all but choose to look at why you need him to have loved you at all. You might choose to look at why the thought that he never loved you produces the fear response underpinning your words: "I think now, having reflected, that it comes from the realisation that perhaps that is how he has always thought of me, subconsciously, while pretending to love, and that is hard to deal with. I have the same slightly sick feeling now, just from writing this."

Whether we know it or not, we, instant by instant, consciously or unconsciously 'manufacture' our perceptions of the world in which we live. Many instances in Auschwitz Nazi prison camps amply demonstrate the truth of this statement. Since we do the 'manufacturing' we can, with insight, gain the freedom to choose what we 'manufacture'.

October 22, 2004
9:00 pm
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Workinonit.

You said:

"Tez, Hey I miss you too. I would love to meet the two of you at Starbucks sometimes and chat the day away! Or maybe a botanical garden somewhere! What do ya say? You have the imagination for it?"

It would be interesting but sadly not possible, given my present commitments. I'm trying to fire up a million dollar deal, of which the tax office will get a sizeable chunk, and I live in Oz remember. šŸ™‚

If only I didn't have to eat, live under a roof, maintain a westernized life style, riding a motorcycle, driving a motor car, using a flushing loo, maintaining two computers, a fridge, a washing machine, a dryer, a DVD, a TV set, a property with a home on it, on and on ... What I own, owns me. I'm a slave; don't you feel sorry for me? šŸ™‚

Oh, poor me if only I had nothing and was free to hitch hike around the world to Starbucks or wherever. But then I would become a Buddhist monk and only smile at such a request. šŸ™‚

October 22, 2004
10:50 pm
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Well Tez, unfortunately, at the moment, I am overwhelmed with responsibility. I am sad to not have anyone else with whom I can share my feelings. These are the times i wish I had a significant other but, I am not ready. I am too needy for that. I will have to wait until the neediness is gone and then maybe...

Oh damn, I am crying now.

October 24, 2004
1:44 pm
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Hey you two, how are you all today? I am recovering from a noght with eight 11 year old girls sleeping over!! It was actually very much fun. These girls are terrific and it really gives you insight into thew early dynamics present in a childs life.

I am going through changes everyday. Well, I probably was before but I have been so much more aware of the changes the last few months. The move from "just sex" to dating as awakened many things. Reading my own reactions has been enlightening and the synchronicity of related experiences causing me to realise a different perspective is uncanny!!! Gives me a feeling of oneness with a cosmic energy that governs it all!

I've started writing again. Well, I always journaled but I am starting to write a story. It models my experiences but the fictionalizing helps me step outside of it and explore the perspectives and possibilities. Fun and introspective but that's me!

Ok, that was my update. Twinks, I hope you are still doing better but expect the roller coaster right now.

Tez, hope you too are well and getting abundantly comfortable with your new venture!

October 26, 2004
7:34 pm
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Workinonit.

"Tez, hope you too are well and getting abundantly comfortable with your new venture! "

Thanks ... I would rather dance than work but I've gotta eat, I guess. šŸ™‚

October 27, 2004
1:33 pm
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Well, I would rather dance too but you are taken!

Oh that's not fair. I'll find a partner too and you and yours can meet me and mine under the lunar eclipse tonight! Be there for your time zone and I'll be there for mine. 10:30 PM Eastern.

Date?

October 27, 2004
5:58 pm
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Workinonit.
Yep!!

October 28, 2004
1:20 pm
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workinonit
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Well Tez, did you make it?

We were out early but my date and I got distracted....sorry.

It was so darn cloudy in southeatern PA. This same exact scenario happened a few years back during lunar eclipse!

Let's try it again on November 17 for the meteor shower! Unless you're too far away?

October 28, 2004
7:13 pm
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Workinonit.

OK.

October 28, 2004
9:27 pm
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Ok what Tez?

October 29, 2004
3:31 pm
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workinonit
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Fear either motivates or stagnates.

I have done both. Now I am embracing the fear because I have discovered you cannot even touch it! How can I struggle with something so nebulous and elusive? When the tide comes crashing in again I know now that it will go out again in fact, when I am at my best I can talk myself out of it!

I take the worst possible scenario and decide if I can live with it. What do I have to loose anyway? It all boils down to nothing, literally.

So twinks, he made a fool of you essentially. Pisses you off or immobilizes you? I've been both places but didn't really understand until I took responsibility for MY actions. The knowing in the back of my mind that would have come forward had I let it. The decisions I felt I was not trong enough to make (bull shit) The years I was living with fear as my companion, drawn to it's never-ending drama.

I was tired of thinking I should be sometrhing I was not. I was tired of feeling something was wrong with me! Isn't there essentially something wrong with everyone? We would not be here on this planet if we were perfect!

So, let's learn and grow and accept that we are what we are. (I am that I am) Let's explore the inner depths that, unless stirred up now and then, stagnate and grow ugly festering layers of guilt, anger, sadness and resentment.

Come on twinks, I'll go with you!

October 29, 2004
7:25 pm
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Workinonit.

You said:

"Let's try it again on November 17 for the meteor shower!"

I said:

"OK"

October 29, 2004
7:56 pm
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Twinks?

You said:

"Is it ok, Tez, if I reserve my compassion for those who have gained some insight into themselves, and have gone some way to making reparation?"

Would you not feel compassion for the inmate of an insane assylum who is totally unrepentant for the infanticide that she committed, yet cannot see her own delusions for what they are?

Perhaps with the exception of the highly advanced masters, we are all 'insane', myself and your ex included, only the degree differs.

All of suffering humanity deserves compassion even as we do. Only our lack of understanding of the nature of things prevents us from automatically being compassionate.

If we knew all, we would love all. That is the nature of the Omniscient - the Tathagata. Only our ignorance 'separates' us from the 'What Is'. Losing our delusions is the key. But we must do it for ourselves. Others, that have 'gone beyond' before us, can only point the way.

Oh ... and it is not a case of do good now and be rewarded later by some merchant god in the sky. Re-asserting our true compassionate nature brings with it its own reward, in the here and now.

Removing the 'dust' from the 'mirror' will allow us to see our true nature and to know who and what we really are.

Words, words - all infinitely inadequate.

October 31, 2004
8:25 pm
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Twinks.

You said:

"Tez 96}"

Having had a misspent youth, that sounds like a very interesting proposition, involving somewhat dubious body positioning. šŸ™‚

And:

"Don't extract the michael, old man."

I'm not sure what to make of this statement. Again from my youthful recollections, "michael" was a slang pseudonym used in place of the word 'vagina'. However "extracting" that body part would seem to negate its usefulness in every way.

Do you mean 'taking the piss out of'? If so, then the wine has indeed clouded your judgement.

As for "old man" part of your statement, speaking relatively, I guess that is beyond dispute. Hoewever, on the other hand, it could just be a pommie expression of friendliness.

October 31, 2004
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Tez, OK

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