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Any one heard from Cici ?
May 27, 2004
9:35 pm
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Molly
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come out come out where ever you are !!!!

June 2, 2004
11:51 am
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Cici
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I'm here. Still on my journey to whatever expressions of wholeness my being seeks. Trying to remind myself that the identity I cling to is really a set of decisions I made about how to cope with life when I was a child. Ah, well. Sometimes it seems hopeless.

June 2, 2004
9:58 pm
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Molly
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Hopeless or hopefull? As long as you keep trying, that is the key, the rest is just a joke.............
Hell Cici, I have let go of every thing, what I don't blame on social evolution, I blame on what the hell is fact? We only know what we know and learn, and who the hell has the truth ? I know that karma is a daily thing, if I fall down drunk today, I will hurt tomorrow. I get up, deal with it, and go foreward. I have found that it is that simple. I hope that you too can find simplicity........

June 2, 2004
11:17 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Cici, can you tell me more about the childhood thing, how it shapes us, etc? Really wanting to understand this.....thank you.

June 3, 2004
8:57 am
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Cici
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You have all these senses to take in external information. As a child, it's a jumble. You're still trying to make sense of basic sensory experience. Babies mouthing their toes and all that stuff. It's natural to identify your emotional state with that of your primary caretaker. How they feel, you feel. Mommy cries, baby cries. That kind of thing.

Now, in an emotionally chaotic and/or emotionally distant environment, the reaching out for behavioral cues are met with distorted relays of information.

You just choose a set of behaviors to cope with that environment at that time. But as you grow and get older, you don't think to try to change those deeply engrained behavioral reactions and they become - "who you are". In the West especially there is a strange clinging to the concept of spirit, as if the broken psyche that the world forges is the sacred being that moves on in death, rather than a deeper, more sacred being - the one that we fail to acknowledge, usually.

If you've ever gotten into an argument with a lover who said "Well you knew how I was when we got together so why are you bitching now?" you know that concept. There is no such thing as an unalterable behavior. Identity is merely a set of behavioral charactaristics. Therefore, Identity itself is malleable and alterable. And the lover's statement is inherently false and self-deceptive - it's a choice to act and react in a certain way.

Ron Kurtz, who developed the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy movement, also known as the Hakomi Method of therapeutic intervention, said, "IF you're out of balance, with any sensitivity, strong experiences overwhelm you. In therapy, as sensitivity increases, whatever imbalances we have tip our processes into diversion or emotional chaos. From dealing honestly and courageously with that chaos, we learn to recover our balance. We improve our abilities to stay clear and upright and graceful, under even the gross burden of what in the long run, is simply, the human condition."

June 3, 2004
8:06 pm
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Molly
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"from dealing honestly and courageously with that chaos, we learn to recover our balance. We improve our abilities to stay clear and upright and graceful, under even the gross burden of what in the long run, is simply the human condition." For 16 years my mantra was for every action there is a reaction. It was a horrific experience, until I made a radical reaction. You know the history of my lessons with this person. Shortly after, realizing I was broke, barely enough to live on, I broke my right arm. I learned quickly to not ask what next, as the dog got hit by a car, It was a year of dealing honestly and with courage to chaos. I had no netting below me, I had to keep moving foreward.I had no choice, no one to blame, no where to go, I had to make peace with my human condition. I had gained a false sense of confidence building through my 30 something years that made me think I had it together. From 30 something to 40 something, my confidence was handed over to another, but not with out a fight that I always lost. I believe I regained it last November, when I turned 50. I am humble, I have boundry lines, like never before, I shrug what I can't controll, and take on what I can, my personal serenity. I wish I could show you how I got here. With out the time factor. I just know that life goes on, it is a choice to be confused, or to analyize, or to enjoy. I wish you could come to terms with your past and be in the moment, with out stuff.

June 4, 2004
12:16 pm
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Cici
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It's a long and arduous process. What pisses me off, much too much to be honest, is that I sometimes feel there are few people in this world who choose to face chaos honestly and courageously. Take my friend's grandparents - the crazy fundamentalist Baptists who actually believe there was no holocaust, that the world is FLAT, and that man never walked on the moon. They say it's all done in hollywood, as if it says that in the bible or something. It's ridiculous. Oh, yeah, and the world is only 6,000 years old (as the bible says), and all the dinosaur fossils are animals who didn't get on noah's ark.

Religion is the opiate of the masses, as Karl Marx said. Nowadays I'm starting to think that psychobabble is the opiate of the masses.

