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Are most truly sexy women unfaithful?
December 17, 2005
10:01 pm
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hehe that makes it even more exciting. Maybe it is, maybe not, I'll find out. Maybe I'll be out of there soon, I dont know what'll happen in the future. Hmm if its a mistake, I will learn from it. I'll tell myself I have 2 more tries before I'm even with Tez :)). Or will I be wiser and learn from what you told me.. time will tell.

December 18, 2005
9:00 pm
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If you should be so lucky as I was to survive the experience!! Many do not - they suck on loaded shotgun barrels.

Best of luck, matey!

December 20, 2005
11:09 pm
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Tez -

When I said: "From this rationale, I would think that the friend you described long ago in the very first entry has a "sexy woman template disorder" that stems from the deep grief of losing his wife.... "

You said: "You could very well have hit the nail on the head. You might be right...I'm not sure that he would agree that he had a 'disorder'."

I think it is possible that it is a disorder because it is a new development that has occurred after his wife's death.

Then you said: "I cannot ask him now. We have had a 'falling out' and our relationship is on a purely business basis now. Honesy is not one of his strong points, I'm afraid."

Denial is a strong drug. Dishonesty is merely a symptom of his condition. He is deeply grieving. If he is a "typical bloke," he will never ever tell you this.

Then I said: "I suppose it depends on the matching personality template that gives one stars in their eyes and butterflies in their stomach...and her being faithful or not has nothing whatever to do with what she looks like."

You agreed: "Yes ... this is my belief also. If the 'template' formed in a son by having had a deceitful, dishonest, unfaithful superficial mother, then, in my opinion, this son would probably unconsciously be attracted to this kind of woman. Thus in his experience all women that he found attractive and with whom he formed a relationship would tend to be of the superficial,unfaithful kind. "

I think in this case, his mother has nothing to do with this change in him. He simply doesn't know how to go on without his late wife. His "coping mechanism" is an occasional and complete split with reality. These splits are sporadic and make him appear deceitful and dishonest. He is just deeply in pain and has no release. Meeting his needs has now become really tricky business. He has to lie to cover up the things that aren't making any sense anymore and that are too painful to look at.

Tez, you said: "In my friend's experience, his wife appears to have been very faithful. I have no idea about his mother. I don't know what his 'template' is like. All the women that he has had - and he has had many that he considers beautiful - seemed to my knowledge to have been faithful to him.

He has an above average aversion to unfaithful women. Perhaps he simply focuses on beautiful women who are unfaithful, neglecting to even notice the rest. This behavior is called overgeneralization in the psych world."

The fact that he had a strong marriage before these episodes tells me that he is so badly in need of some help with adjusting to his new reality (even if it has been several years since her death). He has not found his Ordinary World again and he is sailing through the air with no tether to the ground.

I, myself, know this feeling well.

You make plans and save and scrimp and get the kids through college and have some really good laughs along the way. The camping trips and visits to the Lake District. The sunburns on the beach at Tenby. The picnic baskets. You do all of this with your brood until you finally get to a place where you can be two again like you were in college and you feel the renewal of your love after decades of nappies and arguments with teenagers.

Then he dies.

You cannot bear to see the picnic basket or the bikes or the flowers you planted together.

You sometimes become this crazy hungry person that no one understands.

Your friends back away. They are still couples. They are grieving, too, because they loved your mate. They can't bear to see you alone. Without him. Just as you cannot.

Many men of my vintage and younger find me very sexy and yet I am very faithful. I am still faithful to a man whose ashes blow in the wind. A wind that literally sucks the air out of me sometimes.

December 22, 2005
3:27 am
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Scrumptious

On the 20-Dec-05 you said:

"Denial is a strong drug. Dishonesty is merely a symptom of his condition. He is deeply grieving. If he is a "typical bloke," he will never ever tell you this. "

He is certainly is grieving deep down and always will I suspect. That's a problem when a loved one dies in the height of a relationship. In his case time didn't have a chance to bring about the changes in a marriage that so often lead to divorce. He is certainly 'into dishonesty' as a way of living - of that there is no doubt in my mind. I've seen too much of his wheeling and dealing in business and in his many relationships (perhaps 100s he doesn't know how many).

You said:

"He is just deeply in pain and has no release. Meeting his needs has now become really tricky business. He has to lie to cover up the things that aren't making any sense anymore and that are too painful to look at."

It could be so - I have no way of ever knowing this either way for sure. I never knew the guy before his wife died. Now I am in a strictly business relationship with him. The validity of a diagnosis such as yours would be unverifiable outside of a therapeutic relationship, I suspect. I'm afraid that therapy will never happen between him and I - no way, no how.

You said:

"Many men of my vintage and younger find me very sexy and yet I am very faithful. I am still faithful to a man whose ashes blow in the wind. A wind that literally sucks the air out of me sometimes."

Do you think that your long term faithfulness to him after his passing is what he would have really wanted from you?

Or would your loved one have wanted you to eventually meet a really nice guy, settle down in a loving relationship and just to keep a small corner of your heart in which the memory of your past love can dwell forever.

I remember reading how Dr. Viktor Frankl survived years in Auschwitz and another Nazi camp just because he 'talked to his beloved, supportive, encouraging wife' all the time he was suffering dreadfully in the camps. It gave him the will to live when many other stronger men gave up and died. Little did he know that his wife had died horribly in a gas chamber immediately after their imprisonment.

Upon his release Frankl was further devastated to learn of his wife's death years before. He had to find meaning in his suffering and agonizing grief. He chose the meaning that he was doing the suffering in place of her rather than as it would have been had the tables been turned around the other way and she survived instead of him. That 'meaning' for his suffering somehow comforted him. He focussed upon his love for her rather than his loss. It eased his suffering because he found meaning in his grief.

Have you found any 'meaning' in your own grieving that affords you some modecum of comfort?

December 22, 2005
8:36 pm
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Tez -
You leave me speechless.
There is a lot to think about here. My head is aching.
Sorry this isn't longer,
Scrumptious

December 23, 2005
9:51 pm
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Scrumptious

On the 22-Dec-05 you said:

"Sorry this isn't longer, Scrumptious"

No worries - whatever is, is. I have no probs with that at all.

The ball's in your court. You can play it or leave it at your whim. I will accept whatever you decide to do.

'Ave a great Christmas.

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