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alice in wonderland - hope you don't mind me moving this here
July 23, 2008
9:18 pm


Just wanted to drop you a few lines and pick up from our exchange on Wizard's thread. Hope you are doing well tonight.

You last posted


We are here to help one another. Many days, I am down and out and someone here will post something and it helps me to redefine my mood or my take on a given situation. Weight is a very hard issue for me. Anyone whose read many of my posts knows that I have battled my body all my life. I have gone from one extreme to another and back again. My issues with my appearance (especially my body shape and size) are deeply rooted in my childhood, but it is only in the last year that I have learned that that was my childhood which was not in my control. I am now an adult and able to change my environment and myself for the better. It seems so simple in print, but the true change in me came not from the 42 pounds but from finally accepting myself just as I was. The weight loss was part of me learning that I deserve wonderful things. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside that many people have told me it also shows on the outside. I like that. It's like an advertisement for my progress. It is the thing about the past year that I am most proud. Oh yeah I wouldn't be humand if I didn't love walking into a room and people noticing me because of the weight loss and seeing the the boyfriend who dumped me for a skinny girl because he said he was embarassed to be seen in public with "someone my size" cringe when I enter a staff meeting. I hope that there is never a day when I stop growing or trying to be a better me and a better human being. We have the power to impact the world around us by just being ourselves and giving of ourselves freely and truly."

You are so in the place where I want to be! I want to have that kind of spiritual growth. When I was an 19 year old girl and obsessed thinking my 112 lb. body was "fat" I thought for sure by the time I was in my mid 20's or past that I would have "perfected" my figure through diet (starvation) and exercise and none of this stuff would bother me any more. Well, that was many moons ago, and I feel like the same adolescent with the same issues (different body)... when will it end? I don't feel like these are my values, the ones I impose on myself. Sometimes I look at myself and I think I look fine, just need to feel better and get in shape for that reason. But other times, I can't stop doing that awful comparing thing where everyone I see looks better than me. Well, in NYC where I live... it IS hard to be around some of the glamorama types all the time. They seem to be everywhere. A friend of mine had some guests from the midwest come visit and they said "Why is everyone in New York so underweight?" Funny.

Anyway, I am NOT underweight. But I want to watch my diet because I don't feel like I eat much. I also feel like I eat healthy foods so I need to go to a nurtritionist and see what is missing from my diet, and why I am so tired. Have you ever done that? I have been told to keep a food diary, and I'm just having trouble getting in the habit.

Anyway, my problem stems from childhood just like you said yours does. Most everyone in my family is quite shallow, and they judged each other and others that way and I think I allowed THEIR standards to shape the way I judge myself. I certainly don't look at other people that way and judge them so harshly. There are so many beautiful people in this world and I bet they don't know they are because they don't fit what shallow American standards force down our throats. Sometimes I get so mad at my family. The other day my sister said something really nasty (as she often does) about the way someone looked and I got pissed. She didn't get it. I just told her that I was sick of how our family judges people's appearance- something they can't help, and that it made me grow up really insecure and feel like other people think like that. She just laughed and said I was stupid because I was beautiful and I didn't have to worry blah blah. She just doesn't get it. My sister has always had a lot of attention for her good looks. She goes on a lot of dates, but is frustrated because she can't find a boyfriend. Well maybe that is because she is shallow and dates guys 10 years younger that look like models. I just want a nice guy, that I have a little chemistry with, to laugh and watch tv with or something! I can't even get that right now. It's hard not to think that it's because while people tell me I'm good looking, I'm not at the top of the NY food chain so to speak. Single straight men that aren't insane, married or on drugs are rare in this city. When they are to be found, they know they do not have to be monogamous, and they do not have to be deep.

So I guess I'm feeling the body image thing so harshly because it goes a little hand in hand with loneliness for me. As if that must be the reason I am unloveable. I've probably repeated myself a few times, but I'm really down. It seems like such a collossal waste of time. I should be enjoying my life and not thinking about this stuff.

How did you get past the emotional hurdles and break away from old thinking? I know it's not the weight. I want to change my way of thinking so that even if I go to the gym and stop, I do not have these issues again. In short, I really want to grow up the way I hoped I would.


July 25, 2008
1:06 pm
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September 30, 2010
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Not at all Mz...I am leaving on vacation today and am really jammed for time, but I really would like to continue this conversation later. It is a great topic...have a wonderful week and I will talk to everyone on the 4th!

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