Anyways, I think, with what I deem heroic efforts to live in the moment (compared with those who choose with live by the clock), I have had certain blockages. I'll be skating along and something will hit me in the middle of my stomach like a ton of bricks. I've started to believe my seizures are emotionally related. I just supressed everything as a child - the worst, most horrific, most terrifying emotions. So, I have to backtrack and sort through everything now. Drain the wound, so to speak, because it's infected. That's where all this bitterness comes from.

Molly, why am I so very impatient with what I deem the shortcomings of others? I hate the victims, the saccharine sweeties who enable each other. It makes me physically ill. I need to just let go and allow them to be stupid on their own. Yuck.

June 4, 2004
9:54 pm
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Molly
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Your question is good , my dear cyberspace friend,and I have an answer, it takes practice, and perhaps, damn I hate this next sentence, but perhaps some maturity, oh, gag me.......... Did I really say that ? I learned that I own my power, I can give it to idiots, with my disgust, or I can let them learn their lessons, and hope that the gene pool stops with them, while letting it go, and I have learned to let that stuff go quick. I have my sarcasim, and my thoughts, which again, I might add time has taught me that I don't have to express my self out loud all the time, and let others know what I really think, when its not going to serve my best interest. Acceptance in a way, accepting what I want, and discounting what I don't want, or don't want to invest much energy in, is that more clear? I have come to learn my limitations, and celebrate what I can effect, and share my self with mostly only those that listen, and if they don't so be it, har har har, no personal attachment to the out come. My latest mantra has been, what ever, I don't have any personal attachment to the out come. I can't effect much more than my personal space, and even that is limited, but I am in controll. I can't change my past, my parents only my reaction to it. That was then, this is now, its all about me, and my interpretation of my reality TODAY. I send out love to those that I feel that have harmed me. Taught me wrong, or perhaps I even allowed to suck my power from me,there are power suckers in this world. and that is a lesson. I must admit there is a certain numbness that comes with this acceptance. It seems better to me than the roller coaster ride of emotional tugs. I am so much better in controll of my emotions, and in reflection can see where the reaction to action sent me astray. I do believe that psychobabble has been the opiate of the masses for the last decade, hmmmmmmmmm think self help, hear what I want to hear blame what I need to blame, or hide where I think its safe, oh, and lets not forget the md's that give out this or that for our moment of crisis, that have no regard for our future detox. I hear so many different things about seizures, could it be an electrical imbalance, chemical, with denial, or was it just caused by chemical experimentation? Is it possible that with your experimentation, that you are so totally out of whack, that you do need the pills, plus cognitive changes ? I don't know Cici, you do, you I am sure knows what will heal you. You have survived to this point, and I can in my holistic frame see a connection from the stomach to the brain disorders. What serves you? What are you willing to really work at to be where you want to be ??????????

June 7, 2004
1:19 pm
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Cici
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It's so hard to say because since my chemical dependencies have been supressed I now do that whole AA one-day-at-a-time thing (lacking of course the whole give yourself to God stuff - I meditate and all that, though). I wonder if I'll find myself one of the people I know who is extremely intelligent and working three or four minimum-wage jobs because they can't stand corporate life. Or the people.

I swear Molly, the biggest motivator I have is that I just don't want to be like them. Did you ever see They Live? stupid B-horror movie with a message. Or invasion of the body snatchers? I just don't want to be a drudge. I'll live on the outskirts of society without a penny to my name to avoid that.

June 7, 2004
8:03 pm
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Molly
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Lets not forget the new RErelease Stepford Wives!!!!!!!!!!!!! I work with Night of the living dead, not all of them, but in so many ways you see a little bit of them die each day . I think its a great goal. Its better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. I know from each one of my "failures" I learned something, mostly that was a bad idea, but from that you learn what you don't want to do. One day at a time is how I do it, hell to far into the future, or back in the past and I freak. You have to pace your self. Move at what your health today will allow you to do, and build on it. What happened to massage school ? That sure sounded like it made your heart flutter, you almost sounded excited about it.

June 9, 2004
4:29 pm
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Cici
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It was cultish. I think I might be happier about it once I get away from all the hippie rigamarole about knowing your chakra points or whatever. Like they try to be balanced and teach both scientifically and clinically and spiritually but the new age stuff really sticks in my craw sometimes.

It's also more difficult than I thought to rub on strangers every day. I didn't think it would be, but in all honesty it's brought up a lot of the issues from my rapes and stuff and it's not the funnest thing. The trauma is always there, it's important to learn how not to trigger it, and I've had two or three encounters with sick perverted middle aged or old men who tried to fondle me inappropriately.

Ugh. It's just made me a little less excited about the whole prospect.

February 15, 2005
3:26 pm
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Cici
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Words of wisdom from good ol' Molly.

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